Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The story of the Métis—pronounced “MAY tee”—begins in the 1600s, with the establishment of the European fur trade in the central Canadian interior. As the number of fur trading posts grew and spread deeper into the land of native peoples, more and more French and British traders married and had families with native women. The practice was actually encouraged by the French, less so by the British. Good relations with native peoples aided the smooth operation of the extremely lucrative fur trade. One consequence of those “good relations”: an increasing number of children, and, as the decades passed, adults who were both European and native, yet belonged to neither group.

  HALF-BREED (THAT’S ALL I EVER HEARD)

  That growing subset came to be known by a number of different names—none flattering—by both Europeans and natives: “Half-breed,” “Country-born,” “Black Scots,” and “Bois Brûlé.” The last term meant “burnt-wood,” a French appropriation of the Ojibwa name for mixed-blood people, wissakodewinmi, meaning “half-burnt woodsmen”—a reference to the fact that they had lighter skin than full-blood Indians. They were also known as “Métis,” French for “mixed.” Over time, this is the name they took for themselves.

  By the mid-1700s, after several generations of intermarriage and forming their own communities, a unique Métis culture began to emerge: religion, music, dance, food, and language became a mix of French, English, and native cultures. And the fact that the Métis could speak French, English, and native languages made them successful in the fur trade, which, while run by the Europeans, had always relied on native help. By the mid-1800s, Métis communities flourished wherever that trade could be found. The area with the highest population: the Red River Valley, in the region around what is today the city of Winnipeg, Manitoba, where thousands of Métis lived in independent and self-sufficient communities. But trouble was on its way.

  60% of all sports injuries happen during practice.

  THE CANADIANS ARE COMING…

  The British North America Act of 1867 established the modern nation of Canada—although it contained only the provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and parts of modern Quebec and Ontario at that time. Two years later, the Canadian government purchased almost all of the land owned by the Hudson’s Bay Company—a gargantuan stretch that included most of Saskatchewan, parts of both Alberta and Nunavut, and all of Manitoba. Not consulted in the negotiations: the roughly 9,000 Métis who lived in the Red River Valley.

  When the government attempted to take control of the region, the Métis wouldn’t let them. What followed was years of resistance, the two key events being the Red River Rebellion of 1869 and the North-West Rebellion (in Saskatchewan) in 1885, both led by Métis leader Louis Riel. There were some successes—Riel and the Métis were able to negotiate the formation of the province of Manitoba with the Canadian government, including some recognition of Métis landholdings. But the rebellion ultimately ended in 1885 with Riel’s trial and execution on charges of treason.

  MODERN MÉTIS

  In the 20th century, the Métis, like all native North American groups, went through decades of political struggle, with varying degrees of mostly non-success. But in 1982, those efforts were rewarded when the Métis (along with the First Nations and Inuit) were designated one of Canada’s three official aboriginal groups—making them the only mixed-blood people in the world fully recognized as an aboriginal nation.

  Today, there are about 400,000 Métis in Canada, the majority in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta, and the Northwest Territories. They are organized nationally—with their own prime minister—and provincially. Official Métis languages spoken today include English, French, Michif—a blend of French, English, Cree, Ojibwe, and Assiniboine—and Bungi Creole, a mix of Scottish English, Cree, Ojibwe, and Gaelic.

  Sudan is the only country in which the official method of execution is crucifixion.

  RANDOM FACTS

  • For much of Métis history, there were two distinct Métis groups: Franco-Métis—descendants of French and native marriages, who spoke primarily French and native languages; and Anglo-Métis—descendants of British, especially Scottish, and native marriages, who spoke primarily English and native languages, and were the smaller group. The two groups were distinct for decades, but eventually merged into the one Métis people they are today.

  • There are Métis communities in the United States—in Montana, North Dakota, and Minnesota—but they are not recognized as a distinct aboriginal group.

  • “Métis fiddle” is a music genre featuring a very percussive (and uniquely tuned) fiddle, a percussion instrument (often spoons), and sometimes foot stamping and spoken lyrics. It’s a Métis mix of European (especially Celtic) and First Nations music, dance, and storytelling traditions.

