Shad

by Catherine Lievens

  “I’m not, but I don’t think you’re giving me any other options.”

  “You’re right, I’m not. I don’t... it’s not like I want to do this. You know that, right?” Gabriel looked at Shad, his eyes asking Shad to understand Gabriel’s position.

  Shad sighed. “I know. I think I’ve always known I’d have to talk with Dominic someday, and now that things are what they are... it’s time. Just... don’t hate me. Please.”

  That was what would hurt the most—if Darin and Gabriel, and to a certain extent the friends Shad had made in the pride, started to hate him for what he’d done, and what he was in a way still doing.

  “I already know about the betraying thing.”

  “You don’t know everything, believe me.”

  Gabriel rose from the bed and gracefully walked toward Shad. He went to his knees in front of Shad and put his hands on Shad’s knees, squeezing lightly. “We might have talked for the first time only days ago, but I’ve been around the house for months, and I didn’t spend all that time in my room. I saw you, how you behaved with your friends, with your brother, and I know you wouldn’t have done whatever you did if it wasn’t a life or death situation.”

  Shad sighed. “I wish I had as much faith in myself as you seem to have in me.”

  Gabriel patted Shad’s knee. “Come on. You’ll have to do it anyway, so let’s go. That way I’ll be able to tell Darin you finally spilled the beans.”

  Shad hung his head and groaned. “Damn, don’t remind me I’ll still have to tell him once I’m done with Dominic.”

  “He’ll be fine with whatever you did. He’s your brother, and he loves you.”

  Gabriel stood and took Shad’s hand. He used his hold on it to pull Shad up along with him, then toward the door. Shad twisted his hand so that they were holding hands properly and Gabriel smiled at him before opening the door and walking down the hallway.

  Shad realized what they were going to meet downstairs just before Gabriel started to walk down the stairs. He tugged on his mate’s hand and Gabriel stopped. “Changed your mind?”

  “No, but it’s eight AM.”

  “So?”

  “So everyone’s going to be downstairs, probably in the kitchen or in the dining room.”

  “Good, that way we’ll find Dominic easily.”

  Gabriel started to start walking again, but Shad didn’t move. “But that way everyone will see you.”

  “Oh, I see.” Gabriel moved closer and cupped Shad’s cheek with one hand. “I’ll be fine. It’s time I get out of my room and actually talk with people. Just stay close to me to catch me if someone reacts too badly.”

  Gabriel was trying to look strong and fearless, but Shad could see the hint of fear of rejection in his eyes. He mirrored Gabriel’s position and cupped one of his cheeks, their gazes still locked together. “No one will.”

  Gabriel scoffed and Shad continued. “I’m not saying no one will stare or say anything, but we all know what being different feels like here. We’ve all been through it.”

  “Yeah, okay. Sure.”

  “I’m serious. And even if someone does react badly, I’ll be there. I won’t let anyone hurt you, I promise.”

  Gabriel sighed and rubbed his cheek against Shad’s hand. “It’s not physical pain I’m afraid of.”

  “I know, and I’ll try to protect you from any kind of pain as well as I can. I promise.”

  Gabriel’s eyes were intense now, full of feelings Shad couldn’t read. “Is that all you promise?”

  Shad gulped nervously. “For now, yes. We can... talk about it again when this is over and done with.”

  “I’ll make sure to make you keep your word.”

  Shad chuckled. “Oh, I have no doubts of that.”

  * * * *

  Gabriel kissed his mate’s nose and straightened. He was sorry they couldn’t keep on talking, just the two of them alone, but Shad had to talk with Dominic, and Gabriel had to face his fears.

  He stepped away and started walking down the stairs. He could feel Shad following, but he wasn’t expecting the hand that slid into his again and squeezed. It was a welcome surprise, though, and Gabriel felt just a little bit stronger thanks to it. It was knowing that someone had his back, even if they didn’t have to.

  Adrian had always been there for Gabriel, but they were brothers. Even Joshua’s presence was expected, up to a point. But Shad’s, and to a lesser extend Darin’s and Keenan’s... well, those were the relationships that made Gabriel feel strong enough to face the rest of the world. Or the pride, anyway.

