by Ivy Smoak
And just like that, he was back to being formal. "It's not. And please call me Penny."
He nodded. "All right, Penny. I just needed you to know that I was sorry. I thought...well, I didn't think. That was the problem. We had the perimeter checks and guest list..."
"You couldn't have known."
"It's my job to know."
I didn't know what to say to that. We all felt guilty about what had happened. It helped me to know that I wasn't the only one.
"He'll want me to hand in my letter of resignation once he gets out of this. And he will get out of it. But I'm not leaving until then. I won't let anyone into this room that doesn't have permission. I won't let anything happen to you. That was always Mr. Hunter's first priority. You should know that."
I did know that. But hearing it made my chest hurt. Because it felt like he was lying in that bed because of me. "You don't have to resign. I want you to stay."
He looked at me curiously for a second. Maybe he didn't believe I had the authority to make that decision. I probably didn't.
He nodded. "Thank you, Penny. But we'll see what he has to say when he wakes up." His optimism sounded forced.
I couldn't be the only one that believed he'd wake up. I needed someone that believed in him as much as I did. "Can you find Rob and tell him I need to see him?"
Porter nodded and stood up. "Of course. I'll go get him for you." He gave me one last smile and left me alone with James. Maybe it was just me, but his hand felt a little cooler. The beeping of his heart rate monitor sounded just a little slower.
"James, you need to be strong. Please wake up." I kissed the back of his hand. "Please, James. I need you to be strong for us." I ran my palm against my stomach. I was about to be strong. I was going to tell Rob about the baby. Maybe if I was strong enough to do that, James would be strong enough to wake up.
"Hey," Rob said as he came into the room. He looked exhausted. "Penny, I have some bad news."
Nothing could possibly be worse than what had already happened. "What is it?"
Rob pulled up a chair beside mine. "You got a call from James' lawyer this morning."
I had given Rob my phone. I couldn't handle the endless ringing. And I couldn't bear to talk to anyone. "What did he say?"
"Apparently James has a DNR."
"What's that?"
"Do not resuscitate. If his heart stops, he doesn't want them to restart it."
"No, he wouldn't have that. Maybe before he met me, but not now."
"I'm sorry, but he does have one. It was written before he met you, but he didn't change it. And he has updated his will since he's been with you."
I shook my head. "He was depressed. He had to have been depressed when he agreed to that. He wouldn't do that now. He must have just forgotten when he updated his will. Besides, they already restarted his heart when he got here. They already broke the DNR."
"They didn't know. It's not in his medical record. But the lawyer is forwarding them a copy of his DNR now."
I shook my head. "Rob, you can't let them send that to the hospital. If something happens, they'll just let him die. You have to do something."
"There isn't anything I can do. It's what James wanted."
"No. He wouldn't want that. He wouldn't leave me without fighting. He promised me he wouldn't leave me."
"Penny," Rob said and put his hand on my knee.
I immediately stood up. "Don't I have some say in this? I'm his wife."
"I'm sorry."
"You can't let them send it."
"I've tried everything."
"I need him. I can't. Rob, there have been so many times I thought I lost him. And I know I can't. I can't live without him. We can't live without him."
"If this is what he wanted, we can be strong for him."
"Stop giving up on him!"
"I'm not giving up on him!" He stood up too. "You think I want this? You think I want to watch my brother die without anyone doing anything? Penny, this is killing me too. Like you just said...we can't live without him."
"No. You don't understand." It felt like I couldn't breathe. I swallowed hard. No one understood.
"What don't I understand?" He put his hands on my shoulders. "What aren't you telling me? What have you been hiding from me ever since we got to this fucking hospital? Why won't you let me in? Why won't you let me help you?!"
"I'm pregnant." My voice was an exasperated sob.
"Shit." He immediately put his arms around me.
I wasn't sure if he had meant to say it out loud, but his words seemed to echo around the small room. Shit.
"I'm going to be an uncle?"
I nodded into his chest.
