Behind the Scenes

by Dahlia Adler

  I Googled Liam.

  Pages and pages of results filled the screen. There were fan clubs devoted to Liam, fan clubs devoted to his character in that stupid movie, fan clubs devoted to “Lanessa,” and even fan clubs devoted to Tristan Monroe, his character on Daylight Falls who had yet to be revealed to the world.

  I clicked on one after the other, reading about the perfection of Liam’s abs (But have you ever traced them with your finger or tickled them with the ends of your hair?), the sexiness of his voice (But have you ever heard it whisper faintly in your ear about how good you smell, and taste, and feel?), and the otherworldliness of his eyes (But have you ever seen them crinkle up when you’ve made him laugh by doing a terrible Al Pacino impression, or telling him about the time you accidentally mooned a bus of star-seeking tourists, or regaling him with the awful joke about the pirate and the peanut butter?) (Or have you ever seen the way they glaze over when he’s exhausted from kissing you for hours, or the way they glitter in the dark when you’ve turned off the lights to watch a movie, whose script he probably knows entirely by heart? Or the way they look at you like their owner forgot how beautiful you were until just this moment?)

  I dropped my head into my hands, groaning. Why had I thought I could handle this? Worse, how had I managed to convince myself that I was over Liam when I so obviously wasn’t?

  Still, I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Instead, I searched for Holly Crenshaw’s blog, suddenly burning with the need to read the “interview” with Van and Liam that had precipitated our breakup. Both breakups, really.

  I bumped into America’s hottest new (or not-sonew? Sources say things were brewing between the couple for months before they made it official) couple, Vanessa Park and Liam Holloway, at yet another one of Josh Chester’s infamous bashes. They were every bit as cute as they are in promo pics for their new series, the long-awaited Daylight Falls, which will be revealed at upfronts next week.

  The young couple was first spotted out on Santa Monica Boulevard, and they’ve been inseparable ever since.

  “It’s great to finally find someone who shares a lot of the same values I do,” says Liam. “My girlfriend’s such an amazing person, and she keeps me really focused and driven but is also really chilled out. She makes me want to be really proud of what I do.”

  How adorbs, right?? And what does Vanessa Park—Van to her nearest and dearest—think of her man?

  “He’s such a great guy,” Van gushes. “He’s kind, he’s loyal, and he’s really great to the important people in my life.”

  Does that include BFF Alexandra Duncan, who was rumored to have a fling with Liam? The question makes both halves of the couple laugh.

  “Ally’s literally the best person I know,” says Van. “The idea that she would ever do anything to hurt me is laughable.”

  The phrases “my girlfriend” and “the important people in my life” were a one-two punch to my gut. Something that felt very much like an icy fist closed around my heart, making my chest ache unbearably. This time, I did shut down the computer, and I got the hell out of Josh’s house. Maybe packing would help me figure out how the hell I was going to apologize to them both.

  * * * * *

  My attempts to talk to Vanessa before I left for New York were nothing but failures. She didn’t answer my phone calls, texts, or e-mails, and I’d just decided to suck it up and march up to her door when Josh informed me that we needed to leave for our flight four hours early so he could get his customary preflight shave and massage.

  I was no more successful at checking out my future neighborhood as I’d planned; I barely had five seconds to text my parents and tell them I’d arrived safely before Josh all but shoved me in the car he’d had me order so we could take off for our day of getting him fitted for new suits, taking him to interviews, and scouting out the perfect outfit for Liam’s party from Barneys before heading to the airport. (On the bright side, Josh did tell me to use his credit card to “buy myself something pretty.” I decided to ignore the fact that he seemed to think I was his hooker and promptly did just that, heading straight for the sale section as was my habit and plucking a gorgeous black Stella McCartney mini-dress off the rack.)

  Not that I planned to go to Liam’s party. I was dying to see him, but there was no chance the feeling was mutual, not when I’d treated him so badly. Plus, I still hadn’t figured out how to even begin to go about apologizing to Van, and I didn’t know what I’d do if I showed up and she was there, her arm intertwined with Liam’s, acting like the perfect girlfriend.

