The Resolution for Women

by Priscilla Shirer

  That’s the role of the intentional encourager.

  And that’s you.

  The intentional encourager is honest with her kids. She tells them what they need to hear, even when it’s not what they want to hear. She doesn’t overlook their immaturity, mistakes, and mishaps; but when she brings these points up, there isn’t a general air of disapproval and low expectation. She chooses rather to temper her honesty with the grace of edification and encouragement. She goes to great lengths to protect her children’s spirits by making sure the overarching tone of their relationship is one of approval. She doesn’t try to force her children to be more like somebody else—especially more like one of their siblings. Even during those seasons of their individual lives that she wishes would hurry along more quickly than others, she resists the urge to compare one’s progress with another. She seeks rather to focus on the unique gifts, talents, and skills God is patiently perfecting in that particular child, doing everything possible to foster it, even when it’s different from what she expected or is developing more slowly than she’d hoped.

  She just knows God has purposes “prepared” for her children to “walk in” (Ephesians 2:10), and He has consecrated each kid—set them apart—to accomplish those God-given purposes.

  Eventually.

  And so she fights not to become discouraged during those periods of glaring immaturity and inexperience. Even when staring their failures in the face, she remains encouraged (and encouraging) while simultaneously taking the necessary steps to get them back on track.

  In so doing, she doesn’t let herself deflate or listen to those inner voices that say she’s a terrible mother. She chooses rather to try relaxing in this current stage of their lives, reminding herself (as well as others who may be starting to doubt it) that her children have been chosen by God for specific purposes. She sees destiny in them even when they’re “young and inexperienced” and does everything she can to edify and encourage those traits that make them special while applying appropriate guidance and correction. She never stops believing that her diligent work as a mother now will provide the framework for her children’s success later.

  She’s an encourager—an intentional encourager—who expresses love to her children by not allowing them to settle for immaturity or succumb to mediocrity. She inspires excellence not by demanding that they meet the arbitrary standards of others but that they rise to the achievable challenge of their God-given purpose and potential in every arena of life. She speaks highly of her children to others and is not bashful about soliciting positive, prayerful help in calling out the best in her kids. She knows that she is to be their most honest confidant and also their biggest cheerleader.

  Like David, she believes in her children.

  And who knows? This kind of intentional encouragement might cause a twenty-year-old child of yours, who’d normally be lost in the foolishness that most young adults seem incapable of escaping, to turn his or her face toward the heavens and say, “Lord, give me wisdom.”

  When they do, you can count on God to grant them what they ask.

  And more.

  • Record some of the unique characteristics of each of your children. How can you call these out for specific encouragement?

  • List some of the immature actions and temperaments in them that might normally discourage you. Keep this list in a place where you can always be reminded to pray regarding them, and consider who you can enlist to encourage your child in these areas.

  • Carefully consider how you can make the overarching tone of your relationship with your child one of encouragement and approbation.

  The Discipline Dealer

  Jerry and I recently met a successful businessman in his mid-forties who’s been married for twenty years and has two teenage sons. Sitting in his office, listening to Bill talk about his family, was captivating to me. He and his wife have an immensely enjoyable relationship with their boys, a fun-loving connection that makes spending time together as a family the high spots of their week.

  Intrigued by this all-too-rare relationship between parents and their teenagers, I asked Bill what he attributed it to. His answer was simple yet profound: “We enjoy them so much now because we were serious about training and instilling discipline in our boys when they were younger. We decided what kind of adults we wanted them to be, then we trained them accordingly and insisted that they comply with those expectations. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.”

  He went on to recount how guests visiting in their home had always been stunned at the boys’ willingness to set the table before dinner or assist their mom in getting the laundry gathered from all the hampers on washing day without complaining. The respect with which these brothers spoke, not only to other adults but also to each other, clearly demonstrated the deeply ingrained regard for others that existed in their home. The trust they’d earned from their parents had long remained intact because they’d been taught from the ground up the importance of being responsible.

  Bill wouldn’t want you to think his kids are perfect. They’re not. Neither are their parents. They’ve certainly had their difficulties as things have played out. But there’s no doubt these are responsible, considerate individuals whose personalities have been purposefully, deliberately shaped by caring parents.

  Loving parents.

  Can’t tell you how much this conversation encouraged me. As our own boys quickly approach adolescence, we’ve actually met a number of parents with teens who’ve told us it’s not nearly as bad as everyone says it will be. And while we’ve also met lots of others who don’t share the same outlook and conclusion, we’ve noticed that those who’ve had (and are having) the most positive experiences all seem to share a common characteristic.

  They are discipline dealers.

