My Soul Loves

by Barbara Gee

He joined me at the edge of the porch, keeping a few feet of space between us as he leaned back against the rail, his hands gripping it on either side of his hips. I looked down and noticed his knuckles were white. Somehow it helped knowing he was as tense as I was—or close to it.

  “I want to tell you why I couldn’t talk to you for so long,” I began.

  “Couldn’t, or wouldn’t?” he asked when I paused, his words coming out with some bite.

  I licked my lips nervously. “In my mind, at the time, it was couldn’t,” I said, looking away from him so I could concentrate. I cleared my throat again and tried to focus, but my words still came out a rushed, jumbled mess. “It’s going to sound so dumb to you. I’ve been kicking myself for thinking I had a good reason for handling it the way I did—for thinking I was doing the right thing. But in hindsight, it was all so avoidable. I jumped to a conclusion and panicked, and I got in my head I couldn’t let things go any further with you until I talked to my friend Myla, but I couldn’t get ahold of her. She’s off doing some kind of training and doesn’t have access to phones or wifi.”

  I stopped to take a breath and glanced over at him. He was looking at me, eyes narrowed and lips parted in total confusion. I let out a frustrated breath.

  “Okay, Jude, here’s the deal.” I folded my arms and started from the beginning. “When I got your mail that day we were working here, I saw on one of the envelopes that your middle name is Paul. I didn’t think anything of it until later that night, after we had dessert with Hannah and Chase. All of a sudden, I realized your initials are JP. So, I thought you were JP.”

  “How in the world could you think I was my brother?”

  “Because I didn’t know you had a brother named JP. Every time you mentioned him, you called him Jed.”

  “Then why did my initials mean anything to you at all?”

  I rubbed my upper arms, wishing I’d worn a sweater. “That’s where things get complicated, and it’s also where Myla comes in. Myla Garrettt. She’s from Hidden Creek, and she’s been my best friend since I was eight.”

  “I know who Myla is. She and JP dated for a few months.”

  “Exactly. And he broke her heart into so many pieces she left town to join the army.”

  “Yeah, I know that, too.”

  He still looked confused, so I spelled it out. “I thought you were the man who hurt my best friend. The one she still hasn’t gotten over. I thought I was going to have to confess to Myla that I was dating the guy who drove her away from her home and family, and I was pretty sure I knew how she’d react to that.”

  His beautiful blue eyes bored into mine as he finally comprehended my dilemma. “You thought she’d forbid it?”

  “She probably wouldn’t have done that,” I said, shaking my head. “Not in so many words. But I knew I’d be able to tell from her initial reaction whether she’d be able to handle it, or if it would set her back again to know I was dating her ex.”

  “And if she couldn’t handle it, you and I would be done?” Again the bite. Again, I had it coming.

  “I don’t know. I mean, yeah, I guess.” I gave him a pleading look, needing him to understand why I would’ve felt compelled to make that decision, even though my feelings for him were so incredibly strong.

  “She’s my oldest and best friend, Jude, and the thing with JP completely devastated her. I’m not putting all the blame on him, because to this day she’s never told me what happened. But that fact alone—the fact that she still can’t talk about it, not even to me or her mom—it shows how deeply she was hurt. When I thought you were JP, I knew I couldn’t let things get more serious between you and me without talking to her first.” I sighed and dropped my gaze to the wooden floor of the porch. “I was pretty sure I knew what I was going to have to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not until I knew for certain. I kept holding out the slimmest hope that maybe she’d tell me it was okay, and it would sound solid enough that I could believe her.”

  It was a while before he responded. “Did you really think I was JP up until the day of his accident?”

  I hunched my shoulders, remembering the terrible moment I’d thought Jude was being airlifted. “I thought that until Chase came out into the courtyard at the hospital and told you JP had woken up. That was when I realized there’s an actual “JP.” Before that, I thought Myla had just referred to you by your initials so I couldn’t look you up.”

