Here & Now

by Melyssa Winchester

  “I figured the reason for my smile was pretty obvious, but okay. Since they both have the same answer, this is easy.”

  I’m glad one of us understands it because right now I can feel another pair of eyes boring into my back and with how awkward it makes me feel, I’m starting to think it’s putting the awkwardness over being dressed up and in a limo to shame.

  “They’re staring at you for the same reason I’m smiling at you, Caddy. It’s because you’re breathtaking. All of these people,” he says, motioning around the room attempting to make his point. “They’re all as stunned as I was when I saw you earlier.”

  Now I know he’s just being sweet. There’s no way he can be right about this. I’ll admit, the way the dress fits so perfectly and how soft it feels when it does brush up against my skin, I feel pretty, which a lot of times I don’t, but to have an entire restaurant full of people thinking the same thing? That’s just crazy.

  Dillon is crazy.

  Before I can respond, tell him how wrong he is but also thank him for trying to make me feel better, the waiter makes his appearance, first by putting two full glasses of water down in front of us and then following it up by asking if we’re ready to order.

  “Are you ready?” Dillon asks, his voice quiet, his eyes never once leaving mine and my own gaze unable to break away from the way his lips move, something that even with all the time that’s passed never gets old.

  Nodding, he slips the open menu out of my hand and seeing the page I stayed on, turns to the waiter and proves again why I’m so glad he’s the one I fell in love with. He orders for me and then for himself.

  There are times when I’ve spoken aloud where people haven’t judged, but when put next to the amount of times they have, it still makes it hard for me to take a chance. People can say I’m tough all they want, but in a lot of ways, that toughness is only skin deep. It doesn’t go all the way through.

  This is definitely one of those times.

  “So where were we?” he asks before grinning again. “Oh yeah! I was telling my breathtaking girlfriend how amazing she looks.”

  Blushing what I’m sure is ten different shades of red, I lower my head and that’s when I feel the table shake, as his body leans across it and his hand comes out over mine, comfortably squeezing it before slipping it back and quietly signing.

  Thank you for doing this. I know how hard it is for you.

  It isn’t as hard as I thought, I just don’t like the staring.

  When my head lifts again, he reaches out to stroke my face before resting his hand on top of mine.

  “They’re staring because they’re seeing what I see. What I’ve always seen from the first day you flicked me in class.”

  What’s that?

  “You’re sexy, Caddy. Like heart stopping, body melting sexy. Even a blind person would see it.”

  I definitely don’t agree with him about the blind thing, but I understand the point he’s trying to make. He wants me to see myself the way he does, but just like it never works when it’s in reverse and I think the same about him, it’s not working now. I think it’s supposed to be that way.

  We’re never going to truly understand what someone else sees because we aren’t them, but when Dillon looks at me, his eyes all soft even in the low lighting of the restaurant, I get to experience it as close as I ever will.

  Dillon really does believe I’m beautiful and when I’m with him, it’s hard not to feel the same.

  “Will you do something for me?”

  I might be willing to negotiate something.

  “Funny.”

  What do you want me to do?

  I could easily speak the words, but with the feeling of eyes still on me, my lips remain firmly clamped shut and I just let my hands and my eyes do the talking that I can’t.

  “Dance with me?”

  There’s one thing I know about Dillon. He loathes dancing. I questioned him about it once because he let it slip how much he hated it and I wanted to know why. With the way he has to hustle on the field, what he’s told me about his position, I would have thought his response would be different. Seems to me dancing comes easily to him, so hating it makes no sense.

  Since when do you dance?

  “Since I got here and noticed a wide open dance floor over there.” He points and as my eyes follow, I see two lone couples moving back and forth to what I can only assume is a slow song. “And my girlfriend came out her front door looking like she walked out of a fairytale.”

  Can I do this? I love to dance even though I can’t hear the music, and the way Dillon held me at the prom, even though he was injured at the time, it’s made me long for a do-over, but the way it happens in my mind, it’s always private. There is nothing private about this at all.

  Okay.

  Slipping his hand off mine long enough to slide himself out and away from the table, he comes around until he’s standing directly behind me, and placing a small tender kiss at the baseline of my neck, he slides the chair out and comes around, extending his hand to me.

  With my hand securely locked in his, he guides me around the tables until we come out the dance floor he had pointed out seconds before, and wrapping my arms around him, he brings me in as close as possible, his chest inhaling the second his nose makes contact with my hair and looking up, I catch him as he exhales, the smile on his face content.

  He begins to move with me and I wonder with each move our bodies make together exactly what song is playing for him to react this way. The earlier focus I had on the people around me, it fades the more we move, the closer I allow myself into his body and with my senses on high alert, I just allow myself to take in the way he smells, the way he feels and the idea that maybe when the surgery is done, we can come back here and do this again.

  Spinning me out and away from him, his feet, which I hadn’t been focused on before, change their pace and I know what’s going on. This is why I love dancing. When you’re with the right partner, you never have to hear the music to know when things change. They’ll let you know and that’s what he’s doing now.

