Tilly and the Crazy Eights

by Monique Gray Smith

  “What’s up, Tilly?”

  Damn, how’s she always know? Tilly thought to herself. She crossed her arms and lowered her head, remaining quiet. Mabel watched her for a moment, knowing that when she was ready, Tilly would talk. She always did, and this time was no different. After the next song, Tilly started, “I was just thinking how crazy it is that here we are surrounded by twenty thousand people, and I feel so lonely.”

  Mabel put her arm around Tilly and gave her a squeeze. “Oh, my girl, it’s going to get better, but it’s up to you to make it better.”

  Tilly felt her chest constrict and she couldn’t catch a full breath. The drums had begun again and with each beat she felt her heart might burst. She took a deep breath, but it didn’t help. She turned to Mabel. “I need air.” Tilly stood and bolted up the stairs and out the closest door, trying to catch her breath. Once outside she leaned forward, putting her hands on her knees, like an athlete recovering. When she felt like she could breathe again, Tilly noticed that she was at the back of the stadium, overlooking the city of Albuquerque. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky as the sun released the last of its rays, spreading hues of red, orange, and gold across the city. The air was warm, and yet a shiver ran through her body.

  Tilly didn’t know what feeling came after “discombobulated,” but whatever it was, that’s what she was feeling. She closed her eyes, folded her arms across her chest, and tried to warm herself up. That’s when her nostrils caught the unmistakeable scent of home-grown tobacco.

  The smell.

  The smell of Grandma Tilly.

  Tilly stood motionless, absorbed in the scent of her grandma. She’d come to Tilly like this before, and Tilly knew that, when she opened her eyes, Grandma would be there. She also knew that no one else could see her.

  As Tilly opened her eyes, Grandma Tilly stood beside her. “Quite a view you’re looking at, my girl.”

  “Grandma,” Tilly’s voice caught in her throat.

  “I know, it’s been a few days since I visited you, back there in Sedona.”

  “I knew it. I knew that dragonfly was you.”

  “Good thing I showed up when I did or who knows what trouble you might’a gotten yourself into.” Grandma had never been one to mince words, not even from the spirit world.

  Tilly turned away and looked to the ground. She was pretty sure she knew what would’ve happened with her and Rob that day had Grandma Tilly not intervened. She knew full well that not being happy in her marriage meant she had to do something about it, and that doing something about it didn’t mean having an affair.

  It was like Grandma could read her mind, “So my girl, what are you going to do?”

  Tilly exhaled and shook her head. “I don’t know, Grandma.”

  “Oh, but I think you do know. That’s why you’re out here.”

  Tilly glanced over at her. “What do you mean?”

  “There’s no accident you came out the door you did and found yourself right here,” Grandma spread her arms out in front of her, “in the glory of Grandfather sun setting. I think you’ve come out here to use the strength of the sun to fill you up, so you have the courage to make the changes you need.”

  “You make it sound so easy.” Tilly looked away and out at the landscape.

  “But it is, don’t you see that, my girl? In your heart you know what’s right for you. Sometimes you got so much chatter going on in your head that you don’t hear your heart.”

  Tilly could only nod in agreement.

  Grandma Tilly continued, “Somewhere you closed up your heart. You can’t blame Mick for that. That’s your doing. You’re the only one who controls if you have an open heart or not. Remember who you are?”

  Tilly nodded and under her breath uttered, “Beautiful Light Woman.”

  “That’s right, you’re heart is your light. You come from a long lineage of Ancestors who shared their heart. Even when they were hurt and they thought they’d never recover, they opened their heart and loved again. You need to follow the way of your Ancestors. Find the courage to love again. And you need to start with yourself.

  “That man back there in Sedona. The one who caused you to feel all twitter patted? He was a gift. He reminded you of who you are, Beautiful Light Woman. He saw that in you. We all see that in you, but the real question is, do you see your beauty?”

