Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5)

by Amy Clipston

  “I agree,” Lydia said. “We can check on Mamm after the service.”

  “That’s a gut idea,” Dat said.

  Lydia couldn’t stop her smile. For the first time since their argument, her father had complimented her and acknowledged her opinion. Was he finally softening toward her? Had the prayers asking God to change her father’s heart finally paid off?

  They approached Joshua’s house and the sea of buggies parked by the pasture came into view. A line of horses and buggies still moved up the rock driveway from the main road, crunching their wheels on the rocks on their way toward the barn.

  As Lydia and her family moved toward the driveway, she saw familiar faces she’d known since birth. She greeted family members and friends on her way to the barn, where the service would be held since the weather was warm.

  Glancing up at the sky, she saw foreboding dark clouds gathering in the distance. She hoped that it wouldn’t rain and limit the fellowship to inside the barn after the service.

  She heard the rocks crunch as someone ran up behind her.

  “Wie geht’s!” Amanda called, coming up behind Lydia.

  “I’m fine,” Lydia said with a shrug. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m well. Danki.” Amanda hugged Lydia. “It’s so gut to see you.” Her smiled faded. “Was iss letz?”

  Lydia shook her head. “It’s Ruthie. She had a very bad night. My mamm was up with her, trying to settle her down all night long. I never slept either, thinking about them.” She looked over at a group of young children playing outside the barn. “I just wish she was healthy and life could return to normal.”

  With a sad smile, Amanda touched her shoulder. “I know. I’ll pray with you today.”

  “Danki.” Lydia said. “I’m so blessed to have you in my life.”

  They greeted more friends and family members, and Nancy approached them with a few of her friends. Joining Nancy and her group, Amanda and Lydia headed toward their section of the congregation. Lydia sat between Amanda and Nancy.

  Glancing across the barn, Lydia wished she could see her mother sitting with her aunts. She missed having her whole family at the service.

  The congregation began singing the hymns, and Lydia joined in, doing her best to focus on the words. Then the minister began the first sermon, and Lydia tried to find meaning to comfort her heart. His holy message, however, was lost to her. All she could contemplate were her worries for her sister and mother.

  A tap on her shoulder startled her. Glancing over, she found Nancy leaning in close with a concerned expression on her face.

  “Was iss letz?” Nancy whispered. “You look so distressed that your knuckles are turning white.”

  “I’ve been praying for Ruthie,” Lydia said softly. “She had a very bad night.”

  Nancy frowned. “I will pray extra hard too today and tonight as well.”

  “Danki,” Lydia said.

  Amanda leaned over and whispered in Lydia’s ear. “Remember what Mammi always tells us when we’re worried or upset.” She squeezed her hand. “Trust in God’s will. He’ll take gut care of her. Put all of your burdens on him.”

  “I will,” Lydia said, closing her eyes again. She tried to lay her burdens on God, but the tense feeling never left her shoulders.

  The first sermon ended, and Lydia knelt in silent prayer along with the rest of the congregation. After the prayers, the deacon read from the Scriptures and then the hour-long main sermon began. Lydia felt someone staring at her, and she looked across the barn toward the young unmarried men. Her gaze scanned the sea of faces until they focused on Joshua, who was studying her while sitting between his brother, Joey, and her brother, Titus. Joshua’s eyes were full of an intensity that caused her stomach to flip-flop.

  Lydia wondered what Joshua was thinking and what had caused him to stare at her that way. Was he still angry with her? She’d spent nights thinking of him and wishing she could redo the conversation they’d shared in front of the barn more than a week ago.

  Then another thought struck her: Perhaps the intense stare meant something completely different. Maybe he wanted to apologize and work to rebuild their friendship. Maybe he missed her as much as she missed him. She hoped he could find it in his heart to forgive her. Her cheeks flared with embarrassment, and she turned her eyes toward the deacon while he continued his sermon.

  Lydia tried in vain to force her focus onto the sermon, but her thoughts wandered from her sister to her mother to Joshua and then to Tristan. She missed Tristan’s friendship and hoped that someday they could be friends without the negative consequences of her community.

