Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5)

by Amy Clipston

  Once breakfast was complete, Dat kissed Mamm and headed outside to catch his ride. Lydia’s heart sank when her father left without saying good-bye to her.

  While Irma and Titus went to brush their teeth and retrieve their school bags, Lydia began cleaning up the dishes. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see her mother’s sad smile.

  “He does love you, Lydia,” Mamm said as if reading Lydia’s thoughts. “He’s just hurt. You need to give him time to get over it.”

  “What about you?” Lydia asked. “Are you still angry with me?”

  “No.” Mamm pulled her into a warm hug. “I understand how you feel.”

  “You do?” Lydia asked, searching her mother’s face.

  “Ya.” She touched Lydia’s prayer covering. “You’ve had to shoulder a lot of the stress with Ruthie’s illness, and I’m very proud of you for how well you handled things while I was gone. You’re sixteen, but you’re still young in my eyes. You’re too young to run a family on your own, but you did it well.”

  “Danki,” Lydia whispered. For the first time since her argument with her father, Lydia felt hope swell within her. Maybe things could return to normal.

  “What you said to your father hurt him, but I realize you only said it out of frustration. I know your father realizes that, but he’s still upset. He can be very stubborn and set in his ways, and you have to give him time to work through his feelings.”

  “I don’t know what to do or how to handle it all.” Lydia gestured toward the table. “I’ve cried and I’ve prayed every night, asking God what to do. I’ve made his favorite dishes and handled all of the chores I could. I did Titus’s chores this morning thinking it might get Dat’s attention. But he still won’t talk to me or look at me except to frown. I’ve even tried to talk to him, but he either doesn’t answer or walks away. What else can I do besides get down on my knees and beg for his forgiveness?”

  Mamm gave her a little smile. “Just keep being yourself and helping out as much as you can. He will forgive you and talk to you in his own time.”

  “Yes, Mamm.”

  “I’ve spoken to him about it, and he told me to worry about Ruthie and let him work through this with you.” She shook her head. “I can’t force him to talk to you, but I will keep reminding him that the way he’s treating you is causing more anxiety in this haus than we need.”

  “Danki, Mamm.” Lydia hugged her again.

  “Go get ready for school and I’ll finish up the dishes,” her mother said.

  “But what about Ruthie?” Lydia asked. “Don’t you need to get her ready for the doctor?”

  “I have time,” Mamm said, carrying the dirty dishes to the sink. “She was up most of the night, so I’m letting her sleep. I’ll go up in a little bit to get her dressed and bring her down for some breakfast.” She gestured toward the door leading to the family room. “Go or you’ll be late to school.”

  As she climbed the stairs to gather up her bag, she sent up a silent prayer, asking God to please soften her father’s heart toward her.

  “The kinner’s play was wunderbaar,” Anna Glick said Friday while standing by the folding table and unwrapping the lunchmeat. “I can’t believe the school year is over.”

  “I know,” Lydia agreed. “It’s gone by so quickly.” She opened a jar of pickles. “It seems like only yesterday I was helping Barbie dust off the desks in preparation for the first day.”

  A crowd of children and parents milled about on the lush green pasture next to the schoolhouse to celebrate the last day of school. Lydia had helped Barbie write the skits the children had practiced and presented to the parents. Although Lydia was still stressed about the situation with her father, she’d enjoyed helping the children prepare for the play. She’d smiled and laughed along with the parents while the children performed. Watching the children show off all they’d learned was Lydia’s favorite part of teaching.

  “Ya.” Anna frowned. “I’m sorry that your mamm couldn’t make it.”

  “Danki,” Lydia said as she straightened the utensils. “Ruthie has been running a fever, so she was afraid to bring her out.” She forced a smile. “But I’m certain Irma will provide her every detail of the day.”

  Anna chuckled. “Ya, she will do that for certain!”

