She Friend-Zoned My Love

by Sudeep Nagarkar

  Apurv ran to the classroom where Ritvik and Sia sat alone. They looked at him in surprise but greeted him with a smile. However, Apurv kept staring at Sia as if she had committed a sin. This scared her because she had never seen Apurv like that before.

  Still, faking a smile, she asked, ‘Do you have a problem? You look upset. Ritvik told me about you and Amyra. I wish she had proved me wrong.’

  Apurv interrupted her. ‘Will you cut that crap, now at least?’

  Ritvik stood up, anticipating a fight, but before he could say anything, Apurv requested him to leave as he wanted to talk to Sia alone. Sia was scared but, looking at the intensity of the situation, she requested Ritvik to step out. As he left, Ritvik wondered if they would be able to resolve the conflict.

  ‘I want to talk to you,’ said Apurv. ‘Who gave you the permission to message Amyra on my behalf? Did I ask you to be my lawyer? You just do what you want and at the end of the day I have to suffer because of you. Why should I? You are enjoying your life with Ritvik but you have a problem with everything I do. When I kissed her, you interrupted us and started screaming as if we had done something wrong. You had a problem when we spent time at home. But you are okay with going to Ritvik’s house. What is your problem? Why don’t you just fuck off?’

  Sia was surprised at Apurv’s attack. ‘Why are you talking to me like this? I just didn’t like the way she rejected you. I was just supporting you. I don’t have any problems apart from the words you are using.’

  ‘Yes, she rejected me. But does that give you the right to speak to her like that? I had no problem with her decision. It was totally her wish, and I accepted it. We were okay with being just friends but you had a problem with that too. You are ruining my life because of your issues with her. Do I interfere in every small thing you do with Ritvik? Please don’t butt into my personal life.’ Apurv had never been this furious before.

  ‘Fine, let’s end it then.’

  ‘End what?’

  ‘Our friendship. What’s the use of being friends if we can’t share our feelings with each other? Why should we even talk to each other? Let’s end it. Delete my number from your phone. I don’t need you.’ Sia’s heart ached as she said this but no one could see it, not even Apurv. ‘You think I will cry if you do this emotional drama. I don’t need this in my life. I don’t need anyone. Not even you. Buzz off.’

  Apurv walked towards the door and before leaving, he turned towards her. ‘Yes, let’s end it. Once and for all. Don’t try to contact me ever again.’

  Sia and Apurv had ended their friendship but if that was what they both wanted, why did the memories still hurt so much? As Tim Burton said, ‘Every story has a beginning, a middle, and an end.’ And although they had called it an end, something was missing in the middle. They were both unsure of whether their story was over or not and secretly hoped that the other didn’t close the book so soon.

  The words we speak in anger often destroy relationships, forcing us to drift apart from the people that mean so much to us. What do you do when the one who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it? Apurv was devastated as he had lost not only Sia but also Amyra. Sia, at least, had Ritvik to help her through this tough time. In the midst of all this, everyone overlooked how Amyra felt because she never spoke to anyone about her anguish. She would have been much happier had she erased her past. But it was still there, tearing her apart. No, it wasn’t because of her past that she had denied herself a relationship with Apurv, but the denial took her back to her schooldays when friendships were broken in a similar manner.

  Pihu, Ishaan and Amyra had parted ways because of one unintentional action that Amyra had taken. Just as Sia had interfered between Apurv and Amyra, Pihu too insisted on having a say in Amyra’s relationship with Ishaan. This affected the bond between them. However, none of them had wrong intentions.

  The past was repeating itself once again, although the tables had now been turned. Sia was now in the same situation as Amyra had been when Ishaan chose friendship over a relationship. Amyra had not got a chance to prove herself, and Sia wasn’t getting one now. In the war of emotions, Apurv had hurt Sia and Amyra could feel her pain. After shifting schools, she even tried contacting Ishaan and Pihu but all her attempts failed. Even after two years, she wished to meet them and explain her actions and apologize.

  Wasn’t it ironic? She had told Apurv to stay strong but she couldn’t do so herself? Did she still love Ishaan? Is that why she had friend-zoned Apurv? Or was her subconscious mind hiding some secrets? Whatever it was, the house of cards, with a misplaced whisper, was tumbling.

  Ego-1, Friendship-0

  The clock kept moving but their lives didn’t. One step in the wrong direction and they stood still. Ritvik was the mediator between Sia and Apurv as they stopped communicating. Both of them couldn’t sleep at night because of their troubled minds. Apurv wanted to hang out with Amyra but he felt like the boundaries had been marked. Ritvik too had realized that they needed to find a solution because Sia always looked dejected. The inter-college festival was inching closer. Rehearsals were in full swing and that was the only time that all four of them came under one roof. It was on one such day that Ritvik called Apurv to meet him face-to-face. He wanted to know what was running through his mind, the way he approached life and relationships.

  ‘What are you seeking from Amyra? Why don’t you just call it off?’ Ritvik asked Apurv as they ate a sandwich in the canteen.

