She Friend-Zoned My Love

by Sudeep Nagarkar

  I am in a relationship with Ritvik. He asked me out and I accepted. I just wanted to inform you because I don’t want to hide anything from you. I tried calling you many times, but you seem to be busy. I’ll see you tomorrow in the first half if you are coming to college. I am going out with Ritvik in the second half.

  Apurv was on the phone with Amyra when Sia called. But as soon as he read her message, he disconnected. He read the message again and called Sia.

  ‘What? Are you serious or are you drunk again? You and Ritvik? When did this happen?’

  ‘Will you let me speak? Yes, it’s true. He proposed to me today at Starbucks. I accepted. So we are officially dating now.’

  ‘But why Ritvik?’

  ‘What kind of a question is that? I love him.’

  ‘No, he is not the right person for you. A girl like you shouldn’t be with a guy like him.’

  ‘What do you mean “a girl like me”? And who are you to stop me? Yes, we are good friends but did you ask me before kissing Amyra? No, right? So please don’t enforce your opinions on me. Did I tell you whom to date and whom not to?’

  Apurv had no answer. He realized that he shouldn’t try to control her life.

  ‘I am happy for both of you. I hope you always stay together. So where are you going on your first date?’

  ‘His home.’

  ‘What the fuck? His home on the first date? Are you insane? I hope you understand his intentions. He is just using you.’

  ‘Stop assuming things, Apurv. We are just going to play board games, watch a movie and chill. Don’t let your mind run away.’

  ‘You are acting like a fool. He just needs one thing from you and that’s why he has called you home. A decent guy will never call a girl home on the first date. Trust me, I know how guys’ minds work.’

  ‘Of course. That’s why you took Amyra home that night. You think everyone is like you. That’s your problem.’

  ‘Is this relationship a way to get back at me for what I did that night?’

  ‘Wow. Did you really say that? I am mature enough to take decisions that are not influenced by others. I love Ritvik and that’s why we are together. You’re fooling yourself into thinking you are that important.’

  Apurv disconnected the call but Sia’s mind didn’t stop churning. She thought about what Apurv had said, about Ritvik calling her home on the first date, about using her. What if it was true? But she had told him that she was not ready and he had understood. What if Ritvik tore her heart apart? There were many who had used her emotionally, now she was scared of being used physically too.

  Please Don’t Troll My Heart

  ‘Should I order something to eat?’ Ritvik asked Sia, passing her a menu as she sat on the sofa in his living room.

  Sia was silent for a moment, her heart pounding. She was nervous because she had never been alone with a guy at his house before. She kept thinking about what Apurv had said. She did trust Ritvik but the baggage of her past terrified her. She was hoping that Ritvik would prove her fears wrong. She buried her face in her hands.

  ‘What’s wrong, Sia? Are you okay?’

  ‘Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?’

  Ritvik smiled at her. ‘Are you sure? Come on, you can tell me.’

  She hesitated at first. She wasn’t sure if she should tell him.

  ‘I don’t know why but it feels like I can really trust you.’

  ‘Of course you can.’ Unexpectedly he put his arms around her. ‘Are you crying?’

  ‘No, why would I?’

  Ritvik had told her earlier that day that he had made a drawing of her and that it was better than the previous one.

  ‘Where’s the drawing?’

  ‘The what?’ Ritvik tried to play with her but he couldn’t keep it up for long. He reached into his pocket and took out his wallet. Sia looked confused but he had neatly folded the paper.

  ‘Give it to me right now.’ Sia was excited to look at her sketch. When she unfolded the paper, the beauty of the girl amazed her. She never thought she could look so beautiful.

  ‘Cute and chubby,’ he exclaimed, holding her hand.

  Ritvik told her that he had second thoughts about showing it to her because he feared that it would bring back bad memories. But Sia hugged him and planted a small peck on his cheek instead.

  ‘I love you.’ The whole time they sat on the sofa, Ritvik stared at her while holding her hand.

  ‘I love you too.’ Sia’s heart was pounding.

