Living To Love You (Santos Family Series Book 4)

by KD Bryan

  Reaching for her, Rob gently pulled Jillian into his arms and against the solid strength of his chest. He could feel her body trembling, and for a moment Rob wondered if she wasn’t in shock. Rubbing Jillian’s back through the t-shirt she was wearing, Rob felt her shudder and held her tighter. He finally pulled back and looked into Jillian’s tear filled eyes.

  “Baby, what’s wrong? You have to talk to me, Jilli. You’re scaring the hell out of me here. Come on, let’s go sit down. You’re trembling all over… I’m going to grab a throw to put around you,” said Rob.

  Jillian looked at Rob through eyelids that were swollen from hours of crying. She’d called him…but then of course she had, because Jillian knew that Rob would always be the one she called. And thankfully today he’d been willing to answer one more call from her…on a day when she needed him more than she ever had before.

  Rob led Jillian to the couch and helped her sit on the plush cushions. He’d snagged a throw from a basked in the room, and he took a moment to drape it around her shoulders before taking a seat beside her. Rob took one of Jillian’s hands in his and frowned when he felt how cold her skin was. He instantly began rubbing the top of her hand with his free one trying to generate some warmth.

  “Jilli, what’s going on, sweetheart? I’ve never seen you like this. Talk to me, baby. I can’t help with whatever it is until I know what we’re dealing with,” he coaxed.

  Jillian pulled the throw around her body tighter and clutched the fabric in her free hand. She was so cold…it felt like she’d never be warm again. Fear was choking her, and she knew she was on the verge of losing it again now that Rob was here. With a shuddering breath, she forced down the panic and tried to collect her scattered thoughts enough to explain.

  “Rob, I went to the doctor today…that’s why I’m back in St. Louis actually,” she began hesitantly. Jillian wasn’t sure she could force the rest of the words out that she needed to say. Rob already had a concerned look on his face, and she knew it was only going to get worse.

  “Go on, Jillian. But just for the record…I saw you this morning,” said Rob. He noted the look of surprise that flashed across her face before he went on to explain.

  “I’d just left a client meeting at St. Elizabeth’s and I saw you going into the hospital. I was already in my car or I would’ve caught up with you. I even called Carli to see if you were meeting her for lunch or something,” he explained.

  Jillian bit her bottom lip and fought the sting of tears again. “No, like I said, I had an appointment today.”

  Rob squeezed her hand gently when he realized she was fighting tears again. “Go on, babe. Tell me. We can deal with anything…” he said.

  Jillian looked at the man sitting beside her and she wanted to beg him to take her away. She wanted Rob to pull her up from the sofa cushions and walk out the door because he had no idea what he was possibly committing to when he said they could deal with anything.

  “Rob…I don’t know how to start. A few weeks ago while I was showering I noticed some swelling in my left groin area…I didn’t really think much about it at the time. Then it began to get worse and I knew something wasn’t…right,” said Jillian, her voice faltering as she got to the end.

  Rob squeezed her hand in his and fought the churning in his gut that was telling him this wasn’t good. Encouraging her to go on, he said, “Was there pain? Did you notice anything else?”

  Shaking her head, Jillian said, “No, there wasn’t really any pain. Some slight tenderness, but no real pain. That’s why I didn’t think much about it at first. I thought maybe I’d pulled something while exercising or stretching. But then…then it got bigger, Rob.”

  Jillian paused for a moment, and Rob waited as she collected her thoughts. She was obviously struggling, and Rob squeezed Jillian’s hand again with his encouraging her to continue.

  “I finally realized I needed to see a doctor, but as you know I was in Greece. I decided to come home and see my family doctor about it. I actually flew in yesterday and stayed here last night,” she explained.

  “What did they say, Jillian? Did they do tests…x-rays, what?” asked Rob.

  “Rob, the doctor examined me in the office and then started asking me all kinds of questions. Did I have swelling anywhere else? Had I been running a fever, had a sore throat, night sweats…she just kept asking me all these different things…” she paused again before continuing in a tight voice.

