Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

“I told you to keep it down!” Davis yelled.

  The door slammed shut. I counted to twenty before scrambling off my bed to comfort her. I rubbed her back, unable to say anything as she collected the shards of Mom’s precious disc.

  He came back that night to apologize and the next day bought her a new CD of some current chart topper. She listened to it once to appease him, but then never touched the CD again.

  I stared at Felix, wondering how he could possibly be related to that man. Crystal had to be right. The father had to be that random guy from the party.

  “Aunt Cassie?” Felix looked so worried. He couldn’t be Davis’s son. He just couldn’t be.

  I screamed at myself to smile, hide the memory before he saw it. I didn’t want that blackness touching him. Blinking, I placed the CD down and managed a closed-mouth grin.

  “Where’d you get this massive collection from?”

  He stared at the box, a soft smile lifting his face. “Art.”

  “Who?”

  “He was the guy who looked after us. Mom met him when she was pregnant with me. He took her to the hospital when I was born and paid all our bills and stuff.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Was he her boyfriend?”

  Felix laughed and shook his head. “He was like eighty.”

  “Oh.” I snickered and returned to flicking through discs, finding the amount of close-range eye contact a little too intense. “Did you live with him?”

  “Kind of. He was a caretaker at this massive church, and he arranged for us to move into this little apartment house thing next door. The church let us stay there until Art died.”

  I’d actually read a little about Arthur. Troy let me look over Felix’s file, but it was nice to hear it from Felix himself. He looked kind of sad before pulling in a breath. “But he left us everything he had. He didn’t have any kids or anything, and his wife had died before he even met Mom. So we were able to find a little apartment to rent, and I got his CD collection.” He ran his hands lovingly over the discs.

  “It’s a nice memory of him.”

  “Not just him,” he murmured.

  I felt like my heart was going to break. Remembering my mom unearthed all that raw pain I’d buried deep, trying to forget how debilitating losing her had been. But I’d had Crystal.

  Felix had no one.

  Except me.

  I swallowed, desperate to put a little sparkle into the conversation. Crystal would have found a way to make Felix laugh or smile.

  Chewing my lip, I continued snapping the CDs against each other until I spotted a single that made me laugh out loud. “No way.” I pulled it free, staring at the cheesy shot of Hall and Oates. “My mom loved this song.”

  Felix smiled and took it off me, carefully opening it and swapping out the Alanis CD. A few seconds later the familiar synthesized music started pumping.

  Felix tapped his foot to the beat, and I sang, “What I want…”

  Memories flooded me as “You Make My Dreams” filled Felix’s little bedroom and took me back to a kitchen in Bakersfield. Mom sang into the wooden spoon, Crystal did twirls, and I stood on the chair, singing at the top of my lungs.

  My voice rose like I was a kid again, until I became aware of Felix’s gaze. I bit my lips together and dipped my head, my skin on fire.

  But then something cool happened.

  Felix started singing. He knew all the words.

  I gaped up at him and he just laughed. “Mom used to make me listen to this song all the time!”

  He turned up the volume to ear-splitting and started singing with such gusto his voice broke.

  Laughter popped out of me. My body shook with it.

  It felt so foreign yet familiar.

  Felix tipped his head back, pretending to play guitar, and when the words kicked back in, I started singing along with him, even doing a little dance during the “Oos.”

  The moment was sweet, pure, and the start of a connection. We spent the rest of the evening going through Felix’s collection. He played me all his favorite songs, everything from “Superstitious” by Europe to “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses.

  The kid really was special, just like his mother…born into an era that didn’t fit him.

  My heart swelled with affection as I soaked in his passion for music. He looked so like Crystal when he spoke—his gestures, expressions…I even saw a little of my mom in there.

  His beauty brought all my sweet memories to the forefront of my brain and chased away the darkness. It made me believe for a few precious moments that maybe we could do this. Maybe Felix and I were going to make it.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Felix

  “Superstitious” blasted in the car as we drove to school. I’d always loved Europe. It was Art’s favorite. “Final Countdown” and “Cherokee” were his top two. We’d rock out to those every time he came over for dinner. Twice a week until the day he died. The thought made me sad, so I leaned forward and turned up the volume a little higher…to honor him.

