The Resolution for Women

by Priscilla Shirer

  Now as with our last resolution, the topic of parenting is so all consuming, we could read volumes on it and still be left with much that can only be learned through personal experience. So I’ve purposefully titled this resolution “Loving My Children” in order to narrow down our focus to this one particular theme.

  Love.

  How can this best be seen in a parent-child relationship?

  Scripture teaches us that love is not passive; it is demonstrative and active. “We must not love with word or speech, but with truth and action” (1 John 3:18). So the first thing to know is that love in a biblical, godly sense is expressed through visible actions. Second, it’s intended to serve the best interests of another by instilling and encouraging in them the practical experience of living in God’s truth.

  When our primary goal as mothers is teaching our children God’s truth, the whole focus of our parenting changes. We begin to filter every decision we make through the question, Is this in my children’s best interest, and will it help them grow into adults who know God’s truth and desire to live according to it? This may not sound like love to your children, but it should sound like love to you.

  To your children, love means being given permission to watch endless hours of television, to digest inordinate amounts of ice cream, and to be relieved of most (if not all) responsibility around the house and to the family. In their shortsightedness they’re unable to see and understand what their “best interests” are, beyond a specific moment of enjoyment. So a fair share of your “actions” toward them will not always translate as love to their minds. They may think your so-called love is overbearing and unnecessarily restrictive.

  And in all honesty, loving your kids in the way we’ve defined it here will often not even feel like love to you. There will be times when your requirement to be loving will go against the grain of every emotional fiber in your being that longs to coddle and caress these sweet little angels whose diapers you once changed in the glow of the morning sun. Sometimes the greatest enemy to loving our kids is . . . ourselves. Moms especially, I think. We so easily allow our feelings to guide us instead of making the tough, resilient decision to love our children with wisdom, maturity, discernment, and discipline.

  If we’re going to love them as defined by Scripture, we cannot ultimately aspire to their friendship. We’re their parents. And there’s a difference in those roles. We are in position to teach them how to live in a way pleasing to God, a way that leads them toward becoming respectful, responsible adults. Yes, ask the Lord to bless you with their friendship on the other end of that, but this cannot be your primary pursuit now.

  So don’t take this resolution lightly. Ask yourself, “Does the way I’m raising my son or daughter reveal that I’m a ‘loving’ mom, or just a mom ‘in love’ with my child—a pushover who’s easily swayed by their tears, tantrums, and ever-changing mood swings?” If there’s rarely anything you do that doesn’t feel like love—to them—then you may have cause to wonder. If they like everything you do and the way you do it, you may be a mom in love with your child who needs to work on being truly loving.

  Because love is not child’s play. It’s serious business.

  And our children need parents who are on the job.

  • In light of a decision you are currently facing with your child, what would differentiate a “loving” response from an “in love” one?

  • In all honesty, which do you desire more . . .

  to be your child’s friend.

  to be your child’s parent.

  • How does this affect the way you parent?

  • If you are not a parent, consider your own upbringing. If your parents were overly indulgent, how did this affect you? What if they were too strict?

  The Soul Shaper

  Mothers must take on three roles if they’re going to love their children well: the soul shaper, the intentional encourager, and the discipline dealer.

  Let’s consider the soul shaper first.

  Ah, the human soul. A magnificent composite of mind, will, and emotions, as well as the seat of the conscience. Every person is created by God with this part of their makeup in place. The only problem—and it’s a big one—is that without the indwelling presence of God’s Spirit, the soul is completely degenerate, ruled by fleshly lusts and totally separated from God.

  In this state, conscience alone is unable to make completely accurate judgments concerning right and wrong, which leads the individual to live in a way that is displeasing to God. He can’t help it. None of us can. We come into life with souls that are in desperate need of being awakened and reprogrammed.

  And only a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can do it. He is the one and only hope for a lost soul.

  Including your child’s soul.

  Yeah, I hate to break it to you like this, if you weren’t aware of it, but . . . your child is lost. As sweet and beautiful as our kids are, they are each born as sinners in need of being rescued from themselves. And just like us—just like everybody—Christ is the only One who can do anything about it. He alone can . . .

  keep their unruly minds from becoming the enemy’s stomping grounds.

  bend their will until it wants to follow God’s ambitions for them.

  steady their runaway emotions before they get our kids into all kinds of trouble.

  awaken their deadened conscience so it can be led by God’s Spirit when you’re not around to tell them the difference between right and wrong.

  And because they need Jesus so desperately—both to have relationship with God and for their soul to be molded—you are the one who must consistently ask the Lord to stir a desire for Him in their hearts, even from birth. You are the one who keeps praying this prayer even when they grow up and leave your home. You are the one who has “no greater joy than this: to hear that my children are walking in the truth” (3 John 4).

  This makes you . . . a soul shaper.