  These are parents, like Bill and his wife, who established goals right from the start about the type of adults they wanted to see their children mature into, then put a specific plan of action in place to attain it. They never considered their children too young, cute, and irresistible to start early with implementing the discipline and training this process would entail. As loving discipline dealers, they’ve been careful, of course, not to “provoke [their] children to anger” with inappropriate forms of correction, but they’ve been seriously hands-on about bringing them up “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 NASB). They know that self-discipline is only produced as the result of being lovinglydisciplined. So they’ve established clear expectations and then created an environment in which their children know the boundaries and ground rules, know how to live inside them, and what’s sure to happen if they don’t comply—the immediate reinforcement of consistent, age-appropriate consequences. These parents don’t threaten consequences and then fail to carry them out. Their standards are clear and dependable.

  That’s love.

  I remember reading a book, before I had kids, that talked about how even one-year-olds are able to respond to expectations and discipline. I remember thinking how unreasonable it seemed to expect that much from a young toddler. But I also remember being surprised a few years later when my two-year-old actually did start saying “please” and “thank you” and picking up his own toys and putting his sippy cup in the sink instead of leaving it on the kitchen table. When I showed him what to do and spent some time training him how to do it, I couldn’t believe it—even little ones can learn how to behave, based on what they’re taught and what they see exemplified. I haven’t done it perfectly, but I am trying to do it purposefully.

  It just makes sense, doesn’t it? We can’t expect our children to become what we don’t train them to be and reinforce in their lives. And what goes for manners and sippy cups applies to larger life lessons as well.

  If we want them to be responsible, we must train them to be responsible with their chores, homework, and personal duties. If we want them to be considerate, we must enforce the manners we expect them to use with siblings and friends. If we want
them to respect and submit to authority, we must make it start with how they treat us as their parents, while also letting them see us demonstrate this same principle ourselves in our home, our work, our church life, and other areas.

  The discipline dealer creates a mission statement for her children that she keeps at the forefront of her mind as she rears them. If boys, her statement might include a focus not only on responsibility and consideration of others but also on learning how to show respect for women, preparing them to fill well their future role as leaders in their homes. If girls, her statement might address such themes as excellence, initiative, and responsiveness to others’ needs, as well as fostering in them an appreciation for modesty. Based on these statements, the discipline dealer can carefully, methodically spend these years doing what is required for these practices to become a regular routine in her children’s lives.

  One couple we know, who are raising five children, included in their mission statement a deep desire to teach their kids to honor others by encouraging them to go beyond their normal responsibilities to inconspicuously do kind things for one another. In order to accomplish this, they frequently ask their children how they can strategically honor one of their siblings—perhaps by making their bed for them, or cleaning their plate from the table instead of just taking away their own.

  They’re also intent on teaching responsibility. So these discipline dealers resist the naturally parental urge to repeatedly rescue or resolve every little problem their children are facing. When someone forgets to take his lunch with him, Mom doesn’t automatically race to the school with sack in hand. When someone lets a homework deadline slip up on her, Mom and Dad clearly remind but sometimes allow the child to suffer the consequences of waiting till the last minute. If the kids break a window after being clearly told not to play with that ball in the house, they can expect to pay for at least a portion of the repair with their own money. These parents want their children to know that many of the things they enjoy simply as a result of being their children are not rights but privileges. And in order to maintain them, they must learn not to take them for granted. If they do, they lose the privilege.

  They are discipline dealers—intent on seeing their mission of raising responsible, considerate, respectful young men and women come to fruition.

  One single mom, who just sent her oldest daughter off to college, is a pro at creative, consistent, discipline dealing. When her teenager wasn’t doing a good job keeping her room clean—and had the nerve to claim that this was her prerogative since the room was “hers”—she took the bedroom door off the hinges. So much for that “right” of privacy a teenage girl reveres! It was the worst possible punishment her daughter could imagine. But it got her to clean her room. And it made her take a big step in the direction this mother envisioned for her as a growing adult—respectful, grateful, and responsible.

  Yes, being a discipline dealer requires time and effort (and sometimes a power drill). It will often be inconvenient and uncomfortable and a real blow to your reputation around the house. But the discipline dealer is willing to do it because her highest priority is to rear children who are responsible, respectful, compassionate, considerate, humble, selfless, generous, and gracious. People who are a joy to be around. It’s ultimately the best way—the only true way—to win the hearts of your children.

  • When you sign your name to this resolution, don’t feel burdened to be perfect. Rather, resolve to express biblical love to your children, and then consider this a starting point on that journey. Craft a mission statement for your children, and then implement small things that will point them in that direction. This is a resolve to see in your children the potential for true spiritual greatness and to care enough to give them what they need to achieve it. To love them. To really, really love them.

  LOVING MY CHILDREN

  I will demonstrate to my children how to love God with all their hearts, minds, and strength, and will train them to respect authority and live responsibly.