  Aunt Cassie glanced at the volume dial but didn’t say anything. The car was practically vibrating but it felt good. I loved that feeling of music swamping me, buzzing out every one of my senses until it was the only thing I could focus on.

  We stopped for a red light and Aunt Cassie’s finger tapped on the wheel. It was in time with the music. I bet she didn’t even know she was doing it.

  I grinned. She was actually kind of cool. Watching her sing last night had been pretty funny. It reminded me of Mom. I liked that.

  Just before she left my room the night before—while we were listening to “Smells Like Teen Spirit”—I told her my dream of becoming a guitarist in a rock band. She smiled at me like she thought I was cool. I figured if she liked music too, then maybe there was a chance I could survive living with her.

  The light turned green. The second we started moving, Aunt Cassie’s knuckles turned white, gripping the steering wheel like we’d crash if she didn’t. As much as she chilled out with the music, she was still totally uptight. I didn’t get it. If driving made her so damn nervous, why’d she do it?

  I kept the thought to myself and tried to mentally prep myself for school.

  Anything had to be better than the suck-fest the day before. Eating lunch in the corner of the cafeteria with blabbermouth Butler was painful. The guy liked to play chess. That was his favorite thing to do and the only thing he talked about…all frickin’ day. Strategy, what each piece meant. Whatever, dude. It was a total mind-kill. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough when the final bell rang. Probably one of the reasons I was so pissed off with Aunt Cass for forgetting about me.

  But she redeemed herself with the whole music thing, and I forgave her without really saying it.

  The car jerked as she braked outside the school. She turned the music down and faced me. “I won’t forget you today. I promise.”

  I shrugged. “It’s cool. I know my way home now. You don’t have to pick me up.”

  Reaching out, she hesitantly patted my arm. I missed Mom’s hugs. She’d hold on so tight.

  “I want to.” Aunt Cassie swallowed. “I like picking you up.”

  I was so tempted to say, “How would you know?” but I figured she’d take the snark personally when I’d only meant it as a joke.

  She really did need to loosen up.

  “Catch you after school, then.”

  “Okay.” Her lips rose into a smile. It was kind of pretty and reminded me of Mom, so I smiled back before getting out of her bomb and trudging into school.

  I saw the messy blonde standing near the stairs. She was studying me again, no doubt mocking the beat-up car I’d gotten out of. I frowned and glanced away, noticing the pretty blonde coming into school behind me.

  She walked like she was in high school, books perched on her hip and a mysterious smile on her lips.

  “Hey, Ginny.” I raised my eyebrows at her, trying to be cool.

  “Hi.” She smiled, bu
t it was polite and insincere.

  I wanted to step in time with her, try to be cool and charming…flirt like a rock star, but she reached the stairs and screams came from the doors as her two girlfriends ran down to greet her. They hugged like they hadn’t seen each other the day before.

  Messy Blonde—I couldn’t remember her name—rolled her eyes, her upper lip curling as she grabbed her bag and walked past them. I paused to watch the three gigglers. With their short skirts and perfect hair, it wasn’t a bad view.

  A hard slap caught me on the back of the head and I lurched forward.

  “What the hell are you staring at?” Mr. Evil Eyes from my homeroom pushed me again, but I caught myself before hitting the ground. “Are you checking out my girlfriend?”

  I backed away, not saying a word. The asshole wasn’t worth that much effort.

  Spinning away, I walked into school, averting my eyes as I passed Ginny. She smelled like strawberries. My favorite fruit.

  “Hey!” Dickhead shouted behind me. “I’m talking to you.”

  I kept walking. Because that was the sensible thing to do.

  “You just gonna walk away like a pathetic loser?”

  Anger fired up my spine, tensing every muscle along the way.