  ‘I can’t. Can you just end your relationship with Sia? Would you have given up if she had said no to this relationship?’ Apurv tried to make Ritvik understand that it was not easy to move on even though he had no hope.

  ‘At least I wouldn’t have faked a relationship.’

  ‘I know your concern, Ritvik, but it’s not as clear as it seems. She is hiding something. How should I explain this? She is going through something, that’s all I can figure out.’

  ‘It’s your perception, all rubbish. She is just playing with your emotions and you’re allowing her to. Sia wasn’t wrong, and I am saying this after a month.’ Ritvik raised his tone this time.

  Apurv was shocked when he realized that it had actually been a month.

  ‘Has she spoken to her parents about fashion designing? You said she was going to this week. The HSC board exams are approaching. She shouldn’t put it off any further.’ Apurv showed concern for Sia but didn’t look at Ritvik. Whenever he asked about Sia, he avoided eye contact.

  ‘Wow, brother, I don’t understand you guys. She keeps asking me if you have started preparing for the engineering entrance exam and you keep asking me about her fashion designing. Why don’t you both simply put your egos aside and talk to each other? Am I a postman?’ Ritvik shook his head thinking how impossible his two friends were to deal with.

  ‘No, I don’t want to talk to her. She wanted to end the friendship and I accepted her decision. If she wants to talk to me, she can do so.’

  They got up as it was time for rehearsal. As they walked out, Ritvik said, ‘Please mark my words about Amyra. It’s high time now.’ He was sure that Apurv still cared about Sia. However, he knew that Apurv wouldn’t initiate a conversation. He thought of requesting Sia to do so. He was ready to do all that was needed but neither of them was ready to pull back.

  Ritvik was waiting for the right time to bring up the topic but he hardly got a chance during the rehearsals because Apurv was with Amyra all the time and Sia was not in a state to open up. But as soon as the rehearsals ended and they reached the nearby mall, he decided to ask her indirectly. ‘Did you talk to your parents?’

  ‘I did, but they are still quite adamant. I need to prove myself to them somehow.’

  ‘I have already taken care of it. At the next rehearsal, the seniors will talk to you about it. You will be in charge of the costume designs for the play along with a few delegates to help you out. You also need to create an Instagram account. You can’t do the tailoring work but at least you have ideas that you
can share.’

  Sia was taken aback and kissed him then and there.

  ‘I am so lucky to have you.’

  Ritvik put his arms around her and tightened his grip to show his affection. Sia loved his scent but before she could say anything, he handed her a piece of paper.

  ‘Apurv gave this to me today. He wrote something for you when I told him that you were going to try convincing your parents. Please read it.’

  ‘Why the fuck did you have to spoil my mood? Aren’t you happy that all my time is for you? Apurv blamed me for the chaos in his life and you still want me to talk to him.’ Sia exploded without reading what was written on the paper.

  ‘Please just read it.’

  You are the edge of the water rolling up to the beach

  You know the struggle of the sand

  Your desires you may never reach,

  Yet you continue to conquer the lands.

  But I tell you now,

  Enjoy the climb, the feel and the fall

  Because secretly,

  You are the entire sea,

  and within you, you have it all.

  Sia was overwhelmed as she read the poem, but she didn’t show it. Instead, she tore the paper and threw it into the trash. She was angry, not because Ritvik was taking sides, but because Apurv couldn’t come up and speak to her directly.

  ‘It’s because of him that our relationship is at this stage. He had no place in my life the day he blamed me. I just don’t want to talk about him.’

  ‘Why don’t you accept that you still care about him? If his absence didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t have dumped his poem in the trash. Relationships don’t function like this. Why don’t you just go and talk to him?’

  ‘Is it so difficult to understand that I have moved on?’

  ‘No, that’s where the problem lies. You haven’t moved on. Also, it was your idea to end everything, right? Now can’t you just go back and tell him you were wrong? You shouldn’t have said that.’

  ‘That’s great. If he really was my friend, he would have stayed away from Amyra. Look at what he got in return. Just because I asked him to end it, he didn’t have to. I don’t want him back unless he talks straight to my face.’

  Ritvik couldn’t understand why people were so complicated. Both Sia and Apurv were adamant and ready to end the relationship but they couldn’t put aside their egos.

  It was one of those nights when Apurv was lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling, letting his feelings run through his mind. The overwhelming emptiness reminded him of his loneliness. Despite being surrounded by everyone in college, he had no one to share his feelings with. Amyra was the one he talked to more often than anyone but he never shared how hurt he was because of her rejection. They went out for coffee, drinks, movies and long drives, but there was something missing in their relationship—the acceptance. That night, however, Apurv couldn’t suppress his feelings. He messaged her.

  I have never been mad at you. All that mattered to me was seeing you smile. We could talk about anything, from the most random topics to serious conversations. We did everything that a couple generally does, without calling it a relationship. I felt like we were close enough for me to ask you out on dates and try to work towards calling you mine. But every time the answer was no. Why don’t I deserve a chance? What is the worst that could happen? You waste a little bit of time? But you could be missing out on the best thing that might ever happen to you, because that’s what meeting you was for me.

