Fourth Down

by Kirsten DeMuzio

  I rolled my eyes and came to a stop at the entrance of the park a few blocks away from my apartment. Almost every day for three months I had walked by this park and never once went inside the gate. There were a few people walking in the dusk as I sat on a bench and dropped my head back to look up at the stars.

  “Leah,” I began before she unceremoniously cut me off.

  “Look, Ford. Here’s the deal. I don’t have that much intel on Poppy, due to the fact that she has avoided me like the plague. Lindsay has spent more time with her, but Poppy keeps the talk strictly to the class they have together. Tonight is the first time I have seen her remotely have fun since you left. And that’s only because she’s wasted. Before the alcohol took effect she was a royal bitch to Brooke and kind of reminded me of you.”

  That didn’t sound like Poppy at all. She was hands down the nicest person I had ever met, and she would go out of her way to avoid conflict. I was an asshole, plain and simple. Poppy couldn’t be like me. Did my leaving do this to her?

  “And, yes, she liked your flowers. Actually she loved your flowers. So much that Brooke found her in a sobbing mess on the floor when she went to get her ready. I got the impression that she does that a lot lately. Cry.”

  Leah needed to shut the hell up. I couldn’t take much more of hearing how miserable Poppy was. If I thought I was missing her before, it was nothing like the feeling in my chest now as I listened to Leah.

  “Leah, what do I do?” I managed to choke out when she stopped ranting to take a breath.

  I heard Leah sigh dramatically on the other end of the line. “I don’t know, Ford. What do you want to do? Are you missing her at all?”

  “Christ, Leah. Of course I miss her. I think about her all the damn time. Every fucking morning I wake up and reach for her. When my hand hits the empty bed beside me, my heart drops out of my chest. I thought she wanted me to go. She told me I had to take this job.”

  “Oh, Ford,” Leah said, and I could picture her shaking her head and rolling her eyes at me. “You need to take some time and think about what you want in your life. What you really want. What you can’t live without. You’re both miserable, and I’m not really sure why. Poppy seems to have some misguided sense that you don’t love her. That you just needed her to help you get through your mom’s passing.”

  My focus caught on the word love. This wasn’t the first time that someone had suggested that I loved Poppy. The first time was when Grady was giving me shit on the day of his wedding. At the time I scoffed at the idea. We were just friends. But now…now we were more, so much more. Or at least we were, before I left. Left town. Left Poppy. Fuck. Did I give up the best thing that ever happened to me to chase an old dream?

  “Ford? Are you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m here. Did I fuck up too bad, Leah? Can I fix this?”

  “I think you need to figure that one out for yourself.”

  Fucking great. The one time Leah decides to keep her big mouth shut is the one time I need her advice. Without my mom around anymore, Leah and even Lindsay were my only sources of female insight. Wait. My mom’s letter. Remembering that I had packed away her letter and never read it, I stood up and kept walking toward my apartment.

  “Thanks, Leah. I’ll let you get back. Keep an eye on Poppy, okay? Don’t let her drink too much.”

  Leah laughed. “Don’t worry. I’m on it. Take care, Ford. And I hope to see you soon.”

  Ending the call, I thought there was definitely one person I was hoping to see soon. But first I needed to find my mom’s letter. I doubted that it would be full of advice for my particular situation, but I hoped there were some wise words that would help me figure out what I needed to do. Because, the truth was, that I was still not happy. I had my dream job, next to playing in the NFL. But it didn’t matter.

  Because I didn’t have the one thing that I loved more than football. The one person that brought me out of myself and made me care about someone else more than I cared about my own happiness.

  Back at my apartment in record time, I racked my brain trying to remember where I had stashed the letter. Finally I remembered shoving it into my glove compartment the day of my mom’s funeral. Not wanting to wait for the elevator, I took the stairs two at a time down to the underground parking garage. I yanked open the glove compartment and tore the envelope open.