  “Then she checked everywhere else…under my arms, my neck, and the other side of my groin area. Rob, she found more swelling under my left arm. She said it was small, but it was there.”

  “Jilli, what does this mean? Surely she did tests of some sort today…something that would give her some idea of what’s going on,” stated Rob anxiously.

  “Yes, she did blood work…and it wasn’t good, Rob. It was abnormal,” said Jillian.

  Rob suddenly felt the churning in his gut intensify. A part of him wanted to irrationally tell Jillian to just stop talking…to just not say the words out loud.

  “Rob, the doctor suspects…she suspects that I may have…something serious. She mentioned the word malignancy…and we have to rule that out,” she whispered brokenly.

  Rob reached for her just as Jillian’s body seemed to collapse toward his own. He pulled her onto his lap and simply rocked her while she sobbed into his chest. Blinking against the sting of tears in his own eyes, Rob fought to gain control knowing he had to stay strong for Jillian.

  When the storm of tears finally subsided, Rob pulled back saying, “Jillian, why does the doctor suspect this so quickly? Talk to me, I need to understand why she’s saying this.”

  Jillian swiped at the endless flow of tears and raised her eyes to meet Rob’s. She hated the anguished look on his face, but she didn’t know how to reassure him. She was drowning herself… drowning in fear and helplessness like she’d never felt before in her life.

  “Rob, evidently the lab results were pretty bad. Dr. Alston even consulted with another doctor on the phone after she looked at the report. I don’t know…she said my white blood cell count was abnormal, and some other tests she’d ordered were abnormal, too. She just kept using the word ‘abnormal’ every time she opened her mouth. I was so overwhelmed! I was panicked, and I didn’t know what to do,” cried Jillian, her voice shaking as she fought against tears again.

  Rob knew Jillian was about to break down again, but he needed her to stay focused so they could get through this. Taking both of her hands in his, Rob squeezed and lowered his face close to hers.

  “Jillian, look at me. Come on, look at me. We can do this, we’re going to figure this out, I promise. Try and hang in there with me, baby,” he pleaded quietly.

  Rob sighed quietly when Jillian finally raised her eyes to his. Her gaze seemed a little more focused now, and Rob took advantage of the fact to try and gain some additional information.

  “Tell me exactly what Dr. Alston said after she got off the phone with this other doctor,” encouraged Rob.

  “She said…let me think…that with the increased swelling in my lymph nodes, and the abnormal lab results, she was extremely concerned about the situation. She said the other doctor agreed with her…so now I have to undergo more tests. I have to have these other tests as soon as possible she said.”

  “What kinds of other tests? What are we talking about here?” persisted Rob.

  Jillian retrieved one of her hands from Rob’s and began nervously plucking at the material of the throw. Shaking her head, she said, “Biopsies…two of them. They’re going to biopsy my groin, as well as under my arm.”

  “When are they doing this?”

  “As soon as possible. Dr. Alston said she’d call me with all of the information.”

  Jillian looked at Rob and felt the sting of tears again. Blinking, she whispered, “Rob, I’m so scared.”

  Groaning quietly, Rob pulled Jillian into his arms and held her tightly against his chest. She was crying again, and he’
d never felt so helpless in his entire life. Cancer. Everyone knew that malignancy meant cancer. Rob’s head was spinning trying to wrap his thoughts around the possibility that this could be true. Maybe the doctors were wrong, though. Maybe the lab results had been misleading. Didn’t things like that happen sometimes? You’d get a call later saying, “Oh, hey, about that. The lab screwed up…things are good. Nothing to worry about after all.”

  Rob knew it was probably unrealistic thinking on his part since there’d obviously been enough evidence to warrant Dr. Alston recommending biopsies. Rob drew in a shaky breath and willed himself to pull it together. Jillian needed him, which meant he didn’t have the luxury of losing it himself right now.