  Gabriel could hear the sound of people talking from the entrance. He knew he was about to face at least ten people, probably more, and most of them hadn’t seen him since he arrived in Whitedell, if ever.

  “Are you ready?” Shad asked from Gabriel’s side.

  Gabriel stopped just before entering the kitchen and chuckled. “No, but it doesn’t really matter.”

  Gabriel took a deep breath and took a step inside.

  It was... anticlimactic. Gabriel had expected gasps and stares, but no one even noticed them, at least not right away. He looked around as everyone went on doing whatever they were doing.

  Keenan was sitting at the counter drinking coffee and talking with his brother. Jamie was eating an apple and nodding but seemed to be paying more attention to the fruit than to Keenan.

  Dominic and Ani were at the table, both of them with a half-full plate in front of them. Casey was at the stove while Jayden prepared plates and handed them out to Nolan, Derick, Ward, Oliver, Adrian and Joshua. Jonah was sitting at the counter in front of Keenan and smiling at something John was saying from his side.

  All in all, it was very homey. They looked like a family, and Gabriel ached with the need to be a part of that. “So, what do we do?” Shad whispered from beside him.

  “We should get their attention.”

  “How?”

  Gabriel shrugged and cleared his throat. It didn’t work, but then the volume of the voices inside the room made it almost impossible to actually hear that. He tried again anyway, without any more results.

  “Do you want me to whistle?” Shad asked.

  Gabriel grimaced. “Not particularly, no. I’d rather avoid loud noises, if it’s all the same to you.”

  Shad shrugged. “I don’t really care.”

  Gabriel knew was trying to appear carefree, but he wasn’t fooled. He could see Shad was nervous, and the occasional twitching of the hand Gabriel was still holding was more proof of that.

  “How do you want to do this, then?”

  Gabriel smirked and pulled on Shad’s hand. He made his way to the kitchen table and sat in one of the free chairs, pulling Shad along. He’d taken the chair in front of Adrian, and Adrian looked up with a smile on his face to see who was sitting there. The smile froze halfway formed and Adrian’s jaw dropped to his chest.

  Gabriel’s ears twitched and he arched a brow at his brother, but Adrian didn’t seem to be able to actually talk at the moment. He reached for Joshua’s arm and grabbed it, then shook it. Joshua, who’d been talking to Ward, turned to see what his mate wanted and his mouth twitched upward when he noticed Gabriel.

  “Well, well. I didn’t think I’d see this today.”

  Gabriel shrugged. Everyone was starting to look his way, and their reactions went from gob smacked, to, well, gob smacked. Nolan missed his mouth when he tried to eat a forkful of eggs and they fell back on his plate. Oliver had frozen with a piece of bread halfway to his mouth and was gaping at Gabriel.

  Gabriel looked around the table, making sure to make eye contact with everyone, and stopped only once he reached Dominic.

  The lion shifter was sipping his coffee and looked completely at peace with the world. He was leaning back in his chair, relaxed and smiling. “To what do we owe this honor?”

  “I decided it was about time I came out.”

  Someone giggled behind Gab
riel and he turned just in time to catch a bouncing Keenan. “I’m so happy to see you here!”

  Gabriel patted Keenan’s back and gave Jonah a sideways glance, just to be sure it was okay with him, but Jonah shrugged and went back to his conversation with a just as unfazed John.

  “Thanks, Kee.”

  Keenan leaned back and looked at Gabriel, then at Shad. “And you’re with Shad. What the fuck did I miss? I leave you alone and sulking this morning and I find you all happy and with Shad only a few hours later. I mean, really? I’ve been trying to coax you out of the attic for months and now you waltz in here like nothing happened?”

  “You make that sound like he’s not welcome,” Dominic pointed out.

  Keenan waved the alpha’s words away. “Of course he knows he’s welcome. Right?” He frowned at Gabriel and Gabriel hurried to reassure him.

  “Yes, I know that.”