  “Wow,” he said quietly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry about how I acted at the hospital, by the way. Seeing you kinda caught me off guard.”

  “I understand,” I said quickly. “You were under a lot of stress. Plus, I’m sure I wasn’t your favorite person after going silent for two weeks.” I flashed back to the moment when I’d seen him walking down the hall in the hospital. “I was awfully glad to see you, though,” I told him fervently. “I didn’t know if you were—I mean, I thought maybe—” I couldn’t put what I’d feared the most into words, so I just broke off, clenching my jaw against the onslaught of emotion.

  “I’m sorry about that, too.”

  I breathed out slowly. “Not your fault. I’m just glad you’re okay and that JP’s going to be okay.”

  He turned fully toward me. “Ava, I’m trying to understand, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why you didn’t just ask me.” He spread his arms, his frustration evident. “Why didn’t you just ask if I’d ever dated Myla Garrett?” He dropped his arms, shaking his head. “One question, Ava, and all this goes away.”

  I forced myself to look at him without flinching. If the eyes were windows to the soul, I wanted him to see into mine. I didn’t want to hide from him anymore.

  “I didn’t ask, because I was so sure I knew the answer.”

  “But you never heard anyone call me JP.”

  “No, but until I found out about your brother, I didn’t think Myla’s guy actually went by JP. Like I said, I thought she was just using initials so I wouldn’t know his name.”

  “Then, for all you knew, the ‘P’ could have stood for a last name?”

  I frowned and nodded. “That’s actually what I’d always assumed it was, first and last initials, until I saw your middle name. Then things clicked and I thought it had to be you. She’d told me her guy was new in town when they started dating and he worked construction. All the pieces seemed to fit.”

  He looked skeptical and I gave a frustrated moan. “I know, Jude, I know. Do you think I haven’t gone over my stupid assumption a million times since I found out you weren’t who I thought? I feel like an idiot.” I swallowed back a sob and looked back down at the floor. After a moment, I tried again. “I think I panicked because I already felt like things were too good to be true with you. I was halfway expecting to have the rug ripped out from under me, and then it was.”

  The silence lasted too long, and it wasn’t a comfortable one. I’d done my best to explain, but just as I’d feared, it wasn’t enough. He turned back to look out over the yard again, bending over to rest his elbows on the railing, his hands clasped.

  “What are you expecting now, Ava?” he asked softly.

  I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, as if that could protect my heart. “I don’t know what to expect,” I told him honestly. “All I know is what I hope for.”

  He glanced over at me, then returned his gaze to the yard. “Care to share?” he asked.

  I nodded, even though he wasn’t looking at me anymore. “I hope for you, Jude,” I said bluntly, my voice only slightly shaky. “I hope your feelings for me haven’t changed and that you can forgive me. I hope to eventually get back to the way things were, and…..then I hope for more.”

  He pushed away from the rail and straightened, closer to me now, close enough that I could smell him. Soap and Jude—a scent I wouldn’t forget as long as I lived.

  “You think my feelings have changed?” he asked, still not facing me.

  I managed half a smile. “I’m terrified that they have.”<
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  He slid his hands into his back pockets and I wished he would’ve reached for me instead. I longed for him. Ached for him.

  “They haven’t, Ava,” he said, his voice low and rough. “The last four weeks have been the most frustrating time of my life, bar none, but my feelings are the same.”

  I swallowed hard and felt hope begin to swell. But something still wrong. I could see it in his eyes when he glanced over at me again.

  “The thing is,” he went on, “for the first time in my life, I found out how bad this can hurt. One minute I’m falling hard for the girl next door, and the next minute she’s not speaking to me. I have no idea why, because all I get is a few vague texts saying she can’t see me. So I show up in her front yard when she gets home one night. She says she misses me, but then almost two weeks pass—and nothing. I can only assume I screwed things up, but I have no idea what I did. I want to fix it, but how can I, when she says she needs space and won’t even talk to me?”