  The deacon wrapped up his sermon and directed everyone to kneel for the prayer. Opening her heart, Lydia did her best to lay her burdens at the feet of God, asking him to relieve all of the stresses that were knotted in her shoulders. When the prayer was over, Lydia and the rest of the congregation stood for the benediction, and the closing hymn was sung.

  While the men began converting the benches into tables for lunch, Lydia, Amanda, and Nancy followed the rest of the women headed into the house to gather up the food from the kitchen and bring it to the barn for the lunchtime meal.

  As Lydia walked, friends and relatives stopped her to ask how Ruthie was and to ask why her mother didn’t make it to the service. Lydia tried to sound upbeat and hopeful, and breathed a sigh of relief when she made it to the kitchen and was able to fetch a tray filled with condiments, including mustard, mayonnaise, and relish. But when she delivered it out to the tables filled with food in the barn, she was subjected to more questions.

  “Are you okay?” Amanda asked, placing her homemade bread next to Lydia’s tray. “You looked upset while you were telling everyone about Ruthie.”

  “I’m fine,” Lydia said, pushing the ribbons from her prayer covering behind her shoulders. “Did I really look upset? I was trying my best to seem positive.”

  Amanda touched Lydia’s arm. “You weren’t ever a very good liar.”

  Lydia snorted. “I’ve heard that a lot lately,” she muttered.

  Amanda glanced around the barn and her expression turned devious.

  “What are you thinking?” Lydia asked with interest.

  “No one is paying any attention to us, right?” Amanda asked.

  “Right,” Lydia said.

  “Why don’t we quickly make our plates and go find a quiet place to sit away from everyone?” Amanda suggested. “No one has to know that we didn’t serve the food. Plenty of young women are around to help the men get what they need. You look like you really need to just relax.”

  “That sounds wunderbaar.” Lydia started for the food table. “Let’s do it.”

  They filled their plates and headed outside, moving toward a spot under some trees next to a small pond. They sank into the green, lush grass, and Lydia breathed a sigh of relief. This was exactly what she needed.

  Amanda bit into a piece of cheese. “Now, tell me everything that’s upsetting you.”

  “There’s so much,” Lydia said with a sigh. “I’ve been so worried about Ruthie, but that’s not all. I had a horrible argument with my dat last week.”

  Amanda’s eyes rounded. “You didn’t tell me.”

  “I was too embarrassed,” Lydia said. “The argument is why I can’t go to youth gatherings anymore. I’m grounded for the rest of my life, I think.”

  “I’d wondered why you didn’t make it to the gathering last Sunday. I had assumed Ruthie was sick, and your mamm needed your help.” Amanda shook her head while looking surprised. “What happened with your dat?”

  Lydia bit into a pickle and then told Amanda how she came home from Tristan’s house and argued with Joshua and then her father. But she left out the part where Joshua shared that he found out about her secret from Mahlon.

  Amanda listened silently, her eyes wide with shock.

  “That’s why I’ve been so upset lately,” Lydia continued. “I feel as if in the last week I’ve lost my father, Joshua,
and my friendship with Tristan.”

  Looking empathic, Amanda lifted her cup of meadow tea. “I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I had no idea you were going through so much. Have you apologized to your dat?”

  “I’ve tried,” Lydia said lifting her cup. “Nothing has worked.” She took a drink and then put the cup back on the ground beside her.

  “That has to hurt your feelings,” Amanda said between bites of a peanut butter sandwich.

  “It has,” Lydia said, forking her red beets. “But I spoke with my mamm about it, and she suggested I just keep doing what I’m doing, and let him come around in his own time. I’ve been praying about it, which is helping me work through my guilt.”

  “Praying is likely the best thing for you and your dat,” Amanda said. “It sounds like he was very upset, so it may take him longer to get over it.”

  Lydia chewed her beets. “My mamm said the same thing, and I think you’re both right. In fact, this morning was the first time he treated me normally. I think maybe the Lord is softening his heart.”

  Amanda picked up a pickle. “That’s gut news.” She tilted her head. “What about Joshua?”

