Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  I’ve been to my gynecologist’s office before but never paid too much attention to all of the posters and knick knacks. Because I know my sister well enough, I know it’s going to be disastrous when she spots the large replica of the female reproductive system lying on the counter next to the sink. Being her curious self, Rachel starts to toy with the fallopian tubes. Did I mention it was a bad idea? Well, I was right. Within a matter of seconds, the poor plastic uterus is in shambles on the floor.

  “Oh shit!” Rachel shrieks as she drops to the floor trying to pick up the small, individual plastic pieces. My eyes open in shock before I break out in laughter. “Don’t sit there and laugh at me. Help me pick this up.”

  “Uhhh, that’s not a good idea.” I point to my thin gown. “I’m not trying to show my own reproductive system to the world.”

  Rachel stands, placing all of the pieces on the counter while she frantically starts to ram pieces into the body cavity.

  “This is like a damn Rubik’s cube. I can’t figure out what this is.” Rachel holds up a piece as she recklessly attempts to piece it back together before the doctor steps into the room. “You’d think I’d be able to put it together seeing as though I have one inside me.”

  “And you want to be with me when the baby comes?” I joke. But seriously, can my sister be any more awkward?

  “Hey! It’s not like I’m going to have to piece together your vagina in order to deliver my niece or nephew. I have to be there so you can squeeze the crap out of my hand when you pop out a small human.” She turns to smile at me as she continues to fiddle with what I think is a bladder.

  A knock on the door causes panic to set in. For Rachel, that is. Me? I’m quite amused watching her act like a toddler trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I can’t help the giggle that forces its way out as she growls in frustration. Not for lack of trying, she gives up and opens a nearby drawer and tosses the plastic bladder inside before closing it, quickly sitting in her seat. There is nothing I can do but shake my head. I love my sister.

  Just when I thought this situation couldn’t get any worse, in walks in Dr. Hottie. Probably only a few years older than me, he’s ridiculously attractive with dark blonde hair, sporting a five o’clock shadow (at eight in the morning). I gulp as he smiles, closing the door behind him. Just my luck.

  Looking over my file in his hand, he greets me, “Ms. Hart. I’m Dr. Parker.” I normally see another OBGYN; however, there were no available appointments. So, wanting to get it out of the way, I settled for Dr. Parker in her absence. I didn’t really think anything about having a male OBGYN until this very moment. My eyes follow him as he sits in a stool next to the examination table. I smile like a kid in a candy store. Uh, hello?! You need to get a grip, Ely! Don’t forget he’s your vagina doctor!

  I may have missed a few things, seeing as I was staring at his lips, but not paying attention to what he was saying. That is until he mentioned due date. “I see here that according to your last period you’re about seven weeks, which would make your due date July 26.” That sounds about right. “When the nurse comes in, we’ll take a listen to the heartbeat and confirm how far along you are. Do you have any questions?” No lines, no bullshit. Straight to the point. I like this doctor already.

  Rachel raises her had as if she’s in school waiting for the teacher to call on her. I slap my hand against my forehead in embarrassment while the doctor looks at her sideways. “Yes, Ms…?”

  “Hart. Ely’s sister. I have a question?” Rachel flashes a girlish grin before continuing on her quest to humiliate me. “Would you recommend a water birth? I was watching the Discovery channel and this woman…” At this point, anything my sister says could be taken as a crazy person asking about jumping off the Empire State Building. Meaning, it will never happen. Not with my body. While Rachel rambles about birth and water, my head bounces back from her to the doctor in pure horror. There is no way in hell I’m giving birth in a bathtub!

  Dr. Hottie, I mean Parker, watches me shake my head rejecting Rachel’s suggested birth plan. He smiles and nods while Rachel goes into theories about mammals that give birth in the water. I’ve lost my patience, hearing her compare me to an Orca whale, while the doctor continues to placate her and listens to her ramblings.

  God must have heard my silent pleas of help, because just as I’m about to go postal on how absurd my sister is being, in walks the nurse. I’ve never been happier to place my feet in the stirrups in preparation to get poked and prodded.

