Ever Enough

by Stacy Borel

  He paused what he was doing to turn and look at me. “I’ll take a beer.” He gave a small smile and turned back to keep cutting.

  I stood by the fridge with the door open, letting the cool air help relax my thrumming pulse. I watched his forearms flex with each move. Fuck me, I was not going to make it through this dinner! I needed to distract myself. Talk to him Emilyn! Yes, talking is good.

  “So how’ve you been the past couple of months?”

  “Hmmm…?” I thought I’d spoken loud enough for him to hear me, but when I turned around and stood back up, I noticed Finn had been staring at me while I’d been bent over getting his beer. Yeah, this was going to be a long night. “Oh, umm… it’s been good.” He turned back to cutting. “Been keeping busy. Ky and I just scored another contract. The music label wants us to try to write for this new up-and-coming artist but he’s just a kid, and personally I think our stuff sounds too old for him.”

  I laughed. “Hey now, your stuff doesn’t sound old.”

  “You’ve heard our music?” He walked to the table to join me, bringing the food with him.

  “Of course I have. You guys have a lot of stuff out there. It’s hard not to hear it.”

  “What do you think of it?”

  I stopped to take a bite of the chicken before answering. “You and Kyler are very talented Finn. I’ll confess, I’ve looked up and listened to everything you two have written. Sometimes I don’t care for how the artists sing some of the lyrics, but it’s still good stuff.” I smiled across the table at him.

  “So you’ve looked me up.” He raised his eye brow and smirked at me.

  My smile widened and I looked down. “Yeah, I suppose I have.”

  It got quiet. When I looked back up at him, he was watching me from across the table. His face was so serious; a direct contrast to the playful smile he’d just given me. I was confused. “What? Do I have food in my teeth?” I covered my mouth with my napkin.

  “No Em, you don’t have food in your teeth.” He put his fork down and sat back, and I sensed the conversation was about to turn serious. “Why did you avoid me for so long?”

  I was confused because I’d already told him why. Hell, he could see why. “You know why Finn. I didn’t want to bother you about this and I was trying to deal with things on my own.”

  “I know what you told me, but that doesn’t answer why you avoided me after the reunion.”

  Okay, now we were walking into uncomfortable ground. “I wasn’t avoiding you I just didn’t think there was anything to talk about.”

  “You’re lying.” He was right. “I can always tell when you’re lying to me Emilyn. You never look me in the eyes and you start wringing your hands. So what’s the real reason?”

  I made an effort to stop my fidgeting. “It honestly doesn’t matter. Is this what you came here to talk to me about?”

  “I’m here to tell you several things and to be your friend. But friends are honest with each other, they don’t beat around the bush.” I didn’t think he could look more intense, but he did when he leaned forward putting his elbows on the table. “Why wouldn’t you take my calls?”

  I got up from the table with my plate, unable to stand his gaze. “I told you, there was nothing to talk about.”

  As I passed him, he grabbed my arm. “There was plenty to talk about. That kiss for starters.” He set his napkin down and stood up right in front of me. Taking my plate out of my hands and placed it back on the table. “No more walking away from me Emilyn. Sit down and eat. You have that baby you need to feed and you need to stay healthy.”

  “Since when did you get so bossy?”

  “Since I got tired of you running away from me.”

  “I’m not run…”

  “Sit down Emilyn, I’m not asking again.” He was more forceful in the way he spoke.

  I moved back to my side of the table. “Your way of asking sounds more like a command.”

  He shrugged his shoulders and it pissed me off. “Now are you going to make me repeat myself or are you going to answer the question? Truthfully this time? I have all night.”

  “I’m married Finley… or was… or am…” I shook my head, “Fuck, I don’t know okay? I liked the kiss. Is that what you wanted to hear? I couldn’t talk to you about it because I liked it and it made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time!” I glared at him.

  “Good. Now was that so hard?” He was smiling and I wanted to hit him.

  “Are you here to torture me?” His smile turned angry.

  “Not here to torture you Em, I’m here to help you.”

  “And I’ve told you I don’t need help. I’ve got everything under control.”

  “Is that why you look like you’re about to cry?”

  “Fuck you Finley! Get out!” I shouted. I got up from the table and left the kitchen. I hurried down the hall to my room, knowing he was going to follow me. I shut the door and locked it. A second later he was at my door twisting the knob.

  “Open the door Em. We aren’t done talking.”

  “If you think that was talking then you’re delusional. Now get out!”

  “I’m not delusional I think we were finally getting to the honest part of our conversation. Now you either open this door, or I will take the damn thing off the hinges.”

  “You wouldn’t!” Was he crazy?

  “Don’t tempt me Tiny Girl. You are done walking away from me. Make this easy on yourself.”

  I unlocked the door and yanked it open to find him standing in the doorway, his arms braced against the frame. I shouted, “You are the biggest asshole I’ve ever known!”

  He was breathing heavily. Dropping his arms, he moved towards me, causing me to back into my room. “You done locking me out?”

