Tilly and the Crazy Eights

by Monique Gray Smith

  “I know you all wanna get home to be with Sarah and Annie, and I do, too,” she said, nodding her head. “Really I do.” She hesitated for a moment and turned to look at her husband. “But, there’s still Poncho’s bucket list thingamajig, and as you all know, he rarely asks for anythig from anyone.” Her eyes slid over each one of them. “So I’m asking you all for a favor. Can we still go to the Redwood Forest so my husband can hug his tree?” Rose startled everyone when she began to laugh. “Geez, never thought I’d be sayin’ ‘so my husband can hug his tree.’”

  “Yeah, especially not you, Rose,” giggled Lucy and everybody else around the table joined in.

  When the laughter eased, Poncho kept his eyes lowered as he informed them, “I can hug a tree another time. We really should be gettin’ home. We’ve all been through a lot and we’ve been away…”

  Rose didn’t let her husband finish. “No, Poncho! The chances of us gettin’ to the Redwood Forest ever again are pretty much nil.”

  “Yeah. I suppose you’re right,” Poncho admitted.

  “I am right,” Rose said smugly and then turned to the group. “So, whaddya all think? Can we stop and hug some trees?”

  Mabel and Tilly had spent the previous night exploring routes home and knew that heading down off the I-5 to the Redwood Forest was not that much of a detour. Mabel responded, “Yes, Rose. I think stopping in the Redwoods is actually a wonderful idea. I imagine we could all use a bit of Mother Nature’s medicine.”

  Rose’s face lit up, her chest puffed out, and her chin jutted forward as she said to Poncho, “See? I had a wonderful idea.”

  “You always have wonderful ideas, Rose,” Poncho replied and then added, “Okay, maybe not always, but…”

  “You should just stop while you’re ahead,” Rose responded.

  “See? That’s what I mean. You always have wonderful ideas. This is me, stopping.” Poncho’s grin was as wide as his face, and his eyes danced as he looked at his wife.

  Watching these two reminded Tilly that relationships can survive the difficult times. Maybe not always, but here on this trip she had learned of the challenges Rose and Poncho had overcome. And, of course, Bea and Chuck had rekindled their love after thirty years.

  It gave her hope. She knew that what was facing her and Mick would not be easy. They would have difficult conversations, a need for deep honesty and forgiveness, and a need to find their way back to the playfulness that had always been a beautiful aspect of their marriage and friendship. Today, she had hope.

  It was Mabel’s voice that brought Tilly back from her thoughts. “Let’s meet at the bus at nine-thirty, which will give Tilly and me time to sort out our travel and book hotels.”

  And that’s what they did. The first day was emotionally difficult, as the majority of the driving was from Albuquerque to Kingman, meaning they went through many of the same towns and cities they had traveled through on the way to the Pow Wow. Constant reminders of when the bus was full and everyone was healthy.

  The first night they spent in Kingman, at a Hampton Inn. The hotel was short on rooms, so Lucy was sharing with Poncho and Rose. When they walked in, Lucy immediately noticed a yellow sticky note on the headboard. She walked over and read it, then cracked up laughing.

  “What are you laughin’ at over there, Lucy?” asked Rose, who had just come out of the bathroom from washing her hands and face.

  “They must’ve known you was comin’ Rose, cuz they left a special sign here. Just for you.”

  Rose squeezed her eyes. “What are you talkin’ about?”

  Lucy read the sign out loud, “Duvet covers and sheets are clean for your arrival.” She started to laugh again and Poncho began laughing as well.

  Rose couldn’t help herself, she succumbed to the laughter bubbling in her chest.

  ***

  The trip from Albuquerque to Crescent City, California took them three days, with highlights along the way. The elders especially loved the windy and scenic drive from Redding down to Arcata. At one point, they stopped along the river to stretch their legs. The day was warm and sunny, and before Tilly knew what was happening, the elders were rolling up their pant legs, removing their socks and shoes, and wading into the river.