  The soul shaper is stunningly aware that her prayers for her child are significant and that once her child receives salvation, she is God’s primary tool to work alongside the Holy Spirit to see that the transforming process occurs effectively in her child’s soul. Whether she is married or raising her children alone, she knows she cannot accomplish this alone, so she involves other entities like her church and relatives to assist in the effort. But she and (if she’s married) her husband know that the main responsibility is theirs. They don’t allow anyone else to take their place as the primary influencers in their children’s lives. Helping them know and become sensitive to God’s conviction, teaching them how to recognize His way of directing them through their conscience—these are things the soul shaper helps her kids discover little by little, day by day.

  And as they mature, she continues to work along with God’s Spirit to see that this shaping takes place. She doesn’t make her child-rearing decisions in reaction to their tears and tantrums but expresses her love by determining ahead of time what will best complement God’s work in the shaping of their minds, will, emotions, and consciences. She sees herself as a partner with God in His work, helping to steward His transforming process in their lives. So she trains them by clearly defining and demonstrating expectations, practicing these directives into habits, and then executing consequences when her loving rules are rejected.

  When she’s no longer surrounded by little noses, toes, and voices, she still sees herself as God’s partner in this effort, asking Him continually to clarify how she can be used for His purposes in her grown children’s lives. She knows that her work is never really done.

  Tall orders, huh?

  And yet as a mother truly resolved to love her kids, the soul shaper can do no less. She considers herself a warrior, fighting for her family. She’s not willing to sit idly by while other people and cultural paradigms tamper with her children’s mind-sets, disrupting the soul’s transformation. She knows that if their minds are ever to think and operate in a way that’s pleasing to the Father, the
y must hear and see much more of God’s righteousness than they do of the world’s filth. So she carefully, vigilantly considers how to make sure that one always outweighs the other, controlling the kinds of influences she allows to affect their lives.

  This is her life’s work, and she protects her investment at all costs. She refuses to allow the pollutants of mindless entertainment, vile suggestions, and godless teaching to take center stage in her children’s psyche. While she realizes that she cannot completely shield her children from everything, she does her best to counteract it and to see it coming. She doesn’t take the night off by sending her “life’s work” over to someone’s home she barely knows or letting them participate in an event where she’s not clear on the kind of activities or supervision that’s offered. She is concerned about every aspect of her children’s lives, and she takes this role with the utmost seriousness.

  She’s not a perfect parent; she’s just a woman who believes that her parenting is kingdom business.

  Additionally, the soul shaper isn’t always on defense. She works proactively to stand against her children’s natural, human tendencies and the world’s continued influence. That’s why she resolves to be a woman of the Word. She knows the importance of saturating her children in the Scriptures, and she is creative and consistent in making this happen. She is keenly aware that knowing and learning the Word are not only paramount in helping her succeed as a mother but in helping her children find success in life as well.

  So she diligently and deliberately reads the Bible to them. She requires them to tuck God’s Word away in their hearts where she knows it will keep them from wandering from His commands (Psalm 119:10–11). Even if her kids hate this process as much as they hate doing their daily homework, she doesn’t let up. Doesn’t let a little moaning, groaning, and pouting discourage her from maintaining her leading role in shaping souls. She knows this steady discipline will cause their minds to be transformed, their spirits renewed, their ears more easily opened to the Spirit’s voice as they grow into adulthood.

  This leads her to post Scripture verses throughout the house, where her kids will pass by them on the way to brushing their teeth or getting an apple from the fruit basket. She wafts the Word through the air with worship music while she’s cooking and cleaning and catching up on the laundry. She gathers with other believers in the context of her local Bible-teaching church so her children can see that her family is not alien and strange to believe this stuff but is part of a whole family called the body of Christ.

  She is radical and militant.

  Her stance is strong, her resolve sure.

  She is a soul shaper—on mission to use these few, short years she has with her children to help them conform into the image of Christ.

  Oh, and one more thing. The soul shaper knows that she will never have the strength to persist in this endeavor if she herself is not on the same journey of transformation that she’s working so diligently to cultivate in her children. If they are ever to know God (not just know about Him), she must be a woman who expresses His joy, loves His Word, and enjoys His company as much as she tells them they should. She doesn’t pound the “thou shalt nots” into their heads without showing them through her smile and lifestyle how much fun this adventure with God can be. She realizes that nothing can speed her children’s spiritual growth faster than when they see the proof of it in her own eyes. So she follows the clear pattern of Deuteronomy 6:5–7, nurturing her own relationship with God first, and then systematically surrounding her children with evidence of His truth.

  [You will] love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

  This is the soul shaper’s inspiration. She knows that if she first loves God with all her heart, soul, and strength, then she can teach it to her children authentically and inspire them to do the same.

