Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  I take a step forward, but stop when Alex places his hands in front of him, willing me not to take another step closer. With a slight shake to his head, Alex stammers, “I…I-I…uh…fuck…I gotta…think….I need to…fuck, I need a minute.”

  With every step he walks away from me, I watch him. It’s all I can do. He turns and heads back the way we came, leaving me standing in the middle of the parking lot. Cold and alone. It’s not until the reverse lights of the SUV brighten that I realize he’s leaving. He’s abandoning me. He promised he could handle anything. I guess I found his demise.

  This has to be the worst reaction in the history of “I told him I was pregnant” stories. Ever.

  I continue to scan the area, not knowing what else to do and see when the SUV turn the corner, heading towards the exit on the west side of the building. The weight is too much to bear. My chest is crushed with the realization that Alex didn’t just walk away from me, but from our unborn child. With tears trickling down my cheek, my knees begin to shake, forcing me to sit on a nearby curb. I try desperately to catch my breath, sobs wracking my body. But it’s no use.

  He left me. I told him the one secret I was most afraid of him knowing and he left me. Pregnant and in a parking lot. This is worse than that movie where the pregnant girl gets abandoned at Wal-Mart. Oh my God! My baby’s going to be known as the Braxton Casino baby. With that thought, my body convulses into more tears and silent sobs.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting there. I know there are people walking by, but they’re the least of my worries. I’m sure I look like a mad woman, sitting in the snow, bawling into my hands, but the most I can do right now is cover my face, shielding my embarrassment as people continue to walk by.

  I’ve just about pulled myself together enough to know I need to get out of the cold, when my hands are pulled away from my face. I jump not knowing what to expect, but quickly relax when I see Alex kneeling in front of me. I cry even harder as he pulls me to stand and gently lifts me into his arms to carry me inside. I cry. I cried the entire way to my room. Somehow Alex was able to open the door and get us inside without putting me down. He didn’t let go until he laid me against the soft comforter of my bed.

  I don’t have enough energy to yell at him, to tell him how selfish he was by leaving me. I know I don’t deserve him, or his understanding, but he shouldn’t have left. Any other way would have been better than him leaving. He should have yelled at me. He should have continued to stand there catatonic. But, I don’t have it in me to even tell him that much. And he must not either.

  Silently, he pulls off my boots and continues without words when he lifts my sweater from my body, and then rids me of my skirt. I’m naked, in only my bra and panties before him, but his eyes don’t burn with the intensity they normally do. Instead, he closes his eyes and drops to his knees in front of me, resting his head in my lap.

  Alex inhales deeply, his cheek touching my bare knee. His arms instinctually surround me, his body pushes my knees apart so he can inch himself closer. He can’t seem to get close enough. With his arms tight around my lower torso he rests his forehead against my belly. “I’m sorry, Hart. I’m so sorry.” His lips brush against my naval. “I didn’t know…I don’t know what to do.” His arms tighten around me while my fingers run through his unruly locks, comforting him in the only way I know how.

  We hold each other for I don’t know how long before he looks up at me. The look on his face is unrecognizable. “I’m scared, Hart. What if I…” He shakes his head.

  “I’m scared too, Alex. I’ve been dealing with this for weeks and…”

  Regret takes over his body. He slumps over muttering into my belly. “Weeks?”

  “I’ve known since Thanksgiving,” I admit softly.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” He looks up at me again, this time I can see the strength return as he straightens his back and pushes his shoulders straight. “Were you even going to tell me?”

  “Maybe ‘cause I didn’t want you to take it badly? I dunno, maybe ‘cause I didn’t want to get stranded in a parking lot?” Okay, I know I wasn’t technically stranded, but apparently I feel a little melodramatic. “I wanted to tell you…everyday, Alex. I just didn’t know how.”

  He nods. We both messed up. Me keeping this a secret for so long and of course his reaction doesn’t make the situation any better. Alex looks at my stomach, his fingers grazing over my belly button before he whispers against my skin; too quiet for me to eavesdrop into their own conversation. His voice changes to wonderment, “Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy?”