  Chuck was the first one in and after a few steps, he leaned his head back so the sun landed on his face. He opened his arms and said, “Thank you.” Tilly remembered him telling her near the beginning of the trip that sometimes the most powerful prayer is only two words. “Thank you.”

  While the elders were enjoying dipping their toes in the river, Tilly walked a short way along the bank until she came to another clearing. She removed her backpack and pulled out the pouch of tobacco Bette had given her. It was almost empty, and Tilly realized how good it felt to have been offering prayers of gratitude and guidance. This time was no different. As she crouched down, tobacco tight in her hand, she began to pray. Serenity eased into her body and settled in. She could feel it. Her shoulders relaxed, her breath deepened, and her jaw slackened.

  When she finished her prayers and opened her hand, the wind gently tossed the tobacco across the rocks and into the river. Tilly watched as the tobacco floated away. Eventually it would make its way to the Pacific Ocean. She loved the notion that the prayers she had just sent off would join the ocean that was just a few steps from her home back in Vancouver. And, for the first time since they’d left almost three weeks ago, Tilly was excited to get home.

  They made only one more stop that day, Crescent Beach lookout. This time they all piled out and stood in awe of the grandeur that lay before them. The open ocean, the varying shades of blue and the layers of whitecaps that seemed to roll forever. The white sand spread out before them and reminded some of them of photographs they’d seen of Hawaii. After a few minutes of taking in the beauty, they started to take pictures of the scenery and of each other posing.

  Bea hadn’t moved to get in the photographs. Instead, she stood absorbing the roar of the waves and feeling the breeze on her face. She imagined the waves bringing in and filling her with positive energy and vitality and as they rolled out they took with them hurt and mistrust. She had taken a huge leap in loving Chuck, and although it felt right and like a piece of her that she didn’t even know had been missing was back in its rightful place, it was still extremely out of character for her to be so impulsive. Just as she was thinking this, Chuck came and stood behind her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and asked, “Have you ever seen so much beauty as we have on this trip?”

  She leaned back into him, feeling the warmth of his body and shook her head. “No.”

  “Me neither, but the most beautiful sight on this trip…” He was quiet for a moment. “No. The most beautiful sight of my life was when you asked me to go to the Grand Canyon with you.”

  Bea playfully slapped his hand that was wrapped around her waist. “Yeah, and then we didn’t.”

  He smiled and whispered in her ear, “That’s true, but we still have to get to the Grand Canyon one of these days. Maybe we can make it a family trip, with our girls and the grandchildren.” This time, instead of slapping his hand, she placed hers over his.

  The next morning, they were all up early, excited to experience the Redwood Forest. They stopped at a place called The Trees of Mystery. It was located at the center of the Redwood National Park and, as Tilly and the elders discovered while there, the land they walked on and where the trees had grown and lived for centuries was known by Native Americans as “a place of spirits.” When Poncho read this out loud, he stopped and looked around. “I can feel them. The spirits.” At that exact moment, a brush of wind blew through, and the branches on the trees danced, almost as if the spirits were acknowledging them.

  Lucy and Rose weren’t quite up for a hike through the woods and decided instead to take the shuttle to the gondola ride. Along the way they saw trees of all shapes and sizes, some bigg
er than they could’ve ever dreamt. As they sat waiting for the rest of the group to walk up the trail and join them, Lucy asked Rose, “How do you think Sarah’s doing?”

  Rose shook her head from side to side. “I don’t know, Lucy, but I don’t have a good feelin’ ’bout it.”

  Usually Lucy would be angry with Rose for being negative, but this time, this time Rose had spoken what Lucy felt in her heart. They sat quietly, both lost in their own thoughts until the rest of their group emerged from the trail. “Well, there you guys are, we were beginnin’ to wonder if you got lost,” remarked Rose.

  Poncho took a couple of moments to catch his breath. “Nope, just enjoyin’ the glory of it all.”

  “Did you hug your tree?” Lucy asked.

