Not Broken-The Happily Ever After

by Meka James

  Chapter 30

  Calida

  I sat across from Dr. Carr, staring at the ring on my finger. My thumb ran over the rough texture of the symbol, and my knee bounced uncontrollably. My head throbbed. My mind gave me no peace last night, I couldn’t shut it off, so I spent the entire time tossing and turning. Over and over it went between things with Seth and my fights with Malcolm; it was as if they were merging into one. One force out to take my sanity, to cut that final string that held me together.

  “Calida?”

  I looked up. Dr. Carr wore a puzzled expression. She’d probably asked me something. When was she not asking me things?

  “Sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “What’s on your mind? You seem particularly distracted today.”

  I nodded. Everything was so off balance now, and I was at a loss on how to again find my center. I’d been doing all I could to keep my head above water, but now I was drowning. I was drowning, and there was no one to save me.

  I wiped away a stray tear that rolled down my cheek. “Everything is falling apart,” I whispered.

  “What is?”

  “Everything. I’ve done exactly what I was trying to avoid, caused a rift with Mal and Macy, everything is a fucking mess.”

  “What happened?”

  I shook my head. How could so much happen, but at the same time nothing? My world, the safety net I’d been trying to build had crumbled, and it was all my own doing. Pandora’s box was open.

  “Calida, talk to me. It’s why you’re here. Holding it in is toxic. Something has triggered your panic attacks again. You’ve seemed more withdrawn. This is a safe place. You don’t have to internalize things.”

  I looked down at my hands, and twirled the ring around my finger. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I’d held it in for so long. I would spend my nights curled up, alone and crying until I didn’t think I had tears left. Always alone, so that in the day I could be strong. So I could show them what they wanted. But it was getting harder.

  “I...I can't live up to the expectations anymore. I never could.” My voice was scratchy as I fought to hold it together.

  “What expectations?”

  My knee bounced faster. My stomach churned. I let out a slow breath. “They wanted me to be better, so I was better. Only I wasn’t. I’m not. I won’t ever be better. He’s in my head. Even in death I’m not free of him. I’m scared of my son. How fucked up is that? The older he gets, the more he looks like his father, and I’m scared. The eyes. Why did he have to have those eyes? And I wonder. I worry. What will I tell him about who his father was when he asks me? Will he act like him? Is what was wrong with Seth genetic? I shouldn’t be scared of my baby. He’s not at fault, but at times I am. Every day he’s a reminder of Seth. Every day I look at him and remember I killed his father. Every day...every...day I look at Shawn and remember how he came to be. I try not to, but it’s always there in the back of my mind. And now Malcolm knows, and he...he couldn’t even look at me! I don’t want Shawn to be treated differently, but Malcolm knows. They wanted me to be better. They wanted me to be over it, and so I was, or pretended to be, but I’m not. I can’t do it anymore. I worked so hard to bury it all, to hide away all the things I let Seth do to me, but they won’t stay down anymore. Ever since Malcolm...more and more have escaped from that box. It...it won’t stay closed. I need it to stay closed. It’s the only way I survive.”

  The battle was lost. Like last night, the crying couldn’t be stopped. Now that the wound had been reopened, it bled fast and furious. The words, the shame, the guilt, all of it poured out of me uncensored. For so long my life, my every action, had been consumed with keeping the worst of it hidden. If no one knew, I could pretend it didn’t happen, but in one stupid, drunken night I’d blown it all.

  I felt a hand on mine. Dr. Carr was kneeling in front of me, box of tissues in hand. I waited for what was to come, for her to analyze everything I’d just said, to poke and prod, wanting more information. She said nothing. She stayed there, holding my hand until I managed to calm down.

  Once my crying slowed from the body shaking sobs, to hiccupping stutters, she got up, returning a few moments later with a bottle of water. I took it without looking up, thanking her between hiccups. I watched her feet as she walked back to take a seat across from me. I curled up in the leather chair, hugging my knees to my chest. I was wiped out. Raw. Exposed. Defeated.