  Dear Ford,

  I hope you are doing well by the time you read this letter. I’m guessing you have waited several days or even weeks to read this. I want you to know that I have loved you every second of your life, and I will continue to love you even after I am gone. I am so proud of the man you have become, Ford. You worked hard to accomplish so much at such a young age.

  I’m also guessing that you have accepted the coaching job at LSU. Now you have an opportunity to get back some of what you lost. But just because you’ve wanted something all your life doesn’t mean you can’t follow a different path. People change and so do dreams. Make sure you’re chasing the right dream.

  Remember what is most important in life and go after it with all the passion you have inside you. If you choose to leave again, make sure it is for the right reasons. Because you are truly following your heart.

  I support you and love you unconditionally, Ford. Always.

  Love,

  Mom

  She didn’t specifically mention her name, but she might as well have stamped Poppy in big red letters across the paper. Why didn’t I read this letter months ago? Would it have changed anything then?

  This was one of those moments. Where a split second decision could change the course of my life. Like when I made the decision to keep running instead of sliding. I felt like it was fourth down, only seconds left in the game, and I needed to make the decision that could be my biggest accomplishment or my greatest regret.

  Ironically, the other thing I had stuffed in my glove compartment months ago was my contract. Still unsigned. Coach had asked me about it just last week, and I gave him my standard reply that I would get it back to him soon. I pulled it out.

  My mom’s letter in my left hand, my three year coaching contract in my right. Fourth down. What do I do?

  Chapter Nineteen

  Poppy

  I felt like I should be wearing a disguise. Maybe a blond wig and big dark sunglasses. Anything to hide the fact that I was walking into a liquor store on a Wednesday morning. And I had every intention of buying enough alcohol to get me through the next three days. Classes were over, and I had my last final exam last week. My job at the hospital only took up three to four days a week. I wasn’t on the schedule again until Saturday, and the thought of having to fill three days was enough to drive me to drink. Hence my weekday morning trip to the local liquor store.

  It had been three weeks since the girls had dragged me out after the MCATS, and I had taken it upon myself to get as drunk as possible. Never mind the fact that I had barely ever had more than one drink at a time up to that point. Five vodka and cranberry cocktails had seemed like a good idea. It certainly did the trick with regards to keeping my mind off Ford. Even the next day, I was so hungover I couldn’t dwell on anything other than the fact that I could barely move.

  Lindsay, Leah and Brooke had been so great to me, even though I barely resembled a real person, at times bordering on being an evil bitch. I still felt bad about the comment I made to Brooke that night. She brushed off my apology like it was no big deal, but I could see that it hurt her.

  Words, once spoken, couldn’t ever be taken back. The same could be said for unspoken words. It had become a daily obsession lately to wonder if things would be different if I had told Ford that I loved him. Even if he didn’t say it back, could I have changed our paths if I had said those three little words?

  I thought losing my dad had made me so wise. Make sure you tell people how you feel, because you never know when it will be your last chance. Or some shit like that. When it came right down to it, standing in my driveway in the freezing r
ain, I couldn’t tell Ford how I felt. How much he meant to me. How absolutely ruined I would be if he left.

  The bell over the door dinged as I entered the store, slipping inside and looking behind me to make sure nobody saw me. The creepy guy behind the counter had a huge beer belly, probably an occupational hazard, barely covered by his stained t-shirt. His hair was thinning and combed over his balding head in greasy strings.

  There were things I liked about living in a small town, but the lack of liquor stores to choose from was not one of them. Creepy guy looked up from his magazine, which appeared to be all about boobs, and I again wished for a disguise. This time a floor length shapeless mumu as his mud brown eyes leered at my cleavage bared by the v-neck of my t-shirt and my legs bared by my cutoff shorts.

  “Can I help you find something, Miss?” His eyes never left my chest while he spoke.