  “I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since our argument.” Lydia sighed.

  “You’re always so negative.” Amanda wagged a finger at her. “Maybe you cleared the air on some things that needed to be said. Just give him time to think about it.”

  “It’s not that simple, Amanda.” Lydia shook her head. She wished she could tell Amanda the whole truth and share about the night with Mahlon, but she worried about what Amanda thought of her. Also, if Amanda felt the obligation to tell an adult, then Lydia would be in more trouble. If the secret got out, it would cause more stress for her father. Although Lydia knew she would deserve the punishment, she couldn’t add to her parents’ problems.

  “Like I said earlier,” Amanda began with a mouth full of pickle, “you’re always so negative. You look for the worst possible scenario and go with it.” She smiled. “If your parents let you go to a youth gathering, maybe you can get him to drive you and take you home. That would give you plenty of time to talk in private and work through the things that upset you both, ya?”

  Lydia shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m grounded, remember? I don’t see how I could convince my dat to let me go to a gathering after the awful things I said to him.”

  “We’re taught to forgive,” Amanda said. “Your dat will forgive you.”

  Lydia glanced toward her house. “I really should go check on my mamm and Ruthie.”

  “Finish your lunch first,” Amanda said. “Once we’re done, I’ll walk over with you. I’d love to see your mamm and Ruthie. It’s been awhile.”

  “Okay,” Lydia said, chewing a piece of peanut butter and fluff. “But we should hurry up.”

  “So, you aren’t talking to your English freind anymore?” Amanda asked.

  Lydia shook her head. “We had words a couple of weeks ago. I told him the perception of our friendship wasn’t gut for me. He was really offended, and I can’t blame him. The English don’t need to worry about perception as much as we do. They don’t have all the pressures either.”

  Amanda looked at Lydia with a curious expression. “How close were you to Tristan?”

  Lydia shrugged. “We talked occasionally, but Barbie warned me to stay away from him. She said it might ruin my chances of becoming teacher next year.”

  “Next year?” Amanda grinned. “She’s engaged?”

  Lydia groaned and covered her face with her hand. “Oh no. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.”

  “Don’t worry,” Amanda began with the wave of her hand. “Your secret is safe with me. You must be so excited! You could be a teacher.”

  “I could be,” Lydia emphasized the word. “There’s a chance that I won’t be. They may want someone from another district, and I’ll either have to stay on as assistant or go to another district. On top of that, I don’t know what I want to do.”

  Amanda’s expression changed to surprise. “Don’t you want to be teacher? I thought that was your goal.”

  Lydia hesitated. “I’m not certain what my goal has been. I just knew I wanted to help out at the schoolhouse and work in the bakery.” She placed her plate with half of her lunch uneaten onto the grass beside her. “I’m just not ready to make that decision.”

  “You should be ready because Barbie has made her decision.” Amanda glanced across the pasture. “There’s the volleyball net going up. The buwe are so predictable.”

  Lydia studied Joshua and again wondered what his intense

  stare had meant during the service. He looked over at her, and she quickly looked away, focusing on Amanda’s clean plate. “Are you done? Can we go check on my mamm?”

  “Ya,” Amanda said, standing. “That’s a gut idea.”

  They brushed off their skirts, picked up their plates and cups, and headed toward the trash cans lined up by the barn.

  “Lydia! Lydia!” A voice hollered. “Lydia, dummle!”

  Turning, Lydia found Irma running toward her at top speed. Her face was panic-stricken when she reached her. “Lydia, you have to come fast,” she said while panting. “Dat, Titus, and I went to check on Mamm. We couldn’t find you to ask you to come with us. We got to the house, and we found Mamm in the bathroom running the hot shower trying to help Ruthie breathe.”

  Lydia gasped and her heart thudded in her chest. “Ruthie can’t breathe?”

  “No,” Irma said, grabbing her hand. “Kumm. Titus ran to the phone shanty to call nine-one-one. The rescue squad is on the way. We need you to come home now. Dummle!”

  “Go!” Amanda said, taking Lydia’s plate. “I’ll go tell Mammi and my mamm and dat. We’ll meet you there.”

