Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  I opened my mouth to argue back. I wanted to cut him off before he launched into his spiel about how he would have lost Ella if he’d let life’s complications get in the way.

  But the phone saved my ass.

  I ripped it out of my pocket, not even checking the number before answering. “Hello.”

  “Troy, it’s Cassie,” she squeaked, then pulled in a shaky breath.

  Oh no. The last time she’d called me like this, Felix was getting expelled.

  I jumped off my stool, hoping my dread was misplaced. “Is everything okay?”

  “It’s Felix. The school just called me. Apparently he beat some kid up then took off. I raced home to check the house but he’s not here. What do I do? How do I find him?”

  “It’s okay,” I soothed her. “I’ll be right over. We’ll look for him together.”

  She let out a whimper. “I can’t lose him, Troy. I’ve got to keep him safe.”

  “We’ll find him.” I said it with as much conviction as I could, ignoring the knots in my stomach as I said goodbye and slipped the phone back in my pocket.

  “Is everything okay?” Cole’s voice was deep with concern.

  “Yeah.” I rubbed my forehead. “Missing kid. I need to go.”

  “Do you want me to do anything?”

  “No.” I headed for the door. “I’ll call if I need you. Thanks for the beer.”

  “Anytime.” Cole’s voice followed me out the door. I ran away from it, hauling ass to my car and speeding to Cassie’s house. I nearly lost one of my kids last year and spent half the night looking for her. It was the worst feeling in the world, and I dreaded having to go through it with Felix.

  My lips started muttering prayers before I even pulled away from Reynold’s.

  Felix was old enough and smart enough to disappear. I couldn’t let that happen, not just for his sake…but for Cassie’s too.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Cassie

  Troy turned up faster than I thought he would. Thank God, because I was going out of my mind. Nightmare scenarios of Felix hurt or wounded on the roadside spun out of control into kidnapping, torture, rape. I was near crippled by my imagination.

  Tears blurred my vision as Troy and I drove the streets looking for my nephew.

  My nephew.

  My promise to Crystal.

  I had to find him. I had to keep him safe, protect him. This was my chance to do the right thing. I should have fought harder for Crystal. Maybe if I had, she wouldn’t have left me.

  I wasn’t going to let Felix down. I didn’t care what it took. I would find him and bring him home…prove to him that I was the best option.

  Rubbing the tears out of my eyes, I sniffed and looked through the glass, scouring the roads for any signs of him. We’d covered each street within a four-block radius of my house, then driven toward the school. I’d been on and off the phone with Jane Tindal, Felix’s homeroom teacher. She’d asked her husband, Harry, to join in the search, and even the principal had left the premises to look for Felix.

  He’d informed the police, and I was freaking out that Felix would be taken off my hands and put into foster care. What kind of aunt drives her nephew to run away?

  Wringing my hands, I forced myself to breathe as Troy accelerated up the hill. We were reaching the outer limits of Pasadena, and I started to worry that Felix may have jumped on a bus. We’d have no chance of finding him at all if that was the case. He could be anywhere.

  The police would have to get involved, which meant questions, interviews, hours of saying the same thing over and over again. My body went rigid as memories of my twelve-year-old self shaking in front of two towering police officers tried to disable me.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, my lips fighting to hold back my whimpers. I couldn’t let them out. Not in front of Troy. Felix needed me to stay strong, focused…together.

  Snapping my eyes open, I drew in a breath, looked out the window, and shouted, “Stop!”

  Troy slammed on the brakes.

  “Look.” I tapped the window, my heart hammering as I spied the figure in the distance.

  It was definitely a kid, but I didn’t know for sure if it was Felix until Troy turned down the road and we caught up to a black sweater with a white guitar on the back and a ripped sleeve.

  My heart cracked at that one little tear. Crystal had given him that hoodie. He’d worn it every day since receiving it. I knew exactly how precious it was to him, and someone or something had tried to destroy it.