  “I don’t know. Are you done being a jerk?”

  He let out a frustrated growl and put his hands on his hips.

  Looking up at him I said, “Did you just growl at me?”

  “No. I didn’t growl.”

  “Yes you did.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Yes. You. Did.”

  “No I… Jesus! Why are we arguing about this? Stop changing the subject.”

  “I’m not changing the subject.” Okay, I might have been changing the subject.

  “Enough Emilyn! We are going to have an adult conversation, and you’re going to give me some honest answers.”

  “You have an awful lot of faith in that statement.” I was goading him and he knew it.

  “Cut the shit. Tell me what your plans are.”

  “Not that it’s any of your business…” He raised a brow at me, daring me to push him. “But I’m going to keep working at Beans until the baby is born. I’m saving as much as I can and Harper and I are turning the spare bedroom into a nursery. I plan on going back to school when the baby is a couple months old and my Mom has offered to help out so I don’t have to put her in daycare. There, does that answer your question?”

  “For now. What about West, where is he during all of this?” He moved to sit on the bed. He was so tall that when he was sitting, we were eye level.

  “West is out of the picture. I don’t actually know what he’s going to do about us having a baby. I am concerned he’ll try to take her away from me just to hurt me, but then again Julia won’t want anything that’s mine in her house. So who knows?” That was an honest answer and it left me feeling drained.

  “If he so much as tries to take the baby from you, I’ll break his neck. You don’t need to worry about that.” He had so much conviction in his voice. But his face looked perplexed about something else.

  “What?”

  “Why do you keep referring to the baby as a her? Do you know you’re having a girl already?” His eyes softened as he glanced at my midsection.

  “No, it’s just a feeling. Funny, West asked me the same question.”

  “Don’t compare me to him.” Hurt resonated in his words.

  “Oh my gosh, I’m so so
rry! I swear I wasn’t, it’s just that he asked me the same question. I wasn’t comparing Finn. Trust me, you’re nothing like him!”

  He sighed, reaching out and grabbing a hold of my hand. There was such warmth in his touch, and as nervous as he made me feel, I also felt at ease. “Please, sit down.”

  I did, and he dropped a bomb on me. “I want you to move in to my house, Em.”

  “What? I can’t move to California.”

  “No, I know, and I’d never ask you to. Kyler is signing papers as we speak for a four bedroom house that I’m buying.”

  “Wait… you’re buying a house here? But you live in California.”

  “Yes, and I still do. I’m buying a place here so I’m not always staying at Ky’s parent’s house. I’d like to have my own space, and I want you in it. I won’t be able to leave the house unattended for however long I’d be gone. So during those periods it would be nice if someone was there to keep it up.”

  “You’re crazy! I can’t just move in with you. Finn, we just started speaking again.”

  “It might be crazy but, it’ll be a good thing. Don’t you want somewhere for just you and the baby? ” He placed his palm on my cheek. “Think about it Em. I won’t always be around, but I’ll make sure you have everything you’ll possibly need. I’ll help you take care of you and the baby. Move in with me Tiny Girl.”

  “This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen Finn. I didn’t want you to come rescue me and play white knight. I appreciate the gesture, I really do. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “I’m not white knighting you. I know Kyler told you I’ve been miserable. I miss you Em. I haven’t found another girl that makes me feel the way you do. I’m not saying this to make you feel uncomfortable or to scare you. I’m just putting it out there that I need to be around you. And now that I know what’s been going on here, I feel like you need me too. Just please, come live with me and we’ll figure everything out.” He looked so hopeful.

  “I can’t just leave Harper though. And what about your job?”

  “She already knows. I told her what I was doing when I looked at a few places with Ky.” I turned to face the bedroom door. “She wanted to argue and tell me it was a bad idea, but she also thinks it could help you gain some independence.” He paused. “Look, I know I’ve hurt you before but that’s not going to happen again. I’m not leaving. She took some convincing but Harper agrees with me. As far as the job goes, I can work from anywhere. That’s the beauty about writing music.”

  I smiled and shook my head. “You must have really sweet talked her.”

  Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, he was grinning. “Yeah something like that. I also know that she’d have my balls in a vice if I fuck this up.”

  I laughed. “She’s good to me like that.”

  “Before this happens though, I feel like I need to explain something to you. It’s something that I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time but I wasn’t sure how it was going to come out.” The discomfort in his voice was worrying.

  I squirmed a bit with his tone. “Okay, I’m listening.”

  “It’s about when I left that night. I want you to know why I left. I never told you, and I feel like you deserve to know.”

  I swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. “I don’t need an explanation Finn. What happened is in the past, so let’s leave it there. Please?”

  “That’s the thing Em, it isn’t in the past for me. I’ve thought so much about it over the past ten years. I’ve wanted nothing more than an opportunity to tell you what made me walk away, even if it ended up being the biggest mistake of my life. I don’t want to hurt you by dredging this up, but if we are going to live together part-time, this side of us—what happened between us—needs to be aired out.”