  • Métis celebrities: actress Tantoo Cardinal, who played Black Shawl, wife of Kicking Bird (Graham Greene) in Dances with Wolves; former Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin (2003–2006); and NHL Hall of Famer Bryan Trottier.

  • In 1992 the Canadian parliament passed a resolution recognizing Louis Riel as one of the founders of the province of Manitoba. A statue of Riel stands in front of the Manitoba Legislature Building in downtown Winnipeg.

  * * *

  “Knowing who your are is confidence. Cockiness is knowing who you are and pushing it down everyone’s throat.”

  —Mila Kunis

  Some monkeys in Thailand teach their babies to floss their teeth.

  ODD BODY TIPS & TRICKS

  Some strange tips sent in by readers who swear they work.

  • About to sneeze? Push the tip of your tongue upward against the roof of your mouth where the hard palate ends and the soft palate begins (between your back teeth).

  • Chopping an onion? Avoid the tears by lighting a candle. The heat will attract (and burn) the sulfide fumes.

  • Keep an injection from hurting by pressing on the spot where you’re about to get the needle. By overloading the nerve endings in that area, you deaden the pain.

  • Stop the gag reflex by clenching your thumb in your fist.

  • Lost your car? If you have a remote control to unlock the doors, hold it under your chin and press the button that beeps the horn. The shape of your skull intensifies the radio signal. Open your mouth, and the signal will go even farther.

  • Have a small burn? Press on the spot with your finger. The best way to avoid blisters is to return the burned spot to its normal temperature quickly. (But it won’t stop the pain.)

  • Leg fall asleep? Change the position of your hip to adjust the blood flow to your lower body. End pins and needles in your hands by shaking your head. It loosens the pressure on nerves in your neck.

  • Getting a shot? Coughing during the injection will ease the pain by putting pressure on the spinal canal, making it harder for the pain message to reach your brain.

  • For a toothache, rub some ice on the back of your hand between the thumb and index finger. There’s a nerve cluster there that affects pain sensations in the face and hands.

  • “Brain freeze” occurs when the nerves in the back of your mouth suddenly get very cold, giving you a brief (but strong) headache. A quick way to stop it is to warm the nerve endings by drinking a glass of water (no ice).

  More modern than you think: The ancient Greeks played with hula hoops.

  LEGAL BRIEFS

  If “going commando” has one advantage over wearing underwear, it’s that you’re less likely to end up in court on an underwear-related charge. (Less likely, but not impossible…)

  CASE: Seth Brigham v. City of Boulder, Colorado

  DETAILS: In February 2010, Brigham attended a Boulder City Council meeting with the intent of speaking during the televised public-comment period, as he’d done dozens of times in the past. There’s nothing wrong with that…except that Brigham, who wanted to criticize a proposed city ordinance making it illegal to be naked in public, stripped down to his underpants to make his point. He opened his remarks by criticizing two
council members by name, which prompted the mayor to tell him not to make personal attacks. When Brigham complained about being interrupted, a police officer asked him to leave the podium. Brigham refused and was arrested. He was charged with trespassing and obstructing the police.

  OUTCOME: Ten days later, the city dropped the charges after the city attorney concluded the arrest was unjustified. When Brigham said he was considering suing the city for violating his civil rights, the city paid him $10,000 to settle the claim. Brigham said he planned to buy a scooter and possibly some underwear. “Maybe I’ll buy myself some nice pairs of boxers—one for every City Council meeting,” he told the local paper.

  CASE: Albert Freed v. Hanes Underwear

  DETAILS: In 2007 Freed won a trip to Hawaii for himself and his wife for selling more than $20,000 worth of diet products. To celebrate, his wife bought him eight new pairs of Hanes men’s briefs for the trip. At the beach in Hawaii, Freed got sand in his swim trunks, which irritated his private parts. The new underwear made the injury much, much worse, he alleged, because it had a defective fly that “gaped open and acted like sandpaper on my privates.” This, Freed claimed, caused excruciating pain that ruined the only vacation he’d taken in 40 years. Freed, who acted as his own attorney, sued Hanes in small claims court for $5,000.

