‘About… About what?’
‘About what’s upsetting you,’ he said.
‘I told you—I was just tired.’ Alex said quickly. She couldn’t bear to tell him here.
‘Alex, come clean.’ He strode across and turned her to face him. ‘I spoke to Ben and he assures me that he has nothing to do with it.’
‘I told you that, Justin!’ Alex cried. ‘You could at least have taken my word for it. Now I’m going to have a shower.’
‘You’re not going anywhere till we have this out. My God, you’ve been moping around for weeks, since the night I…’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Is that it, Alex? You’re not still angry about that night I was late home, the night I was discussing the tour with Dan Martin, are you? Because if you are…’
Alex shook her head. ‘Let’s leave it. I don’t want to talk about it now. I just want to have a shower.’
‘Well, I want to know what’s going on?’ Justin’s hand grabbed her arm, his fingers bruising her flesh.
‘There’s nothing going on.’ Alex’s voice rose. ‘And you’re hurting me!’
‘I’ll hurt you even more if this goes on much longer!’ Justin was almost shouting, oblivious of his family who could probably hear every word he was saying.
‘Justin, stop it! Your parents will hear you,’ Alex began.
‘To hell with that!’ he bit out, although he had lowered his voice a little. ‘We’re going to get this cleared up now. I don’t intend it to go on any longer. For the last time, Alex, what gives?’
All the fight went out of Alex and she stood quietly. ‘I’m pregnant,’ she said at last.
‘You’re what?’ he repeated in disbelief.
‘I’m going to have a baby.’ Alex watched his face carefully for his reaction.
Gradually he released his hold on her and stood back.
‘Justin? You’re not angry, are you?’ Alex got out.
‘Angry?’ he repeated. ‘I didn’t think… It never crossed my mind,’ he said almost to himself.
‘Justin?’
He turned to look at her then. ‘But we weren’t going to start a family for a couple of years.’
‘Don’t you want the baby?’ Alex forced the question out through lips stiff with shock.
‘It’s not that I want it or not. I just… Hell, Alex!’
‘You don’t want our child, do you?’ Alex threw at him, her body aching with despair. ‘Well, I do. And you can’t stop me, Justin. I don’t need you, I’ll have the baby without you!’ Her voice rose hysterically and she turned blindly, wrenching the door open, rushing headlong into the hall, scarcely aware of where she was going, only knowing she wanted to get away from him.
She knew he raced after her. She heard him call her name, but by then she was falling down the carpeted stairs, and she didn’t recall anything more until she woke up in the sterile whiteness of her hospital room, blinking at the young nurse who smiled down at her.
‘Good morning, Mrs de Wilde,’ she said quietly. ‘Your husband will be so pleased to see you awake.’
‘No. No!’ she cried, tossing about agitatedly. ‘No, I don’t want to see him. Don’t let him in here!’
The doctor was called and she was given something to calm her down and the next time she awoke the doctor himself was looking down at her. ‘How do you feel now, Mrs de Wilde?’
‘Floating,’ she said, and gladly accepted the glass of liquid the nurse held for her.
The doctor rubbed his hand over his jaw. ‘Do you remember waking up this morning?’ he asked.
Alex frowned. She remembered something. It was all so hazy. She’d been upset about something. What was it? Her hand went to her stomach and her eyes flew to the doctor’s face. ‘My baby? Is it all right? Have I had my baby?’ Her thoughts faded back and forth.
‘Now, now, none of that.’ The doctor took her hand, feeling for her pulse. ‘We can’t have you upsetting yourself again.’
A sensation of loss seeped into Alex’s numb body and she closed her eyes. ‘I’ve lost my baby, haven’t I?’ she asked flatly.
‘Now, Mrs de Wilde—’ the doctor began.
‘I’m all right, doctor. But please tell me. I’ve lost my baby, haven’t I?’
The doctor nodded. ‘I’m afraid so. We couldn’t save the child, but you’ve been a very lucky young woman. The fall down the steps didn’t do as much damage as it could have done and you’ll be able to have other children.’