  “It’s too soon to tell,” I chuckle, my fingers still running through his hair.

  He looks up at me with concern. “Do you plan on keeping it?”

  “Of course.” I can’t even be mad he asked that. It’s a logical question, but it still stings.

  A hint of a smile touches his lips before he leans his head against my abdomen. “What if I’m just like him?”

  “Like who?” I ask, genuinely confused.

  “Like my Dad. What if I do horrible things that end up fucking up our kid for the rest of their life? God, what if this is just some fucked up cycle.”

  “Alex.” I push him away, gripping the sides of his face, forcing him to look at me. “No matter what, you’d protect me, right?” He nods his head. “And you still love me despite the weeks upon weeks of hell I’ve put you through?” He nods again. “Then it wouldn’t be any different with our LJ.”

  “LJ?” He looks at me with confusion.

  I look to my belly, a smile breaking through. “Little James. I call him or her that since it’s too early to know.”

  “LJ…I like it. It’s better than calling our baby ‘it’ or ‘the baby’.”

  “Well, that and I figured your genes are probably as stubborn as you are, which will mean the baby will be mostly you,” I joke. “Everything will be fine Alex, you just need to have some faith.”

  “I’ll try, Elyssa. I don’t want to fuck this up. You or LJ,” he pauses, deep in thought. “I have to make this right.”

  “I know you will.” I lean down, placing a kiss on top of his head as he pulls me in tighter. “We’ll do this together.”

  CHAPTER 15

  A crushing weight lifted off my shoulders when I revealed the secret about my pregnancy. I’ve wanted to tell Alex; deep inside I’ve always wanted him with me every step of the way. Sitting here with his arms around me, his head resting against my abdomen, this moment was worth the trip to hell and back. It was worth the rollercoaster of emotions we’ve experienced since he left for New York and if it meant us ending up here, I’d do it all over again.

  “Hey LJ,” Alex turns his head, his lips brushing against my belly with each word. “Have you been giving your Mom a hard time?” After placing a sweet, lingering kiss on my flat belly, he looks up at me with a concerned smile. “This explains why you’ve been sick at work.” I nod.

  “The morning sickness has been awful, but it’s getting better. You must be my lucky charm because I haven’t had any since we’ve been in Reno.”

  Alex turns his attention back to my belly; a large grin plastered on his face. His fingers brush across my skin while my fingers run through his russet strands. “It’s ‘cause the baby missed me, huh? You just wanted your Mommy to finally stop being stubborn and admit she still loves me, right?”

  Alex’s coos at my belly are enough to bring even the strongest woman to her knees. In my emotional state, it’s no surprise that I melt. “It was never a matter of not loving you,” I whisper, my voice jammed with emotion.

  “God, I hope she looks just like you.” He beams up at me. I didn’t realize the intimacy of our position until Alex’s chin practically rests against my mound. I’m nearly naked and my thin underwear does nothing to hide my arousal.

  “We’re having a girl now, huh?” Alex nods, his eyes glimmering with hope just like a little boy who wished on a penny just before he throws it into a
fountain. “Well, I hope she has your eyes then.” When I rest my hand against his cheek, he turns his face to kiss my palm.

  Fortunately for me, he doesn’t stop there.

  The look on Alex’s face would stop a freight train; changing from mirth to unmistakable passion. I feel, rather than see, his hands running smoothly over my legs. Pulling my ankle up onto his thigh, his whisper of a touch behind my knee sends shivers down my spine. He can tell the visible affect he has on me and doesn’t stop. He continues up the length of my bare leg, stopping only to cup my ass, causing my whole body to tremble with anticipation.

  With hardly anything between us, it’s easy for him to reach up and pull the band of my panties down past my thighs until they reach my ankles. Alex gently taps my foot, signaling for me to lift up so he can remove them completely. He licks his lips, eyeing me seductively while I lay exposed and on display for him.

  My heart beats rapidly, allowing a whimper to escape, when his fingers run through my folds, spreading my wetness. Before burying his head between my thighs, he moans, “Fuck. Me. You’re so fucking wet.” Alex tortures me in the sweetest possible way; sucking, licking, and plunging his tongue inside of me. Absolutely the sweetest form of torture.