  You are more likely to be in a bad mood on a Thursday than any other day of the week.

  OUTCOME: Freed lost. The court found that Freed failed to prove either that his underwear was defective or that it was responsible for making his injury worse. Freed himself was more likely to blame, the court found, because he ignored his original injury and also because he has an unusual way of putting on his underwear: “Plaintiff testified that he dresses by placing his underwear inside the pants he plans to wear that day and then pulls both on together. He testified that he never puts his underwear on and adjusts himself to get comfortable—that is ‘just not how he does things,’” the judge wrote in her decision.

  CASE: Charles “Beau” Wiseman v. Washoe County, Nevada

  DETAILS: Wiseman, a county employee, claimed in 1998 that his boss, County Manager John MacIntyre, forced him to attend a “quasi-religious and cult-like” personal-growth seminar as a condition for keeping his job. At the seminar, Wiseman and other employees had to watch MacIntyre do a striptease in his underpants. “Mr. MacIntyre stripped down to his underwear and moved his pelvis and gyrated sexually until the group clapped and applauded,” the lawsuit alleged. The strain of this and other “sexually seductive and gender-inappropriate” exercises, plus having to relive painful Vietnam War memories in a “group encounter,” caused Wiseman to relapse into alcoholism after 13 years of sobriety. He took medical leave and sued the county for $50,000 in damages, alleging emotional and mental distress, negligence, false imprisonment, discrimination, civil rights violations, plus religious and sexual harassment. (MacIntyre claimed he only “suggested” that Wiseman attend the seminar.)

  OUTCOME: Case dismissed. The county did, however, fire MacIntyre. Two county commissioners later told reporters that his firing was due in part to the seminars.

  * * *

  “Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.”

  —Robert Anthony

  Sneaky: When U.S. Navy SEAL Team Six was established, there were only 2 SEAL teams.

  IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

  Here’s proof that truth is stranger than fiction.

  ACRYIN’ SHAME

  The 2011 Bar-B-Que cookoff in Houston came to an abrupt halt after one of the grillers, 51-year-old Mike Hamby, threw a canister of tear gas into a rival team’s tent. The noxious fumes quickly spread to other tents. Dozens of people were sickened, and the contest was postponed. It’s unclear why Hamby threw the canister, but apparently there was a “disagreement.” After the smoke cleared, he was taken into custody…and later fired from his job as an officer with the Houston Police Department.

  CHECKING YOU OUT

  For one day in November 2010, the Toronto Public Library allowed patrons to check out an actual human being. Officials explained that the project was a way for people to spend half an hour of one-on-one time with someone they’d never normally get to interact with—including a stand-up comedian, a homeless person, a Buddhist monk, and a former prostitute.

  EXTREME NAPPING

  In 2012 Yan Yan Ch’eng, a 28-year-old Chinese student, was sunbathing when she fell asleep on a narrow concrete ledge five stories above the ground. Then she rolled over. Luckily, she woke and was able to grab hold of the ledge and hang on. Too scared to climb back up, she screamed for help as a crowd of people watched from below. Firefighters eventually pulled her to safety.

  DYING TO BE ON TV

  Law Lok-lam died five times in one day in April 2011. The popular Chinese actor appeared on five different shows as five different characters—each of whom met his end. Two of the deaths occurred off-screen. One—a Ming emperor—died of an illness.

  A penguin can swim up to 3,100 miles in a year.

  The other two characters met their ends in martial arts dramas with Law coughing and spitting up blood as he perished. According to his fans, five TV deaths in a single day is a world record.

  WITCH WAY DID SHE GO?