  I was too relieved to see Felix alive and well to spare any emotion on anger. All that mattered in that moment was getting Felix to come home.

  He glanced over his shoulder as we drew near, then jerked back to face the front and started walking faster. Troy slowed to a stop, and I jumped out of the passenger door.

  “Felix! Stop, please.”

  He didn’t. “Leave me alone!”

  “I’m not going to do that.” I started walking after him, but he just picked up his pace. I didn’t want to scare him off, so I forced myself to stand still and keep talking. “Felix, please.”

  “I just want to go home!” He spun around, his voice savage and raw.

  I swallowed and patted my chest. “I’m your home now.”

  “No, you’re not!” He pointed at me. “You’re not my mom!”

  It was really hard to find a comeback. I wasn’t his mother. I never would be. I’d never be enough.

  I nearly turned back and asked Troy to step in, but when I glanced over my shoulder he smiled at me and mouthed, “You’re doing great.” Flicking his chin in Felix’s direction, he whispered, “Keep going.”

  I spun back. Felix was even farther away but his pace had slowed. I raised my voice and called out to him. “Look, I know, okay! I’m not your mom. She was amazing and cool and the perfect person to raise you. And I’m sorry she’s gone! I wish she was still here because she’d know exactly what to say and do…and I don’t!” I flicked my hands in the air, tears getting the better of me. I pushed through them, my voice wobbling. “But I do know that she loved you and she wanted to keep you safe, so she asked me to take care of you and that’s what I’m going to do.”

  “I don’t need you to take care of me!”

  “But I want to.”

  He jerked to a stop, his hands balling into fists. “No, you don’t!”

  “Yes, I do!”

  Looking over his shoulder with a skeptical frown, he shook his head and kept walking.

  “Okay, fine! Maybe I didn’t at first. My life was set and I didn’t want you disrupting it, but the idea of you leaving is killing me. I don’t know how it’s happened, but you’ve grown on me. You have this magic power, just like your mom. You’ve won me over, and I want you to stay. I can’t imagine my house without you now.” Tears were running freely down my cheeks. I hated crying in front of people. It always felt like I’d lost, but I couldn’t worry about my tears. All I could think about was getting Felix into Troy’s car and safely home.

  Felix was still shaking his head, still walking away. My stomach pitched with desperation as I scoured my brain for the right thing to say. I couldn’t think of anything so I just started walking, following him.

  “Get lost!” His voice broke when he shouted over his shoulder.

  “I’m not going to do that. If you need to walk, then that’s fine, but I’m following you.”

  He huffed, hunching his shoulders and continuing to shuffle forward.

  After a few more paces, he let out a loud cry and spun around. “Seriously! Stop!”

  “I can’t! Felix, I’m not letting you walk away.”

  He stood there puffing at me, his nostrils flaring.

  I didn’t know what else to say.

  So out of nowhere, I started singing, “Keep on walking that road and I’ll follow…”

  I don’t know why I did it. It just popped out. We’d been listening to “Superstitious” in the car, and it felt like the perfect song for t
he moment.

  Felix went still and blinked at me like I was crazy.

  I didn’t care.

  He’d stopped walking and I took advantage. Licking my lips, I sang the next line. My voice petered off on the “Yeah…” Felix’s chest was heaving, but he still hadn’t moved away.

  So I sang the next line. When I hit the words “know that you care,” he let out a sob and started running straight for me.

  My instinct was to move out of the way, but I held my breath and planted my feet. He was two steps away from me when he dropped his bag on the road and wrapped his arms around my waist. Pressing his forehead into my neck, he held on tight and sobbed the tears he should have let out weeks ago.

  I didn’t know what to do at first. I wasn’t great with people touching me, but it only took a moment for my arms to wrap around his body. I clung tight the way I used to when Crystal was having a bad day. She’d tremble in my arms, and I’d pour every ounce of love I had into the hug. Closing my eyes, I rested my cheek against Felix’s head and did the same thing.

