Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  “This was a pretty big one.” She bit her lip. “His first day. He said it was total shit, and I couldn’t even be there for him to help him out. I can’t talk to him. I never know what to say. I…”

  She clammed up on me, shrinking away and folding her arms. Cutting her healthy rant short was not the answer. I wish she’d just get it out. My guess was she had no idea how liberating it would be. Fear kept her in chains and I wanted to break her free. The counselor in me was desperate to unearth her demons.

  “I think you need to talk about whatever’s going on in here.” I pointed at her chest.

  She shrunk ever further away from me, her shoulders curving around so far her chest went concave. Her eyebrows dipped into an emphatic V.

  “Excuse me?” she whispered.

  I gave her a kind smile. “I know that looking after Felix is a huge challenge, but it’s only made harder by the fact you’re struggling with…something.” I didn’t have the courage to tell her my child abuse theories. I was supposed to draw that stuff out of her, not put words in her mouth.

  Her eyes flashed with defiance. “I’m fine.”

  “Talking about things can make it better. Sometimes we have to verbalize and relive in order to conquer.”

  A tendon in her neck strained as she looked away from me. Her fingers dug into her arms. “I don’t…” She forced a snicker. “You’re here to help Felix. I’m…fine. I don’t need…” She swallowed and pointed to the hallway. “He’s in his room.”

  I watched her with keen eyes as she tried to avoid me then finally relented with a soft whisper. “Okay. But if you ever need to talk, I’m here. I’ll listen to anything you have to say.”

  She gazed up at me, her dark brown eyes a thing of beauty. They held so much depth and heartache, yet she tried so hard to hide it. She reminded me of a wounded bird attempting to fly, doing her best to keep going in spite of the injuries weighing her down. She wouldn’t give in…wouldn’t stop fighting.

  My lips curved into a soft smile, my heart squeezing with affection.

  Her milky skin bloomed with color and she smoothed a hand down her ponytail, her eyes darting to the floor as she awkwardly cleared her throat.

  Man, I wanted to set her free. If she was that endearing when she was locked up tight, imagine what she’d be like unhindered. I wanted to see that transformation, and I decided right then that I was going to stick around until it happened.

  It’d take time. I’d have to be patient. But one day, I’d see Cassie Grayson the way she was born to be.

  The thought made me smile. Her eyes flicked to mine then back to the floor. She was starting to squirm beneath my gaze, and I cut things short before doing any damage.

  “Well, I better go see…” I pointed down the hallway.

  “Of course.” She kept her eyes on the wooden floor beneath us, her head bobbing quickly.

  I walked to Felix’s room alone, not missing the way she hung back.

  Poor thing. She must have felt so out of her depth. I did the math a few days earlier and worked out that Cassie would have only been ten when Felix was born. The gap between them was that of siblings, yet she had to fill his mother’s shoes.

  It was a tough ask. I understood that burden of responsibility all too well. I practically raised Jimmy, so knocking on Felix’s door didn’t seem that hard to me.

  No one answered, so I knocked again. “Felix? It’s Troy.”

  I heard a thump, then angry steps before the door flew open.

  Felix glared at me, his chest heaving. The headphones around his neck still blasted music, and I could see right through the angry set of his mouth and the thumping beat he was trying to disappear into. His pale brown eyes narrowed, the sorrow within them unmissable.

  I decided to play it with one hundred percent raw honesty. “So…a shitty day, huh?”

  He huffed and shuffled back to his bed, slumping onto it with a defeated sigh. Pulling off his headphones, he dropped them on the floor and raked skinny fingers through his hair.

  “How could you send me to that place? It’s full of rich jerks.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded and walked in. I left the door ajar in case Cassie wanted to listen in. She probably wasn’t even there. She was no doubt in the kitchen cleaning or cooking up a storm. My mom used to do the same thing on a bad day.

  I took a seat on the floor in front of Felix and rested my elbows on my knees. “It’s a good school though.”