  Time ticked on. Only my constant sniffling and the ticking of her desktop clock filled the room with sound. She didn’t ask me any questions. She wasn’t writing down everything I’d just said. We sat in silence. The tears finally stopped. I finished the bottle of water. The silence became uncomfortable.

  Even after drinking the water, my throat remained dry. “I’m sorry,” I managed to croak out.

  “For what?”

  I uncurled from the chair and looked at her. “For...for breaking down like that I guess. I don’t know...I just...I don’t know.” I let out a shaky breath. I didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I only wanted to climb in bed and shut out the world.

  “You don’t have to apologize for that. Here is where you can get those things out, freely and unashamed.”

  I gave no reply, since I didn’t know what to say. Turning back, I checked the time. We still had ten minutes left in our session, but I had nothing left to give. Picking up my purse, I stood. Dr. Carr did the same.

  “You still have some time left if you need to sit. We don’t have to discuss anything.”

  “Thanks, but I’m tired. I’ll see you next week, Dr. Carr.”

  My legs were lead as I walked to my car. I’d just bared my soul, and yet I’d gotten no relief, no freedom from carrying that secret for so long. During the drive to my parents’ house, I tried my best to put it all out of my mind. I needed to get my game face on.

  Soon as I saw my mom’s smiling face, I wrapped my arms around her. I buried my face in her shoulder and held on for dear life.

  “Sweetie, is everything all right?” she asked, returning my hug.

  I nodded, not sure that I trusted my voice. Mom didn’t question me further. She just let me hold her. We stayed that way until Dad came to investigate.

  “Hey, Sandy who...oh, baby girl, you okay? Who do I have to hunt down?”

  I pulled away, laughing at his comment. “I’m fine, Daddy. Sometimes a girl just needs a hug from her mom.”

  Mom smiled as she cupped my cheek. “I have an endless supply of those.”

  Shawn started wiggling to get free. Dad put him down, and I kneeled holding my arms out as he eagerly ran to me. His little arms contained the power to make all the bad melt away.

  “How’s my favorite little boy? Were you good for Grammy and Pa-Pa?”

  “Yes!”

  “Yes, he was,” Dad affirmed. “Come on, buddy, we have a castle to finish building.”

  I put Shawn down, and he took off running back down the hall with Dad following behind him.

  “You hungry? I was about to fix lunch.”

  “Yeah, lunch sounds good.”

  She placed her hand on my back, and rubbed in small circles as we started down the hall. “You sure you’re okay? You look troubled.”

  I forced a smile. “Yeah, I’m good.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~

  When we got home, I was surprised to see Dorian’s car in the garage. I wasn’t sure if she had always been a workaholic, or if this was a new thing because of her divorce, but most days she worked late, not getting home until seven or eight. The sight of her car made me realize his were really gone. I stared at the empty spaces that used to house his cars. I wasn’t sure how I felt not seeing the dust covered car wraps. I hadn’t stopped to think about it this morning since I was tired and running late for my appointment, but now it was odd to have them gone.

  Shawn started fussing in the back seat, taking my attention away from the empty
parking spots. Dorian was on the phone when we walked in. She threw her hand up in greeting before turning her back to continue her conversation. I put Shawn down, who instantly headed into the family room. I hung my keys on the hook; mine were the only ones there. I shook my head, trying to clear things out. I couldn’t let that train of thought pick up steam.

  “In three weeks you’ll have the place all to yourself again.”

  “That’s good. Any longer and I was going to start charging you rent.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I have some papers I need you to sign.” She walked over to her briefcase and pulled out a manila folder.

  “What are these?”

  “Company stuff. Just sign where I’ve placed the stickies.” She held a pen out for me.

  I took it and the folder, walking over to the couch. “Am I about to blindly sign over controlling interest to you?”

