Not Broken-The Happily Ever After

by Meka James

  He took my hand, bringing it to his lips. “I like seeing you like this.”

  He kept a hold of my hand, running his thumb over my knuckles. His eyes searched my face. I didn’t know how to respond. A loud crash got our attention. Shawn had knocked down some of the CDs off the shelf.

  Malcolm shook his head and laughed. “He’s been trying to get those all morning.”

  Shawn smiled, looking very proud of himself.

  “Maybe you should consider moving into the digital age and not keep those.”

  Malcolm put his hand on his chest. “You wound me woman.”

  I headed over to start cleaning up, and Malcolm went to the kitchen. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. They need to go in order. Coffee?”

  “Yes, thank you.” I moved to sit on the couch, watching as Shawn happily crashed the cases together.

  Mal took a seat beside me. “I didn’t mind getting up with him. You were sleeping peacefully, and I didn’t want to disturb you.”

  I took a sip of the dark liquid, frowning at the bitter taste. “Plain black?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know how you take your coffee.”

  I got up to add some sugar and creamer to my cup. My thoughts went to what he said about me sleeping peacefully. Even though we were up late last night, I did feel rested for the first time in a long time. I looked up to see Shawn sitting on the couch next to Mal, resting against him while Malcolm looked for something on TV.

  I returned to my seat, and Shawn climbed into my lap as we settled back to watch the children’s show Mal found. His fingers stroked the back of my neck. I turned to look at him; all playfulness was gone from his face.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I…I don’t know to be honest.” I took a drink of my coffee.

  Shawn moved to sit between us, his head rested on Malcolm’s leg, and his feet rested on mine. I smiled at him before turning my attention back to Malcolm.

  “Last night...I acted impulsively. The last few days, my world has gone haywire. Trying to deal with everything I’d not wanted to deal with.” I turned my gaze away, choosing to focus on Shawn’s feet.

  Malcolm’s hand was on my chin, and he turned my head to look at him. I wished he hadn’t. The pained expression he wore filled me with remorse.

  “Do you regret it?”

  His question was unexpected. I’d been so off kilter since I’d gotten up. So much going through my head at once that I hadn’t fully processed anything.

  Shawn laughed at something that happened on the screen. Malcolm turned away, and grabbed one of the throw pillows to put under Shawn’s head before he got up.

  I reached out for his hand. “Where are you going?”

  “To take a shower.”

  There was sadness in his eyes when he looked at me. This was wrong. It was all so wrong.

  I let go of his hand so I could move Shawn’s legs. He rolled off the couch and started dancing with the characters on TV. I took Mal’s hand and pulled him into the kitchen. I sat my semi-full cup on the counter and tried to reign in my conflicting thoughts.

  “Malcolm, I—”

  He put his hands up to stop me. “You don’t have to explain.”

  “Yes, I do. Last night...last night I couldn’t sleep. Everything just kept running through my mind. The more I thought about things, the more upset I got. I started to feel suffocated and needed out of the house.”

  Banging coming from the family room got our attention. Shawn was hitting one of Mal’s game controllers on the coffee table.

  I ran over to take it from him. “Shawn, no.” He immediately fell to the floor in a fit of tears. I picked him up, trying to comfort him while starting to pick up the scattered items and shove them back into the diaper bag. “I’m sorry. He’s probably getting tired. I should take him home.”

  Malcolm came over, and helped me pick up the stuff. “If you want to leave, I’m not going to stop you, but I would like it if you’d stay. At least until we can finish talking, because I would really like to not leave this unresolved.”

  My first instinct was to flee, to take this chance at escape and run. Avoiding conflict and anything that made me uncomfortable had become the norm for me. I had to stop burying my head in the sand. Then there was the sadness in Mal’s eyes, the pain in his voice.

  “Okay, but I need to get him to nap first. Where did he sleep last night?”

  “There’s a playpen in one of the rooms upstairs.”

  I left Malcolm cleaning up the mess Shawn made and took him up to the room. After twenty-minutes of fighting, he was finally down for a nap. When I got back downstairs, I found Malcolm sitting on the couch still only wearing those damned shorts.

  “Are you hungry? You’ve not eaten anything yet.”

  I shook my head. I wasn’t hungry, not in the least. Too many nerves and worries going on to eat. I feared if I tried, I would only end up throwing it back up. He held his hand out for me. My legs were shaky, but I forced them to move. When I got closer, I slipped my hand into his. He closed his fingers around mine. They were a warm reminder of how good he felt when he held me last night.

  “Thank you for staying,” he said after I’d taken a seat.

  Our fingers intertwined. I focused on that.

  I stayed. He wanted to talk, to resolve last night. I wished my stomach wasn’t in knots. I needed to talk. To explain, but I didn’t know what to say.

  “You didn’t answer the question.”

  “What question?”

  “Do you regret what happened last night?”

  “When I left my house last night, I didn’t have any idea where I was going. A hotel maybe. I just knew I needed out of there.”

  I looked up. The intense focus of his hazel eyes had me squirming under the scrutiny as he patiently waited for me to continue.

