Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  TOP OF THE POPS (January 1, 1964). This BBC series counted down the Top 10 songs of the week, with some of the songs’ artists lip-synching to their hits in the studio while teenagers danced around them. The first act was the Rolling Stones, who sang their #10 song “I Wanna Be Your Man.” More than 2,200 episodes later, the show was cancelled in June 2006.

  SHINDIG! (September 16, 1964). This weekly pop-music series featured the top rock acts of the day, but always opened with a medley of songs performed by the show’s in-house singers, Jackie & Gayle, the Wellingtons, and the Blossoms. The first medley consisted of “There’s Music in the Air” from Jackie & Gayle, “Yes, Indeed” by the Wellingtons (the group that sang the Gilligan’s Island theme song) and the Blossoms, “Gonna Build a Mountain” by Jackie & Gayle, then a reprise of “There’s Music in the Air” by everybody, along with guests the Righteous Brothers and the Everly Brothers. Shindig! was an instant hit but was gone after only two seasons.

  HULLABALOO (January 12, 1965). NBC responded to the success of ABC’s Shindig! with its own pop-music show with a silly name. Like Shindig!, Hullabaloo featured performances by popular hitmakers, but the producers didn’t quite understand the rock-loving kids they were trying to court—the first show’s guest host was old-time crooner Jack Jones, who sang “Hello Young Lovers.” After one season, Hullaballoo was replaced by The Monkees.

  Kids, don’t try this at home: If you fill a swimming pool with mercury, bricks will float in it.

  WHERE THE ACTION IS! (June 28, 1965). By 1965 ABC had moved American Bandstand to weekends, leaving no show with teenage appeal in the daily afternoon schedule of any TV network. So Dick Clark produced this show, a daily 30-minute series showcasing the pop and rock songs of the day. Like Bandstand, top performers (such as Johnny Rivers, Dusty Springfield, and the Animals) would come on and lip-synch to their songs. Like The Lawrence Welk Show, Where the Action Is! had a resident cast of performers, including fading early ’60s pop star Linda Scott, minor teen idol Steve Alaimo, and house band Paul Revere and the Raiders. The show was an immediate hit—it was a summer show, so it had a captive audience of kids home from school. Freddy “Boom Boom” Cannon made the show’s theme song, “Action,” a Top 20 hit. Where the Action Is! was cancelled in early 1967, unable to recover from the 1966 departure of rising stars Paul Revere and the Raiders. The first act to perform on the debut episode was surf duo Jan and Dean, with their hit “Surf City.”

  SOUL TRAIN (August 17, 1970). If American Bandstand exposed millions of teenagers to the sounds and styles of rock ’n’ roll, then Soul Train did the same thing with R&B music. Creator Don Cornelius was a veteran of Chicago radio and local TV. While a sportscaster on WCIU’s A Black’s View of the News, he pitched an idea for a dance show featuring soul music targeted at African-American audiences. WCIU said they’d give him airtime and studio space if he’d pay for the show himself. Cornelius agreed (good move—it gave him ownership of the show). After seeing dancers at a local talent show dance in a line that reminded him of a train, Cornelius came up with the name Soul Train. The show launched in Chicago in August 1970. An immediate hit, it expanded to seven cities by 1971, 25 by 1972, and to most of the country after that. The first national episode, on October 2, 1971, featured Gladys Knight and the Pips performing “The Friendship Train.”

  With an atmosphere meant to evoke a nightclub, Soul Train was the first African-American variety show on American television. Memorable elements: the Soul Train dance line, the Soul Train Dancers (who introduced new dance moves), the Soul Train Scramble Board (a puzzle game), and performances by the nation’s top soul performers. Cornelius retired from hosting in 1993, but continued to produce until 2006, when “the hippest trip in America” wished viewers “love, peace, and soul” for the last time. Soul Train’s 35-year run makes it the longest syndicated TV series ever.

  Transplanted hearts beat faster than the original hearts.