  Amyra was quick to reply as she was watching a movie on her phone. The message didn’t irritate her but the way Apurv would open a closed chapter every now and then, hoping for a better climax, brought a smile to her face.

  Apurv, you are a sweetheart. Throw away these negative thoughts. Of course, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I don’t want to waste even a little bit of time. Don’t try to label it, let us just be the way we are. *Kisses* for your cuteness. See you tomorrow in college.

  With no clarity, his heart was slowly losing all hope. Emotionally, he was fragile. In his search for love, he had lost even his closest and most trustworthy friend.

  The next day, when he reached the campus, he saw Sia and Ritvik walking in his direction. Ritvik waved to greet him but Sia purposely looked down at her phone, pretending to text someone. Amyra was also in the same corridor, and every time she saw Apurv and Sia pass each other without talking, she felt guilty. She wanted to talk to Sia but she knew she wouldn’t take it well. Ritvik saw that pain in her eyes and decided to speak with her, hoping that she would sort things out. Later, after exchanging texts, they met in the library where no one could see them.

  ‘Are you aware of the things going on between Sia and Apurv?’ Ritvik whispered, pretending to read his notes.

  ‘I know and I feel guilty. I wouldn’t have shared the message with him if I knew it would end their friendship. But what can I do? I am helpless.’

  ‘Do you love someone else? Are you in a relationship with someone else?’ Ritvik asked, trying to find out the reason behind her not accepting Apurv’s proposal.

  ‘No, I am not. If you want to know the truth, let me tell it to you. I like Apurv, maybe even love him. Yes, I do. Just because I don’t admit it doesn’t mean I have no feelings for him. But I just don’t want to be in a relationship and hurt him later.’

  ‘What the fuck? You love him? Are you fucking serious?’ Ritvik was shocked because the sole reason behind this mess was Amyra friend-zoning Apurv and here she was confessing her love for him. Ritvik was outraged by what she was saying but, since they were in the library, he was forced to keep his voice down.

  ‘Yes, I do. But I don’t want a relationship. I trust you because you came here to sort things out between all of us. I hope that by revealing these things, you won’t mess it up further.’

  Ritvik got up and left as he couldn’t understand why Amyra would not accept her love for Apurv. If they were meant to be, what was stopping her? It couldn’t be Apurv’s friendship with Sia because she was equally hurt by that ending. Or was it really because of the insecurity that comes with every relationship? Ultimately, nothing went Ritvik’s way although he tried his best.

  Inside she’s a wreck,

  When you see her she looks perfectly fine

  Deep down her mind is a mess,

  When she’s with you she looks happy

  But she’s alone; fragile,

  The girl with broken dreams; defeated by destiny

  She wants to escape from the people around,

  To a city unknown

  And perhaps one day,

  When you ask her ‘Are you okay?’

  For once, she’ll say, ‘I’m fine.’

  And it wouldn’t

  Be a lie.

  It’s Not Funny Any More

  Two months later:

  I keep writing these poems,

  emptying my heart out on paper,

  thinking somehow

  this will make it feel less hollow,

  thinking someday

  these words won’t be so tortured,

  but every scratch of my pen,

  every patch of black or blue

  confessing something that just

  didn’t fit right

  looks so vacant,

  and everything I say

  is starting to sound the same.

  I am pulling words from a thesaurus,

  trying to rephrase the ache into something

  I haven’t felt before these past few months,

  trying to justify

  why I haven’t been able to fix this yet

  talking myself into a frenzy

  this ink is gasoline

  and combustion

  is something with which I am all too familiar!

  Gasping, Apurv wiped the sweat off his forehead with his sleeve as he submitted the voice-over poem to the seniors for the play. In the past two months, Sia had drifted away from him while he had become im
mune to the pain he felt every time he was with Amyra. Ritvik didn’t disclose anything, keeping his word to Amyra, but her absurd behaviour these past few weeks disturbed everyone. It was not that she was arrogant or giving people attitude, but she wasn’t able to recollect things that she earlier had at her fingertips, giving the impression that she was doing it on purpose. She had forgotten about the class before and had once mentioned forgetting her way back home, but in the past couple of weeks things had become very strange.

  ‘Amyra, what’s wrong with you. You are repeatedly forgetting the lines,’ the seniors yelled at her.

  ‘I don’t know. I am trying my best.’ Amyra was almost sobbing.

  ‘You have stopped concentrating. Earlier you would forget a few lines, but now you are unable to remember entire scenes. Tomorrow, you won’t remember your role. This will not work. We don’t have much time now.’

  ‘It’s okay, don’t worry,’ Apurv interrupted as he saw the sadness in her eyes. ‘Do you want me to change your lines to something easier?’

  ‘No, it’s fine. I’ll manage.’

  No one understood what was wrong with Amyra, but Apurv sensed it was something terrible. She not only forgot her dialogues, but also her classes on a regular basis, and once her chemistry test. The next day, she actually forgot her role in the play. Apurv tried to help her remember but her memory was foggy. Apurv asked for some time alone with her and took her to the college canteen where they ordered a coffee and sat at a table away from everyone. There were not a lot of students because it was a weekend.