  I heard the fridge open and close. She came over with a diet coke in hand. “No. I can explain it all, but we both know it’s pointless. You always get this glazed look in your eyes when I speak legal.”

  She had a point on that. No matter how she tried to simplify things, I always felt lost when it came to anything related to Jokobi Enterprises. Opening the folder, I signed in the places she indicated.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~

  At the end of the night, after Dorian had gone off to bed, I found myself actually missing her company. She provided the distraction I needed to not think about the last few days. It was a strange thing to welcome her self-centered nature. Having the conversations always revolve around her in some shape, form, or fashion made it much easier not to think about my problems. Now, alone in my bedroom, staring up at the ceiling, they were all I could think about.

  Malcolm. He hadn’t called, or even sent a text, today or yesterday. His previous ones had gone unanswered, so I didn’t know why I was bothered by the fact that he’d stopped trying. But I was. Some illogical part of me thought he would keep reaching out. He’d been so stubborn and adamant about being there for me, for making our relationship work, but I should have known better. I was damaged goods, and now he knew just how damaged. It only made sense he’d give up the fight.

  I rolled over, hugging my stomach. That painful knot that had been there all day twisted. The walls closed in. Those memories I’d buried to make being here bearable coiled around me.

  Chapter 31

  Malcolm

  There it was again, some annoying ringing sound that was pushing its way through my subconscious. I groaned, and rolled over to turn on the lamp beside the bed. This time the ringing was followed by a knock, or I thought it was a knock. I looked at the clock. It was almost 1:30 in the morning. Who the hell would be at my door this time of night? The ringing pierced through again.

  “Fuck!”

  Throwing the covers back, my eyes scanned the floor for something to put on. I shoved my legs into a pair of jeans, not bothering to button them up. The doorbell rang again.

  “Whoever the fuck is down there better be near death ringing my fucking bell like that!”

  I bounded down the steps, flipping on the light in the hall as I walked toward the door. I unlocked it, ready to cuss out whoever was on the other side. All annoyance drained away when I saw Calida. She stood on my front porch in the middle of the night red-eyed, wearing an over-sized T-shirt, and a pair of shorts. She held a sleeping Shawn cradled in her arms.

  I took a long blink, certain I had to be dreaming. “Calida? What…is something wrong?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know…can I come in?” Her voice held a raspy undertone.

  I shook the fog from my head. “Yeah, yeah…of course.” I stepped to the side.

  She walked in, softly cooing to Shawn who’d started to wake.

  “Here, let me take him.” I took the sleeping child without waiting on an answer.

  I turned to take him upstairs. She didn’t move. She simply stood in the foyer. The playpen Macy’d left here remained set up in the room meant for Shawn. He fussed when I put him in it, so it took me a few minutes to get him settled down. As I rubbed his back, my thoughts raced with reasons for her being here. She’d been ignoring my attempts to reach her since she sent me home Monday.

  I’d spent the last two days talking myself out of driving to her place to speak with her. I figured it would be pointless, since she probably wouldn’t open the damn gate to let me in. On top of that, I needed to respect her wishes, and she’d made them clear. She wanted to be left alone. But now she was here, in the middle of the night.

  Pulling the door closed behind me, I exited Shawn’s room. The house was dark again. The only light came from the master bedroom. I found Calida sitting on the bed, her head hanging as she picked at her nails. When I leaned against the doorframe, the knob hit the wall. The sound caused her to look up. She gave me a weak smile, and tucked her hair behind her ear.

  Taking careful steps, I made my way over and took a seat beside her. “Is everything okay?” She nodded in response. “You have a key and a garage door opener.”

  She shrugged, turning her attention back to her hands. “I didn’t want you to think I was a burglar or something.”

  “Ah…so ringing my doorbell like a mad woman worked out much better.” I gave a little laugh in an attempt to break some of the tension. It didn’t work.

  Her knee started bouncing, and she kept twisting the ring I’d given her around in circles on her finger. She still wore it and the necklace.