  Keenan beamed and sat on the edge of Derick’s chair, on Gabriel’s right. Derick narrowed his eyes at Keenan, but Keenan didn’t even notice it. He wriggled his ass until Derick finally scooted a bit to the side and made himself comfortable. “So, what are you doing here? Do you want some breakfast?”

  Gabriel peeked at his mate. Shad was staring at Dominic and looked a little green. “Ah, no, thank you. We were just looking for Dominic.”

  “Oh, is it to tell him Shad’s room will be free soon? I don’t think we need it, but I’ll help move his stuff, of course.”

  “Wait, why should Shad move out?” Adrian asked.

  “He’s not moving out,” Gabriel told his brother.

  “Oh, no, of course not,” Keenan added. “He’s moving into the attic.”

  Adrian frowned. “The attic? But that’s where Gabriel lives. Why would he do that?”

  Keenan opened his mouth to answer and Gabriel slapped a hand on his mouth. “He’s not moving into the attic.”

  Keenan protested behind Gabriel’s hand, but the sound came out muffled and incompressible. Gabriel narrowed his eyes and showed Keenan a bit of fangs. “Don’t even think about licking my hand.”

  Keenan batted his lashes innocently at Gabriel and Gabriel let go of his face. “But—”

  “It’s not your thing to say, Kee.”

  Keenan snorted. “Puh-lease. If they didn’t know before they do now. You’re still holding hands, for God’s sake!”

  Gabriel knew they still were, but he was ready to bet no one had noticed until Keenan pointed it out. He saw his brother frown and open his mouth, probably to ask more questions, but Dominic interrupted him.

  “You want to talk to me?”

  Gabriel mouthed him a thank you and nodded. “Yes.” He looked at Shad, who was doing his best to avoid looking at the alpha now and was concentrating on the tablecloth almost hard enough to set it on fire just with his gaze. “Can we go to your office?”

  Dominic dabbed his mouth with his napkin. “Do you want to do it now?”

  “Yes. The sooner the better.”

  The alpha nodded and kissed his mate, then got up and waited for Gabriel to follow him. Gabriel tugged on Shad’s hand and guided him toward the alpha. Dominic arched a brow but didn’t ask, and together they exited the kitchen. Once Gabriel was sure no curious ears were listening, he said, “You might want to call Nate. He needs to hear this too.”

  Dominic’s calm expression didn’t change as he got his cell phone from his pocket and texted Nate. He stopped in front of the office door and opened it, gesturing Gabriel and Shad inside.

  Gabriel was convinced Shad would flee if he let go of his hand, so he pushed the chairs in front of the desk closer together and sat, still holding Shad’s hand. The alpha took the seat in front of them and twined his fingers together on his desk, then they waited for Nate to arrive.

  * * * *

  Shad wanted to puke. His stomach churned, and for once it was almost easy to push the pain to the back of his mind.

  The minutes waiting for Nate felt like the longest in Shad’s life, not counting the times he’d been separated from Darin in the lab.

  When Nate finally arrived, he dragged a chair to the side of Dominic’s desk and sat without saying anything. Shad could feel everyone looking at him and Gabriel, waiting for an explanation from either of them. Shad knew he ought to be the one giving it, but he didn’t have the courage to do it.

  Dominic cleared his throat. “What did you want to talk about?”

  Shad didn’t look up even when he heard Gabriel sigh and squeeze his hand. “Shad’s the one who has something to tell you, actually.”

  “Oh, of course. Shad?”

  Shad swallowed and slowly looked up. Dominic was looking at him, a slight smile playing on his lips, and Shad hated that he was about to wipe it from the alpha’s face. “I’m sick. Again.” That felt like the easiest way to start, even if it probably wasn’t the right one.

  Dominic’s expression morphed into worry. “Have you already seen Jared?”

  “No.”

  “You should.”

  “I know, but he can’t do anything. I already know it’s the same thing I had when I came here.”

  “Why don’t you tell us everything?” Nate asked from Dominic’s side.

  Shad took a deep breath, held onto Gabriel’s hand a bit harder and closed his eyes. “While I was in the lab, Glass came to me. He told me I’d been infected by a virus his scientists had engineered, that I’d die if I didn’t take the meds he’d give me. He wanted something in exchange, of course. I wouldn’t have done it if it had been only the meds, or at least I don’t think so. Things like this are hard to decide when you’re not in the situation.”