  Tilly closed her eyes. Grandma had always made it clear that no one was responsible for Tilly and her life, except Tilly. Somewhere along the line, she’d either forgotten this teaching or it had simply become easier to blame others…especially Mick. She eased her eyes open, hoping Grandma would still be there. She was, and Tilly took comfort in the lines across Grandma’s face, each one a story of a life well lived.

  For a long time after Grandma had passed over to the other side, Tilly would lie in bed at night and in her memory she’d retrace the lines of Grandma’s face. Now, as Tilly looked at her, each of those lines was exactly as she remembered. Tilly found it funny how she cursed the lines that had begun to appear beside her own eyes and between her eyebrows. She hoped that one day she’d love her lines as much as she had loved Grandma Tilly’s.

  As the sun continued its descent across the Albuquerque sky, Grandma Tilly gazed across at Tilly. She knew how much her granddaughter missed her. “I’m always with you, Tilly,” she said, resting her hand on Tilly’s shoulder. “I’m the gentle breeze that tousles your hair, I’m the shiver that goes down your spine, and sometimes I’m even the dragonfly that crosses your path.” Grandma winked at Tilly, and Tilly smiled back. She was only beginning to understand the depth of her gratitude that Grandma Tilly had shown up that morning in Sedona.

  They stood side by side, watching as the radiant sky changed colors. “I’m everywhere, Tilly. You just need to close your eyes, breathe, and you’ll feel me. And when you need help, sit quietly and listen. If you listen, really listen, your heart will give you the answer.”

  Tilly closed her eyes, wanting to pause this moment in time. She knew that when she opened them, Grandma would be gone.

  52

  A Knock in the Night

  RAP, RAP, RAP. Tilly stirred in her sleep, the sound merging into her dream.

  Bang, bang, bang.

  This time the knock at the door startled Tilly awake. She glanced at the clock on the hotel nightstand: 3:45 a.m.

  Like a phone call in the middle of the night, a knock on the door rarely brings good news.

  Tilly swung her legs over the side of the bed and groggily shuffled to the door. Looking through the peephole she saw Annie standing there in her nightie, arms crossed, hair tussled, eyes wide and blinking fast. Tilly was now fully awake. Her hands moved at lightning speed to unlock and open the door. Annie, her breathing shallow, looked desperate. “It’s Sarah. Something’s wrong.”

  “I’m coming,” Tilly said as she turned to grab her housecoat and then rushed down the hall after Annie. When they entered the dimly lit room, Tilly found Sarah hidden below the covers. Her shivering shook the bed.

  Annie leaned in close to Tilly and whispered, “She woke me up about an hour ago. She was burning up then, so I put her in a cool bath, but now she’s freezing.” Annie crossed her arms and choked out, “I’m afraid I made it worse.”

  Tilly reached over and put her hand on Annie. “You didn’t make it worse. It’s the cycle of a fever.”

  Tilly knelt down beside Sarah and placed her hand on her shoulder. “Sarah, it’s Tilly. Let me look at you, love.” Sarah slowly pulled the covers down that she had wrapped over her head in an attempt to get warm. Tilly gently wiped the sweat-drenched hair from Sarah’s forehead and placed a kiss where her hand had been. As she removed her lips, Tilly closed her eyes for a moment before looking up at Annie. Their eyes exchanged a knowingness. This was more serious than a fever. Tilly stroked Sarah’s cheek and whispered, “We need to take you to the h
ospital, Sarah.”

  Sarah shook her head, “No, can’t go—” it took immense energy for her to finish “—no insurance.”

  Out of the corner of her eye, Tilly saw Annie’s head fall forward. After a few seconds, Annie squeezed onto the bed beside Sarah. She couldn’t stop herself from blurting out, “What? No insurance? We were all supposed to get insurance before this trip!” Beneath the anger in Annie’s voice was the fear of what no insurance could potentially mean. No medical help for her sister.

  Sarah took a sharp breath and said, “With my cancer,” a chill shook her body, “I couldn’t afford it. So,” another gasp, “no hospital.”

  Annie and Tilly shared a glance, their eyes searching…

  Searching for hope.

  An idea.

  Hope.

  A solution.