  “You betcha. Many of them,” he proudly replied.

  Mabel smiled at Poncho and added, “That’s for sure! We had to stop every few feet so he could hug another one.”

  “That’d be my husband,” Rose said as she too smiled at Poncho, who stood grinning and soaking up the love.

  Later, after they’d made their way back down and had browsed the gift shop, they boarded the bus. Poncho stood at the front and cleared his throat. “I just wanna take a moment to thank everyone for agreein’ to stop here. It was real good medicine for my spirit.” He looked directly at his wife and said, “I’d especially like to thank Rose, for makin’ my dream come true.”

  “Aw, isn’t that sweet,” teased Lucy.

  What Rose wanted to do was give Lucy a dirty look and say something mean to her husband. But she wouldn’t this time. Rose was starting to like how it felt to be kind. She turned to Lucy. “Yes, he is sweet.” She looked up at her husband who was still standing at the front of the bus grinning at her. Their eyes met. “You are welcome, Poncho. It made me happy to see you so happy.” She patted the empty seat beside her. “Now come sit down. You’re embarrassing me.”

  “I know.” He giggled. “Why do you think I did it?” He made his way to his seat where his wife welcomed him with a roll of her eyes and a kiss. Poncho’s giggling became contagious and before they knew it, everyone on the bus was laughing.

  54

  Arriving Home

  AS THEY DROVE through Vancouver and got closer to the Friendship Centre and to what would be the completion of the trip with Tilly, a variety of emotions wove their way through the bus. The elders would spend the night in Vancouver and they all would visit Sarah and Annie tomorrow before heading home.

  Tilly offered up a silent prayer. Grandfathers and grandmothers help me to have an open heart with Mick, to be honest with him and able to be vulnerable and go to the places we need to go, to have the conversations we need to have, to say what I need to say, and the ability to hear what he needs to say to me.

  With the last part of her prayer, Tilly remembered one of Grandma Tilly’s teachings: We’ve been given two ears and one mouth for a reason.

  When they came to a red light, Bea leaned over and asked Tilly, “How are you feeling about seeing your family?”

  “I can hardly wait! I’ve missed Piper and Grayson like crazy!”

  Bea continued probing. “And Mick?”

  Tilly could feel her grip tighten on the steering wheel. She had mixed feelings about seeing her husband.

  Bea was her usual persistent self. “Tilly, how are you feeling about seeing Mick?”

  Tilly rested her elbow on the open window frame and then leaned her head into her hand. The light turned green and she pushed down the gas pedal. “Nervous.” That one word hung in the air.

  They drove in silence. It was at the next red light that Bea resumed the conversation. “You must guard your tongue. I’m not saying hold your tongue because sometimes there are things we must say, but remember your words can either be medicine or poison. Choose your words and how you say them very carefully. Let them be medicine.”

  “I will, Bea. I will.”

  Finally, they reached the Friendship Centre. Pulling into the parking lot, Bea reached over and placed her hand on Tilly’s arm. “Are you ready?”

  Tilly nodded.

  Bea tucked a strand of Tilly’s hair behind her ear and rested her hand on her friend’s cheek. Tilly closed her eyes and leaned her face into Bea’s hand, seeking the comfort.

  “Thanks, Bea.” She opened her eyes and looked into the beautiful, loving face of this elder who had supported her, guided her, and nurtured her for many years. “Thanks for everything.”

  “You’re welcome, my girl. I love you.” Bea removed her hand from Tilly’s face. “It’ll all be okay.” She moved back in her seat and watched as Tilly’s twins burst out of their car and ran toward their mother.

  “I believe that,” Bea said, but Tilly didn’t hear because she’d already opened her door and was running toward the two lights of her life, Piper and Grayson.

  Tilly held her children for a long time, making up for all the hugs she’d missed. It was Grayson who pulled away first, looking back at Mick.“Come on, Dad. Get in here.” He pulled him in so hard that Mick bounced right into Tilly. As uncomfortable and awkward as this was, they both knew their children were watching, so they each put an arm around the other and leaned in. Mick kissed her on the cheek. “Welcome back, Tilly.”