  My throat ached at his words, at the knowledge of what I’d put him through. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, but there was no way I could speak right then, and the words wouldn’t be enough anyway.

  “I’m not used to someone having that kind of power over me,” he went on, his voice growing more ragged. “The power to determine whether I’m happy, sad, or mad.” He shook his head slowly, regretfully. “I’m being honest when I say my feelings for you haven’t changed, but to tell you the truth, Ava, I’m not sure I want to give that power back to you. A big part of me thinks I need to just keep trying to get over you, because who’s to say you won’t disappear all over again? Over some other issue. Or maybe you’ll simply realize I’m not who you want after all. Then I’m right back to where I am now. Only worse, because I’ll be even more attached.”

  “Jude—”

  He held up a hand. “I mean it, Ava. I don’t know if I can do it again. I had no idea I could hurt this much, and that’s after only knowing you for a couple weeks. If we’d had months together, like JP and Myla, then I have to say I can understand a hundred percent why Myla took off.”

  “Me, too.” I forced the words through my aching throat, amazed to hear him speak my own thoughts.

  His gaze was steady as he waited for more. I gave it to him.

  “I’m so sorry for how I reacted to what I thought I knew. I know hiding away and not talking to you for two weeks made it seem like I don’t care, but the fact is I care too much. I was so sure you were Myla’s ex, and I knew there was basically no chance I could be with you. Not without destroying her all over again. Convincing myself I needed to talk to her before I told you what was going on was my way of putting off the inevitable.”

  He remained silent, and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I took the opportunity to finish what I’d come there to say.

  “I should have broken things off with you right away, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was desperate to somehow make it work. I even came up with the scenario that Myla might have met someone since she left, someone who swept her off her feet and made her forget all about JP. I guess I was clinging to the whole ‘stranger things have happened’ concept.”

  I looked at him regretfully. “I just kept waiting for her to call, because as long as I didn’t hear from her, there was still a chance, right? A tiny one, but still a chance. At least, that’s what I chose to believe.”

  Jude wasn’t ready to let me off the hook. “None of that changes the fact that you should have talked to me as soon as you came up with the idea I was Myla’s ex. Me, not her. That’s how a relationship should work.”

  “I know. I was just so worried about what it would do to Myla—” I broke off with a sigh, because that was only part of it. “Okay, that’s not the whole truth.” I met his gaze as bravely as I could, determined to be completely honest. “I was worried about her, and that’s what I was mostly focused on. But I was also scared of talking to you about what happened between you two—I mean, if you were JP.”

  “Why?” he asked. “I’d have thought you’d jump at the chance to finally have your questions about Myla and JP answered.”

  I took a couple breaths, then leveled with him.

  “Myla never told me why she and JP broke up, but I’ve always suspected it was because he was unfaithful. I mean, she was so hurt, and I couldn’t think of anything else that would cause her that much pain.” I dropped my eyes to the floor once again. “I was genuinely worried about Myla’s reaction to us being together, but I also didn’t want confirmation that you’d cheated on her. I didn’t want to know you had that in your past. And, of course, by ‘you’ I’m referring to when I thought you were JP.”

  He didn’t reply right away, and when he did, his voice was gentle. “I can understand that, but it only reinforces what I’m saying about being in a relationship. You can’t hide from the hard stuff. I’ve never been unfaithful, Ava, I promise you that, but if I had been, it would be important for you to know it. To know it and face it and decide if you could deal with it. Pretending the tough issues don’t exist is only going to increase the odds of them coming back to hurt us even more later on. I’ve seen that firsthand with both JP and my sister.”

  I glanced up at him and he was staring out over my head with a troubled expression. His eyes cut back to me as he finished his thought. “I haven’t been a saint. I’ve never cheated, but I’ve made mistakes. If I’m going to be with someone, I need to know we can talk about everything. If we gloss over the hard stuff, whether past or present, there’s not much chance of ever cutting through the baggage. And we all have baggage of some kind.”

  I listened, agreeing with every single word he said, even though my actions these last few weeks suggested the opposite.

