What The Heart Wants

by Gadziala, Jessica

  Anna reached across the table, laying her hand on top of John’s. “That must have been difficult.”

  “It is difficult every day of my life. I am to blame for Jamie’s instability. I am the reason she has lost her happy little life. God,” John said, looking down at their hands. “I was a very selfish man. I think a part of me enjoyed it. The passionate affair with a woman who never let me get away with anything… then going home to a good meal on my table. Mam would never have cooked for me,” he said, smiling a amused smile. “I cant imagine even asking for something like that from her. She’d probably have thrown a pot at me and told me to make my own damn dinner.”

  “That sounds like the Mam everyone talks about,” Anna smiled back, wishing again that she had gotten a chance to know the woman. “But, Mr. Sinclair…”

  “John,” he broke in.

  “John,” she conceded. “this doesn’t exactly make sense to me. Why would Jamie hate me? I’m not Mam. I barely even knew her.”

  John looked out the window, pulling his hand from underneath hers. Everything about him seemed tense. Like he was trying to keep something from her.

  “John,” she said, her tone firm, demanding.

  Still staring out the window, he closed his eyes. “Jamie, despite her instability, has always been a very intelligent woman,” he said, his words coming out slowly. Like they were costing him. “she figured out something that no one else ever has.”

  “About Mam?”

  John looked back at her, his eyes pleading. Asking her to figure it out. So he didn’t have to say it himself. “Yes. About Mam. And me… and you.”

  About her? She had nothing to do with Mam. Aside from… taking over her farm and house. Aside from being a distant family member.

  “How old are you?” John asked suddenly, pulling her out of her own swirling thoughts.

  “Twenty-two,” she answered automatically.

  “And when were you born?”

  Anna felt her face sinking a bit, starting to break through the confusion and seeing an impossible explanation. “February,” she said, numbly.

  “And that picture you have,” he said, watching her intently. “the one of Mam in the hospital… what was the month it said?”

  “February,” she supplied. No. No no no. It wasn’t possible. Why? “No,” she said aloud, her whole heart behind the word.

  “Yes,” John corrected, this time his hand reaching out for hers. “You are Mam’s daughter. You’re…”

  Anna looked up at his pause, her eyes meeting his. Eyes that were big, round, doe-ish. Like hers. “You’re my father,” the words fell out of her mouth, full of disbelief.

  “Yes, I think I am,” he said. There was a long pause and when he spoke again, his voice was full of a deep well of regret. “I am so so sorry. I would have been there for you. I would have talked Mam into it…”

  “From what I have heard, there was no talking her into anything. She never would have let you leave your wife.”

  “No,” he nodded. “but she should have told me. I had a right to know. You,” he said with more emphasis. “you had a right to know.”

  Suddenly, Anna thought of Viv. Viv who had been the only mother she had ever known. Viv who was so different than her, but had always been there. For every illness, sitting up holding a washcloth to her head when she was raging with fever. Viv who had always made time for her to sit and discuss life over endless cups of tea. Viv who helped her with homework. Viv who pounded manners and social etiquette into her. Viv who made sure she was a fully functioning, well rounded adult.

  Viv who wasn’t actually her mother.

  “I have to go,” Anna said, standing up so quickly, she almost turned over her coffee cup. “I’m… I’m sorry. I need to go,” she said, almost running out of the diner.

  She got into her car and turned it over, driving too quickly and tearing into her driveway a few minutes later.

  She rushed into the house to find Viv sitting at the dining room table, popping peas out of their pods into a big bowl. “Oh, hey honey. I figured we’d have peas for din…” Viv’s words trailed off, looking at Anna with growing concern. She stood up slowly, watching Anna like she was a bear that was thinking about charging. “Is everything alright?”

  “How could you never tell me?” the accusation busted from her, loud and hysterical. “How could you just let me show up here and find out for myself?”

  “Oh,” the word whooshed out of Viv’s mouth like a sigh. Her eyes closed for a second as she took a breath. “Baby,” she started, her words calm. “Mam didn’t want you to know.”

  “Fuck Mam,” Anna yelled, shocking even herself. “She had a right to do whatever she wanted. But I had a right to know. How could you face me every day for twenty-two years and not tell me?” She rubbed a frustrated hand over her eyes, trying to keep herself from crying. “And what about John? Didn’t anyone think he had a right to know he had a daughter? Shouldn’t I have been allowed to know I had a father?”