  Eilish De’Avalon, a 40-year-old Australian woman, was pulled over in 2010 for talking on her cell phone while driving. When officer Andrew Logan gave her a citation, De’Avalon told him that she was exempt from traffic rules because she’s a witch. “Your laws and penalties do not apply to me. I’m sorry, I must go. Thank you.” As she started to drive away, Logan tried to take her keys, but his arm got caught in the window, and he was dragged 300 feet before he could pull the keys out of the ignition. De’Avalon was sentenced to two months in jail for severely injuring Logan’s shoulder. She apologized and offered him “spiritual healing and a massage.” He declined.

  GENDER BENDER

  Jenny Johnsson, a preschool teacher in Stockholm, Sweden, has banned the use of the words “him” and “her” in her classroom. Instead, the children must refer to each other as “friend.” “That way,” said Johnsson, “they can be whoever they want to be!” Some of the parents have criticized the taxpayer-funded school for “brainwashing” their boys and girls, but Johnsson claims she is simply following the state-approved national curriculum in Sweden, which aims to eliminate “oppressive” gender stereotypes.

  CHICKEN LITTLE WAS RIGHT!

  Radivoje Lajic’s house in Bosnia has been struck by six meteorites: the first in 2007, another a few months later, and four more over the next three years. Scientists from Belgrade University confirmed that the six objects are indeed space rocks. What makes the strikes more curious? They only occur when it’s raining heavily. “I don’t know what I have done to annoy the aliens, but there is no other explanation that makes sense,” said Lajic, 50. “The odds of being hit by a meteorite are so small that getting hit six times has to be deliberate. They are playing games with me.” Lajic sold one of the meteorites to a school in the Netherlands and used the money to install steel reinforcements in his roof for protection.

  Coincidence? In Japanese, the word rambo means “rowdy” or “violent.”

  Q&A:

  ASK THE EXPERTS

  More questions and answers from some of the world’s top trivia experts.

  TO THE LETTER

  Q: Why are there A, C, and D batteries, but no B batteries?

  A: “Battery letter designations are based on the size of the battery: For common sizes, A is the smallest and D is the largest. By the same logic, AA batteries are larger than AAA. You never see B batteries because they aren’t very useful. The size never caught on in products made for consumers, so stores didn’t carry them. They are sold, but only in Europe, where they’re used primarily to power bicycle lamps.” (From Mental Floss: The Book)

  LIME TIME

  Q: Why is “limey” a derogatory name for British people?

  A: “It’s short for ‘lime
-juicer.’ British sailors of the 1800s got lemon juice with their food in order to prevent scurvy, a condition characterized by weak knees and fatigue. In the 1750s, Scottish naval surgeon James Lind found that the juice alone from lemons and limes and oranges could prevent scurvy. The navy eventually took Lind’s advice and put lemon juice aboard British ships. By the mid-1800s, limes were cheaper than lemons, so lime juice was used instead. The British sailors became ‘lime-juicers,’ then ‘limeys.’” (From Why Socks Disappear in the Wash, by Don Glass)

  HEADS DOWN

  Q: How can a chicken run around with its head cut off?

  A: “It’s true that freshly decapitated chickens will run around for a few seconds, flapping their wings wildly. How does this happen? The chicken isn’t really running, but it looks like it is. The adrenaline in the muscle tissue gives the bird convulsions, making it look like it is still alive. Chickens flap and flop around for about 30 seconds before they are totally dead.” (From Funny You Should Ask, by Marg Meikle)

  Colombians like their hot dogs with hard-boiled quail eggs on top.

  MUSIC ON TV

  If you’re a child of the 1960s, you’ll remember some of these shows. If not, you won’t believe how silly their names were. (For Part 1, turn to page 125.)

  HOOTENANNY (April 6, 1963). Aimed to document the folk-music revival that was happening around America, Hootenanny was filmed at a different college campus each week. The first show took place at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. The Limeliters were the headliners and played three songs, the first of which was “If I Had a Mule.” After two seasons, Hootenanny was cancelled. Reason: By 1964 the Beatles and the British Invasion had replaced folk music as the latest music craze. Hootenanny’s replacement was Shindig!