  I ached with regret. This man was everything I’d thought and more, and I’d blown it. That was tough to accept. I felt myself getting even more emotional, but I was determined not to cry until I left. I didn’t want him to think I was trying to soften him up with tears.

  “I can’t change what I did, Jude,” I said thickly. “I just hope you believe me when I say I’m sorry. It’s not the first time I’ve had to learn something the hard way, and it won’t be the last, I’m afraid.” In spite of my best efforts, my eyes grew wet. “I’m so sorry I disappointed you.”

  He wiped a hand down his face, his fingers rasping against the stubble I loved. “At least now I know. I’m glad it wasn’t anything I did.” He slid his hands back into his pockets, his expression solemn. “I appreciate you coming over. I’m sorry for not getting back to you to set up a time.”

  I folded my arms, resisting the urge to beg for another chance. “It’s okay. I deserved a dose of my own medicine.”

  One corner of his mouth curled up. “Maybe, but it was still petty of me.”

  I cleared my throat, still managing to hold back the tears. “I should go,” I said. “Sorry your pizza will be cold by the time you get to it.”

  He shrugged. “A microwave is the one appliance I do have. It’s all good.”

  “Okay, well, thanks for listening.” I managed a semblance of a smile. “Sorry again that it took me so long to talk to you. I’ll, um….maybe I’ll see you around.”

  I quickly turned to go, wanting to get away before I ugly-cried, but he grabbed my hand to stop me.

  “Whoa, Ava.” He tugged my hand to turn me back around, and I found him looking at me intently. “Maybe I’ll see you around? Seriously?”

  I looked at him, confused. “I’m trying to make it easy on you, Jude.”

  “Easy how?”

  “By not begging for another chance.”

  “Why do you think that makes it easy on me?”

  “Because then you don’t have to try to let me down gently.”

  His eyes narrowed slightly. “Do you want to beg for another chance?”

  I managed a slight smile. “Not if I know it’ll end with you letting me down gently.” I wasn’t sure where this was going, but I’d tried to
leave and he’d stopped me—I dared to hope that was a positive.

  His lips curved into a half smile and my heart rate started to pick up. “I’m not sure what comes next, Ava,” he said softly, “but I think it’s more than I’ll see you around.”

  I was afraid I’d say the wrong thing, so I just stood there and stared at him, my heart now pounding hard enough to vibrate my chest.

  His eyes were guarded as his gaze held mine. I knew even if he gave me another chance—gave us another chance—it would be a while before he would trust me not to make another huge error in judgment. I understood, and it didn’t scare me. I knew I’d be able to prove my commitment to him in time. And there was nothing I wanted to do more.

  “Do you think maybe we can just do the old ‘take it a day at a time’ thing for a while?” he finally asked, his voice low. “See how it goes?”

  I stood there perfectly still as his words sank in, when what I really wanted to do was fall to my knees and thank him from the bottom of my heart.

  I nodded eagerly. “Yeah, I definitely think we can do that.” I tried to be as stoic as him, but in the end I couldn’t hold back a relieved, happy smile. “I don’t want to screw up again, though, so if I break any of the ‘one day at a time’ rules, you’ll have to let me know.”

  He was still holding onto my hand, and now he laced his fingers slowly through mine. “We’ll make the rules as we go, except for one, and it starts right now.”

  I raised my brows and waited.

  “There can’t be any prolonged periods of no contact,” he said, his gaze holding mine. “We talk at least once every day. Texts don’t count. It has to be either face-to-face or a phone call.”

  “Or Facetime?” I suggested.

  He grimaced and shook his head. “No. I hate Facetime. That’s another rule. Facetime’s not allowed.”

  I grinned, the thin thread of hope that had refused to die feeling a little more sturdy. “Not ever? But what if I have to show you something?”

  He grunted. “I might agree to visit the issue on a case-by-case basis. But you always have to check with me first. No just dialing me up and expecting me to smile into the camera.”