  After a pause, Sia spoke again. ‘Do you want me to join a gym?’

  ‘No, there’s no need for that. You can exercise occasionally to stay fit, but don’t lose weight for me. I have no problem because I love you the way you are. You may not have an amazing figure or a flat stomach, but I love you and I don’t want you to change.’ Ritvik wrapped his hands around her waist.

  ‘I just . . .’

  ‘Shh . . .’

  Ritvik took her inside and made her sit on the bed. Sia feared her nightmare was coming true as he sat beside her.

  ‘You can relax.’ He gave her a pillow. She rested on it, waiting to see what would happen next. Ritvik lay down beside her and gazed into her eyes. There was hardly space for air to pass between them as they faced each other. Ritvik held her close and lay her head on his chest.

  ‘You don’t need a pillow.’ He kissed her forehead.

  Sia fell asleep like that. Ritvik spent the entire time looking at her, kissing her cheeks. She had replenished his heart with joy. When she got up after a couple of hours, she realized that he had ordered a pizza. The scary thing about a relationship is that you either love that person forever or lose him/her forever. Sia knew that she was going to love Ritvik forever because Ritvik didn’t make a move on her even once in all the time that they were together. They talked, watched a movie, played Scrabble and made fun of each other. Her fear lost the battle to love! With every moment, he only made her feel more confident about their relationship and herself. With him, Sia felt safe.

  There are two doors—the first leads to an amazing life, and the second one keeps you from getting to the first door. Where Sia had opened the first door, Apurv was still struggling to get past the second. Sia had found a soulmate in Ritvik who understood her emotions, while Apurv was hoping for Amyra to understand his. Though he knew that she wouldn’t hurt him, he was still slightly nervous to declare his love for her. After mustering the courage, he was ready to give it a go. He planned to propose to her at the college play rehearsal but, unfortunately, Amyra didn’t turn up.

  Sorry, Apurv. Something personal has come up and my mom is not allowing me to come to college. I don’t know when I’ll see you next.

  Apurv was dejected because he had been ready to bare his heart to her. He could wait till the next time but it had taken a lot of effort to convince himself to go for it. He felt that day would be perfect to ask her out. After all, it is never easy to express your feelings. Apurv thought of another way and the moment the rehearsals were wrapped up, he went to a vacant classroom. He made sure that he locked it from the inside before texting Amyra.

  Hey. Just checked your message. No problem. But can you come online on Instagram for a few minutes? I have to show you something.

  Amyra came online.

  I am here. What did you want to show me?

  The only thing Apurv could feel when he read her message was nervousness. He wanted to give it his best but he also wanted the moment to be over soon. Taking a deep breath, he messaged her.

  I am going live. Keep watching!

  Will I be able to do it? Will I give it my best or make a fool of myself? I hope the network doesn’t betray me. The countdown sent shivers down his spine, but in those few seconds he prepared himself.

  3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . You are live now.

  Once he saw the words on the screen, he started speaking.

  ‘Amyra, this is for you. I want to tell you what is in my heart, no fake sentiments here. We both know we hav
e a very special relationship. Without ever needing to say so, we know how deeply in love we are. But now I want to tell you openly that I love you. When I say “I love you”, I don’t mean I love you more than you do, I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us, more than any fights we may have and more than any obstacles between us. I love you the most. I don’t know if you feel the same way about me, but I hope you do. I know together we will live the best years of our lives. Amyra, I love you.’

  Apurv ended the live video and called Amyra. She didn’t pick up the call and that scared him. He called once more but there was still no response. He left her a message on WhatsApp.

  Are you there? Did you see the live video?

  Amyra read the message but didn’t reply for the next few minutes. She was shocked. She had not expected this from Apurv. She considered him to be a good friend and nothing more.

  Why did you do that, Apurv? We were doing well as friends. We even made love to each other. Why did you complicate things by asking for a relationship? Why was a commitment so necessary? I love you, I love you a lot, but only as a friend. I love your company and I don’t want to hurt you. What the fuck do I do if to keep myself happy, I have to hurt you? I can’t afford to lose your friendship. I wish you understood that.