  Felix scoffed.

  “I know. I get it. You’re twelve. Like you give a rat’s ass about your education. Jimmy was exactly the same. He was so busy being an angry rebel he barely got his high school diploma.”

  “And look at him now.” Felix flicked his arms wide. “He’s a rock star! So, I don’t need school. I just need a guitar.”

  I grinned. “Jimmy’s been through a lot to get where he is. Shock Wave was a lucky break for those guys. I’m not saying they don’t work hard, but there are no guarantees, and if that hadn’t worked out for Chaos, they’d still be scraping by. You’ve got to have a backup plan for your dreams, Felix, and a good education is going to give you options.”

  His upper lip curled.

  “Hey.” I tapped his knee. “I wish I could tell you that you can forget school and just do whatever you want, but I care about you and I want you to have a good future. So, you have to go back tomorrow…and the day after that…and the day after that. You need to find a way to make it work.”

  “I’m not in the mood for your pep talk,” he grumbled.

  “You’d rather I let you sulk?”

  His head snapped up, his dark glare warning me off. I faced it, not shying away from his anger. “I’m not saying you haven’t been handed some pretty big shit in the last few years. I get it, okay? The fact you have survived it all is proof of what an amazing kid you are. See, that’s my point, Felix. You are amazing. You’re tough, strong, intelligent. You’ve had the worst day. You’re at a school where you feel like you don’t belong. Your aunt forgot to pick you up and you had to find your way home on your own.”

  “It took me an hour! I got totally lost!”

  “But you made it.” I smiled.

  His shoulders slumped. “She forgot about me.”

  “She’s trying, man. You’re not the only one whose life has been turned upside down by this.”

  He clenched his jaw and refused to look at me, even when I ducked my head and tried to catch his eye.

  “Felix, you have everything it takes to deal with this. Your mom wants you to have a good life. It’s why she fought so hard to find Cassie…to make sure you stayed with family.”

  “She’s not family! I don’t even know her!”

  I sighed, hoping Cassie couldn’t hear his shouted words. “She’s your blood, whether you want her to be or not. And she’s giving you a home. She’s feeding you, and she’s trying to figure out the best way to take care of you.”

  “She’s an uptight freak,” Felix growled.

  “Careful,” I warned him. He probably didn’t mean it, but I didn’t want her hearing stuff like that. Her self-esteem was low enough as it was.

  Felix rolled his eyes. I guessed they were burning. They looked shiny with tears. He blinked then rubbed them, denying himself the chance to cry.

  “I know this whole situation sucks, but she’s trying and I know you are too. You’re allowed to have a rant, feel bad, be in a foul mood for a while, but don’t take it out on her, and don’t let those rich kids beat you. You take advantage of every opportunity Strantham can offer. You excel, you win, you make your mama proud. Those entitled kids don’t know shit. You could be the success story everyone talks about, Felix Grayson.” I drew my hands wide like I was picturing his name in lights.

  His lips twitched but didn’t grow into a smile.

  I patted his knee. “It’s up to you.”

  With my pep talk fully exhausted, I stood and headed out the door.

  “Call or text if you need anything,”
I murmured over my shoulder before disappearing down the hallway. I scratched the back of my neck, hoping I’d played it right. I’d intended to just go in and be a listening ear. Hopefully I hadn’t pushed it too far. I wanted to inspire Felix, help him see how much strength he had. The strength of the human spirit continued to astound me, and I didn’t want Felix to fall into the trap of self-pity. He was better than that.

  “How’d it go?” Cassie’s soft question made me glance into the kitchen.

  She was standing over a pot, a wooden spoon in her hand. Red meat sauce dripped off the end as she tapped it against the lip and set it aside. Turning down the stove, she walked over to me while untying her apron.