Alex shook her head slowly, the whole thing coming back to her. Rushing away from Justin. All that went before her fall down the stairs. He hadn’t wanted the baby, and now he didn’t have to have it.
‘Your husband is very anxious to see you, Mrs de Wilde,’ the doctor said softly, and Alex turned her face into her pillow. ‘Mrs de Wilde, he’s been very worried about you. All your family have.’
‘I don’t want to see anyone,’ she said flatly.
‘Mrs de Wilde—’
‘I don’t want to see him,’ she repeated calmly, without expression.
There was a short silence. ‘All right.’ The doctor left and Alex lay with her face to the wall wishing fervently that she could have stayed in the oblivion of sedation.
Two days later Justin burst into her room with scant regard for the young nurse who tried to stop him. ‘My wife is going to see me if I have to cross swords with the Medical Superintendent!’ Alex heard him say, and then he was standing looking down at her.
‘I don’t want to talk to you, Justin,’ she said evenly, amazing herself at the complete calmness that allowed her to sit back against the pillows and regard him without feeling.
‘Well, I want to talk to you,’ he said, obviously controlling himself with difficulty. ‘Do you know how long I’ve waited out there for you to come to your senses? God, Alex, what are you trying to do to me?’
‘I’m not trying to do anything, Justin. I simply don’t want to talk to you, or see you, ever again.’ It was incredible how easy it was to say it. It was as though all feeling for him had died. She could look at him without one spark of the attraction she once felt. There was no tingling in the pit of her stomach.
‘Alex.’ He sat down on the bed and pulled her into his arms. ‘You don’t mean that. You’re not making sense. I love you.’
Her pulse beat normally. There was no catch in her breath at his handsomeness. There was nothing.
‘Let me go, Justin. It’s over. I don’t want you anymore, so please leave.’
He released her slowly and stood up, his eyes watching her. ‘Alex, I’m sorry about the baby. What more can I say?’ A flicker of pain passed over his features, but Alex was unmoved. ‘If I could turn back the clock, I would, believe me.’
‘I’m afraid it’s too late for that. Quite simply, I can look at you now and feel absolutely nothing—no love, no hate. I’m indifferent.’
At that moment the young nurse returned with two orderlies and Alex looked at them blandly. ‘My husband was just leaving.’
For a moment Justin looked murderous and then he turned on his heel and strode out of the room.
‘Are you all right, Mrs de Wilde?’ asked the young nurse anxiously.
‘I’m fine, nurse. In fact, I wonder if you’d tell Sister Green that I want to discharge myself as soon as possible.’
She flew to Brisbane next day, spending a couple of weeks with her aunt, her mother’s sister, until she felt recovered enough to look for a flat and a job. She knew Justin came to her parents to find her, but Alex had made them swear not to tell him where she was, and they had done as she asked and for six years she had shut Justin out of her life.
Chapter 14
Yes, the coldness of those years had gone now, had melted away, and there was no way she could delude herself into believing she was still indifferent to him. He had told
her he wanted a reconciliation and if she had been honest with herself from the beginning she would have admitted that she wanted it too.
Yet for some perverse reason she had pushed him away again and again, this time for probably the last time.
When she considered it rationally, she could see she had expected too much of him six years ago. She had sprung the fact that she was pregnant onto him, thinking he would be as ecstatic as she was, not considering he might be shocked, as he obviously had been. Wrapped in her fantasy world she hadn’t given him a second to come to terms with the fact he was to become a father. She had simply condemned him. And afterwards, she hadn’t even given him the opportunity to explain his feelings.
And Margot. He had never been interested in Margot and she doubted he ever would be. Deep down she knew that. So why had she done it?
Alex stood up and paced across the room in despair, her arms wrapped about herself.
Had she wanted her pound of flesh as he’d suggested, wanted to make him suffer the way she had? But in doing that she had only brought more pain on herself. Could it be too late to put things right between them? If she thought it would do any good she would ring Justin and tell him she had changed her mind, that she couldn’t contemplate facing life without him again, that her life alone stretched before her like a barren desert.