  Viv took a breath, looking up as though she was going to say something, then shook her head and walked into the kitchen. Anna followed her in, shocked to see her filling up the teapot and carefully reaching for glasses and teabags. “There are some things that tea cant fix,” Anna said, sounding pouty even to her own ears.

  Viv turned, leaning against the counter and smiled an odd smile. “There’s nothing tea cant fix,” she said, looking at Anna. “Now if you’re done screaming,” she said, laughing when Anna rolled her eyes. “I would like to get some things straight.”

  Anna took a deep breath, feeling the anger draining already. She never could stay mad long. “Okay.”

  “First of all, Mam was in a very bad situation. I know you’re young and you’re idealistic and you’re in love…”

  “I’m not…” Anna broke in, objecting.

  Viv held a hand up. “You are not at a point in your life where you can see her situation objectively. Things are different in a place like this. Mam was always a bit of an outcast. But because she chose to be. If it got out that she had an affair with a married man and got impregnated with his child… she would have been considered a moral less whore. And, worse yet, that would be how she saw herself.”

  “How do you know so much…”

  “Mam and I were very close,” Viv interrupted her again. “back then. Back then we were really close. I was the only person she told. She was… considering her options,” Viv said, the phrase heavy with meaning. “I was the one to suggest this situation.”

  “But why?” Why would a young, vivacious Viv want to be shackled with a child?

  Viv shrugged her shoulder. “I always wanted a daughter. But I was never lucky in love. In men,” she said, smiling wickedly. “I have been very lucky. But not in love. There was no sign of ‘settling down’ in my horizon. And I wasn’t getting any younger. It just seemed like a sign from a higher power when Mam told me. I was in a stable financial situation. I had enough free time for a child. All the pieces just fell into place.”

  “Then why didn’t Mam want to stay involved in our lives?”

  Viv turned to pour the hot water into the cups, turning and handing one to Anna. “I think it was too hard for her. To see you. To talk to you. To see you with me. To see what she was missing out on. I sent pictures several times a year. And I sent letters, updating her on what was going on in your life. Once in a blue moon, mostly when you were a teenager, she would write back. Give me advice…”

  “Like what?” Anna asked, taking a sip of the tea and feeling it fill places inside, soothing the sharp edges of her betrayal.

  “That I should stop trying to push you to make friends. That I shouldn’t be on your case about getting a boyfriend. That I should just let you do your own thing.”

  “I can see that advice fell on deaf ears,” Anna said and realized she was smiling.

  Viv smiled back. “Yes, well. I have been a very stubborn woman. Maybe a part of me resented those letters. Because you
were turning out so much like her, despite never meeting her. And you were never much like me at all… even though I have always been around.”

  “Mom…” Anna said, feeling like she wanted to reach out and hug her.

  Viv waved a dismissive hand. “No no. I was just being silly. You have turned out better than I could have ever hoped for.”

  “So… you really didn’t know that Mam had left me her estate?”

  Viv laughed a little, a short, dry sound. “No. I was completely in the dark. I think it was Mam’s way of ensuring that, someday, somehow, you would learn the truth. Despite her making me swear to never tell.”

  “Is that why you didn’t want me to come?”

  Viv looked sad for a moment. “There were a lot of reasons. I was so used to you being around. You have been my best friend for over twenty years. Always there. I just… wasn’t ready to let that go. And yes,” she said, looking around the house. “there was a part of me that didn’t want you to come and find out the truth. To find out you had another mother…”

  “Mom,” Anna broke in, walking over and putting her mug down. She wrapped her arms around Viv, holding her tight. “You’re my mom. You’re the only mom I have ever known. Nothing is ever going to change that.”

  Viv held on for a moment before pulling away. “So… how did you find out?”

  “My father told me,” Anna said, feeling the sudden urge to giggle.

  “His wife is the one doing all this, right? She knows?”

  “Yeah. But… apparently she’s like… crazy. She had some kind of mental break back when John and Mam were having an affair.”

  “Well what is he going to do about her?”

  Anna looked at Viv blankly for a second. “Oh, um… he didn’t say.”

  “Well I am just going to have to go and give him a piece of my mind!”