  Rob dropped a kiss on Jillian’s head and tightened his hold. “I know you’re scared, babe. I understand that, but we’re going to get you through whatever happens. The biopsy reports may tell a different story altogether. We’ll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, I’m here and we’re just going to do what we have to do,” Rob assured her.

  Jillian shook her head and allowed herself to relax against the solid strength of Rob’s body. Wrapped up in his arms was a place she’d always felt safe. For the first time in hours, Jillian finally felt some of the bone gripping panic loosening its hold. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d felt as panicked and alone as she had while sitting in the exam room of Dr. Alston’s office. Even when her parents had fought to the bitter end in their divorce, Jillian had never felt the way she had today.

  Her mortality was suddenly staring her in the face with the utterance of one word…malignancy. She was thirty-two years old, and all Jillian knew was that she wasn’t ready to die. Not yet… there was still so much that she wanted to do and experience. The man holding her in his arms right now was unfinished business in her life as well. Today she’d realized that more than anything she wanted to resolve things with Rob once and for all.

  Courage does not always roar.

  Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at

  the end of the day saying…

  I will try again tomorrow.

  -Unknown

  Chapter Four

  The role of caretaker fell to Rob that evening as he alternated between comforting Jillian and simply trying to make sense of the whole situation. He finally managed to get some food into her, but only after basically pleading and begging. Rob prepared omelets and toast for the two of them after calling and have some things delivered from a nearby market, and he breathed a sigh of relief when Jillian managed to eat a small portion. She finally slid her plate toward him and Rob smiled despite himself. Jillian knew it was a foregone conclusion that yes, he’d want whatever she hadn’t eaten.

  After the kitchen was cleaned, Rob took Jillian by the hand and led her into the family room. Looking around, he realized that Jillian’s mom had changed the entire décor since the last time he’d been here. Monica…hell, Rob wasn’t even sure what her last name was at the present time. He thought she was still with husband number four, but he’d never learned the guy’s name. Monica was never satisfied with anything for very long, whether it be the paint color of her family room or the man she was currently married to.

  There’d never been any warm or fuzzy feelings between Rob and Monica through the years, but of course the same had held true for Jillian and her mom as well. Monica was a very self-centered person by nature, and her attention had never really extended to her only child it seemed. Jillian’s parents had divorced when she was only ten years old in a battle that had taken a negative toll on everyone. Jillian’s refuge had been the Santos house, and her friendship with Carli had grown into a bond that was indestructible.

  At the thought of his sister, Rob added another question to the list that made up his hellish day. Why had Jillian refused to allow him to call his sister? Rob had just automatically assumed that Carli was the person Jillian would’ve wanted by her side more than anyone else. And speaking of his sister, Rob had been ignoring phone calls from her since arriving to take care of Jillian. He knew Carli was probably frantic by now, but Rob really didn’t know what to do. Jillian had forbade him to call her, and Rob didn’t want to add to the stress of the situation they were already dealing with.

  After settling Jillian on the couch, Rob took a seat beside her and reached for her hand. He laced their fingers together and thought about all the times they’d done this exact thing through the years. Jillian had always been a very tactile person with him, but Rob knew she wasn’t that way with other people other than Carli and all the kids in the family.

  Jillian typically didn’t show physical affection toward anyone unless the situation really warranted it. Rob recalled the horrible day that Carli had been shot by a lunatic trying to take his baby from his estranged girlfriend. Jillian had flown in from Chicago and walked directly into his arms after stepping off the elevator at the hospital. She’d finally quit crying enough to move over to his parents who had enveloped her into their embrace like one of their own.

  It wasn’t lost on Rob that Jillian had practically been like one of their own through the years. Rob’s parents had taken a little girl who was being emotionally destroyed by her parents’ selfishness, and welcomed her into their home as well as into their family. Ric and Sylvia had made sure Jillian understood there was always a place for her at their house where she could come and feel wanted, as well as loved. His Abuela Rosita had always done the same, and had treated Jillian just like another grandchild.