  But my biggest fear of all was that it was no longer acting between them. It’d been weeks since I’d spoken to either one; what if, in that time, the fake relationship became less fake? What if the reason she wasn’t answering my calls was that she was by his side 24/7? If only Josh weren’t such an asshole, I might’ve asked him, but I was far too embarrassed, and far too unprepared to deal with it if the answer were yes.

  “You sure you’re not coming?” Josh asked as he finished buttoning the black shirt we’d bought at Prada earlier that day.

  “Positive,” I confirmed as I flipped through the channels on the TV in our room at the Mercer Hotel. (Yes, we’d only gotten one room, but Josh assured me about a thousand times that there was no way he’d be sleeping in that bed tonight. Wink wink, nudge nudge.) “Have fun, and please don’t come back, especially with any gory details.”

  “Not to worry,” said Josh, picking up the bottle of cologne he’d also bought that day and spraying it liberally while I did my best not to choke on it. “Look at me. Do I look like I’m sleeping alone tonight?”

  I just rolled my eyes. Josh didn’t need my confirmation that he looked hot, and there was no way I was going to give it to him. “Anything you need me to do tonight while you’re gone, boss?”

  “Just sit tight by your phone,” he instructed. “I’ll probably text you with some names to look up.”

  “Oh, joy,” I muttered, but I did make sure the ringer was up on my cell phone, which sat on the nightstand next to the bed.

  “That reminds me, I gave that hot chick at Barneys your number. If she calls looking for me, just send her to the party.”

  “Which is where?”

  “Liam’s suite at the Bowery. He’s trying to keep it small.”

  “Just you and a hundred of your closest friends?” I asked wryly.

  Josh smiled smugly. “If Holloway’s lucky.”

  If I rolled my eyes at Josh one more time, I was pretty sure they’d stick that way. “Have fun.”

  Josh glanced at the TV; I’d settled on watching Shannah Barrett’s stupid show, just to torture myself. “You too,” he said, obviously holding back. I threw a pillow at him, and he let it out, the sound of his mocking laughter trailing after him as he exited the room, leaving me alone to wallow in my misery.

  * * * * *

  I was happily lost in the world of crappy TV when my phone rang. I glanced at my watch and snorted. It’d only taken Josh twenty minutes to find a piece of ass, and now I was going to have to spend equally as long looking her up to make sure she wasn’t secretly a paparazza, a gold-digger, or a man. I rolled over with a sigh and grabbed the phone, and was surprised and a little afraid to see that it was my father.

  “Dad?” I greeted him hesitantly as I turned off the TV. “Is everything okay?” My dad wasn’t much of a phone chatter, even in his healthier days, and every time I saw his picture flash on my caller ID, I was afraid he was calling with bad news.

  “Better than okay, AlGal,” he said, his voice cheerier than I’d heard it in months. “I wish I could tell you this in person, but I can’t wait.”

  My entire body tingled with a combination of anxiety and excitement. “Did the IL-2 work, then? Is the cancer gone?”

  “Almost, honey. I’m down to fifteen tumors, and all but two are benign.”

  My mouth dropped open. “Fifteen tumors? And that’s good news?”

  He laughed, startling me. “Do y
ou know how many I started with, Al?”

  “No,” I admitted.

  “Neither does anyone else. My chart just says ‘too many to count.’ This is amazing news. The doctors say that at this rate, they expect me to go into full remission in just a couple of months.”

  I hadn’t even realized that my eyes were filling with tears until one spilled over and landed on my lap. Several others quickly followed, but I couldn’t even be bothered to wipe them away. I could feel myself smiling so hard that it hurt.

  “Daddy,” I just barely whispered, my voice caught in my throat. “That’s amazing.”

  “Yeah, kiddo, it really is.” I could tell that he was crying too, and it made me cry even harder.

  “I’m gonna come home,” I announced, climbing off the bed to gather my stuff. “I’ll text Josh that I’m leaving and I’ll get on the next flight, okay?”

  He laughed softly. “That’s okay, sweetheart. Have fun in New York. We have plenty of time to celebrate when you get back. It’s just another two days, right?”

  “Right,” I said, but I didn’t feel good about it. “I just really want to see you now.”