  Yes, we definitely have to do this again.

  Pulling me back in close, he dips his head down to mine, our eyes trained on each other, mine only breaking away the second I catch his lips parting to speak.

  “How do you feel about being dipped?”

  “When did you become Fred Astaire?” I whisper, and again I’m warmed by the sight of his familiar grin.

  “The day I laid eyes on my Ginger.”

  Before I can come up with a response, I’m being spun around and just as quickly as it happens he’s catching me and I can feel myself being dipped backwards, his strong arms on my back, holding me in place, and it’s only when I look up and really take him in that I catch on to what he’s going to do next.

  Leaning down until his lips are a breath away from mine, he kisses me and in the moment where my heart goes from beating out of its chest because of the dancing, to the second it stilled to a low crawl, it hits me.

  I’m never going to love someone more than I do Dillon Murphy.

  Dillon

  Dancing to me is like wearing a suit. I’ll do it because it’s gotta be done, but I’m hightailing it out of there once it’s over. I’ve just never been a fan, which considering the fancy footwork I need to have when I’m on the field, is actually kind of hilarious.

  I remember Coach telling us junior year that we should sign up for a dance class so we could learn how to move more fluidly as a unit and it’s not a half bad idea. None of us ever did it because I’m pretty sure we didn’t want to be looked at like a bunch of pansy girls, but looking back, it couldn’t have hurt any.

  When I danced with Belle at homecoming, a lot of that had to do with the plan, but there was also a part of me that wanted to get my hands around her. Stupid I know, but I wasn’t exactly thinking with the right parts of my brain back then. All I knew that night was she looked fucking amazing and dancing with her would drive Ka
yden mad, so I did it.

  Hated the dancing, liked the way it felt holding someone, even if at the time I was still faking shit and swallowing down what I should have realized years ago.

  It’s different with Cadence. When I danced with her at prom, I actually had these moments where I felt like shit because my legs were so screwed up from the fight and it felt like I was letting her down. I wanted to dance with her, swing her around and dip her, but my body wasn’t having any part of it.

  So tonight, that’s what the dancing is about. Having what I felt with Belle originally, but with the one person that deserves it more than anything. I wanted to have my hands around my girlfriend, moving to the music with her, feeling her pressed tightly into me. Doing all of the things I wanted to do on prom night but couldn’t.

  I like to dance, just not for anyone else.

  Only Cadence.

  Spinning her around until I could dip her and deliberately kissing her, I didn’t expect to enjoy that as much as I did. The way her lips were pouted as I held her leaning backwards, they were just so damn kissable and I didn’t want to waste time debating what anyone around me might think. I just did it. No thought, no debating, just my lips pressed to hers the way I always want them to be.

  Whenever we’re kissing, we’re connecting. It sounds cheesy, but it’s true. She’s breathing new life into me every single time we kiss and with the way she looks tonight, the way she took my breath away at her door, I definitely need the extra air.

  Eyes are on us. They’ve been on us the entire time we’ve been dancing. None of them can see that she’s deaf, so what she believes, the way she thinks they can just inherently tell that there’s something off about her and are gawking, it’s wrong. They’re on us because when we’re together, how in love we are, how easily we move, almost like we’re one distinct unit instead of two very separate people, it’s infectious. Addicting. The kind of thing you see and can’t look away from.

  Kayden and Belle have it and for the last year, so have we.

  Leading her off the dance floor, catching the two couples out there with us smiling, one of them even clapping as our backs turn and we make our way back to the table, it solidifies my belief. They see me dressed the way I am, see her and all of the beauty she holds, the grace she walks with and part of me thinks they’re being transported back to a different time.

  One where they were young and in love and the world was at their fingertips. I’m sure if Caddy caught even a little of what I did when we walked away, she’d be thinking the same thing.

  Keeping her out there for two dances, our food is waiting for us when we get back and it doesn’t take her long to pick up the fork in front of her and dive right in.

  Another thing I like about her that I’ve never gotten to experience with any of the other girls I’ve been with. She’s someone who doesn’t focus on the fact that she needs to maintain some image or body weight. She focuses on being hungry and just eating.

  Cadence is like no other girl in the world.

  Ignoring my own plate and watching hers, I wait until she places the fork down, wipes at her mouth with the napkin and meets my eyes before reacting to everything I just witnessed.

  Why are you laughing?

  “I’ve never seen a girl attack a dinner plate before.”

  Sticking her tongue out, making me wanna lean across the table and grab ahold of it with my teeth, she grins before lowering her eyes to the plate.

  I couldn’t help it. It looked so good.

  “So it had nothing to do with you wanting to get this dinner over with so we could get out of here and back into normal clothes?” I ask the minute her gaze is trained on my lips again.

  No. Despite the way I felt when you showed up earlier. I like it here. I’m comfortable.

  “So you might want to do this again?”

  “I could be talked into it.”