  “Thank you all for coming today,” Barbie called while standing near the crowd. “We’ve had a wunderbaar year here at school, and I want to thank you for allowing Lydia and me to teach your kinner.” She motioned for Lydia to come stand next to her.

  Lydia felt her cheeks heat as she moved over to Barbie, who placed her arm around Lydia’s shoulders.

  “Lydia and I are very blessed to be your kinner’s teachers,” Barbie began. “I want to thank Lydia for her hard work this year. She was a wunderbaar gut helper, and the kinner love her, right, scholars?”

  The children cheered, and Lydia felt her eyes fill with tears. She nodded a thank-you to the children.

  Barbie turned to the bishop. “Would you please say a blessing so we can enjoy the food everyone brought to share?”

  Bishop Chupp gave thanks for the food and the beautiful weather. Once he was finished, the children and parents made their way through the line, loading up their plates with food before taking a seat on quilts spread out on the ground for their informal picnic.

  Lydia filled her plate and sat on a blanket with Titus and Irma. She was surprised when Barbie joined them since Barbie normally liked to mingle with the parents to avoid showing favor to any one family.

  They talked about the weather and the speed at which the year passed. Irma shared her assessment of the year and Titus rolled his eyes while she spoke.

  Once the children were finished eating, they deposited their used plates and utensils in a trash can and ran off to the playground.

  “How’s Ruthie?” Barbie picked up a handful of chips from her plate.

  Lydia shook her head. “To be honest, I’m not certain. She’s been to the doctor’s twice this week, but she’s still running a fever. My mamm is very worried, and she’s in constant contact with the doctor. I fear Ruthie will be headed back to the hospital soon.”

  Barbie frowned with concern. “I’ve been thinking of Ruthie and your family. I’ll continue to keep her in my prayers.”

  “Danki,” Lydia said with a sigh. “I appreciate it very much.”

  “Does she have to have more treatments?” Barbie asked, lifting her cup of water.

  “Ya,” Lydia said. “She will have to go back to the hospital soon for another round of treatments, but she has to be well enough to get them.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” Barbie said. “I’m also sorry your parents couldn’t be here today to see the kinner perform.”

  “Ya, I was too, but they’ll get an earful from Irma tonight,” Lydia said with a smile. “My dat has been working long hours, and my mamm doesn’t want to leave Ruthie with anyone since she knows her moods best.”

  “I understand.” Barbie moved closer and smiled. “I want to speak with you in private later. I have something to share.”

  “Okay. That will be fine.”

  Barbie stood. “I’m going to go talk with the other parents. We’ll catch up after everyone is gone.”

  Lydia finished her lunch and gathered up the dirty plates she found sitting on neighboring blankets. Then she moved to the food table where she wrapped up leftovers.

  She made small talk with parents for the next hour, but her mind was stuck on Barbie’s request to speak to her alone. She had a feeling she knew what the news would be—Barbie must’ve gotten engaged and was going to tell Lydia to request the position as the full-time teacher.

  Her stomach knotted at the thought. Was she ready to be a full-time teacher? But what about helping out at the bakery? Her grandmother counted on her to help on her days away from the classroom. Lydia felt stuck between two opportunities, almost as if she were at a crossroads. Part of her wanted to bake full time and not be cooped up with two d
ozen children all day, every weekday. And yet, another part of her was excited about the idea of being in charge of the classroom. Where did she belong?

  She looked around the playground where the children played softball, swung on the swing set, laughed in groups, and whipped down the slide. Was she even the right candidate to teach these children? They depended on her to teach the Ordnung and morality, along with reading, writing, and arithmetic. What did she know about morality when she’d gotten drunk with Mahlon and his friends, lost her friendships with Tristan and Joshua, and caused heartache for her parents?

  The questions continued to haunt her while she helped the mothers clean up the picnic luncheon and then bid them good-bye. Once everything was straightened, Lydia and Barbie moved into the schoolhouse, where they finished preparing to close the school for the summer.