  When you believe someone is really in love with you, it is hard to reject them, especially if they happen to be your friend. You don’t know how to convey your feelings without hurting them. She knew that Apurv would be hurt but that was the best way. She finally replied to his proposal via WhatsApp because she couldn’t bear the thought of speaking to him on the phone.

  I don’t know how you will take this, but let me be upfront for the sake of our friendship. Don’t get upset. Why can’t we just remember the fun times without wanting more? You are everything a girl could want in a boy. The way you confessed your love, I am sure any girl would fall for it. But how do I tell you this? You were kind, you were thoughtful, and you were patient. You took me out on dates and let me get anything I wanted. You made sure I didn’t go to bed without a goodnight text. However, no matter how good a guy you are, I just cannot seem to reciprocate those feelings. You are my best friend and will always be. Please don’t spoil it.

  Apurv almost collapsed after reading her text. He felt as if his soul had died. He immediately called her back. As soon as Amyra picked up, he pounced on her. ‘Amyra, I love you. You’re kidding, right? We even made love to each other. Wasn’t that enough? Stop joking. I know you love me. You are just trying to test me but I am not going to fall for it. Please say you love me too.’

  ‘No, Apurv. Please understand. Don’t make it harder. I know I am hurting you. I agree that night was memorable but it’s not reason enough to commit. I don’t feel that connection. It’s just that you are special and I feel safe with you. I can be myself around you. Don’t overreact please. Do you want me to stop talking to you? I think that would make me sad as I enjoy spending time with you. You are my best friend. Please let’s not complicate things.’

  Amyra hung up. No one saw her tears. Apurv was shattered and switched off his phone. He felt like the walls were closing in. He had always thought that they were made for each other. Life isn’t a game but it still managed to play with him. For hours, he envisioned the hell his life had become. Damn, men cry too! Later that night, when he switched on his phone, there was a message from Amyra.

  My heart broke seeing yours break because of me. I know that you have done everything, gone beyond the extra mile. There are so many good things about you that it’s almost hard to say no. However, I’ve thought about this. If you want unconditional love from me, it is not something I can give you. I can’t be in a relationship if my gut tells me not to. I know you want to take care of me and love me, but I feel so wrong taking your love and not giving it back. I know you know how I feel and I wish you would see that I can’t change. I just want to stop all this and be friends with you like before. Can we? I am sorry but there are certain lines I can’t cross.

  Apurv replied with a heavy heart. He had no option.

  I am sorry for crossing the line. You’ll never regret being friends with me.

  He kept his phone aside and thought of how they had ended up like this. When did things change and turn into empty conversations? Everything he had built came crashing down in a matter of seconds. He thought of messaging Sia, even typed out a message, but deleted it. He was proved wrong on both occasions. Ritvik, who he thought would be the wrong choice for Sia, turned out to be the perfect partner for her. Amyra, who he thought would be the perfect partner for him, turned out to be the wrong choice. Where Ritvik and Sia’s relationship accelerated, Apurv and Amyra were an unfinished poem. They could have been the sweetest story ever written but, like an unfinished poem, they weren’t meant to be.

  Error 404: Feelings Not Found

  How do you un-love someone?

  How do you forget the way they walked, laughed and cried?

  How do you turn off the ache in your heart at the memory of them?

  How do you walk away knowing that they never felt anything for you?

  Do you perform a ritual of pretence daily?

  Do you cry at the beauty you’ve lost?

  Do you call yourself a fool?

  Do you look in the mirror and ask why?

  Why did you not love me?

  Why did you not see me?

  Why did you just want to be friends?

  Why does it hurt still?