She would ring him. What did she have to lose? She dialed the number but the phone in Ben’s unit rang hollowly and no one came to answer it. More dejected than ever, Alex slowly replaced the receiver. He must still be in Brisbane with Margot.
Her hand remained resting on the telephone when the pealing of the instrument almost frightened her out of her wits, so much so that she was unable to speak when she put the receiver to her ear.
‘Alex? Is that you?’
‘Justin?’ Alex whispered breathlessly, not daring to believe the sound of his voice.
‘Alex, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. I’m down at the Southport Hospital. Dad’s had another attack.’
‘Oh, no. Is he…? How bad is it?’
‘We don’t know yet. Bad enough, I guess.’ His voice mirrored his concern. ‘He’s in intensive care. Ben and I are here with Mother.’
‘Do you want me to come down?’
There was a brief silence. ‘I think Mother would appreciate having you here, Alex,’ he said softly.
‘All right. The boys have borrowed my car, so I’ll get a taxi. I should be there in twenty minutes.’
‘Thanks, Alex. I’ll see you then.’
The next few hours were harrowing and throughout those dragging hours Alex sat beside her mother-in-law who clasped Alex’s hand tightly until Alex’s fingers went dead. And she watched Grace de Wilde grow old before her eyes. Ben sat quietly while Justin paced intermittently, his brow furrowed, the lines on either side of his mouth etched deeply with fatigue and tension.
When a white-coated young doctor came into the room the four of them stepped forward together, like puppets pulled on the end of the same string. In those first few seconds Alex noticed subconsciously that the doctor had kindly eyes behind his horn-rimmed spectacles and then she realised he was smiling faintly.
‘Mr de Wilde is resting comfortably now,’ he said, and Grace broke down and wept on Alex’s shoulder.
As she tried to soothe her mother-in-law Alex’s eyes went to Justin and she saw his body sag with relief.
‘Perhaps Mrs de Wilde would feel better if she peeped in on her husband,’ continued the doctor. ‘He’s asleep, of course, but it will set her mind at rest.’
Later Ben drove his. mother home and once more Alex found herself seated beside Justin in his hire car. He drove slowly, his features tired and strained.
‘You’d better come up for some coffee before you drive home,’ Alex said softly as he parked the car in front of her block of flats.
He sighed tiredly. ‘I think I’ll take you up on that. In this state I’m likely to fall asleep at the wheel.’
Inside the flat he shed his jacket and tie and sat thankfully in a lounge chair, his head back, his eyes closed.
While she waited for the water to boil Alex quickly made him an omelette. It would have been hours since he’d eaten. As she set the tray on the coffee table in front of him his eyes opened reluctantly.
‘Mmm! That smells divine.’ He took a sip of his coffee and then attacked the omelette. ‘I didn’t have time to eat when I got back. I went straight to the hospital.’
‘I thought you might have. Did… Did you have a successful trip?’ Alex asked, although the words almost stuck in her throat.
Justin’s eyes rested on her enquiringly.
‘Margot told me you and she were going up to the city,’ she explained. ‘I believe you both may be off to the States.’
‘Oh,’ he said thoughtfully, ‘I’m afraid I wasn’t interested in the tour. Margot will be working with a top American conductor.’ He returned to finishing his meal. ‘That was great.’ He replaced his empty plate on the tray at last and looked up at her.
Alex flushed, suddenly embarrassed by their closeness, the warmth in his eyes, and the silence stretched, tension-filled, between them. His eyes seemed to rove over her face returning always to the quiver of her lips and Alex clasped her dampened palms together in her lap.
‘I’m glad your father has pulled through.’ She broke the silence at last, trying to bring the atmosphere back to normality. ‘He’s a wonderful man.’
He nodded. ‘You two seem to have a mutual admiration society going. Dad forever sings your praises, too.’ There was that same charged silence. ‘Perhaps I should have asked his advice. God knows, I always seem to say the wrong thing with you.’ All the arrogance had gone from his voice. ‘I don’t suppose there’s an opening for another member of the society, is there? A life member?’