  She pulled the apron over her head and smoothed her hair back. I wondered what it would look like if she wore it down. Those dark locks tumbling over her shoulders would be gorgeous. Not that she didn’t look pretty with her hair tied back, but free-flowing hair would look…well, like she was setting herself free.

  I leaned against the kitchen doorframe and smiled at her. “He’s had a bad day and just needs time to process that. I tried to be encouraging, but I’m worried I took it too far.”

  Cassie crossed her arms. “I’m sure what you said was totally fine. It’s better than I could do.”

  “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. This is one of life’s really big curveballs. They’re basically impossible to hit out of the park. You just need to take it easy. One day at a time.”

  “I know.” She sighed. “I just…don’t think he likes me very much. I’m totally failing at this.”

  “You’re doing fine. He’s twelve. He’s lost his mom, we’ve shoved him into a new house, new school, new life. That’s a lot of adjustments to deal with. It’s not going to be easy. He has every right to be in a bad mood.”

  She huffed and looked kind of pained. “How am I supposed to help him? He can’t stay in a bad mood for the rest of his life.”

  “He won’t.” I chuckled, reaching forward without thinking. To my surprise, she didn’t shy away when I gave her arm a quick rub. She was too distracted shaking her head and chewing on her bottom lip to even notice my touch.

  I eased back before she did. It felt like a win. She was obviously getting comfortable enough around me to not be hyperaware…or she was just really distracted. I’d take either. She let me touch her arm. It was progress.

  “Listen…” I ran my fingers through my hair and gave her an encouraging smile. “Felix is hurting. His anger at you is nothing personal.”

  “I forgot about him! Of course it’s personal.”

  “And he’ll get over it. You made a mistake.”

  “What if I make another one?”

  “You will.” I shrugged.

  Her eyes bulged and she covered her face with her hands.

  “Hey.” I chuckled, lightly tapping her shoulder.

  She flinched and jolted up to look at me.

  I ignored her reaction. “We’ll all make more mistakes. It’s a guarantee. But we just have to go with it and learn what we can. I’m pretty sure you’re never going to forget to pick him up from anything ever again.” My eyes narrowed and I studied her with a smile. “Am I right?”

  “Most definitely. I’m going to be paranoid about it now. I’ve already set my watch and phone alarms for tomorrow.”

  I grinned.

  “But that still doesn’t solve the problem that I have a boy living with me who doesn’t want to be here. He’s miserable and I don’t know how to help him.”

  “Those things take time, Cassie. But for now, maybe you could find a way to connect to him, find something you have in common so you can talk about it and get excited together. Can you think of anything?”

  “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “He doesn’t seem to like reading or watching movies. All he does is lie on his bed listening to music.”

  “Music, of course.” I snapped my fingers. “That’s your in. We know he likes old-school rock. What else does he listen to?”

  “I-I’m not sure.”

  “Find out.” I smiled down at her. “Whatever it is, learn to like it. And if you need any ideas, let me know. I love music.”

  “I remember.” She flashed me a brief smile. “Bon Jovi, right?”

  I laughed and pointed at her. “What can I say, the guy’s a legend…and Felix liked it too.”

  “I know.” She looked mystified as she nodded.

  Gazing down at her expression, I couldn’t help that tug of affection again. “He’s something special, Cassie.”

  “I know,” she whispered, missing the fact I was actually talking about her and that I only said Cassie because I wanted to feel her name on my lips again.

  As much as I could have stood there and asked her out on the spot, it wasn’t the right time. I didn’t know a whole lot about Cassie Grayson, but from everything I’d observed, I guessed she was a solitary girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d never dated, never had a boyfriend…or maybe even a best friend.

  Something kept her closed off from intimacy, which was probably why having Felix around was so damn hard. But maybe it was exactly what she needed. That…and me.

  Because I wanted to be the guy who opened her up to the possibility of something more in her life. I wanted to see her bloom and figure out that letting people into her controlled little world didn’t need to be so bad after all.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Cassie

  Troy was right. Well, about Felix anyway. I’d ignore his comments about opening up in order to set myself free.