  THE MIDNIGHT SPECIAL (August 19, 1972). The NBC concert series was first hosted by John Denver, who performed the first song: “Take Me Home, Country Roads.” This show is notable because it brought live pop and rock performances—from acts as varied as Blondie, Barry Manilow, and Bo Diddley—to TV. (American Bandstand featured rock music, but its performers always lipsynched to pre-recorded tracks.) In 1978, however, rock music was eclipsed by disco, so the show’s set was updated to look like a nightclub, and disco acts came on to perform, usually lip-synching. Viewers who remember this show probably think that gravelly voiced radio veteran Wolfman Jack was the host. He wasn’t—he was the announcer. The show used guest hosts, such as Ray Charles, Paul Anka, and Richard Pryor. The Midnight Special was cancelled in 1981, ultimately replaced in its post–Tonight Show time slot by Late Night With David Letterman.

  The music doesn’t stop. For the ’80s, ’90s, and new millennium, go to page 467.

  * * *

  BIG FRACKING MISTAKE

  State Rep. Becky Carney, a five-term Democrat from North Carolina, was strongly against a bill that would allow a fracking operation in her state. It would take 72 votes to kill the bill, and the Democrats had 71. After an hours-long debate, Carney had the deciding vote. She pressed the button, looked down, and said, “Oh my gosh. I pushed the wrong one!” In tears, she begged for a do-over, but the Republicans said no, and the fracking bill passed.

  Nice try: When Treasury Secretary Salmon P. Chase designed the first $1 bill in 1862, he put his own face on it.

  NFL DRAFT FLOPS

  Great athletic ability and a good college record will generally push players to the top of the NFL draft…but it’s no guarantee they’re going to be any good when they turn pro. Or if they’ll even get to play.

  JAMARCUS RUSSELL (2007)

  Vital Stats: Louisiana State University had a great season in 2006, finishing ranked #4 and winning the Sugar Bowl. A major part of that success: quarterback JaMarcus Russell, who threw for 3,129 yards with 28 touchdowns.

  Drafted! As a junior, he decided to skip his senior year to go directly into the NFL, and the Oakland Raiders took him at #1 in the 2007 draft. But he refused to play until he got the contract he wanted. He held out through training camp, the preseason, and into the regular season, when he agreed to $32 million.

  Fumble! Top NFL quarterbacks routinely pass for 4,000 yards per season. Russell threw for 4,083 yards in his entire career, which lasted only three years. And when he did throw the ball to somebody who caught it, it was often to the wrong team—he had 31 turnovers and 23 interceptions in just 31 games. In early 2010, the Raiders released him. Later that year, he was arrested for illegal possession of codeine cough syrup, and Russell admitted he was addicted to it. He hasn’t played professional football since.

  RYAN LEAF (1998)

  Vital Stats: Leaf brought glory to Washington State University. He threw for nearly 4,000 yards and a Pac-10 conference-record 33 touchdowns. Under Leaf, WSU won its first-ever conference title and, its first Rose Bowl since 1931, and achieved a #9 ranking. Leaf finished third in Heisman Trophy voting and looked to have a stellar NFL career for whoever was lucky enough to draft him.

  Drafted! The Indianapolis Colts had the #1 pick in the 1998 draft and invited prospects for interviews. Leaf skipped his. The Colts dropped him from consideration and drafted future superstar Peyton Manning. Leaf went #2, to the San Diego Chargers.

  Fumble! In three years, he played in just 25 games, threw for 3,666 yards total (less than in his last year at WSU), and was intercepted 36 times. He was traded and played on practice squads for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Seattle Seahawks, but was finished by 2002. His last job in football was as an unpaid quarterbacks coach at tiny West Texas A&M from 2006 to 2008.

  TONY MANDARICH (1989)

  Vital Stats: Just prior to the draft, Sports Illustrated gushed over the Michigan State offensive tackle, putting the 6'6", 315-pound offensive tackle on the cover, and calling him “The Incredible Bulk: the best offensive line prospect ever.”

  D
rafted! He was the #2 pick, and went to the Green Bay Packers.

  Fumble! That year’s top five included four future Hall of Famers: Troy Aikman, Barry Sanders, Derrick Thomas, and Deion Sanders. But not Mandarich, who played in six seasons out of the next 10 years and was sidelined from 1992 to ’94 with substance-abuse problems. Sports Illustrated atoned for its bad prediction with another cover story that called Mandarich “The Incredible Bust.”