  I could pound his pretentious ass into the dirt.

  But I wouldn’t.

  I couldn’t get expelled from another school. I wouldn’t let them beat me that easily. Who gave a rat’s ass what they thought.

  “Come back here, you chickenshit!”

  I clenched my fists and started counting.

  One…calm the hell down, Felix. Two…don’t let them win…

  “Oh, I get it,” Evil Eyes snickered. “Your poor candy’s not good enough. Had to fight your way into our school just so you could see a pretty girl once in a while.” Rapid footsteps caught up to me, then rough hands grabbed my sweater and spun me around. “It doesn’t work like that here. You don’t belong in this school. The only chicks you’re worthy of checking out belong on the street.”

  I tried to wrestle him off me, but he wouldn’t let up. So I fought a little harder, shoving his shoulder. “Get off me.”

  I didn’t want to use fists, but if he didn’t let go, I wouldn’t hold back.

  He fought me with a sneering laugh, holding onto my hoodie and giving it a hard yank.

  The sound of tearing fabric jerked me still.

  “Whoops!” His voice was so mocking. “I guess that comes from buying cheap shit. Like my mom always says, you get what you pay for.”

  I stared down at the gaping hole in the sweater Mom gave me for Christmas…

  And then I just lost it.

  My fist cannonballed into the side of his face. He hit the floor and I jumped on him, plowing my knuckles into his cheek until blood spurted from his mouth.

  I wanted to kill him.

  That asshole just ruined the last gift my mother ever gave me. He deserved to bleed, to cry like the sniveling wimp he was.

  “That’s enough!” Fuzzy shouting came from down the hallway, but I couldn’t register it until strong hands pulled me away.

  Evil Eyes wasn’t so evil anymore. He rolled over, whimpering like a baby and holding a hand over his mouth.

  A crowd had gathered around us, shocked whispers working through the students as I was marched to the principal’s office by a gruff-looking teacher. I didn’t know his name, but I guessed I wouldn’t get a chance to learn it.

  I shook him off me and followed him to what would no doubt be an immediate expulsion. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to stay at this school with a bunch of stupid assholes anyway.

  “Sit.” The man pointed at a seat in reception.

  I slumped onto the padded chairs and fingered the torn sleeve of my sweater, trying to lift it back into place and pretend that Mom’s gift was still whole.

  Muffled voices came from the office, and then the sniveling asshole was ushered past reception and into the nurse’s room. Mrs. Tindal’s arm was around his shoulders, and she was murmuring something to calm him down.

  She glanced over his head and caught my eye, giving me a stern glare. I turned away from it. Great, just what I needed, another adult who hated me and thought I was a no-good troublemaker. A poor orphan with anger issues.

  They didn’t know shit!

  Thumping the couch, I shot to my feet and headed for the door.

  The receptionist was too busy on the phone to notice me slip outside. As soon as my feet hit the concrete steps, I started to run.

  Screw this stupid school.

  Screw everybody!

  The only person who ever understood me was gone.

  She was gone!

  I wanted her back. I wanted her to tell me that I was okay. That she loved my fight…that I was a lucky one. But I would never hear her voice again.

  Tears burned my eyes as I sprinted out of school. I had no idea where I was gonna go. I just needed to get away.

  Chapter Twenty

  Troy

  It was a quiet Tuesday afternoon at Reynold’s. The lunch rush was over and the kitchen staff were no doubt prepping for dinner. I sat on one of the bar stools, catching the drips off my bottle of beer and waiting for Cole.

  “Sorry about that.” My high school buddy appeared at the end of the bar, pushing up his sleeves as he walked toward me. He leaned his arms against the wood and grinned. “I just had to check on Ella.”

  “She okay?” I took a swig of beer. It was on the house. I always got my first one free.

  I loved that Cole moved out from Chicago. When I’d said goodbye to him after high school, I expected to see him maybe once every couple of years. But now it was about once a month.

  Cole winced and squeezed the back of his neck. “She’s been a little off color.”