  I sighed and looked down. Just thinking about that night made my stomach churn. Hearing from Finley why he actually left, was something I’d always wanted. I was about to get my answers but, I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to hear it. The moment I’d waited for was finally here, and now I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know. But I could see in his face that he needed to get this off his chest and so I was going to let him. I would endure the pain that could come from this talk. I’d do it for him.

  “A couple nights before graduation, I overheard you and Harper talking in the hallway.” He paused then continued again. “You were telling Harper that you thought I was ‘the one’. That you had no doubt that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together…” He paused for what felt like a lifetime. “I panicked.”

  I met his eyes, “That’s why you left? Because you panicked because I said you were ‘the one’ in high school?”

  “No. Well, yes. But it’s not in the way you’re thinking. I loved you Emilyn. I was just as sure of you as you were of me. I’d thought about our future together and I knew I wanted to be with you. But all that kept running through my mind was a conversation I’d had with my Dad before he died. Before the accident, he told me about a girl that he’d been in a serious relationship with. He said that he thought he wanted to be with her forever and he’d planned on proposing to her after they were done with college. A year into their relationship—and outside of high school—they started to become two different people. They no longer wanted the same things. Eventually, they broke it off. My Dad thought about that girl for a couple of years after they split and he decided that maybe time was all they’d needed. He found her again but found out she was married and had a kid. Not long after that, he met my Mom.”

  “He made me promise that if I ever got in a serious relationship with a girl, I’d take a step back to see if I was still the same person without her as I was with her; that she was the one that I truly wanted. He didn’t want me to rush into something and not experience life, and he said I shouldn’t allow the girl I was with to not know life outside of high school and outside of me. I think he knew that when I fell in love with a girl, that it would be ‘it’ for me. I’d love her my whole life. He said I took after my mother like that.” He was smiling a sad smile, remembering his parents. He looked up and met my eyes, “So you see I heard what you said to Harper. I heard and I knew I needed to let you go live your life. I know you were ‘it’ for me—just like my Dad had predicted—but I needed to make sure I was ‘it’ for you too. I didn’t mean to hurt you the way that I did Em. I can’t apologize enough for how I left you that night. But I am sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  I was dumbfounded. His reason wasn’t at all what I’d expected. I thought he left because we were done with high school, because he wanted to move on to bigger and better things. I had no idea that it was because of a conversation he’d had with his Dad.

  “Say something Em, please.”

  “I’m not really sure what to say. I wish I would have known about that conversation with your Dad, Finn. I would have done everything to prove to you that you were what I wanted.” A traitorous tear rolled down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. “I just… I don’t know Finn.” I sighed heavily. I had so many questions, but none that I could ask right now.

  “I blame myself you know.”

  “Blame yourself for what?” Not sure what he was meaning.

  He nodded towards my stomach. I looked down and then back up. “This?” I said pointing to my stomach. “You blame yourself for this?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why? You didn’t do this. Just because you left, doesn’t

  mean this is your fault. You did what you felt you had to do.”

  “Don’t make me out to be a martyr Emilyn. I’ve regretted what I did for long enough. If I’d known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have made the same mistake.”

  I gave him a sympathetic smile, “None of us would Finn. That’s how we learn.”

  “No, you don’t get it. I mean I wouldn’t have taken my Dad’s advice. He may have meant well—sharing his experience with me—but that was his life. It’s what happened to him. I
had my own life to live, and our relationship was totally different than what he’d had. If I’d have just done what I wanted—what I knew in my heart was right—I know we would still be together.” He reached up and wiped my tears with his thumb.

  “You can’t blame yourself for listening to your Dad. Anybody would have done it, especially after the accident. I believe in fate Finn… what happened was supposed to happen. What’s going on with me right now may not be ideal, but I have to believe that this is where I’m meant to be. Please don’t blame yourself, okay?” This was almost more than I could bear. My heart was breaking from all of the honesty. Part of me was relieved to finally know, but another part was astounded that he felt responsible for my lot in life. Nobody knew I was going to end up divorced and pregnant. It wasn’t ideal but I had accepted it.

  “Not so sure about that, but for your sake I’ll say I won’t.” He gave me a wry smile.

  Trying to ignore his irrational logic I asked, “So now what?”

  “What do you mean now what? You move your stuff from here to the new house.”

  “That simple, huh?”

  “That simple! I already have Harper’s blessing, and I feel like we can finally start moving forward.”

  “I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall during your conversation, just to see her face.” I laughed, but I needed to change the conversation fast. I was too close to losing it in front of him and I didn’t need him to feel guilty about anything else.

  He looked down and smiled nodding his head. His perfectly messy long hair fell in his face. The urge to reach out and touch it reminded me of another problem that more than certainly would arise.

  “If we do this Finn, if I move in, things will have to remain strictly platonic. What happened between us a couple of months ago, can’t happen again. It will confuse things between us so we need to draw that line in the sand.”

  “If that’s what you want, then I can do that.”

  I sighed. “It’s what I need.”