  “I ended up here. I came to you. I’m ashamed. Well, not really ashamed, more like embarrassed I begged you for sex last night. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what came over me. I...I just...”

  I got up from the couch, overcome with the need to pace. This was reminiscent of my sessions with Dr. Carr; feeling that part of me that wanted to bare my soul, but the bigger part of me fought to keep a tight lid on the demons. I crossed my arms over my chest. I needed the protection, the cover, to compensate for how exposed I was at that moment. Naked. Bare. All defenses stripped away.

  “You don’t have anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Not with me. Never with me.” He stood and walked over to where I was. “Can I hold you?”

  A simple question, but one that hit me hard. A lump formed in my throat. I covered my face with my hands, trying to hold back the tears that burned in my eyes. I nodded. Malcolm pulled me into his arms. His body was warm, familiar, comforting. My head rested against his firm chest. The beating of his heart, a welcomed lullaby, making me feel something I’d not been for a long time.

  Safe.

  My fingers played with the curly hairs on his chest as I worked up the courage to open up to him. “I...I don’t know how I feel about what happened. I haven’t had time to process, really. I regret a lot of things, Mal. I’m not proud of how I acted, of how last night came to be. It’s a weird thing to regret something, but not regret it at the same time. I don’t really know how else to explain it. I told you, I’m a mess.”

  I stopped talking. The more I did, the more I stuck my foot in my mouth. I was so confused and after spending years keeping things inside, I now found it hard to change that behavior.

  Malcolm’s arms tightened around me. He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t care if you’re a mess, Ginger.”

  Chapter 34

  Calida

  Walking into my house felt strange. I hung my keys on the hook; the empty hook. Laughter bubbled out of me. I’d had his cars crushed. He’d loved those damn things. I would have never pegged him for a car man, but then again, I wouldn’t have pegged
him for a murderer either. My laughter stopped.

  Shawn squirmed in my arms, attempting to get down. The distraction welcomed.

  “Sorry, buddy. Baby jail for you, so mommy can take a shower.”

  A shower and maybe a stiff drink or two. How could so much change in such a short time? Fighting with the unhappy little being in my arms, I knew the drinks were out. After getting Shawn settled with a cup of juice and secured in his playpen, I headed for the bathroom.

  Last week—hell the last two years—the idea of sex was something I wouldn’t consider. The thought used to make me physically ill. Letting someone else see my body, let alone take pleasure from it, was a road I’d prepared to avoid at all cost.

  Yet, last night I not only took that road, I sat in the driver’s seat. While I waited for the shower to heat up, I looked at my reflection. For the first time in a long time I really studied myself. I looked older. The exhaustion I always felt was clearly shown in my features. Maybe the lies I’d told myself were bigger than I thought. Was I really that good of an actress that I hid this from everyone? I doubted it.

  Slowly, I pulled my shirt over my head. I stared at my bare chest, remembering how good it felt to have Malcolm’s hands on me. For years, I’d fantasized about what it would be like to be with Mal. In those dreams, it was always some intense and magical encounter; perfect in every way. Last night was far from perfect.

  I’d had sex with Malcolm. I used him last night.

  I used him.

  I turned away from my reflection, and climbed into the hot shower. That same feeling of guilt and shame I’d have after a night with Seth rushed back. He’d coerce me into sex, always getting a reaction from my body. Always taking pride and pleasure from that fact, reminding me that no matter how much I protested, in the end I wanted him. I’d used Malcolm last night; threw myself at him for my own selfish needs. I did that, but it was him this morning that acted as if he had done something wrong.

  Shawn eagerly reached out for me when I entered his room. He’d thrown his cup, and all the toys out of the playpen. He’d been attempting to try and climb out of it when I entered. I knew it wouldn’t be much longer till he figured it out, and then I’d really be in trouble.

  “Ready for a snack?”

  After getting him changed, we headed downstairs. I heard my phone ringing as we reached the bottom, but I didn’t get to it in time before it stopped. Digging it out of my bag I saw the missed called was from Macy. I hadn’t even thought about what it might be like to face her.

  “Oh boy, Shawn, what am I supposed to tell T-T Macy?”

  “T-T,” Shawn repeated. His chubby fingers reached for the phone.

  “No, we’ll call her later. First, I need to feed you. Want some bananas and cheese?”

  He nodded his head eagerly.

  I got him settled then joined him at the table with my own plate of snacks. Macy followed up her phone call with a text asking to call her ASAP.

  She picked up on the third ring. “Hey chick, whatcha up to?”

  “Not much, just snacking with Shawn. What’s up?”

  “I need out of my house and away from my husband. He’s driving me batty.”

  I laughed. “What is he doing this time?”

  “Breathing! I swear if I’d known he’d be this annoying I would have rethought this baby thing. He wasn’t this bad when I was pregnant with London.”

  I laughed harder. “Let me guess, he’s cutting back his hours to be home with you more?”

  “Yeah, how did you know?”

  “Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you said the same thing then too.”

  “Did I? Man I’m losing my mind more than I thought. Pregnancy brain is a real thing.”

  Pregnancy. Shit! How could I have been so stupid? We didn’t use anything last night. The last thing I needed right now was another baby. Not to mention it would add another complication to this already complicated situation. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking.