  After he assures that I’m lying as comfortable as can be, the nurse hands him a long wand. “Because you’re still early on in your pregnancy, we’re going to do a transvaginal ultrasound. This might be a little cold, just try and relax.” I love when male doctors think its okay to tell a woman to “try and relax.” Like it’s “just” that easy. With the wand in place, the doctor points towards a small peanut on the screen. “And that, Ms. Hart, is your baby.” Your baby…my baby…Alex’s baby…our baby.

  My heart expands. Although my little one is just a blimp on the screen, I’m surprised at how my heart expands to include instant love. Everything from my past, the death of my parents, Cole, Alex, and Arianna, all of it has been worth it for this very moment. I smile, feeling the tears touch my eyes and trickle down my cheeks. Rachel reaches and takes my hand in hers. I look over and notice a wide grin and matching drops of dew.

  I’m mesmerized by the sheer amount of emotion trembling through my body. I have a life growing in my tummy, someone who I can love and be loved by unconditionally. Biting my lower lip, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay, the doctor hands me a copy of the ultrasound. Our baby’s first picture. Alex will never get to experience this. I’ve stolen this from him and even though I have my reasons, I feel the guilt poking at me. My body shudders with the pain of guilt.

  My first pregnancy was such a shock and I hate to admit that at one point I wished for a do over; a chance to take back the moment of conception. My life was different then. I was in college, still waiting to start my life and the love I had for Cole was not nearly as much as my love for Alex. Back then I never imagined being responsible for another human being. And when I lost the baby, I thought the opportunity to be a parent again was lost, as well.

  But this time it feels different. I’m excited and an overwhelming urge to protect our little one resonates deep within. I have hopes and dreams for my baby’s future and I wouldn’t change the fact that Alex is the father for anything. I just hope that he or she looks just like him; brown hair, bright blue eyes, and a smile to die for. And dimples. Definitely dimples. My dimpled LJ.