  __________

  LIVING WITH GRACE

  A resolution to make my home a welcome place to be

  Grace

  He was a struggling salesman, rising early each morning to go from one proverbial closed door to another, attempting to sell a variety of products made by the company he worked for. The days were long and exhausting, and he often had little to show for his efforts—certainly not from lack of trying, just from lack of takers.

  His young, redheaded wife had been only eighteen when they married. And as their family grew, she spent the better part of each day trying to figure out how to make their small living quarters an enjoyable, satisfactory space, given the difficulties of their financial strain. Yet the day came when the strain turned into the kind that can make a girl want to give up—when she went to flip a light switch, and no lights came on. Thinking it was only a mishap in the electrical system, she went to another light source. Again, nothing. Another, nothing. Throughout the house she flipped switches—nothing—confirming what she already knew but didn’t want to believe. Their electricity bill hadn’t been paid.

  Worse yet, it couldn’t be.

  So for the remainder of the day, she did the best she could to take care of her household responsibilities. Even as the lengthening shadows of late afternoon slowly shrouded the kitchen in dim light, she prepared a makeshift dinner, then set it out with care and dignity on their darkened dining room table. A flashlight search uncovered some half-used candles, which she lit to create an elaborate place setting. The scene was gorgeous.

  When her husband arrived, tired and road weary, he found her and the children seated at the table, smiling and waiting to have dinner with him. They enjoyed their candlelit meal. Had good conversation together. The children especially loved the unique touch of candles at dinner. Thought it was fun. Their home was full of peace and serenity despite the circumstances—circumstances the children didn’t even know about.

  Neither did her husband.

  He went straight from the table and collapsed exhausted into bed, beside which she’d lit more candles. She never said a word. It wasn’t until the next day, when he arose to get ready for work, that he realized there were no lights. Putting the mental pieces together, he realized what his wife had done—how she’d preserved his dignity, how she’d opted for peace and beauty rather than friction and discord in response to the inconvenience.

  He walked past the bed one more time on his way out the door that morning, just long enough to brush the red wisps of hair from her cheek and whisper, “Thank you,” into her ear. Whether she heard or not, he didn’t know. But he was too grateful to let the opportunity pass him by. Grateful to be sharing a home—sharing a life—with a woman committed to being gracious, promoting peace, overlooking shortcomings, providing an environment in which her family could flourish, even when living in less than desirable circumstances.

  And at their fiftieth wedding anniversary, adult children and grandchildren standing at their side, this was the moment he recounted when asked to share his favorite memory from their life together.

  This is the picture of a woman living with grace.

  Whether you are married or single, your home is holy ground. And you are a holy attendant, bestowed with the responsibility and privilege of creating an atmosphere in which the essence of God’s grace, freely extended to you, can be felt and sensed through the grace you freely extend to others. Your home is the place where you cultivate a peace to be enjoyed by the others who live there and by all who enter its doors.

  Does that sound like a long shot to you? With all the chores to be accomplished, the stresses to be dealt with, the arguments to referee, the disorder to navigate? Maybe in your estimation your home is the last place where you think peace can ever really hang out.

  And yet you are the person on whom it often hinges. We as women hold the primary controls to the mood, spirit, and quality of life within our homes. It’s not about infusing more beautiful décor, more careful o
rganization, better furniture, or updated appliances. (Many people have all these things and still no peace.) It’s about recognizing your power to change the spiritual climate of your home based on your Holy Spirit-enabled resolve to be a woman who exudes a simple yet wonderfully poignant attribute . . .

  Grace.

  This was the advice I received from Rhoda, a pastor’s wife ten years my senior, whom I’d known since I was a teenager. As we were just talking one day about our homes and families, she leaned over to me and said, “Priscilla, peace will be experienced in your home to the extent that grace is extended there. So dispense grace whenever you can.”

  Dispense grace.

  Grace, by definition, is “favor or kindness expressed to the undeserving.” It means giving someone a break when it’s the last thing they deserve to get. And it is precisely what was given to us by God Himself when He extended to us salvation from our sins, despite the fact that we were dreadfully sinful.

  For the law was given through Moses, grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. (John 1:17)

  Before Christ the Mosaic law was the standard by which God’s people were to live—a list of rules and regulations that brought more guilt and shame every time they couldn’t be followed. But when Christ came, He removed the people’s fearful strain and bondage to a legalistic laundry list of demands, replacing it instead with the soft, wooing invitation to personal relationship with God (what He had wanted from His people all along). By meeting all the requirements of the law in Himself, Jesus ensured that our hope and salvation were no longer dependent on the way we tried to meet them. Instead of constantly working for His approval, we were just granted it. By simply believing in Him. Having faith in Him. Accepting His gift.