  “Um, no thanks. I’m just…browsing,” I said and quickly scurried down the aisle behind me. What I wanted to do was run out the door, but I needed to keep my mission in mind. Vodka. Vodka was my mission. The store was small, so it didn’t take long to find the vodka section. Holy crap, there were a lot of different kinds. All different brands and prices. Cheap was good for my wallet, but did it have as much alcohol as the expensive stuff? Because it would be a waste of money to buy something that wouldn’t get me good and drunk.

  The door dinged again as I realized there were flavors too. Ooh, raspberry! Fruity vodka? What more could I ask for? I picked up a bottle of lower priced raspberry infused vodka to inspect the alcohol content.

  “Don’t get the cheap shit. It’ll make your hangover even worse,” said a familiar voice from behind me.

  I squealed and bobbled the heavy glass bottle before grasping it tightly in my hands and whirling around. My back hit the shelves behind me and there was a moment there when I thought I might be buying fifty broken bottles of vodka.

  “Easy, Poppy. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  I managed to set the bottle back on the shelf with shaky hands. “Aiden! What are you doing here?” It came out sounding accusatory, like this was my liquor store. I mean come on, it was Wednesday morning. Only creepy guys with greasy hair and porn magazines or heartbroken young women should be in a liquor store right now.

  “Uh, I’m here to buy some beer.”

  “Oh, right. Sorry, I’m just a little on edge.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Honestly, I’m surprised to see you here. You weren’t a big drinker in high school.”

  Turning my back on Aiden, I resumed my vodka inspection. “Well, it was illegal then, Aiden,” I snapped.

  He chuckled behind me and reached around me to pull a slim cobalt blue bottle from the shelf. “This is the one.”

  I raised my eyebrows at the hefty price tag. “It is pretty, but I was hoping for something a little less expensive.”

  “Hmmm. Well, what kind of drinking are you planning today? Girls gone wild? Or are you hanging out with your boyfriend?”

  It took me a minute to figure out he must have been talking about Ford. Aiden took one look at my face and back pedaled.

  “Oh. Sorry, Poppy. I remember seeing you with him before, and I just assumed…in that case, you definitely need this one. My treat.”

  “You don’t have to do that Aiden. I’ll just get the cheap one. If I drink the whole bottle, maybe I won’t notice it tastes like crap.”

  “If you drink the whole bottle, you’ll be dead.” Aiden slung his arm around my shoulder and steered me toward the checkout counter. “Come on, I need protection from the weird dude that works here,” he whispered. An actual giggle escaped my mouth for the first time in a long time. A very long time.

  While Aiden was paying for the vodka, my phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my back pocket and saw it was Leah calling. Debating for a moment, I hit Ignore and put it away.

  “Hey, you didn’t get any beer,” I said as Aiden handed me the bottle of vodka, which was his only purchase.

  He shrugged. “I thought you might want some company at your pity party tonight. Or is it starting earlier?”

  Taking the brown paper bag containing the vodka bottle from him, I said, “It’s starting as soon as I get home.”

  Of course, my piece of shit car was not working again, so when Aiden noticed his was the only car in the parking lot, he offered, “You need a ride?”

  I took in Aiden standing by his shiny red Mustang, wearing his polo shirt and cargo shorts. It wasn’t a big black truck, and his hair was too light and his eyes not blue enough. Not to mention the fact that the preppy clothes were all wrong. But…if I was drunk enough, maybe…

  Aiden raised an eyebrow, clearly offering me more than a ride. My phone buzzed against my butt, and I pulled it out with a sigh. Jeez, can’t I be left alone in peace to do something that would likely be a huge mistake. It was a text from Leah.

  Leah: Answer your phone, bitch.

  Immediately after I read the lovely message my phone rang.

  “Hello?” I answered as politely as I could manage.

  “Where the hell are you? I know you’re not working, and Brooke said you weren’t at home,” Leah interrogated me.

  “Um…I’m at the store. What’s your problem and why are you stalking me?”

  “I’m not stalking you. Lindsay’s in labor.”

  “What?!” I screamed, causing Aiden to walk over with a concerned look on his face.