  With her heart in her throat, Lydia took Irma’s hand and ran across the pasture, pulling her little sister along beside her.

  20

  The rescue squad should be here soon, ya?” Titus asked while pacing on the front porch.

  “Ya,” Lydia said, doing her best to hold back tears. “They will be. Why don’t you sit down?” She patted the swing beside her. “The best thing we can do is stay here while Mamm and Dat hold Ruthie by the shower.”

  “I can’t sit,” Titus said through gritted teeth while he continued to walk back and forth in front of the railing. “I just can’t.”

  Irma sniffed and climbed onto Lydia’s lap. “I’m scared, Lydia. What if the rescue squad doesn’t get here in time? Mamm said that Ruthie’s lips were turning blue.”

  “She’ll be just fine,” Lydia said, even though she was inwardly frantic about her sister. She has to be okay. She just has to! Glancing behind her, she saw a large group of friends and relatives heading across the pasture toward her house, and her heart warmed.

  Sirens blasted in the distance and quickly came closer and closer.

  “They’re here!” Titus yelled, starting for the stairs as the ambulance rumbled up the driveway with the lights flashing but the sirens now turned off.

  “Wait!” Lydia said, putting Irma down and following him to the steps. “We have to stay back and out of their way, ya? We have to let them do their job.”

  Her father rushed out the door and down the steps to the ambulance. Titus ran after him, but Lydia held Irma back.

  “Why can’t I go see the ambulance?” Irma asked with a scowl.

  “We have to let Dat talk to them,” Lydia said, keeping her voice calm despite the worry surging through her. “It’s best if we stay up here.”

  Her father spoke to the driver and then pointed toward the other side of the house. The driver nodded and the ambulance rumbled forward.

  Her father then climbed the steps, his eyes full of distress. “I told them to come to the back of the house. I think it will be easier for them to bring their equipment in and out through the back door.” He gestured toward the group of church members heading up the driveway to the porch. “Please ask everyone to stay in the kitchen and out of the way of t
he EMTs. I don’t want anyone getting in their way, ya?”

  “I understand,” Lydia said. “I’ll keep everyone back.”

  Dat disappeared through the front door, and Titus stayed behind, nervously twisting his straw hat in his hands.

  “Let’s go into the kitchen,” Lydia told her siblings. “But remember what Dat said—we don’t go any farther than the kitchen doorway.”

  They waited in the kitchen, standing near the doorway, while four men and women in matching uniforms filed into the house and followed their father into the bathroom. Lydia stood with her arms around Irma and Titus while one of the EMTs talked to her parents and then performed tests on Ruthie. Then they left and came back with a gurney and asked more questions.

  Lydia’s body trembled with fear for her baby sister. She felt as if her life was being turned upside down again. Just when she thought things would get better, her sister’s illness was tearing their house apart once more. Will this ever end? Will Ruthie ever be healed? Will life ever be normal?

  “How are you?” a voice asked in Lydia’s ear.

  Turning, she found her grandmother standing with her arms open. Lydia launched herself into her arms and held on tight.

  “She’s going to be fine, Lydia,” Mammi said softly in her ear. “Just have faith.”

  Her grandmother’s words gave her a momentary feeling of solace. She hoped her grandmother was right.

  “Mammi!” Irma called.

  Lydia stepped back and her grandmother hugged Irma and then Titus. Looking behind her, Lydia saw a group of family members filing into the kitchen, including her aunts, uncles, and cousins.

  “Lydia,” Mammi said. “Please come here. Your mother is asking for you.”

  Lydia rushed into the family room, where she found her mother looking jittery.

  “Lydia,” Mamm said. “I need you to listen to me carefully. They’re loading Ruthie into the ambulance right now. She has an oxygen mask on.” She took Lydia’s hand. “Your dat and I want to ride in the ambulance with her to keep her calm so that she can breathe better. I need you to get a ride and bring Titus and Irma to the hospital. Go ask your onkel Daniel to call his driver right now. Ask your mammi to ride with you. Do you understand?”