  Rob glanced at Jillian where she sat beside him with her head leaned back and her eyes closed. He doubted there’d be much sleep for her tonight, and Rob imagined she was dreading the empty hours ahead. Everything always seemed far more ominous in the darkness of night no matter what the situation. In the meantime, Rob knew he needed to ask a few more questions because eventually they would need to have answers.

  “Jillian, why didn’t you want me to call Carli?” he asked quietly.

  Jillian sighed heavily before opening her eyes and rolling her head toward Rob. She simply didn’t know how to explain why she’d reacted the way she had today without sounding disloyal to her best friend.

  “Rob…I don’t know. Carli’s a nurse, and she understands everything medical. You know how she is. She dives in head first, and I knew she’d ask a million questions that I just couldn’t answer. She probably would’ve stormed Dr. Alston’s office and demanded to see the lab results. You know how she is,” repeated Jillian with a shrug of one shoulder.

  Rob knew Jillian had a valid point. Carli was just as Jillian had described when it came to anything medical, and sometimes Rob thought she’d missed her true calling by not going to med school and becoming a doctor. In the meantime, though, Rob knew he was going to have a very upset sister to deal with over this.

  “Jillian, I know what you’re saying is true, sweetheart. I know my sister, believe me. On the flip side, though, she’s going to be even more hurt and upset the longer you keep this from her. You and I both know she’s going to completely freak on both of us for not calling her immediately,” Rob argued gently. He didn’t want to upset Jillian, but he also knew that Jillian could see the truth in what he was saying.

  Before Jillian could respond, her cell phone rang where it lay beside her on the sofa. Rob watched as she looked at the screen and then he heard her sharp intake of breath. It only took a moment for him to realize that the caller was Dr. Alston, and Rob braced himself for what was coming.

  Jillian reached for the phone just as Rob said, “Wait, Jillian. Activate the speaker so I can hear everything she has to say.”

  Jillian threw a look in his direction, but then picked up her phone and complied. Rob watched her closely as Jillian held her phone in a hand that wasn’t quite steady.

  “Hello, this is Jillian,” she said quietly in greeting.

  “Jillian, hello. This is Dr. Alston, and I have some information for you regarding the tests we discussed earlier today,” said the doctor.

  Ji
llian cleared her throat nervously before answering, “Okay, yes…I’ve been waiting on your call. I have a close friend here with me, and I have my phone on speaker. He wants to hear whatever you’ve called to tell me. His name is Rob Santos.”

  Dr. Alston took a moment and then said, “Sylvia Barrett’s son, correct?”

  Jillian glanced at Rob, but only received a shoulder shrug in return. “Yes, that’s correct. Sylvia is Rob’s mother.”

  “Well, alright then. I must ask this next question, Jillian, so I can document your answer in my notes. Are you willingly allowing Rob Santos to listen to the information we’re about to discuss regarding your medical issues?”

  Caught off guard, Jillian’s gaze flew to Rob and saw the reassuring nod he gave her.

  “Yes, I’m willingly allowing Rob to listen, Dr. Alston.”

  “Jillian, as we discussed in my office today, I’m very concerned about this situation. The swelling you’re experiencing, along with the abnormal laboratory results, are indicative of several different things. Unfortunately, as I also explained, we can only arrive at a definitive diagnosis by doing a biopsy procedure. In this situation, the surgeon that I’ve consulted is in agreement that both sites need to be biopsied at this time,” explained the doctor.

  Rob took the opportunity to jump in and ask a question. “Dr. Alston, what exactly will the biopsy procedure entail? Will it be an extensive procedure or what? Frankly, Jillian is still a little overwhelmed by all of this as you can imagine.”

  “Yes, and I do understand completely. The procedure itself will be relatively simple, and will only require a same day surgery visit. The surgeon will make small incisions at both the groin and axilla areas, or under the arm, and remove lymph nodes from both sites. The excised nodes will then be sent to pathology for evaluation,” said Dr. Alston.

  Rob glanced at Jillian and noted she’d gone pale again while listening to the doctor explain everything that was going to happen, and he reached out taking her free hand in his to hold after a reassuring squeeze.