  This is our resolve, sister. To champion a new standard. Resolving that from this day forward, and with God’s abundant help—which none of us can do a single thing without—we will guard the spiritual thermostat setting in our home. Because that’s how a mother loves her children well.

  And you can do it.

  We can do it.

  A transformed child starts with a transformed mom. And she—I mean you, the soul shaper—lives to make sure this transformation happens.

  • What are some ways the soul shaper partners with God defensively? Proactively?

  • This question is for everyone, but single mom, you especially: Who are some people who can help walk alongside you in this highly challenging resolution?

  • Consider this: Amelia Hudson Boomhall, a woman of the seventeenth century, was resolved to demonstrate Christian living to her children. She said, “I made it a rule to take my children one at a time into my room and, having been careful to see that they were comfortably seated, I would say, ‘I’m going to talk to Jesus.’ And then before my child, I would pour out my soul to Him. Oh, how precious are the memories of little pinafores lifted to wipe my eyes, or the sound of sweet little voices saying, ‘Don’t cry, Mother.’”5

  • How can you creatively live your Christian life openly before your children?

  • If you are married and your spouse is not resolved to take the helm of spiritual leadership in your home, do not be discouraged and allow your children’s spiritual health to flounder. Respectfully ask him whether he’d mind if you led devotions or encouraged Scripture memory with your children. This way he doesn’t feel as if you’ve plowed ahead without him.

  The Intentional Encourager

  It’s a classic Bible story. God appears to King Solomon one night and tells him He’ll give him anything he wants. Just name it. But instead of asking for health and wealth or prosperity and prestige, Solomon surprisingly asks for wisdom, a request that meets not only with God’s favor but also with the promise of more “riches, wealth, and glory” than any king before him or any king yet to come would ever experience (2 Chronicles 1:7–12).

  I’m amazed not only by Solomon’s request but with this fact: when he was presented with this incredible offer, he was only twenty years old.

  Two-zero.

  I ask you: What twenty-year-old do you know who, if given the kind of independence young King Solomon had, would’ve handled this divine opportunity in so mature and farsighted a way? Not many?

  Me neither.

  All I can figure is that it must have had something to do with the way Solomon was raised.

  His father, King David, was the most respected man in all of Israel, a person uniquely blessed by God and honored by the people for his outstanding courage and leadership. He wasn’t perfect. Not by a long shot. He made some colossal mistakes in both his personal life and his parenting. But in order to rear such a sensible young man as Solomon who could respond to God’s offer so carefully, David must have done some things right, as well.

  Maybe we get a clue into this during one of the last occasions when we hear David speaking about his son. Standing in the presence of a vast assembly of people (including, most likely, Solomon himself), David announced plans for Solomon to succeed him as king and how he intended to make preparations for him. He said . . .

  My son Solomon—God has chosen him alone—is young and inexperienced. (1 Chronicles 29:1)

  It sounds strangely like a modern-day parent saying to his mouthy, know-it-all teenager, “Listen, buddy, you don’t know everything!” David was open and honest about his son’s deficiencies, almost in a way that sounds like a public slam or rebuke. So why did this not deflate Solomon’s spirit? Why did hearing his father call him out for his youth and inexperience not make him feel condemned and worthless? Why did it just make him all the more eager and enthusiastic to become the wisest king he could be?

  I think some of it had to do w
ith that middle phrase his father spoke just as boldly as the last: “God has chosen him alone.” Even with Solomon’s obvious weaknesses, David affirmed what he saw the Lord doing in his life. And he wasn’t doing it just in private but before a vast gathering of people. He was telling them plainly the plans and preparation he was making right then for the future tasks his son would undertake. He even encouraged them—despite his son’s failings—to assist in providing large amounts of treasure and building materials for the temple that Solomon would one day build. David was calling his son to great things and enlisting others to help. He was supporting him at great sacrifice and proving that he had confidence in what his boy was capable of doing and becoming, despite the current outlook.

  In other words, David believed in his son. And it made Solomon want to live up to that expectation. He didn’t have any problem with his dad’s being honest—about his inexperience and all—because David peppered that sentiment with a father’s encouragement. As a result, he raised a child sensible and shrewd enough to ask the Lord for wisdom above every other delectable option on the table.

  David’s example teaches us something powerful. To raise children who are wise, focused, discerning, and passionate about the things that really matter in life, you and I need to be intentional encouragers. Like David. Even when Solomon’s gifts couldn’t yet be clearly seen, even when his talents had yet to be honed, even when his leadership skills were not yet intact, David encouraged Solomon to see the potential in himself—and encouraged others to see it in him too. Instead of belittling or discouraging his son, David seemed to accept the normalcy of this season in Solomon’s life. Sure, he was just a kid, prone to making the immature mistakes of the inexperienced. But his father saw a king in him and told everyone to prepare for his becoming one even though his current choices and actions might seem contrary to the notion.