  “Mom…”

  “Give who a piece of your mind?” Sam asked, coming in the kitchen door. He nodded quickly at Viv then sent Anna a long look. “Are you okay? I just got this cryptic call from Maude telling me to get my butt over here because you will need me.”

  “Oh,” Anna said, smiling, feeling weirdly giddy. “I just found out that Mam and John Sinclair are my biological parents. You know… no big deal,” she laughed.

  Sam looked at her as if she had grown another head. He glanced at Viv who waved a dismissive hand. “You two discuss this. I have to go have a chat with Mr. Sinclair about his basket case of a wife.”

  “Mom!”

  But it was too late, Viv was already half way out the door.

  They listened to her car pull slowly out of the driveway before Sam turned to Anna with a quizzical expression.

  “It’s been a revealing day,” she said, shifting her feet. She looked up at Sam who didn’t look as surprised as she thought he should. “Wait. Did you know?”

  “No,” Sam said, holding his hands up, palms out. Defensive. “No. I just had a suspicion. Especially when I met Viv. You don’t look anything like her. It just kind-of highlighted how much you look like Mam. Your small bone structure, your green eyes.”

  Anna nodded. It made sense. “What about John?”

  “That, I think, is a surprise to everyone but your mother and Maude.”

  “And Jamie Sinclair,” Anna added, feeling almost sad for the woman.

  “Yes, well,” Sam said, moving closer and resting his forearms on her shoulders. “I believe Viv is out there putting an end to her nonsense right now.”

  “If anyone can, it’s her,” Anna agreed, turning her face to plant a kiss on his arm.

  “So… are you going to try to get to know your father more?”

  Anna stepped forward, leaning her face against Sam’s waiting chest. “I haven’t even thought about that.”

  She felt Sam lean down and plant a kiss on the top of her head, his arms wrapping around her. “Infidelity aside… he’s a good man. He is worth knowing. Like father, like daughter I guess.”

  Epilogue

  Anna woke up slowly, stretching her feet toward the end of the bed.

  “Good morning,” Sam said, his voice clear and awake. He was a morning person.

  Anna rolled on her side to face him, her hair a tangled mess around her face. She rubbed absentmindedly at her sleepy eyes. When her vision cleared, she saw Sam, smiling his happy, easy smile. He had his arms at a ninety-degree angle, his hands cupped oddly.

  “Good morning,” she said, smiling. She couldn’t believe how much she loved him. It crept up on her slowly, a strange feeling of comfort at having him around. And then it spread and grew… every small little victory she experienced, she wanted to share with him first. Every disappointment, she wanted his arms to crawl into. It took her months of none-too subtle prodding from her mother for her to realize the truth.

  She was heart over heels for Sam Flynn. The most generous, kind soul she had ever met.

  His hands opened suddenly, revealing a small pale blue jewelry box. He looked at her for a second before pulling the top open. There inside sat a ring. A white gold simple band with a pear-shaped diamond, shining brilliantly in the morning sun.

  Anna felt her stomach do a quick, almost nauseating flip-flop. Her eyes went to Sam’s immediately, seeking confirmation.

  “Annabelle Goode,” he started, his voice sounding nervous, a weird inflection for him. “I have never loved anything in this life more than I love you. Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

  Anna felt her heart constrict, like a fist had grabbed and squeezed it. Did she want to become his wife? More than anything else in the world.

  “Yes,” she whispered, her voice thick with feeling. “Yes yes yes,” she said more emphatically, smiling.

  Sam leaned forward, planting a quick, hard kiss on her lips before slipping the ring out of the box and onto her finger.

  “I love you,” she said, looking down at the ring, moving her hand around, getting used to the awkward feeling.

  “I love you more,” he said, kissing her again. “So… do you think Viv will be happy to have me as a son-in-law?”

  “Ecstatic,” Anna said, smiling. “She’s gonna fight like hell to catch the bouquet.”

  Sam’s brows drew together. “Why? She’s been single since she moved here.”

  “Oh, didn’t you hear Maude’s prediction?”

  “No,” Sam said, sounding interested.

  “Mom and Sheriff Aiden are going to get together.”

  “No way,” Sam said, smiling.

  “Yes way. Oh, and Eric will have a ball and chain in two years.”

  “I think Maude is losing her touch,” Sam said, laughing.

  “I dunno,” Anna said, cuddling up against his chest. “I guess we will just have to wait and see.”

  The End