  Apurv was penning poems in his diary when he was supposed to be writing the dialogues for the play. A part of him felt that Amyra wasn’t being practical. He thought she was a little scared, which he understood because he was scared too. But he was willing to give it a shot. All that he had got out of this was the impression that he was an okay enough person for people to be friends with but not good enough for a relationship. With each passing minute, he felt more depressed and worthless. He hated that the monster in his head was winning the battle. The fact was that he was yet to see the light at the end of this friendship tunnel.

  Ritvik spotted Apurv sitting alone on a bench, writing in his diary. It had been a long time since they had a proper chat. Ritvik sat beside him. ‘Are you working on the dialogues for the play?’

  ‘I am sorry, Ritvik. I misunderstood you.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I thought Sia would have told you. When she told me about your relationship, I was annoyed as I thought you were using her. But I am happy now. At least the two of you seem happy together.’

  Ritvik thought Apurv sounded strange. ‘Is everything all right between Amyra and you?’

  Apurv turned towards him with sad eyes and told him how he had been friend-zoned. Ritvik couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but one look at Apurv bared the truth.

  ‘You are good enough. The person you love just isn’t smart enough to realize that,’ Ritvik said, trying to make him feel better.

  Ritvik even asked Apurv to sort out the differences that had crept in between Sia and him. Though both Apurv and Sia talked to each other and spent time together in college, the chemistry and warmth between them was missing. Their egos prevented them from coming close again. Ritvik assured Apurv that he would try to help resolve things and left when he got a text from Sia. When he told her about Apurv and Amyra, she was furious. She wanted to punch Amyra but Ritvik calmed her down. However, she couldn’t keep her cool for long and sent Amyra a text.

  I knew a bitch like you can only hurt people. You proved me right and now you shouldn’t feel ashamed if someone calls you a slut. If you had no intention of committing to him, why did you sleep with him? You simply betrayed him after satisfying your needs. That’s what you did with Ishaan and Pihu too. I’m sure you did something horrible to them. You can never be loyal to anyone. First Ishaan and Pihu, and now Apurv and me. Fuck off, you bitch. A guy like Apurv doesn’t deserve you, he deserves better. And don’t you worry about him getting hurt, I am there for him, I wa
s always there. You just mind your own business. I’ll make sure he’s okay.

  The message didn’t go down well with Amyra.

  Fuck off.

  She didn’t stop there and went on to forward Sia’s message to Apurv.

  Read what your best friend has written to me. Can’t you keep the personal between us? Are you still a schoolkid who goes cribbing to everyone or do you just love getting sympathy from others? I thought we were going to stay friends, and the only thing I wanted was to not complicate our relationship by giving it a title. It hasn’t even been a day and you have already made sure the news goes viral. Soon Ritvik will know and then the entire class. They’ll even know about the night we spent together.

  Apurv, who had no clue about what was going on, was stunned to receive such a nasty message from Amyra after he had politely agreed to be friends. Now he was angry and confused.

  What’s my fault in this? I didn’t go and publicize it. I never told anyone about our night. It’s you who revealed it to Sia. If you feel that Sia and Ritvik will spread gossip among our classmates, don’t worry. I will take care of it. But I request you to stop blaming me for each and every thing that happens. My feelings for you won’t change in the span of a few days but I have no expectations now. Yes, I felt bad but, for me, your friendship means much more. I’m sorry for Sia’s harsh words. I’ll look into it.

  Apurv had hoped that Amyra would change her mind in the future, which is why he had agreed to be friends and act as if nothing had happened.

  Why always me? he thought. Why are things so bad for me all the time? When happiness passes through me, sadness captures it. When the sun shines on me, darkness engulfs it. When everything seems to be all right, something goes against it.

  Apurv was angry with Sia for being so mean to Amyra. But it really wasn’t her fault. She did it because she cared for him. Their relationship was already going through a rough phase. While he should have thanked her for expressing the emotions he couldn’t, he was boiling with anger at her for doing so. But should he really blame her for the mess and screw things up further? Should he try to resolve their fight, which would make him feel better? Either way, a lump of coal had been tossed into the fire before it even stood a chance of becoming a diamond; all it needed was time.