  ART SCHLICHTER (1982)

  Vital Stats: Quarterback Schlichter was a Heisman Trophy finalist in three of his four years at Ohio State. He had a whopping 7,547 passing yards and threw 50 touchdowns, along with rushing for 1,303 yards and 35 rushing touchdowns.

  Drafted! The Indianapolis Colts took him at #4 in the 1982 draft.

  Fumble! At the end of training camp, Schlichter unexpectedly lost the starting job to fellow rookie Mike Pagel, leaving him as the backup QB with plenty of time to kill on the sidelines. Turns out Schlichter had a gambling problem. Rather than chart plays, as backup QBs are supposed to do, Schlichter called in bets on college and NFL games. When a players’ strike shortened the season, Schlichter had more time to gamble. (He estimates he lost $700,000 during the work stoppage.) When bookies threatened to expose him, he went to the FBI and the NFL, which suspended him for the entire 1983 season, fearing he might throw games he was playing in. The Colts released him five games into the 1985 season. After he was arrested for his involvement in an illegal gambling operation in 1987, NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle banned him from the league.

  Chicago’s Sears Tower contains enough concrete to build an 8-lane highway 5 miles long.

  LOONY LAWS

  Believe it or not, these are real laws.

  • In Spokane, Washington, it’s against the law to interrupt a religious service with a horse race.

  • It’s illegal to go to church in disguise in Texas.

  • Pictures of dead ex-presidents may not be used to sell alcohol in Michigan.

  • Women serving on a jury in Mexico, Missouri, may not knit while doing so.

  • Burning leather for fuel is prohibited in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

  • It’s against the law to store snowballs in a refrigerator in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.

  • An old law in Linden, Alabama, states that women of “uncertain chastity” must be home by 9:00 p.m.

  • In San Francisco, it’s illegal to enter a bar on horseback.

  • It’s against the law in Pennsylvania to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

  • It’s illegal in Canada to enter a plane mid-flight.

  • If you get run over by a train and killed in Kansas, good news: The law requires the train company to give your corpse a free ticket.

  • In Florida, unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays.

  • Vermont law states that restaurants may use margarine instead of butter, provided they note it on the menu in two-inch letters and serve it in triangle-shaped portions.

  • In Idaho, it’s illegal to sell chickens after dark (unless you have a permit).

  • You may not loiter in the Detroit city morgue.

  • Running for office in Simsbury, Connecticut? It’s illegal to campaign at the dump.

  • Anyone who detonates a nuclear bomb within the city limits of Chico, California, is subject to a $500 fine.

  • If there’s a donkey sleeping in your bathtub after 7:00 p.m. in Oklahoma, you’re breaking the law.

  Every member of Teddy Roosevelt’s family owned a pair of stilts, including the First Lady.

  WELCOME TO YEAR ZERO

  One of the privileges of inventing a new calendar is choosing where it starts. If you created a new calendar, where would you put year zero?

  IN THE BEGINNING

  Even if you don’t know much about our calendar—the Gregorian calendar—you can probably guess that it has religious origins. The years are numbered in relation to the approximate birth date of Jesus Christ, who was thought to have been born in year 1. Years preceding that date have the designation B.C. (“Before Christ”); year 1 and all the years afterward are designated A.D. (Anno Domini, Latin for “the year of our lord”). Today the more religiously neutral abbreviations B.C.E. (“Before the Common Era”) and C.E. (“Common Era”) are often used instead of B.C. and A.D.

  The person who picked 1 A.D. as the year that Jesus was born was a 6th-century monk named Dionysius Exiguus (Dennis the Short). That’s an ironic name, considering that modern scholars estimate that Jesus was more likely born between 7 B.C. and 2 B.C., meaning Dennis was at least three years off. By the time anyone realized that Dennis the Short had come up short, it was too late to change the calendar. Two other religion-based calendars:

  • The Hebrew calendar. Uses the Gregorian equivalent of 3761 B.C. as its “year zero.” A 4th-century A.D. religious leader named Hillel II fixed that date as the year that God created the world.

  • The Islamic calendar. Uses the Gregorian equivalent of 622 A.D. as its “year zero.” That’s the year of the Hegira, when the prophet Muhammad learned of a plot to assassinate him and secretly escaped Mecca for the city of Medina, 200 miles away.

  Creating a new calendar with a new starting date is one thing; getting people to actually use it is another. Here’s a look at some calendars that have had a little more trouble catching on.