  “They went to the hospital at 5:00 this morning, and she’s pretty close. I thought you might want to know,” Leah said snottily.

  Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry, Leah. Of course I want to know. Are you at the hospital now?”

  “Yeah, Maddy and I are here in the waiting room.”

  “Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  “Everything okay?” Aiden asked when I ended the call.

  “Oh, yeah. Lindsay is having her baby. Do you mind giving me a ride to the hospital?”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  We rode in silence the few blocks to the hospital. Aiden pulled up under the covered entrance and put his car in park. Turning toward me, he draped his arm over the back of my seat.

  “Let me know if you need a ride home. And the offer still stands,” he said, nodding toward the brown bag in my hands.

  Oh, shit. It wasn’t in my plans to have to take my giant bottle of vodka into the hospital. I briefly considered leaving it with Aiden, but I would need it later. And I wasn’t sure yet whether I would be wanting company.

  “Okay. Thanks, Aiden.”

  Alcohol in hand, I made my way up to the labor and delivery floor. I hadn’t worked on this floor yet, but I recognized some of the nurses. I attempted to shove my bottle in my small purse, but it just wasn’t working.

  In the waiting room, I found Leah sitting on the plastic loveseat with Maddy on the floor in front of her. At nine months old she was already crawling and right now was pulling herself up to standing with the help of Leah’s fingers.

  “She’s going to be walking soon,” I said.

  Leah smiled as she looked up at me. Her smile turned to a smirk when she saw I was wearing the LSU t-shirt with Ford’s number on it. I wore it every chance I got, but usually not out in public.

  “Nice shirt.”

  I rolled my eyes and sank down into a chair opposite Leah, crossing my arms over my chest. Leah eyed my contraband.

  “What’s in the bag?”

  “Nothing,” I grumbled.

  “Nothing? Really? Because it’s a brown paper bag shaped like a giant bottle of some kind of alcohol. It’s not even lunch time, Poppy.”

  “Whatever, Leah. I’ve seen you pour Bailey’s into your coffee a lot earlier than this.”

  Leah laughed and pulled Maddy up onto her lap. “Touche.”

  “So, how’s Lindsay?”

  “She’s doing great since she got an epidural. Grady came out a few minutes ago and said she’s at nine centimeters. It shouldn’t b
e long now.”

  I smiled wistfully at the image of bad boy Grady with his long hair and tattoos holding a tiny baby. Lindsay and Grady had chosen not to find out the sex of the baby ahead of time, which was driving Leah crazy. She complained all the time about having to buy gifts in yellow or green.

  “Do they want a boy or a girl?” I asked.

  Leah shrugged. “They say they don’t care, of course. But I think they both secretly want a girl.”

  “Even Grady? Don’t all guys want sons?”

  “Maybe, but I think Grady would love to have a mini Lindsay running around.”

  I sighed and wondered if I would ever have children. It had never really crossed my mind before. My plans for medical school and then an internship and residency pushed thoughts of having a family way far in the future. Would I be ready by then to move on from Ford? Surely after seven or eight years I wouldn’t still be buying vodka on Wednesday mornings, would I?

  “I guess today will be full of surprises,” Leah said with another smirk.

  Before I could ask what she meant by that, I heard the sound of Josh’s voice coming down the hallway behind the waiting area.

  Then I heard it.

  A sound I hadn’t heard in months, and even then it was a rare occurrence.

  Ford’s laugh.

  I bolted upright and turned around in my seat. I heard Leah laughing behind me, but nothing could break my focus on the vacant hallway. Josh spoke again, and then I heard Ford’s voice. I could hear him talking, but I couldn’t make out the words.

  Did he know I was here? Would he be happy to see me? Or would it be awkward? My breath was coming in fast pants, and my heart was threatening to pound out of my chest. Was I having an anxiety attack? Oh, God. Don’t let me pass out.

  “Breathe, Poppy,” Leah whispered behind me, putting her hands on my shoulders. “It’s going to be okay.”