  The room was silent. No one was saying anything, and they waited for Shad to gather a bit more courage and continue. “He told me they’d kill my brother if I didn’t comply. So I did.”

  “What did Glass want?” Dominic asked.

  “Information. He knew there was someone freeing shifters, but he didn’t know it was Craig. He told me he’d make it so that me and Darin would be the next ones to go. He gave me a phone number I had to call, with any information on the pride I could give him. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to.”

  “So you got here and started gathering info,” Dominic said.

  “Yes. After a while I called him and gave it to him, and he sent me the meds I needed. The information I gave him wasn’t much, really, and I didn’t have the time to gather more because you guys got him.”

  “And once you finished the meds and Glass couldn’t give any more to you, you started getting sick again.”

  “Yes.” Shad was scared to look up. He knew Dominic would have every right to kick him out of the pride right then and there, but he was still hoping that wouldn’t happen.

  “Why didn’t you come to me right away?”

  Shad splayed his free hand on his knee, never looking away from it. “In the beginning, it was because I didn’t know you. Craig took us here, but I didn’t know what would happen if I told you. You could’ve kicked both me and Darin out, or hurt us, and I couldn’t afford it. Darin had already been through too much.”

  “And so had you,” Dominic said softly.

  “Yeah, but that didn’t matter as much.”

  Silence fell in the room, and Shad’s hope of everything going all right soared before Gabriel shot it down and stomped on it. “Tell them everything, Shad.”

  Shad glared at his mate, but Gabriel didn’t seem to be affected. He arched a brow and his ears twitched, but those were his only reactions.

  “There’s more?” Nate asked. His voice was growly and Shad was pretty sure the beta wasn’t all that happy with him at the moment.

  “Yeah. Someone apparently knew everything, and they contacted me. They asked me to meet with them. When I got there, the guy told me he wanted info too, mostly about the council and the members’ movements, but everything would do, really. He told me he’d give me the meds I need if I gave him what he
wanted.”

  “And you said yes?” Nate snapped.

  Shad cringed a bit in his chair, but he looked at the beta. “I said I had to think about it. I’m not really keen on dying, and he has the meds I need.”

  “You should have said no and died, then.”

  “Look, I thought I could talk to him, maybe find out who he was and tell you everything. I won’t deny just accepting is very tempting, but my brother and my mate live here, and I don’t want them to be hurt, even if that meant I’d die. I just didn’t have the time to make decisions. There’s so much—so much stuff to think about, and there’s the pain that never leaves me alone, and I...”

  Shad was on a roll. He shook Gabriel’s hand away and got up. He started to pace the room and raked his hands in his hair in frustration. “I know I got everything wrong right from the start, and if you want to blame me and kick me out or stick me in the council jail then fine. But you don’t know how it is to live with the pain, to feel it always, like a presence in your body. It doesn’t let you sleep, or work, or even eat. And you know there’s one thing you can do to make it vanish, but that thing goes against everything you believe in. So you think that no, you won’t do it, but then the pain comes back, stronger than before, and you think that maybe you could cave, just to be free of that. And that’s when you can even think, because some days I can’t. Some days, I can’t even get out of bed because it hurts too much, and the only thing I want is for it to go away, even if it means I have to be a traitor or—or die.”

  Shad took a shaky breath and sobbed. A hand landed on his shoulder and turned him around, and he suddenly found himself wrapped in Gabriel’s arms, held tight as he tried not to fall apart.

  Gabriel steered Shad back toward the chairs, but when Shad went to sit in his, Gabriel stopped him and pulled him down on his lap instead. Shad wanted to protest that the mess he was in wasn’t over yet, that they still had to talk about it, but Gabriel tightened his arms around Shad’s waist and whispered, “I’m just holding you. Nothing more.”

  Shad slumped against his mate’s chest and let go. He needed the contact, the reassurance, and Gabriel was ready to give it to him, no strings attached. Why should he say no to that?