  Tilly removed her arms from around her children and cradled Mick’s face in her hands and kissed him. A lengthy journey had just unfolded before them and she had no idea where it would take them, but she did know she was willing to fight for their marriage.

  55

  The Long Walk Back

  THE NEXT MORNING Tilly woke to the soft sound of her husband snoring beside her and rain falling on the roof. To say it felt good to be home was an understatement. Something had changed in Tilly, or perhaps she’d simply found her way back to herself. Now, it was time for her and her husband to find their way back into their marriage. Last night, after she’d gotten home from a visit to Sarah and Annie, she and Mick had begun talking, acknowledging that there were many conversations they needed to have. It was Mick who suggested they walk the Stanley Park seawall for the next four days. “As we walk, we talk. We can get it all out and leave it there for the tide to take away.”

  “I like that idea,” replied Tilly.

  They got the twins off to school without incident and climbed into Mick’s truck for the drive to the seawall and their first day of walking. The rain was torrential and the temptation for her and Mick to go somewhere warm and dry was almost too much. Any excuse to avoid the conversations seemed justifiable to Tilly; somewhere in the night she’d lost her nerve to share with Mick what she’d been feeling and thinking and to listen to him.

  He looked at her and shook his head. “No. No, we aren’t leaving because of a little rain. We’re going to do this, Tilly.” He zipped his raincoat up, lifted the hood over his head, and opened his door. He turned to Tilly, who slowly reached for the door handle.

  For a while they walked in silence, their heads down as the rain assaulted them. At one point the wind gusted so hard it blew Tilly’s hat off. Mick went chasing after it and when he came back Tilly said, “Mick, this is ridiculous.” Feeling defeated in many ways, she said, “Let’s just go back.”

  “No.” He put his hand on her elbow and pushed her forward. “Come on, walk. We both agreed to this.” She quickly moved her arm away, turned, and walked swiftly in front of him. He matched her pace and they walked in silence, hands tucked into their pockets and heads down.

  After almost an hour of walking in silence, Tilly stopped to use the washroom. When she came out she saw Mick standing with his back to her. She looked away abruptly, her body ached. The exhaustion of the last week flooded her and all she wanted to do was go home and have a long, hot soak in the tub.

  Slowly she made her way over to him, unable to look at him. “I’m done for today, Mick. We’re not even talking.” She wished it could be easier, a
nd not just the torrential rain and wind part of this scenario, but all of it.

  Mick’s mouth barely moved as he faintly said, “But we’re together and that has to count for something.”

  She wasn’t sure it did count. It was just like it had been for months. Empty. Void of any meaningful conversation. Tilly rocked gently from foot to foot. The motion reminded her of how she used to rock Grayson when he was colicky.

  Grayson. Piper. Their children.

  She had never understood why couples stayed together “for the children,” but now she did. Tilly thought about how many times in her life she had judged others for their actions. These last few weeks she’d come to realize that everyone simply does the best they can.

  “I have an idea.” She still couldn’t look Mick in the eye. “Why don’t we each get ten minutes to talk? We can say anything in that ten minutes, but we have to talk. No silence. And the other person can’t respond, unless they’re asked a question.” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see he was looking at her. “You know,” she lifted her shoulders and cocked her head to the side, “maybe if we just start talking, eventually we’ll get to the real stuff we need to talk about.” Tilly inhaled deeply and her words came tumbling out, “Because I don’t know about you, Mick, but I suddenly feel nervous…and afraid…and I need some help to get started.”

  He nodded. “Me too, Till. Me too.”

  So that’s what they did. It forced them to listen to each other and to reflect before responding. They talked more the first two days than they had in the last couple of years. Trying to find their way back, back to who they were before it all got to be too much.

  At different times, they both had to swallow their pride and dig deep within to find the words that could help them build the bridge across the chasm.