  After the emotional upheaval, I become conscious that I’m alone, silently gazing down at my baby’s first picture. I realize how silly I must look and with an immense love in my heart, not to mention a little pain, I wipe the stray tears from my eyes and get dressed to head out and show the world that I can do this.

  ~~~~~

  Rachel gives me a rib breaking hug as we say our goodbyes. She kneels down, talking to my belly and sends her love. She’s smiling ear to ear as she walks away with her own copy of the ultrasound picture, practically skipping to her car. Only my sister would get away with her own copy of the ultrasound. Thankfully, Dr. Hottie didn’t put up a fight and willingly gave her what she wanted. I’m pleased that she’s as overjoyed as I am, especially since I have no one else to confide in. And at this exact moment my excitement cup is overflowing and I’d like to share it with the world.

  I could make a pit stop at the hospital and confide in Nana. I know she would be excited for us. And with her wavering memory, she could be a safe choice. But I can’t risk her telling Alex, not before I decide what to do about him.

  I’m walking blindly, staring at my baby’s first picture when I practically run right smack into someone on my way to my car. I really should be paying attention, especially when I look up and that person is Cole. Oh shit. In shock, we both stare at each other.

  Considerin
g the last time I saw him, he was bloody after a round with Alex, he looks good. His hair is longer, almost as long as when we were in school together, and he’s still quite handsome in his simple white thermal and fitted jeans. Visibly sober, he’s clean shaven, his eyes focused and completely honed on me.

  When he moves closer, I flinch and take a step back. We have a past. One that I can’t, nor will I ever, forget. Not only did he say some hurtful things to me, he’s the sole reason why I miscarried all those years ago. Right now, my only focus is to keep me and my baby safe. Cole runs his hand over his hair as he looks at the ground, kicking some stray rocks to the side. He was my best friend not that long ago, and even though I could really use him right now, I can’t allow him to get that close again.

  Instinctively, I try to ignore him and walk around but immediately he moves in my path. His eye catches the ultrasound picture I’m still gripping in my hand and before he can question me, I quickly place it in my purse in hopes he didn’t get a good look.

  Securing the strap of my bag to my shoulder, I ask him what he’s doing here. Seeing as it’s an odd place for him to be, I’m genuinely confused.

  “Um…er…just some, ah…blood work.” He looks out of place; glancing around uncomfortably. “You?” Cole raises his eyebrows, eyes moving toward my purse. Damn it!

  “Just came to see the doctor.” I watch for his reaction. Nothing. After what seems like ten minutes, but probably was only a few measly seconds, he runs his thumb over his bottom lip and again eyes my purse. “Listen, I gotta go.” I try to step around him, but Cole once again intervenes.

  “Why are you seeing a doctor? Are you okay?” His voice is sweet and shows signs of concern and for the first time in months, my best friend is looking at me. This isn’t the man that showed up drunk at my house spouting vulgar words and vowing years of devotion. This isn’t the man who almost ruined not only my career, but my relationship with Alex. No, this is the man who looked after me and showed tenderness when I had no one besides Rachel. When my eyes moisten with tears for my missed friend I’m not surprised, chalking it up to my emotionally unstable pregnancy hormones.

  I pat away the tears with the back of my hand and try to move past him again. “I’m fine, Cole.”

  “You know, even though things got fucked up, I’m still your best friend, right?” And with those words the unshed tears start to fall.

  “You have an awful way of showing it,” I mutter, my lips quivering.

  “I know that. Things just got so…” Cole lowers his head. “I fucked up. I miss you. I miss my best friend.” I hate to admit it, but I miss him too. And although I haven’t thought of him often since I met Alex, its times like these where I wish we were on better terms. But, I no longer have time to look into the past and search for reasons to forgive him, not when all of his actions in the present have done nothing but break my heart.

  “I need to go, Cole.” I push past him, but he grabs my wrist.

  “I saw the ultrasound, Ely. Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Figures. He always did have a way of finding out every little thing about me. And then trying to fix it. Not this time, Cole. Not this time.

  “What’s there to tell?” I shrug at him.

  “Uh, how about the fact that you’re pregnant?” That was blunt. ”Is it Alex’s?”

  “You lost the right to know anything about my life!” Trying to wiggle out of his grip becomes futile. He has a lot of nerve to spout words of friendship and then start interrogating me.

  “Ely, I want to be here for you. I know I fucked up, but I still care about you.” I refuse to believe him. I’ve given him my trust too many times to count, and each time he’s turned on me. Look where it’s got us.

  “You care about me! Ha! Yah right…this here…” I hold my hand over my belly, “This is my second chance and I won’t let you or anybody else take it from me. Not now and never again!”

  I shove him as hard as my body can manage; finally eradicating myself from his hold and head off to work.

  Thursday, December 6, 2012

  “Alexander James. I know he works here. I demand you call him again!” The male voice echoes throughout the lobby as I step through the revolving doors.

  A man dressed in simple jeans and a t-shirt is gripping the security desk, leering over Mr. Hodges as he holds the telephone anxiously.

  “Sir, I tried him again, but he’s not answering. He must out of the office. Can I take a message for him?”

  “No! This is a matter of life and death. I need to speak with him now.” The lobby’s morning traffic practically comes to a standstill as everyone eyes the man suspiciously as he yells Alex’s name over and over again. Not only is he making a scene, but he’s also tarnishing Alex’s name. God forbid Arianna walk through; what would she think then?

  Mr. Hodges’ hands tremble as he panics, searching for a way to deescalate the situation. Our eyes meet and I know I have to intercede.

  “Sir, you were looking for Mr. James?” I keep my voice calm as I tap the gentleman on the shoulder. He turns in response to face me.

  “ Who the fuck are you?” His breath reeks of alcohol.

  “Sir I need you to keep it down.” Mr. Hodges attempts to calm him once again.

  “Listen here…” He’s about to turn back around to face off with the old frail man, but I quickly grab his forearm bringing his attention back to me.

  “If you’re looking for Alexander James, I work in his department. He’s not in the office today, but if you give me your name and number I can pass along the message.”

  “Tell him his old man is looking for him.” My eyes widen as I look over his face. Same blue eyes, same brown hair, same dimpled cheeks. Holy shit! Affected by him, I take a cautious step back as he squints his eyes at me. “Hmmmm…rockin body, decent pair of tits, pretty face. You must know him pretty well.”

  “Uh…” I worry by bottom lip as I take another step back as he approaches closer.

  “Tell that momma’s boy to get his head out of his ass and call me. If he thinks he can avoid me, he has another thing coming. I won’t be so nice next time.” This is nice?

  He shoulder checks me on his way out. I stumble back into Mr. Hodges who I didn’t realize was standing behind me.

  “Ms. Hart, are you okay?” He looks apologetic considering I just did his job for him.

  “Yes Mr. Hodges. Don’t worry about passing along the message. I’ll make sure he gets it. Please don’t mention this to anyone.”

  He nods and goes back to his station. I on the other hand head to my desk.