  Hope.

  A plan.

  They were grasping for anything. Anything that might help them.

  “Do you have Tylenol?” Tilly asked.

  “No,” said Annie.

  Tilly began to rise, saying she had some, but, with a shake of her head, Annie interrupted her. “No. No, we aren’t going to do this. She needs more than Tylenol. I’ll pay. I don’t care what it costs. We’re taking her to the hospital.”

  They both expected Sarah to put up a fight, but she didn’t.

  It was a silent surrender.

  In that instant, the three of them knew that Sarah’s recovery from cancer had gone sideways.

  Tilly hustled back to her room, changed out of her pyjamas, left a note for Mabel, and grabbed the bus keys. Together Annie and Tilly were able to get Sarah into the bus. Annie ran back to the hotel to ask the lobby staff for directions to the hospital.

  When they arrived at the hospital, Sarah was having difficulty breathing, so the staff whisked her in. Tilly and Annie stood at the emergency room door, helplessly watching as it closed before them.

  From behind a glass window came, “Y’all need to come on over here and get the paperwork sorted out.”

  Tilly and Annie looked at each other. Tilly put her hand on Annie’s arm and guided her to the window and together they began the process of filling out the paperwork for Sarah’s admission. When it came time to produce insurance papers, they informed the woman that Sarah had no insurance. “Well, how y’all gonna pay for this?” she questioned.

  Annie dug into her purse, pulled out her wallet and placed her credit card on the counter. “Use this.”

  “You sure?” the woman asked as she looked over her horn-rimmed glasses.

  Annie nodded and pushed the card closer to the woman.

  “Alrighty then.”

  After what seemed like hours of waiting in the cold, drafty, and somber emergency room, the doctor came out. Both women stood and Annie reached for Tilly’s hand. The doctor explained that they had given Sarah oxygen and she was now breathing a bit easier, but that the X-rays revealed pneumonia in both lungs.

  “Pneumonia?” Annie said, shocked. “It’s the end of April and it’s hot. How’d she get pneumonia?” Annie was trying to make sense of a situation that didn’t make sense.

  The doctor took a step closer to them and responded, “Sometimes, after chemotherapy, patients are more susceptible to infections because their immune system is weakened. By the look of her chest X-ray, I’d say she’s had this for quite a while. Probably walking pneumonia, but now it’s more serious.” The doctor continued to explain to them the treatment she had begun for Sarah and what they might expect over the next few days. “I have to tell you, though, she’s very sick.” Being trained as a nurse and having worked in a hospital, Tilly knew exactly where this conversation was going. She put her arm around Annie and guided her to a chair.

  Annie could feel her chest rising and falling.

  The doctor stood over them. “We’ve got her hooked up to an IV to try and restore her fluids and on the strongest antibiotics possible.” She always hated this part, no matter how many times she had to say it, it never got easier. “But you need to prepare yourselves.”

  Annie inhaled sharply, her body flinched, and she doubled over. “Noooooo,” escaped her lips. Tilly pulled her closer and looked up at the doctor, who seemed like a messenger of darkness hovering over them in their fragile vulnerability.

  The doctor looked away for a moment. She needed to get back, but there was never a graceful way to leave after delivering news like this. “Give us a bit to get her comfortable. I’m going to give her something to help. I’ll send a nurse for you when you can see her.” She turned on her heels and escaped through the emergency room doors.

  The two women sat in silence, stunned by the news they’d just received. Each attempting to sort it out in her own way. Again, they had no choice but to wait. And pray.

  Annie stared at the bulletin board in the hospital emergency room, unable to think. Actually, that’s not true. She couldn’t stop thinking. Thinking horrible, horrible thoughts about what this might mean for Sarah.

  “Liz.” Annie moved her fingers up and down on her kneecaps, whispering, “My Liz. Can you call my Liz?” With tears streaming down her ashen cheeks, Annie repeated, “I need my Liz.”

  “Okay, Annie. I’ll call her.” Tilly pulled out her cell phone and asked for the number. Tilly walked outside while the phone rang. She was about to leave a message when at the last moment there was a breathless “Hello?”