His eyes moved over her and Alex’s heartbeats trebled. She stood up nervously, moving around so that he couldn’t see her face. She heard the lounge chair creak as he too stood up, and it was no surprise when his arms moved gently around her. His chin rested on her shoulder, his breath tingling against her earlobe. Alex’s heart beat a wild tattoo, but instead of turning her to his kiss he sighed softly.
‘Alex, let me stay?’ his voice asked quietly. ‘No funny business, I promise. God knows I’m dead tired.’
‘I’ve… My bed’s only three-quarter size.’ Alex’s lips moved stiffly. ‘But you can use one of the beds in the other room.’
‘Damn the other beds,’ he said. ‘I need to hold you, Alex. You have my word that’s all it will be.’
She turned around then and after one look at his face, almost grey with fatigue, she nodded, her heart filling with love for him.
As she settled in the well remembered circle of his arms Alex sighed. Perhaps tomorrow she would have her chance to apologise to him, to tell him just how much she loved him, had never stopped loving him, and she drifted off to sleep.
The corners of Alex’s mouth lifted blissfully and she murmured appreciatively, not wanting to open her eyes. She was floating in such a wonderful dream, held protectively against the warm firmness of Justin’s body, feeling the tingle of his breath against her cheek. And then he was softly touching the tip of her nose with his lips. She could almost believe the magical sensations were real. Sighing, she fluttered her lashes open, only to meet the light blue of Justin’s eyes, his face almost too close for her to focus clearly on him. Colour suffused her face and she swallowed convulsively.
‘Thanks for last night, Alex,’ he said seriously. ‘For what you did for Mother,’ he paused, ‘and me.’
He made no move to hold her closer, although she badly wanted him to do just that. And she could feel the tension in him. Had she actually dreamed that earlier closeness, the feather-soft touch of his kiss?
‘I’m just glad your father came through it,�
�� she said. Some of his tension transmitted itself to her and her eyes were compelled back to his face. He still looked so tired and drawn that her heart went out to him.
The colour actually rose in Justin’s cheeks. ‘Alex!’ His voice came out huskily, tortured, ‘Don’t look at me like that. Please! I gave you my word last night. Don’t make me break it.’
A dimple flashed in Alex’s cheek. ‘Oh, yes, I remember. No funny business, wasn’t it?’
‘Alex!’ he said warningly.
‘Funny business?’ she teased, running a finger through the soft curling hair on his chest. ‘That’s hardly a very romantic description, darling,’ she chuckled.
His hand moved to cover hers as it lay on his chest and their eyes met, flaring with their mutual wanting. Justin shook his head slowly. ‘Alex, oh, Alex,’ he said softly. ‘Do you know what you’re doing to me, what you always do to me?’
‘Something like what you’re doing to me, what you always do to me I hope,’ she whispered thickly.
His lips touched hers gently, tentatively, as though he suspected he was hallucinating and that any moment the beautiful bubble would burst. Alex moved closer, her body moulding itself along the contours of his and his arms bound her to him, his lips hardening, demanding a response Alex was oh, so willing to give.
‘Alex, am I dreaming this?’ he asked against her ear, sending shivers of delight through her awakening senses.
‘I love you so much, Justin,’ she whispered, ‘so very much.’
He let his breath out slowly and Alex looked up at him with all reservations gone. He shook his head again in almost dazed disbelief. ‘I couldn’t begin to tell you how much I’ve wanted to hear you say that. At times I thought I was reaching for the impossible.’
‘I’m sorry, Justin. I was so mixed up and hurt. I’ve been foolish,’ she paused. ‘There never has been anyone but you. Will you… Will you forgive me?’
He put a finger against her lips, his eyes pain-filled. ‘There’s nothing to forgive. I’m the one who needs forgiving, who showed a total lack of understanding. I let you down when you needed me most. That’s something I’ll always have to answer for and learn to live with.’
Play Our Song Again (Lynsey Stevens Romance Book 13) Page 17