  It was easier than I thought it would be.

  I’d closed off that part of myself a long time ago and always figured it’d be too painful to open it again, but cracks were forming in my resolve and a twelve-year-old kid with the heart of a lion was chipping away at my protective coating.

  As terrifying as that was, a small part of me knew it was about time.

  My life had changed forever, and for the first time since Crystal laid it on me, I felt ready.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Felix

  I sat in the back of Troy’s car, swiping tears off my face and feeling like an idiot. I’d cried so hard I thought I was going to throw up. My head ached with this dull thud that I couldn’t squeeze out of my brain.

  I sniffed and tried to act like nothing had happened, but the truth was…I’d probably needed to cry. I hadn’t let one drop fall since Mom died, and it felt kind of good to get it out. I was just glad only Troy and Aunt Cassie were around to see it.

  Running my fingers through my hair, I made a fist then sighed, leaning my head against the window and trying not to think so hard.

  Aunt Cassie was on the phone to the school, letting them know I’d been found and would be off for the rest of the day and also the next. I looked at her in surprise, but she gave me a soft smile and winked. As soon as she hung up, she murmured, “I figured we could use a day. Is that cool?”

  “It’s cool,” I mumbled.

  Troy hadn’t said much as we drove home. He kept looking at me in the rearview mirror though. I ignored him but could feel his gaze on me.

  As soon as we pulled into the driveway, I jumped out of the car and headed for the house. I could hear quiet conversation behind me.

  “Call if you need anything.”

  “Thank you so much for…” I glanced back in time to see Aunt Cassie shake her head. She did that when she ran out of words.

  “Anytime.” Troy smiled at her. His eyes kind of glowed, like he was trying to tell her more without saying anything.

  I turned away with a slight frown. Mom never dated. The only guy she let into our lives was Art, and he was like a grandfather to both of us. I wasn’t used to some guy smiling at the person who was supposed to take care of me.

  Troy was pretty cool, so it wasn’t all bad…just unusual.

  I asked Mom once about my dad. She told me my father had given her enough love to last her a lifetime, but they couldn’t stay together. Apparently it was a magical one-night stand. She told me the story on my eleventh birthday, painted this perfect picture of soulmates who were destined to only touch for a brief moment. I was her reminder of that special night. A precious gift.

  It was sweet and everything, but she wouldn’t look at me the whole time she told the story, and I couldn’t help wondering if it was complete bullshit.

  I didn’t care. I didn’t need a dad. Mom had always been enough. And now Aunt Cassie would fill that space.

  I couldn’t believe she sang to me. One of my favorite songs and she’d belted it out. It was unlike her, and it gave me enough hope to stop walking. Her voice had been soft and desperate. I could tell how bad she meant it and it… Something inside me snapped and I couldn’t keep walking. I just wanted a hug.

  Rubbing my forehead, I shuffled to my room, flicking on the stereo and cranking it up as Aunt Cassie arrived at the door.

  “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum came on. We both froze and looked at the stereo.

  “Your mom used to listen to this song all the time.” Aunt Cassie’s face crumpled. “I used to worry that she’d…leave me.” Her eyes swam with tears, her little voice showing me how devastating that must have been for her.

  My throat restricted, making it hurt to swallow. “Why’d she do it?” I croaked.

  Aunt Cassie’s lips pursed, but then she pinched her nose and sniffed, cutting off the tears before they could fall. Tucking a loose lock of hair back into her ponytail, she looked at me and forced a smile. “She loved you. She wanted to protect you.”

  “From who?”

  Aunt Cassie’s jaw worked to the side. “Our foster parents. They were kind of mean, and if they’d found out she was pregnant…” She shook her head.

  “Would I exist if they had?”

  “Probably not,” she whispered.

  “Wow.” My eyebrows popped up. “No wonder she always made up stories.”

  Aunt Cassie’s head tipped to the side. “What do you mean?”