  “I know, sweetie, but you have a responsibility to be there, and besides, you should have fun and get to see the city a little bit. Now that we’ll all be coming to visit, you’ll need to up your tour-guide game.”

  I laughed automatically, but my head was a whirlwind. My dad was going to live. My dad was going to be able to visit me in college. My mom wasn’t going to be alone. Lucy and I weren’t going to be down a parent. Next Father’s Day wasn’t going to be immeasurably sad. It was like everything I’d prepared myself for over the last four months had been for nothing, and I couldn’t have been happier.

  “Consider it done,” I managed, swiping at my runny nose with my free hand.

  “So what are you up to tonight, kiddo? Just because you’re a few thousand miles away doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate.”

  “Watching TV in my hotel room,” I admitted. “I suppose I could order room service in your honor.”

  “Oh, come on. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’re eighteen and you’re in New York City! I know my life just got lengthened a little, but life’s still short, AlGal. Way too short for wasting on movies you’ve seen a hundred times when there are brand-new experiences to be had. Now get up and go out, will you? But be safe and no drinking. Or smoking. Or drugs.”

  I laughed. “Aye aye, father. I’m gonna put on my fanciest jeans and sneakers and head off to McDonald’s to get myself a fancy New York City cheeseburger.”

  “That’s the spirit! Love ya, kid.”

  “I love you too, Dad. I’ll see you on Sunday.”

  We hung up, and I turned the TV back on, but I couldn’t focus. My dad was right; I needed to celebrate. He’d been to hell and back and emerged with the second chance he’d been looking for. It only seemed appropriate that, in his honor, I fight for my second chance as well.

  * * * * *

  Thirty minutes later, I’d successfully washed off any evidence of my crying jag, swapped my lounging clothes for one spectacular mini-dress, and done the best I could with my wavy auburn mass and a hotel blow dryer. My shoes were nowhere near cute enough, my nails were chipped, and I probably shouldn’t have so stubbornly refused to entertain Josh’s offer to treat me to an eyebrow wax, but I was as ready as I was ever going to be. I grabbed my phone and purse, dabbed on some lip gloss, and went down to Mercer Street to get myself a cab.

  * * * * *

  The ride to the Bowery Hotel took far less time than I needed to screw up the courage to face Liam and possibly Vanessa.

  “Just go in, say happy birthday, and if it’s horribly awful, pretend you have a message for Josh and then run,” I muttered to myself as I stepped into the hotel’s beautiful lobby and walked up to the reception desk. “I’m looking for Liam Holloway’s room,” I said, cringing inwardly as I heard the shakiness in my voice.

  The receptionist narrowed his eyes at me. “There’s no one staying here under that name,” he informed me coldly.

  Had Josh lied about where Liam was staying for some reason? Was he trying to make a fool out of me somehow? “Thanks anyway,” I said, turning to walk away, when the receptionist’s words repeated themselves in my head. Under that name. Of course Liam wasn’t staying under his own name, and, as it happened, I knew exactly what pseudonym Liam was fond of using; he’d told me on our very first “date.” I turned back.

  “How about Frank Slade?” I asked, giving the name of Al Pacino’s character in Scent of a Woman.

  That did the trick. The receptionist warmed right up and directed me toward the elevator. A minute later, I found myself standing in front of Liam’s door, the sounds of a full-fledged party blasting from inside, the pounding of the music uncannily matching my heartbeat.

  I knocked, and with every banging of my fist on the door, I felt my nerves seize. What was I doing? And why? What if that door swung open and Liam and Vanessa were standing on the other side, making out in full force? What the hell would I do with myself then?

  I didn’t have time to figure it out. The door swung open, revealing an extremely smug Josh Chester. “I knew you’d show up.”

  “I shouldn’t have,” I said, feeling my cheeks flame. I turned to go, but Josh’s hand closed around my arm and pulled me back.

  “Don’t even think about it,” he said shortly. Then he called back into the room, “Hey, Holloway, my present finally arrived!”

  “Your what?” I tried to wrench my arm back, but Josh’s grip was too tight and people were starting to stare. “You ass—”

  “Ally?”