  THE HUMAN ERA CALENDAR (1993)

  Year Zero: 10,000 B.C.

  Details: First proposed by an Italian-American geologist named Cesare Emiliani in 1993, the Human Era calendar uses the dawn of human civilization, when the first hunter-gatherers abandoned their nomadic way of life in favor of agriculture and permanent settlements, as its starting point. The year 10,000 B.C. also happens to be a nice round number, which makes converting Gregorian dates to their Human Era (HE) equivalents a snap: Just add 10,000. The year 2013 A.D., for example, converts to 12013 HE. To convert B.C. dates, subtract them from 10,001. (The extra year compensates for the fact that the Gregorian calendar has no year zero.) The year 1323 B.C., when King Tut died, for example, translates to 8678 HE.

  Thanks! Cadbury made the world’s first chocolate bar in 1842.

  What Happened: Old habits die hard. For all the Human Era calendar’s simplicity and ability to put the march of human progress into chronological perspective, it has not yet caught on.

  THE JUCHE CALENDAR (1997)

  Day One, Year Zero: April 15, 1912

  Details: North Korea uses the Gregorian calendar when dealing with the outside world, but internally it uses the Juche calendar. What’s so special about the Juche calendar? Its starting date is the birth date of the country’s founder and “Eternal President,” Kim Il-sung. He created the communist nation’s philosophy of Juche (loosely translated as “spirit of self-reliance”), for which the calendar was named. Unlike the Gregorian calendar, the Juche calendar has no designations for dates before year zero; all dates before the birth of Kim Il-sung are expressed using the Gregorian calendar.

  What Happened: North Korea isn’t called “the Hermit Kingdom” for nothing. The communist state is almost completely cut off from the rest of the world, and though the Juche calendar is still in use there, it hasn’t caught on anywhere else.

  THE TRANQUILITY CALENDAR (1989)

  Day One, Year Zero: July 20, 1969

  Details: This calendar uses as its starting point “Moon Landing Day,” or more precisely, the moment (20 hours, 18 minutes, 1.2 seconds) when Apollo 11 set down on the moon and Neil Armstrong said over the radio to NASA’s Mission Control, “Houston, Tranquility Base Here. The Eagle has landed.” Dates before and after Moon Landing Day are designated as BT (“Before Tranquility”) and AT (“After Tranquility”).

  Rainiest city in the continental U.S.: Forks, WA (That’s why the Twilight series is set there.)

  Like the Positivist and International Fixed calendars on page 412, the Tranquility calendar is a perpetual calendar with 13 months of 28 days each. That adds up to 364 days. The anniversary of Moon Landing
Day, called “Armstrong Day,” serves as the 365th day. It is a “blank day” that is not part of any week or month. On leap years, a second blank day, called “Aldrin Day” after Neal Armstrong’s crewmate Buzz Aldrin, is also added.

  What Happened: The Tranquility calendar was first proposed by its creator, Jeff Siggins, in the July 1989 issue of Omni magazine. Like other 13-month calendars, it was just too unusual for it to catch on. It still has a few fans on the Internet, but that’s about it.

  THE MARTIAN BUSINESS CALENDAR (1985)

  Day One, Year Zero: March 11, 1609 A.D.

  Details: The Martian Business Calendar is one of more than a dozen mathematically similar calendars that have been designed for use on Mars, either by astronauts or by mission specialists on Earth who need to be on Martian time. This one was devised by an Australian astronomer named Bruce Mills.

  Mars is about 1½ times farther from the sun than we are on planet Earth, and because of this, Mars takes longer to orbit the Sun. There are just over 668 Martian days in a Martian year, making it nearly twice as long as an Earth year. (The Martian day is, on average, 24 hours and 39 minutes long.) Mills’s calendar has 23 months of 28 days each, and a 24th month that is 21 days long. Every other year is a leap year, with an extra “leap week” added to the 24th month to make it 28 days long. Mills doesn’t name the months—he just numbers them from 1 to 24. He sets the starting date as the equinox of the year that corresponds to 1609 and 1610 A.D. Galileo Galilei began observing Mars through a telescope in 1610, and picking this as the starting date ensures that all of the major Mars observations and discoveries are given a positive date.