  “I’ve spoken to the school board about the roof and how it leaks during a bad rainstorm,” Barbie said while gathering up her books and placing them into her bag. “They said they will repair it over the summer.”

  Lydia smiled. “That’s gut.”

  Barbie motioned toward the first row of desks. “Let’s sit and talk for a moment.”

  Lydia sank into a desk chair next to Barbie and her anticipation swelled. “What did you want to discuss?”

  “Stephen asked me to marry him last night!” Barbie’s grin was wide, and her cheeks flushed a bright pink.

  “Oh, Barbie!” Lydia exclaimed, hugging her. “That is wunderbaar gut! I’m so froh for you!”

  “Danki,” Barbie said, wiping tears from her eyes. “I can’t believe how froh I am.” She cleared her throat. “It’s a secret right now, but I wanted you to know so you can talk to the school board when you’re ready.”

  “Okay. I’ll start thinking about what I want to do.”

  Barbie looked surprised. “I thought we talked about this, and you decided you want to be the teacher.”

  “I know, but I’m still having some doubts.”

  Barbie touched Lydia’s arm. “You’ll be a wunderbaar teacher. Don’t doubt yourself so much. The scholars love you, and it would be easier for you to transition in than for someone from another district.” She glanced at the clock and then jumped up. “I didn’t realize how late it is. I need to get home. I’m making supper for my grandparents tonight.” She grabbed her bag and started for the door. “I’ll see you Sunday at service.”

  Lydia smiled. “I’ll see you. Go on, and I’ll lock up. Congratulations again. Please tell Stephen congratulations for me.”

  “Danki. I will.” Barbie waved and then headed out into the sunshine.

  Standing, Lydia moved to the front of the classroom and imagined herself as the teacher, calling the students up to complete math problems on the board and teaching the first graders how to write in English. Her shoulders tensed, and her stomach ached at the thought of being responsible for the children and their education. How could she possibly take that on?

  She gathered up her supplies and headed home. She was relieved when she found her grandmother sitting on the porch and drinking meadow tea.

  “Wie geht’s?” Mammi asked as Lydia sank onto the swing beside her.

  “I’m fine,” Lydia replied, dropping her bag onto the porch with a thud. “I’m surprised to see you here this afternoon.”

  Her grandmother smiled. “Your mamm used the phone in your family’s phone shanty and called me at the bakery. She said she really needed to take a nap and asked me to come watch over Ruthie. She was afraid she wouldn’t wake up if Ruthie needed her. They’re both sleeping now, and Irma and Titus are taking care of their chores.”

  “That’s gut,” Lydia said with a yawn. “I wish you could’ve been there today to see the kinner’s play. It was really cute.”

  “I know,” Mammi said with a frown. “I’d hoped to come and surprise you and your siblings, but I couldn’t leave your mamm.”

  “I understand.” Lydia smoothed her blue dress over her legs. “The weather is schee.”

  “Ya, it is,” Mammi said, her expression turning more serious. “You look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your slight shoulders. Would you like to discuss something while your siblings are occupied?”

  “That would be nice.” Lydia stared off across the pasture at the dandelions dancing in the gentle breeze. “I’m conflicted about something, and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Go on.”

  “How do you know if you’re on the path God has chosen for you?” She turned to her grandmother. “I’ve been contemplating it and praying about it, but I’m still confused.”

  Mammi rubbed her chin while deep in thought. “I would say that you know you’re on the right path when what you’re doing feels right.”

  “That makes sense,” Lydia said, nodding slowly. “But I’m not certain I would know if it felt right. I keep wondering if I’m missing that feeling. How do I know for sure?”

  Mammi tilted her head in question. “Does this have anything to do with being a teacher?”

  Lydia bit her bottom lip and considered sharing all her thoughts. “Can you keep a secret, Mammi?”

  “Of course I can.” She placed her glass of meadow tea on the table beside her. “You can tell me anything and it will be kept between me and God.”