  Josh and I both looked up at the sound of Liam’s voice. God, I’d forgotten how gorgeous he was. Fan club pictures didn’t do him justice. The summer sun had added even more golden highlights to his slightly shaggy hair, and his shirt sleeves were rolled up to reveal deeply tanned and well-muscled forearms. The shirt was new—or, at least, not one he’d worn before—and its deep green color turned his eyes the beautiful, mesmerizing shade of wet leaves. Those eyes were currently staring at me as if I’d come to announce that I’d run over his dog. Crap. I knew I shouldn’t have shown up.

  I smiled meekly and waved to match. “Just thought I’d come say happy birthday,” I said, my voice barely audible above the music. I could feel heads turning in my direction, and I knew it was time for me to go. I did, however, notice that Van’s wasn’t one of them. “So, um, happy birthday.”

  Josh had loosened his grip when Liam had said my name, and now I eased out of it and went back into the hallway. I could feel tears threatening to fall again, and not the happy variety I’d cried just an hour earlier.

  I leaned against the wall and took several deep breaths, willing myself to stay calm enough to get back downstairs and get myself a cab, but I’d only gotten two breaths in when the door opened and Liam stepped in front of me, his brow still furrowed in confusion.

  “I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I shouldn’t have come.”

  “Probably not, but even though it makes me a total chump to say it, I’m glad you did,” he replied, the corner of his mouth lifting in a small smile. “I’ve been wondering how you were doing.”

  The words were nice, but there was an undertone of Don’t forget why I don’t know how you’re doing that made me wonder if a second chance really was in my reach. “I’ve been all right,” I said quietly. “Feeling a bit like a jackass, but all right.”

  He laughed briefly, and there was no trace of happiness in it. “Well, I certainly know how that goes.”

  It wasn’t quite the opening I’d been hoping for, and suddenly, I felt like I’d shown up at the SATs without a no. 2 pencil. “It’s good to see you.” It was the understatement of the century, and I immediately felt sorry for saying it. “I mean, you seem good. Look good.” Shut up, Ally.

  “Do I?” he asked lightly. “Because I don’t feel all that great.” We were both silent for a few
moments, and then he said, “You look good too. Really good.”

  At that, a tear escaped and trickled down my cheek, and I angrily swiped it away. “Don’t be nice to me,” I demanded.

  He stepped back. “Okay. How do you want me to be?”

  “I don’t—I just—I mean, I came here to apologize. Don’t be nice to me until I get to apologize.”

  A lock of hair fell into his eyes as he nodded, and he pushed it back impatiently. “Okay.”

  I looked down at my toes for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts, but all the words I’d prepared to say on my way over slipped out of my mind as if they’d never really been there in the first place. I looked up into those beautiful, sad eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what, exactly?” He sounded genuinely curious.

  I opened my mouth to list my sins—not being honest about how much the publicity stunt bothered me, not telling him about prom and how much it meant to me, leaving the party without telling him, breaking up with him over the phone—but then I heard myself whisper, “I just wanted to be enough.”

  Pain flashed across his face. “Of course you were enough, Al. You were everything.”

  “No, I wasn’t,” I said, feeling more tears slip down my face, faster than I could catch them. “And I get now that I couldn’t have been, that you were so used to being alone that you never understood that you had somebody real in your corner. You didn’t need to do that publicity stunt with Van, and you didn’t need to hire Jade. It was all a safety net, and I should’ve told you that you don’t need one, that you are great and you are talented and you were going to be fine no matter what happened.”

  “Ally—”

  “Let me finish. Please.” I took a deep, shaky breath. “I screwed up, Liam. Or we both did, I guess. I should’ve let you say no to Jade when you first wanted to. You didn’t need her, and neither did Vanessa. And it was so stupid, because my whole life, all I’ve ever wanted was ‘normal,’ but then normal wasn’t normal at all, and what I had was so much better and I—” My voice broke, and I swiped my tears away, only to feel new ones take their place. “Even after all of that, it wasn’t you. I thought it was, that it was because you were a star and had your whole weird lifestyle, but it wasn’t you. It was me. I don’t think I ever came around to believing that we were possible, that I could be the one when you were surrounded by girls who would’ve been a better fit.”