  My eyes narrowed as I slowly placed the bottle down. My gut was already twisting in a tight knot. Not Ella. She was the sweetest girl in the world and everything to Cole. He couldn’t lose her.

  I swallowed, struggling to find my voice. “How sick is she?”

  His shoulder hitched. “Can’t really work right now. Exhausted all the time. Constantly throwing up.”

  “What’s wrong with her?” My voice pitched, worst-case scenarios hitting me on all sides.

  “She’s pregnant.” Cole’s worried frown morphed into a sheepish grin. “With twins.”

  “Pregnant?” I had to repeat the word in order to absorb it. “Twins?”

  “Uh-huh.” Cole’s laughter was breathy, as if he was still trying to believe it himself.

  “Well, how far along is she?”

  “About ten weeks. It’s still early days, but the doctor says morning sickness isn’t uncommon.” His face bunched in agony. “I don’t know why the hell they call it morning sickness. She’s sick all the time. Poor thing’s so little already. It’s killing me watching her. Doc says it should be over in a few weeks. I hope it’s sooner.” He blew out a breath.

  My smile grew wide as I studied his expression. “She’s got your babies growing in her belly.”

  Cole gazed into the bar, staring at nothing while he shook his head in wonder. “Yeah, she does.”

  “Can’t believe you’re gonna be a dad.”

  “Neither can I.” Cole’s eyes bulged. Turning for the fridge, he grabbed out a bottle of beer and uncapped it. He raised it to his mouth to take a sip, then paused and shook his head again, a half-smile creeping over his lips. “Some days it feels so huge, and other days I can’t wait.”

  “It’s a life-changer, man. But you’re gonna be awesome.”

  Cole took a swig of beer then leaned across the bar again. “I hope so.” We clinked bottlenecks and both took another swig. Rubbing his thumb over the condensation, Cole stared at the label before glancing up at me. “You know, you’d make a great dad one day too.”

  “What are you talking about? I already am a dad.” I rolled my eyes, thinking about Jimmy and all the times I’d had to step in and play dad when my d
eadbeat father didn’t show up.

  “He’s lucky to have you.”

  I shrugged. “He doesn’t need me anymore. Look at him. Famous rock star, gorgeous girlfriend, impulses pretty much under control.”

  We both chuckled.

  “So, maybe it’s time to start having your own kids, then.” Cole wiggled his eyebrows.

  “Yeah, well, last I heard, you need a girl for that.” I gazed at my bottle, thinking of Cassie and wondering how she’d ever be a mother when she didn’t even like being touched.

  My mind wandered over her pretty body, imagining what lay beneath her high-buttoned shirts and pastel-colored skirts. Would she ever relax enough for me to find out?

  Geez, even the idea of holding her hand would be enough, or giving her a hug. I wanted to hold her, rest her head against my chest and tell her she was safe, that she was doing a great job with Felix…that she had everything it took to love him.

  I wanted her to—

  “Wait a second…” Cole pulled me away from Cassie. “Have you met someone?”

  “What?” I glanced into his narrow-eyed gaze. “No!”

  His eyes narrowed even further. Was I seriously that transparent? God help me.

  I winced. “Okay. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.” I raised my hands. “I shouldn’t. She’s going through a tough time. I really can’t get involved like that, and I don’t understand why I’m thinking about her all the time. I just… I want to help. I want to…see them make it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I sighed and scrubbed a hand down my face. “Her nephew is one of my cases. It’d be inappropriate for me to hook up with his struggling aunt. And besides, she’s seriously not ready. There’s stuff she needs to…”

  Cole crossed his arms and gave me one of his classic half-smiles. “So those are your excuses this time, huh?”

  I frowned. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “Well, it’s not like you’ll get fired for getting involved with her, will you?”

  “No. I don’t think so, but it would complicate everything.”

  Cole let out a disgusted scoff. “That excuse is such BS. Life is complicated. I don’t care who you are. You can’t let that stop you from following your heart.”