  “Lee?”

  “Huh?”

  “You okay?”

  No. No I wasn’t okay, but I wasn’t about to tell Macy that. She’d already adopted a don’t ask don’t tell approach to whatever sex life Mal and I were to embark on.

  “Yeah, I’m good. Just got a little distracted.”

  “Oh, okay. So, we’re good then?”

  Shit. What did she asked me? “Yeah, sure.”

  “All right, we’ll be there in a little while.”

  We hung up, and that overwhelmed feeling started to take over. It was too much too fast. One fuck up after the next. The unwelcomed tightening started in my chest. Unease settled in my stomach. Shawn banged his now empty plastic plate on the tray of his highchair. I took slow, steady breaths. I needed to keep it together. It was going to be okay. It was going to be okay. I focused on the noise Shawn made, needing the distraction to get my focus off the spiraling abyss that threatened to take over.

  I forced myself to stand, freed Shawn from his high chair, and hugged him. He returned my hug briefly before pushing against me, wanting to get down.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~

  After Macy left, I spent the next few hours trying to work up the nerve to call Mal. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid. I hadn’t been thinking clearly at all last night. I sat in the rocking chair in Shawn’s room, watching him play. Deciding I could no longer put it off, I picked up my phone and dialed his number.

  He answered on the second ring. “Hey, I was just getting ready to call you.”

  “Oh...yeah? I would have called earlier but Macy was over.”

  “Missing me already huh?”

  “Um, yeah, sure.”

  “That sounds real convincing.” His voice got muffled.

  “Did I catch you at a bad time? Sounds like you’re eating.”

  “Nope, I’m good. I can multitask.”

  I looked over at Shawn, who started banging his cars together. Mustering up the strength to be a good mom to him had been a struggle some days. Things were better, but adding another life into the mix...

  Malcolm’s voice cut through my thoughts. “Baby, whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re thinking.”

  “Condoms.”

  “Um, penis.”

  I laughed at his comment. “What?”

  “I don’t know. Thought it was a word association game.”

  I laughed again, then paused. It was now or never. “I...I’m not on birth control.”

  Silence on his end. I wasn’t sure if he’d heard me.

  “Shit.”

  “Yeah. I didn’t stop to let you—”

  “I don’t have any. Haven’t had a reason to buy them.”

  “Oh.”

  We both settled into silence. The only sounds came from Shawn, who kept bringing me toys to play with. I needed Mal to speak first, to say whatever it was that he was thinking about this situation. That unnerving feeling settled into my stomach the longer neither of us spoke.

  “Well…” he started then stopped. “What about that pill? The morning after deal?”

  Unsolicited memories of the first time Seth ever got angry at me popped into my head. I’d been stupid then too for not stopping him. With the way he’d been in control that night, who was to say any objection I might have raised would have been listened to. But it was the unexpected anger that I’d faced after I told him I’d taken the Plan B that haunted my thoughts now.

  “Ginger, baby? You okay?”

  I nodded even though he couldn’t see me, and tried to push those thoughts back in the dungeon of my mind where they belonged. “Yeah...I...um...is that what you want me to do?”

  He let out a heavy breath. “Shit. I don’t know. I mean, this falls under that whole your body, your choice deal, right? I’m just sayin’, would a baby right now, with the way we are be seriously bad timing? Yeah, probably. But…”

  “But what?”

  �
�But…” he paused again. “First, tell me what your first thoughts were when you realized we’d not used protection?”

  Shawn climbed up into my lap, giving me a book to read.

  “In a second, buddy. I was worried you’d be mad at me.”

  “Ginger. Baby. Come on now. We did this. So no, I would not and am not mad at you at all. I’m as much to blame here. Two to tango, right?”

  Shawn fussed, insisting I read to him. Instead, I absentmindedly flipped through the pages. “I’ll run out and pick up the pill.”

  There was brief silence. “Okay.”

  Okay? Just Okay? He said he wasn’t mad, but something in his answer and tone didn’t ring true to him not being upset.

  “I have to go. He’s wanting my undivided attention.”

  “All right. Call me later. If you want.”

  “Okay.”

  Chapter 35

  Calida

  I was surprised to see Dorian when she entered the kitchen in the morning as I was cleaning up after breakfast.

  “Thought you liked to sleep in on the weekends.”

  “Good morning to you, too.” She walked over to her espresso machine and started fixing herself a cup of coffee. She’d brought that contraption back with her after her trip to North Carolina. It was one of the many wedding gifts she’d fought Daniel over simply because she knew he really wanted them.

  Shawn walked over from his play area, and reached his arms up so she could hold him. She picked him up and gave him a brief hug before putting him down again. He started to fuss.

  “Give me a sec, kid. This machine requires two hands.”

  I grabbed one of his juice cups from the drying rack and filled it with water then picked him up to take him back to his toys.

  “So, why are you up early?” I called over my shoulder.

  “Mom wanted to go shopping, and you know Dad breaks out in hives at the idea.”

  I laughed and nodded my agreement to that statement. I cleared a spot on the floor to sit and watch Shawn as he played. “Where you guys headed?”