  I moan and grind myself against his face. Tension builds, causing my hips to reflexively grind harder, faster, and clutch the back of his head. The way my body is moving, it’s like my life depended on this sweet torture. My body doesn’t care about all of the reasons why I tried to stay away from him. All my body knows is that it craves him like oxygen: a necessity.

  I’m on the brink of exploding when Alex suddenly lifts his head. He doesn’t hesitate and pulls his shirt up and over his head, then proceeds to remove every other article of clothing from his tight, out of this world body. When he’s done making sure there is nothing left between us, bra included, he sits back on his legs, kneeling before me. “God, you’re beautiful,” he breathes.

  I smile, but I’m dying inside. The ache of my core becomes too much to bear. I try to push my knees together to dull the pain, but Alex quickly stops me and pushes my thighs even farther apart.

  “Do you know how sexy you look right now?” I shake my head and lean back on my hands, gripping the sheets, trying desperately to fight the intense throbbing between my legs. “The look on your face begging me to take you…your breasts swollen and heavy…and don’t get me started on the very sweetest part of you.” With his words, he runs his fingers through my slick lower lips before putting his fingers in his mouth.

  Alex leans forward and kisses my belly for what feels like the millionth time, but the gesture could never grow old. “What makes you even sexier, knowing our baby is growing inside you.” He sits back, studying me for too long. Any time where his hands are not touching me feels like an eternity.

  “I can’t do this unless I know you’re mine. No more games. No more stubbornness. From this point on, it’s us against the world. We either belong to each other or I can’t do this.” While he waits for a commitment his face shows every ounce of resolution; his hands fisted, resting on top of his naked thighs. Waiting.

  My eyes run the length of his body before ending on his impressive erection. Even with his declaration, right now I can’t do anything but beg. I need release. I can’t deal with this pulsating pain and because of this I ignore his please with a loud moan, “Please Alex.”

  My hands let go of the covers and run over my thighs before touching my achy apex. I grind against one hand as my other caresses my breast. I bring myself to the brink, staring at Alex imagining he replaced my small hands with his strong ones, helping me to my climax. His crystal blue eyes are aflame with need.

  But, instead of taking hold and quenching my growing hunger, he stills my hands. “You’re gonna need to stop, Hart. I don’t know how much more I can take.” Alex flexes his fingers against my wrists. “I need an answer.”

  I wriggle against his hold practically crying out in need as Alex pushes me against the covers and straddles my body. “It hurts, Alex please.”

  He tilts his head, kissing me with restraint. “Then say it.”

  I would say anything in this moment, and he knows it. But this time, I’m only saying what’s in my heart. The truth. “We belong to each other. Always have, always will. I fought you for too long, but I can’t fight anymore. I want this, please Alex,” I beg, my voice practically a whisper as my body arches.

  No longer in control, Alex kisses me with unbridled passion. His tongue exploring every inch of my mouth, I capture his groan with my eager lips. I take his nipple in my mouth and lightly nibble against it as my fingers work at clawing every inch of him, the need to be closer almost painful. A sound so exhilarating escapes my lips when Alex runs his mouth along the curve of my neck, down to my breasts. I giggle and I love it.

  I’m done with the games. I’m done with the begging. I want him, I need him. There’s no more fight left in me to care about anything but him. And no more waiting. I reach down and take his shaft, placing it at my entrance. My hand runs over his length, soft and strong. Alex hisses.

  “I should torture you like you tortured me tonight.” I nip at his ear and squeeze him, drawing a moan while he buries his head in the nape of my neck. “But, you’re in luck ‘cause I can’t bear not having you inside me for one minute longer.”

  With that, I lift my hips and pull him into me simultaneously. With our bodies united, we both sigh in unison. The war of our hearts is over and the victor is the family we intend to build. Together. It’s such a heady feeling, the movement of Alex inside me, our baby nestled safely between us. But one I’m beginning to enjoy immensely.

