The Comedy of Errors
Page 22
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men and gives them suits of durance; he that sets up
his rest to do more exploits with his mace than a
morris-pike.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What, thou mean’st an
officer?
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DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, sir, the sergeant of the band:
he that brings any man to answer it that breaks his
band; one that thinks a man always going to bed and
says, ‘God give you good rest’.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, sir, there rest in your
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foolery. Is there any ships puts forth tonight? May
we be gone?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Why, sir, I brought you word an
hour since that the bark Expedition put forth tonight,
and then were you hindered by the sergeant to tarry
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for the hoy Delay. [Offers the purse.] Here are the
angels that you sent for to deliver you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
The fellow is distract, and so am I,
And here we wander in illusions –
Some blessed power deliver us from hence!
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Enter a Courtesan.
COURTESAN
Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.
I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now:
Is that the chain you promised me today?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, is this Mistress Satan?
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ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE It is the devil.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, she is worse, she is the
devil’s dam, and here she comes in the habit of a
light wench, and thereof comes that the wenches say,
‘God damn me’ – that’s as much to say, ‘God make
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me a light wench’. It is written they appear to men
like angels of light; light is an effect of fire, and fire
will burn: ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near her.
COURTESAN
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Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.
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Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, if you do, expect spoon-
meat, or bespeak a long spoon.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, he must have a long spoon
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that must eat with the devil.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE [to Courtesan]
Avoid then, fiend! What tell’st thou me of supping?
Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress;
I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.
COURTESAN
Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,
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Or for my diamond the chain you promised,
And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Some devils ask but the parings
of one’s nail, a rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,
a nut, a cherry-stone; but she, more covetous, would
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have a chain. Master, be wise: an if you give it her,
the devil will shake her chain and fright us with it.
COURTESAN
I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain;
I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Avaunt, thou witch! – Come, Dromio, let us go.
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DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
‘Fly pride’, says the peacock; mistress, that you know.
[Exeunt Antipholus and Dromio of Syracuse.]
COURTESAN
Now, out of doubt, Antipholus is mad,
Else would he never so demean himself.
A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,
And for the same he promised me a chain;
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Both one and other he denies me now.
The reason that I gather he is mad,
Besides this present instance of his rage,
Is a mad tale he told today at dinner
Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.
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Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,
On purpose shut the doors against his way.
My way is now to hie home to his house
And tell his wife that, being lunatic,
He rushed into my house and took perforce
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My ring away. This course I fittest choose,
For forty ducats is too much to lose. [Exit.]
[4.4]
Enter ANTIPHOLUS [OF EPHESUS, wearing the ring,]
with a jailer[, the Officer].
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Fear me not, man, I will not break away;
I’ll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money
To warrant thee as I am ’rested for.
My wife is in a wayward mood today
And will not lightly trust the messenger;
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That I should be attached in Ephesus,
I tell you ’twill sound harshly in her ears. –
Enter DROMIO [OF EPHESUS] with a rope’s end.
Here comes my man; I think he brings the money.
[to Dromio] How now, sir? Have you that I sent you for?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS [Offers the rope.]
Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
But where’s the money?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
/>
Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?
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DROMIO OF EPHESUS
To a rope’s end, sir, and to that end am I returned.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And ‘to that end’, sir, I will welcome you.
[Beats Dromio with the rope’s end.]
OFFICER Good sir, be patient.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, ’tis for me to be patient:
I am in adversity!
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OFFICER Good now, hold thy tongue.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, rather persuade him to hold
his hands.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou whoreson, senseless
villain! [Beats him.]
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DROMIO OF EPHESUS I would I were senseless, sir, that
I might not feel your blows.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou art sensible in nothing
but blows, and so is an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS I am an ass, indeed: you may
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prove it by my long ears. – I have served him from
the hour of my nativity to this instant and have
nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When
I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am
warm, he cools me with beating. I am waked with it
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when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of
doors with it when I go from home, welcomed home
with it when I return. Nay, I bear it on my shoulders
as a beggar wont her brat, and I think when he hath
lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.
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Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, Courtesan and
a schoolmaster called PINCH.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Mistress, respice finem, ‘respect
your end’; or rather, to prophesy like the parrot,
‘beware the rope’s end’.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Wilt thou still talk?
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Beats Dromio.
COURTESAN [to Adriana]
How say you now? Is not your husband mad?
ADRIANA
His incivility confirms no less.
– Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjuror:
Establish him in his true sense again,
And I will please you what you will demand.
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LUCIANA
Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!
COURTESAN
Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy.
PINCH
Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.
[Offers to strike Pinch.]
PINCH
I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,
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To yield possession to my holy prayers,
And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight;
I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Peace, doting wizard, peace; I am not mad.
ADRIANA
O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You minion, you, are these your customers?
Did this companion with the saffron face
Revel and feast it at my house today,
Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,
And I denied to enter in my house?
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ADRIANA
O husband, God doth know you dined at home,
Where would you had remained until this time,
Free from these slanders and this open shame.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
‘Dined at home’? [to Dromio] Thou, villain, what sayst thou?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.
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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Were not my doors locked up, and I shut out?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Perdie, your doors were locked, and you shut out.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And did not she herself revile me there?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Sans fable, she herself reviled you there.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt and scorn me?
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DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Certes she did; the kitchen vestal scorned you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And did not I in rage depart from thence?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
In verity, you did; – my bones bears witness,
That since have felt the vigour of his rage.
ADRIANA [to Pinch]
Is’t good to soothe him in these contraries?
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PINCH
It is no shame: the fellow finds his vein
And, yielding to him, humours well his frenzy.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS [to Adriana]
Thou hast suborned the goldsmith to arrest me.
ADRIANA
Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,