  ~~~~~

  Can this day get any worse? After dealing with Alex’s asshole sperm donor the last thing I want to do is see or hear Arianna, which is why I hate Outlook meeting requests. No. I loathe Outlook meeting requests. If I could kick the bastard who created Outlook in the shins, I would so do that right about now.

  Ten minutes ago I received another impromptu meeting request and my stomach plummeted the moment I saw Arianna’s name. I don’t know why Maggie is even my boss anymore if all communications practically go through Arianna.

  “Elyssa! You’re looking better than I saw you last.” Arianna remains seated glancing at her manicured nails. I nod and sit across from her. “So, how is everything? How’s Rachel?”

  “You called me in here to ask about Rachel?” I question as I stare into her beady little eyes. I know it’s a lost cause, but I don’t know if I will ever understand the depths of her erratic behavior. I wonder if I should give up trying to comprehend why she does the things she does. Knowing her, though, she has some ulterior motive.

  “No, I only wanted to make sure everything is okay. Everything is…okay, isn’t it?” She eyes me suspiciously. It’s as if she knows something and I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand. Not a good feeling, trust me.

  “As good as can be expected.” My attempt at nonchalance doesn’t go unnoticed, because even I can hear my voice tremble.

 
“Anything you want to tell me?” What the hell? I don’t like this one bit. Her voice, normally of the banshee variety, is sugary sweet and the taste in the air is cringe worthy.

  “I don’t know,” I cock my head to the right, “Is there?” I can see the irritation boil to the surface as she raps her nails against her desk, sitting there waiting for me to spill my deep, dark secrets.

  “Obviously this conversation is going nowhere and since you aren’t being forthcoming, I’m over it.” Okay… She’s blatantly done with this conversation as she picks up a folder and tosses it in my direction. “You’re going to Reno tomorrow. Go home, pack. Your travel arrangements are included in that packet I just gave you. Make sure you arrive at the airport early.”

  I’m taken back by this unfortunate news. I’m also surprised by the last minute travel arrangements. Not to mention the fact that I have to get on another plane. “I’m surprised Maggie didn’t mention anything?”

  “Excuse me?” Her eyes are stone cold, the earlier sweet tone has vanished, as she stares daggers at me. “The last time I checked, I owned this company. I don’t run anything by Maggie. She works for me.”

  Alrighty then. Next topic. “Am I traveling alone?” I’ve learned that no one travels alone when it’s a work trip and this is my sly way of finding out if Alex will be accompanying me. I have a feeling this time I’ll have a very different traveling companion.

  “You’re not that lucky.” I know exactly what she’s referring to. “Oliver will be going with you. There’s a large enrollment meeting happening at one of the casinos up north. I’m counting on you to make sure everything runs smoothly. The folder I gave you has everything you need to review. This is Oliver’s first time, so make sure he knows the ropes.” If it weren’t for the fact that it’s Arianna sending me on this trip, I might feel just as elated as I did the first time she sent me out of town. Now, she’s just a buzz kill to my career.