  The impact on my heart, the way my entire chest seems to seize the minute she speaks out loud, there’s no mistaking how amazing it feels. I was completely okay with going the rest of the night speaking to her while she signed, but my girl, she’s not having any part of that. Her admitting she’s comfortable, they’re not just words. She’s proving it in actions.

  “Does that extend to dancing with me again too?”

  “Yes, if you play your cards right.”

  “Has anyone told you how amazing you are?”

  She blushes then smiles and taps her chin before laughing and I swear, watching how natural it is, my heart starts flipping over in my damn chest.

  “Hmm, you know, I think someone just did.”

  “Well, if it took them that long to tell you, I might need to have a few words with them. Someone as amazing as you needs to be made aware of it every damn second.”

  I don’t wait around for her to reply. I can already tell even before I’ve finished speaking with the tinge of pink creeping across her face that I’ve gotten to her. I don’t need to push for any more. Placing my attention back down on the plate in front of me, I finally settle into a silent moment where the both of us don’t need to be looking at each other, speaking or even touching.

  We eat in silence and just be.

  Hearing the scraping of her fork a few minutes later, I finally look up and take her in again. Her eyes are still focused on the plate in front of her, but the uplifting of her lips is noticeable.

  Cadence really is having a good time. Doing this was the right thing, despite how the night started.

  “Can I ask you something?” she asks, interrupting my silent watching and putting my focus back not only on her, but to those puckered lips of hers I want to kiss so badly.

  “You can ask me anything.”

  “Why did you want to do this tonight? The real reason.”

  “Who says what I told you when I asked wasn’t the real reason?”

  “Because I know you and there’s always more to it.”

  She’s right. She does know me, better than anyone, so of course she would be able to see right through me.

  “The reason I told you before is true, I wanted to do something for you, but I also did it for me too.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I love you and it’s been sort of a rough go since we got back. You’ve been keeping the way you feel about things from me and that’s partially my fault because I let you. I want to change all of that, ya know? I wanna make sure you know how much I feel for you, how much I care and how much I love you. This was one of the ways I could make that happen.”

  “I know how you feel about me, Dillon.”

  “Do you? Do you know that the only thing keeping me going when I was in Toronto was getting to see you on Skype every day after school and at night before bed? Do you know that a lot of times I couldn’t sleep because I wasn’t doing it with you? Or the way my heart hurt every single time I had to say goodbye to you?”

  She has no idea how I feel about her because I’m such an idiot that I just assumed she’d be able to tell just with my telling her I loved her when we were together. I assumed every single step of the way and just like I can’t know unless she tells me or shows me, she can’t be expected to just know either.

  I’m calling a rewrite. It’s time to get this shit out. Let her know everything, even if it makes me look like a whipped little boy.

  “The last person to ever act like they loved me was my grandmother. When she died, so did love. I told you this before, but you changed all of that. You gave me back what Rebecca and Bruce stole. I don’t just love you for the way you look, the way you make me feel or even because of the way we are together. I love you because you gave me my heart back and then sealed in the hole so nothing else could get to it. Showed me a better way. Cadence, you’re fucking everything to me.”

  Shit. I went too far.

  She’s crying and I know how she feels about the way people are looking at her tonight so this is the last damn thing I want happening.

  Fuck. I need a fil
ter.

  Reaching out across the table, I slip my hand around hers again, but this time the grip I have isn’t gentle. It’s tighter, more secure and if she would just look up right now she’s be able to see the apology waiting for her in my eyes and the one that’s just waiting to fall from my lips, loud enough for only her to hear.

  She does what I want, but what she sees there, she doesn’t allow.

  “I love you isn’t enough is it?”

  “No, it’s not, but it’s gonna have to do until we can come up with something better.”

  “You’re everything to me too.” She whispers as she brushes away the stray tear that falls from her eye. “I didn’t need this tonight in order to know how you felt because when you look at me, I see it. I hear it, and when it’s not there, you always find a way to do what you just did so that I never have to doubt it.”

  “But you have doubted it?”

  She nods, but before I can start again she silences me with a squeeze of her own to my hand.

  “Yes, but not because of anything you did. I doubted it because there’s still so much I need to learn and to be honest, you’re kind of too good to be true.”

  “I’m not that good.”

  “Yes, Dillon you are. I saw it that first day, and every single day after that even when we weren’t hearing each other, you proved it. I didn’t give your heart back, it was there all along. This,” she says, lifting herself slowly from her seat until her hand is resting directly above where my heart beats for her. “This is good. It’s better than good. It’s pure and it’s strong and its right, even when you think it isn’t. I always knew it, I just thought that when you realized it, you wouldn’t need me anymore.”

  “I’m always going to need you. I don’t want to imagine where I’d be if you weren’t sitting in class that day. I need you just as much now as I did then and I always will.”

  “I need you too.”

  Looking from our empty plates to her and back toward the door, I know what’s got to happen now. With the road this conversation has taken, the feelings we’re admitting to, things we should have been saying all along, it’s clear.