  “Whenever I asked about her past, she’d always smile and then make up these magical stories. I used to believe them until I started noticing holes. Sometimes the retellings would be different or I’d ask a question that obviously got too close to the truth and she’d clam up, put on some happy music and start dancing.”

  “She could always bring the sun into any situation.”

  I frowned and shook my head. “Yeah, but she liked to run. Not the way you run for exercise, but from the truth. She admitted once that she was a runner. You know that fight-or-flight thing?”

  Aunt Cassie nodded.

  “Yeah, well, she said she’d always fly and you’d stand to fight.”

  My aunt went still, her eyes glassing with tears as she stared at me. Part of me wanted to know what she was thinking, but I was too afraid to ask. For someone who was so in control, she looked like she was about to lose it, dissolve into a shower of tears.

  I quickly kept talking. “She wanted me to be like you.” I smiled, hoping to pull Aunt Cassie away from whatever darkness haunted her. “So, I’m really sorry I ran.”

  Aunt Cassie covered her face with her hands, then brushed them over her head and looked at me. Her eyes still glistened but she was smiling. “You fought first.” She reached out her hand. Her fingers were trembling but I took them. She gripped my hand and whispered, “And then you came running back. You’re a fighter, Felix Grayson, and your mom would be so proud of you. Just like I am.”

  Aw, man. She was gonna make me cry again.

  Thank God the music changed. “Animal” by Def Leppard pumped out of the stereo and I jumped up, cranking the volume and playing air guitar. I mouthed the lyrics, putting on a show for Aunt Cassie until she laughed.

  The sound spurred me on and I went for it, killing the shit from my day and making it better with a little rock ’n’ roll.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Cassie

  I sat on the floor watching Felix jump around the room. His air guitar was amazing. He banged his head, getting into the song and looking like the rock star he so desperately wanted to be. The cracks forming in my shell broke apart a little further.

  And an idea grew in my brain.

  It was only something small that quickly bloomed into an I must do this. I didn’t know how I was going to pull it off, but I somehow had to find a way to give my nephew everything he deserved.

  *****

  The next day as I was prepping for my run, Felix walked into the kitch
en and asked if we could go to the beach.

  “Um…” I paused, unable to think of a good excuse not to go. “Sure. As soon as I get back we can—”

  “Why don’t you run at the beach?” He shrugged. “I’ll sit in the sand, checking out the hotties while you do your running thing.”

  “Checking out the hotties?” I raised my eyebrows.

  Felix blushed and scratched the back of his neck. “Come on, Aunt Cass, please.”

  Aunt Cass. He’d shortened my name, and I suddenly couldn’t refuse him. “All right.” I nodded. “Go grab your stuff and a couple of towels from the hall closet. The stripy ones. I’ll meet you in the car.”

  He nodded like an eager puppy and ran off.

  I stayed in the kitchen, chewing my lip and wondering what the hell I was in for.

  “The hotties,” I muttered and shook my head.

  *****

  The sky was blue. The sun was warm on my skin. For a mid-January day, it was hot and beautiful. Felix flicked out his towel and took a seat, adjusting his shades and already scanning the beach. Sad for him, but there weren’t any hotties on display.

  A couple of surfers bobbed on the waves in front of us, and there was an older woman walking her dog. I tried to hide my smile, but relief was making it hard. Felix may have been twelve going on thirteen, but I didn’t want him checking out girls already. It felt too young. Too soon.

  But what the hell did I know. Until six weeks earlier, I didn’t know I’d be playing mom to a kid hitting puberty.

  The P word scared the crap out of me. I was too young for this!

  Clearing my throat, I shook out my arms and got ready to run. “Okay, so I’ll be about an hour.”

  “I don’t know how you do it.” Felix shook his head.

  I shrugged, jumping on my tiptoes. “I’ve been doing it since I was thirteen. I was told that running was a good way to…” I shook my head. “Anyway, I kind of got addicted.”