  Reliving my past? Get real. I was never opening that box…and as if I’d let Troy in on that truth. People didn’t take well to hearing about painful, abhorrent things like child abuse. I refused to see his face morph with sympathy or repulsion or whatever feelings he’d process as I laid it all bare.

  I closed my eyes and shuddered.

  Anyway, this whole thing wasn’t even about me.

  It was about Felix.

  He was something special, and I needed to stop freaking out about failing him and start figuring out how to make him happy. Since Crystal left me, I hadn’t had to think about anything other than my own survival.

  After twelve years, it was going to be a hard habit to break.

  Turning off the stove, I left the meat sauce and headed to Felix’s room. The door was ajar, and I pushed it open after a soft knock. He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his legs crossed at the ankles…just the way I’d found him before.

  His foot tapped in time with whatever beat he was listening to, his headphones so good he didn’t even hear me sneak in.

  I approached the bed. He flinched when he spotted me, and then his eyebrows dipped. “What do you want?”

  His voice was extra loud because of the music in his ears, but I forced a smile, pretending like he hadn’t just shouted at me.

  “I was wondering if I could look through your CD collection.”

  He pulled the headphones away from his ear. “What?”

  “Can I look at your CDs?” I pointed to the massive box on the floor.

  His face wrinkled with confusion, but he nodded anyway.

  “Thank you.” Tucking my skirt beneath my legs, I knelt down and started flicking through the CDs. I didn’t know what I was doing really. Looking for a connection, I guess.

  The hard plastic cases clicked against each other as I flipped through the titles. Def Leppard, Queen, Twisted Sister, Bon Jovi, Poison, Extreme. There were so many albums, so many artists…so many memories.

  Crystal had always loved music. It was her salvation in some ways. When we were kids, Mom always had music blasting in the house. She’d be in the kitchen, singing and chopping vegetables. Crystal would dance around the table, placing knives and forks down with flair. I’d be singing quietly.

  I stopped flicking, the memory freezing me for a moment.

  I used to sing.

  All the time.

  The memory suddenly made me real
ize how quiet my life had been since Mom died. When the police showed up at school to tell us Mom wouldn’t be coming to get us…ever again, my insides became an arid desert. Music couldn’t exist in a place like that. It hurt too much. I hadn’t been able to squeak out a note, and then foster care happened and any hope of bringing it back to life was snuffed out by evil.

  “Find anything you like?” Felix’s loud question jolted me back to the present.

  I glanced up at him, hiding the wretched memories behind a smile. I tried to wash them away with the image of my mother in the kitchen, holding the wooden spoon to her lips and pretending it was a microphone.

  I softly snickered. “You know, your mom…and your grandmother…used to adore music. The house was never quiet.” My voice petered out as yet another memory hit me.

  Mom sitting on the couch while Crystal and I put on a show for her. She clapped and cheered like we were world-famous rock stars, then hopped on stage—the coffee table—and started dancing with us. My bright purple boa swung in the air while I danced, jumping onto the couch, stretching my arms wide and singing with abandon.

  Felix swung his legs over the bed and pulled out the headphone jack.

  “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette filled the room. I knew it but I couldn’t remember how.

  “Alanis was Mom’s favorite,” Felix murmured.

  That’s how. She used to play Jagged Little Pill all the time. I snatched the CD case off the player and looked at the cover.

  “I remember.” A smile pulled at my lips. Crystal had known every single word on that album. It’d belonged to Mom. I opened the case and looked inside for my mother’s name, but it wasn’t there.

  Running my finger over the blank plastic, I frowned and glanced at Felix.

  His eyebrows rose, obviously confused by my silent wondering.

  “Is this, uh…” My question trailed away as I suddenly remembered what had happened to Mom’s copy. Hard plastic shattered in pieces, the shiny disc snapped in half while Crystal knelt on the floor crying.