  I expected Alex to ravage me, but his movements are careful; as if he thinks I’m made of glass. Almost his entire weight is supported on his arms; his moves are slow and deliberate. Don’t get me wrong, it feels incredible, but not what my body craves right now.

  I reach up taking his face between my hands. I gaze into his eyes and I can see him fighting to keep control; to make certain his movements are sweet and soft. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Alex shakes his head, trying to look away. I moan in pleasure and kiss him deeply hoping to stir his passion to the surface.

  I push my hips harder against him, but Alex continues to linger with no sense of urgency. Frustration builds and I push against his chest, rolling us over so I can straddle his hips; our bodies stay connected. I roll against his body, pushing and pulling my hips against him.

  Alex grips my hips, slowing me again so he can lift his torso and take my nipple into his mouth. His hands reach up, grasping my shoulders from behind, stilling me against him. I groan in frustration as Alex sucks on my breast. When his finger reaches my clit, he begins to massage it slowly. Everything is too slow, too sweet, too gentle.

  I take a deep breath, trying to relax before I let my frustration take over. “Alex, what are you doing?” I question, while he continues to focus on my swollen breast.

  Still no words, he shakes his head again and applies pressure with his busy hand. My eyes flutter closed, my body building to climax. This wasn’t the way I wanted to have an orgasm. I wanted Alex deep in me, punishing me with each aggressive thrust. Instead he’s holding out, I can see it in the tension of his face and the strain of his neck muscles. What I don’t get is why.

  Although frustrated, I still come, but only by myself. I push against Alex’s chest and stand. He winces when I pull his hardness out of me and move to the side of the bed. Alex leans on his elbows, a look of confusion spread across his face.

  I point to the bed. “What the fuck was that?”

  “Elyssa, come back over here,” he demands calmly, yet his breath still erratic.

  “If I wanted to come by myself I could have used a vibrator, Alex. Why are you handling me like I’m going to break?”

  He stands, his shaft still glistening from my need. My stomach clenches, the flame of desire builds inside me instantaneously. My eyes run over his strained erection, up the V of
his lower abdomen, to the defined lines of his six pack. It’s when I look past his powerful chest and settle on his face that I realize…he’s worried. I step back until I’m flush against the built in vanity.

  I’m normally not so comfortable naked, but sexual frustration obviously wins over my bashful nature. It’s not until Alex advances towards me that a deep blush sweeps over my skin, head to toe.

  “Come here, Elyssa,” he orders with his deep, almost menacing voice.

  “Why? So you can treat me like a damn china doll?” He pushes closer and I’m trapped, so I do the only thing I can think of. I defiantly cross my arms and scowl.

  “You’re so fucking sexy when you’re angry.” Okay, so I didn’t get my point across.

  The wind is knocked out of me when Alex pulls me against him. “You’re pregnant. How do I know that I won’t hurt you?” His voice is soft as he lifts me, resting my bare behind on the vanity counter. “Because trust me, Elyssa, I want nothing more than to take that sweet cunt of yours and pound you so hard your eyes roll to the back of your head.” And then he’s not so sweet, and fuck if I don’t orgasm from his words alone.

  Mouth salivating at the thought, he needs to know he’s not going to hurt me, or the baby. “You’re not going to hurt me, Alex. But you are going to drive me insane if this is what I have to look forward to for the next eight months.”

  Alex rests his hands against my stomach and looks up at me with worry. “I was just worried about the baby.” And with that, my ire disappears.

  I wrap my arms around him and bring him in for a kiss. “I’m sorry I was so hard on you. These pregnancy hormones are out of control.” I giggle as I apologize for not taking his feelings into consideration. Of course he would be concerned about the baby. “I love that you thought of my needs instead of just taking what you needed.” I kiss him again. “But can we talk about that eye roll you promised?”

  The tension lifts from his shoulders as he rests his forehead against mine. It’s not until now that I realize the vanity lines up perfectly with Alex’s erection. I grip him and move to the edge of the counter. “You are insatiable, my Hart.” I lift my eyebrow and give him a seductive grin before reaching and pulling him into me. “You feel incredible. Do you even know how hard it was to hold back? Especially when you’re on top of me, riding me, taking all I have to give.”