  “Hello, may I speak to Liz please?”

  “This is Liz.”

  Tilly introduced herself and briefly told Liz that Annie had asked her to call. She told her about Sarah’s condition and attempted to answer the questions that Liz had.

  Then she called Mabel.

  After about fifteen minutes, the nurse came and got Annie so she could be with her sister. Sarah was hooked up to machines and had oxygen tubes in her nose.

  Sarah felt Annie come in the room. She tried to open her eyes, but it was too much effort.

  Annie sat down beside the bed and took Sarah’s hand in hers, careful not to touch the IV that was helping hydrate her sister. “I’m here Sarah, you’re not alone. I’m here.”

  Sarah gave Annie’s hand a slight squeeze.

  For a couple hours, they sat like that, holding hands, not needing to exchange words as Sarah wove in and out of sleep.

  When the doctor came in, she informed Annie that they needed to do a few procedures with Sarah and she was welcome to stay or come back in half an hour. Annie wanted to call Liz. She needed to hear Liz’s voice tell her everything was going to be okay. Even if it wasn’t.

  As Annie walked into the waiting room and headed for outside, she noticed Tilly. And then, she saw them. Each and every one of the elders—her family. They had all come to be there. To be with her and Sarah.

  It was Poncho who saw Annie first. He walked over to her and wrapped her in his arms. She laid her head on his shoulder and began to cry.

  They all made their way over to where Poncho and Annie were, and one by one they hugged her, wiped her tears away, offered her tissues, and hoped she knew she wasn’t alone. Tilly handed Annie her phone. “Liz is waiting for you to call. Whenever you are ready.”

  “I’m ready.” Annie went for a walk and called Liz. Between that call with Liz and the support of everyone, Annie found the strength to face the next few hours and days.

  ***

  A couple of days later, when Sarah had been stabilized enough to travel, she and Annie prepared for the MedEvac flight to Vancouver. Before they left, Poncho gathered everyone in Sarah’s hospital room. They stood in a circle around her bed as he spoke. “I think we need to send our sisters off in a good way, surrounded by our prayers. I have a pouch of tobacco here, wrapped in red cloth. I’m gonna pass it around the circle and ask each of you to say special prayers for these two.” He paused when he noticed that Annie had begun to weep soft
ly. Lucy wrapped her arm around Annie and pulled her in close.

  Poncho continued, “They gonna need our support and prayers as they travel back to Vancouver.” He passed the tobacco to Rose who was standing to his left and then he reached to hold Sarah’s hand. Rose didn’t usually participate in circles or prayers, but this was different. This was for Sarah and Annie. She held the tobacco in both her hands, closed her eyes, and, after a few moments, passed it to her left. Tilly said her prayers, and then the tobacco went around the circle. When the tobacco came to Poncho, he held it to his heart as he said his prayers and then placed the pouch of tobacco on Sarah’s chest. It took all the strength she had to lift both hands and rest them on the tobacco. In the faintest of whispers, she said, “Thank you.”

  “Now just before they take you, we gonna sing you a prayer song.” Poncho leaned over and kissed Sarah on her cheek. “Be well, my sister, and know that you are loved.” He began with a soft beat of his drum and each of the elders joined him in singing the prayer song.

  Not long after, the medical staff came to take Sarah and Annie out to the plane. Chuck put his arm around Bea and his other arm around Mabel. Bea pulled Tilly in close and then Poncho, Rose, and Lucy joined the line, their arms around each other.

  The ride back to the hotel was filled with silence. Words could never fill the vacant seats that had been Sarah’s and Annie’s. In the morning, they would gather and decide on their route home, but for now they each needed time to be with their thoughts and feelings.

  The trip, as they knew it, was over.

  53

  Nature’s Medicine

  AFTER A RESTLESS night, the group gathered over breakfast to discuss their trip home. As they went around the table, it was pretty much unanimous that they should take the fastest route. Then it came to Rose. She was the last to speak and that’s when it all changed.