  “Barbie told me Stephen asked her to marry him,” Lydia said. “She wants me to talk to the school board about being their teacher next year. Even though the board normally chooses a new teacher from another district, she thinks they will seriously consider me. But I don’t know if I’m the right person for the job.”

  “Why not?” Mammi asked. “You love teaching, don’t you?”

  “But I love working at the bakery too, and you need me there.” Lydia folded her hands in her lap. “I don’t want to leave you when you need the bakers to keep up with the tourists.”

  Mammi touched Lydia’s cheek. “You’re such a sweet maedel. You don’t have to turn down a full-time teaching opportunity for the bakery. I’ll make do. Of course we’ll miss you, but I can find another baker to take your place if the Lord leads you to the teaching position.”

  “That’s not all,” Lydia said softly. “I don’t think in my heart that I’m the right person for the job.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I just don’t know if I would be the best role model for the scholars,” Lydia said.

  Mammi chuckled and swatted Lydia’s leg. “Oh, you’re so gegisch, Lydia. You’re a fine role model. You’re just naerfich, but you’ll know what to do. You’ve been the assistant for two years now. Teaching will be as familiar as putting on an old sweater after a month or two. It will come naturally to you.”

  Lydia gazed toward the pasture and considered telling her grandmother about her indiscretion with Mahlon, about how she’d ruined her friendships with Tristan and Joshua, and about hurting her parents. But she knew it would break her grandmother’s heart to know she’d strayed so far from the Ordnung.

  Turning back to her grandmother, Lydia rubbed her neck where the tension seemed to gather.

  “You should pray about it,” Mammi said, and Lydia could feel the knot in her neck tighten. “The Lord will give you the answer, and you’ll suddenly wake up one day knowing you’re meant to be the teacher or that you’re meant to work in the bakery. God will present the response to you when he’s ready, and you’ll know.”

  “Okay,” Lydia said. “I will.” I just hope God gives me a clear answer.

  “I came across a verse this morning when I was reading,” Mammi said. “It’s from Hebrews and it goes like this: ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

  Lydia let the Scripture roll through her mind. “God chooses our path, and he will reveal it to me when he’s ready and I’m ready to know it.”

  “That’s right,” Mammi said, patt
ing Lydia’s hands. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Lydia. Just open your heart in prayer, and let him guide you.”

  “I will, Mammi,” Lydia whispered. “I will.”

  19

  Sunday morning, Lydia stood in the doorway of Ruthie’s room and watched her mother rock her baby sister while she coughed a deep, barky cough that seemed to originate down by her toes.

  “Go on to church,” Mamm said, waving toward the door. “I told your father we will be just fine, and I meant it.”

  Lydia hesitated and gripped the doorframe. “I don’t feel right about leaving you, Mamm. Ruthie doesn’t sound well, and you were up all night with her. I heard her coughing and you talking to her. Why don’t you let me call a driver, and we’ll take her to the emergency room? I’ll go with you and help.”

  Mamm shook her head. “I know you’re worried, and I appreciate it. But we’ll be fine. She has a scheduled doctor’s appointment tomorrow. We’ll keep that appointment instead of paying for an ER visit. We simply don’t have the money for both.”

  “Lydia!” Titus called from downstairs. “Are you coming to service? Dat says we need to leave.”

  “Go on,” Mamm repeated. “You can come check on me after the service, ya?”

  “Ya,” Lydia agreed, although she still had a bad feeling creeping up her spine. “I’ll pray for you and Ruthie.” She hurried down the stairs and found Titus, Irma, and her father standing by the door. “I was just checking on Mamm. I’m worried about her and Ruthie. I tried to convince her to let me call a ride and take her to the hospital, but Mamm refuses.”

  “I know,” Dat said, sounding frustrated. “Let’s go before we’re late.”

  “At least we only have to walk across the pasture for the service,” Irma said as they descended the porch stairs. “It’s fun to be only next door.”