  “I’m sorry for just showing up like this.”

  “It’s okay. And not that I’m not thrilled to see you, but why exactly are you here?”

  Calida shrugged in response. “I...I’ve been thinking, about a lot of things, and I just…I just wanted to see you.” She looked at my legs and frowned. “You sleep in jeans?”

  “Uh…no. I sleep in nothing, but didn’t think that was the best way to answer the door.”

  “Oh…” she replied softly. A red flush crept into her cheeks.

  I wanted to hug her, hold her hand, something, anything, but I refrained. Her comment about me not keeping my hands to myself lingered at the forefront of my mind.

  “It’s late, you can take the bed.”

  I eased off the bed and walked to my dresser to retrieve a pair of shorts. If I had to sleep in clothes, I needed something less restrictive than denim.

  “Where are you going to sleep?”

  “On the couch. My decorator helped me pick a comfy one, but she’s been slacking on filling up the remaining bedrooms,” I answered, turning to smile at her.

  “You should probably fire her then,” she replied with a small laugh.

  “I should, but since she’s rather sexy, I keep her around.” I waited for some retort, but it never came. “Okay…well, get some sleep.” I grabbed the shorts and started for the door.

  “I don’t want to be alone.”

  Her words stopped me in my tracks. There was a double meaning to that simple statement. I knew it, but needed to choose which path to take. “You don’t have to be. You just have to stop pushing me away,” I answered, choosing to take what could be the more dangerous route.

  My reply was met with silence. I let out a heavy sigh, ready to head downstairs, but Calida got off the bed, coming to stand in front of me.

  “I’m a mess, Malcolm. I thought I was doing better, but…I’m a mess.”

  She wrapped her arms around my waist, buried her face in my chest, and started crying. The shorts dropped from my hands, and I closed my arms around her. I held her, while her tears ran down my naked torso.

  “I…I…I’ve been so hurt…and you…you…I…I just don’t know. You…you keep saying you love me, bu…but I don’t know. I…I’m scared.”

  The anguish in her words was like a knife in my heart. Each tearful stutter sliced through me. I held her, wishing there was a way I could absorb her pain. To free her from all of it. I couldn’t. I’d been a fool to belie
ve I had enough love for the both of us to heal her broken heart. That if I’d loved her enough, she’d see she wasn’t the shell of a woman she thought she was.

  She looked up at me. I wiped the tears from her cheeks only to have new ones take their place. “I do love you, Calida. Without a doubt.”

  She closed her eyes, fresh tears spilled free. I watched the rise and fall of her chest as she took deep audible breaths. Her arms fell from my waist, and although I didn’t want to let her go, I released my hold on her.

  She opened her eyes and looked at me. Her hand came up to cup my face, and I leaned into her touch. Stretching up on her tiptoes, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. I was shocked by her actions, but my body quickly responded to hers. I put my hands on her hips, bringing her body closer to me. My tongue slipped into the warm comfort of her mouth.

  Her hands closed around my hair, and she moaned as her tongue wrestled with mine. My dick grew hard, restricted painfully by the jeans I wore. Cupping her ass, I rubbed her body against my erection. Having her close to me like this drove me crazy and I feared I’d come in my pants at any minute.

  Holy Shit!

  I pulled away, disentangled her arms from around my neck, and took a step back. What the hell was I doing?

  Her eyes were wide, and she brought her hand to her lips.

  I took another step back. “Shit! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done any of that.”

  She wrapped her arms protectively around herself. Watching her do that gutted me. I diverted my eyes to the shorts I’d dropped.

  I reached down to grab them. “Try to get some sleep.” I turned to leave, fully expecting her to lock the door afterward.

  “You don’t want me now.”

  I stopped, unsure if I’d heard her correctly.

  I turned back to face her. “What?”

  “You...you wouldn’t look at me that next day. And...and now I’m here, and you can’t get away from me fast enough.”