"I'm going to be an uncle," he whispered wistfully. He sighed and rubbed my back before releasing me from his hug. "Okay. Fuck James' wishes. I'm going to go burn down his lawyer's building."
"What?"
"Unless you have a better idea."
"Find out when he submitted the DNR to his lawyer. And hire your own lawyer to figure out if I can veto it as his new wife."
"I'll do that first. You're right, arson should never be the first option."
I smiled and sat back down. It seemed like years had passed since I had heard Rob make a joke.
"I'm going to be an uncle." His smile was contagious. "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?"
"No, I haven't had an ultrasound. I'm going to do it when James wakes up."
"Okay." He nodded vigorously. "Good thinking. I'm gonna go make a few calls. I'm gonna fix this."
"I haven't told anyone else yet. Can you maybe just keep it between us right now?"
"Of course." He was already at the door. But he quickly rushed back over and kissed my forehead. "No matter what happens, you're not alone, Penny. You'll never have to raise it alone."
I nodded. His words were comforting, but they made me cringe at the same time. I couldn't raise this baby without James. I couldn't. "Thank you." I nodded again.
I watched him run out the door and then I grabbed James' hand again. Telling Rob made it seem more real. I was pregnant. James and I were going to have a baby. "It's time to wake up now. James, you need to wake up. We need you."
Chapter 25
Tuesday
Mason and James' father had done what they promised. They had gotten Melissa out of jail on bail. But she wasn't allowed anywhere near the hospital. I didn't ask Mason how much bail was, but I knew it had to be a lot. She was still their prime suspect. At least she was out, though. Shaken up, but out.
Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to be relieved. They couldn't find any evidence that Isabella was behind the shooting. And each day that passed, I had this eerie feeling that someone was watching me.
But the worst part was that nothing seemed to be able to wake James up. Nothing.
Rob couldn't bury the DNR. The hospital had gotten it this morning. I had told James' doctor that I wanted her to disregard it. She had explained to me that she always has to do what's in her patient's best interest. But I didn't understand. How could it be in his best interest to leave this world? When he was finally happy? When we were finally allowed to be happy? And what the doctor didn't realize was that if James died, I'd die too.
It hurt so much, I couldn't even think straight. And the longer James lay there, the worse I felt. I couldn't eat. I couldn't keep going without him. I just couldn't.
I let the tears run down my cheeks.
I felt so ashamed. I should have been stronger for the baby. But I couldn't be. Not without James. He was the only reason I was still breathing. And when he stopped, I knew my heart would too. I was nothing without him. I was weak. Because there was no me without him. There couldn't be.
Chapter 26
Wednesday
I woke up in the middle of the night freezing cold. I was hunched over in the chair beside James' bed, curled up in a ball. My eyes blinked in the darkness. The only light in the room was the medical equipment and the moon shining in through the windows.
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I felt like I needed to throw up again. But I didn't have anything left to throw up. I was going to be a bad mother. Because I was selfish. Because I didn't know how to live without James. And every day that passed it seemed more likely that I'd need to.
The beeping was all I could hear in the room. The constant beeping. The beeping that was slowly driving me insane.
I wrapped my arms around myself and stood up. Despite how cold I felt, that wasn't why I had woken up. I was dreaming of our wedding night and what could have been. I let a small smile unfold on my lips. I pictured his hands on me, whispering that I was his wife. And he had let me slowly take off his tie and tuxedo jacket. I had unbuttoned his shirt and found his tattoo. His wedding present. The present I had completely forgotten about.
I glanced at the door. No one was going to come in right now. I needed to find it. I needed to see his gift to me. I slowly climbed onto his bed and lay down beside him.
He didn't smell like James. He smelled like the cheap shaving cream they had let me shave his face with and the soap I sponged him with. I ran my fingers down the scruff that was already forming on his face again. I wanted to kiss him, but there was a tube down his throat. Instead I gently ran my index finger across his bottom lip.
"Wake up, James. Please. You promised you wouldn't leave me. You told me this love was forever and always."
Nothing.
Every time he didn't respond, it killed me a little more inside. I slowly pulled down the front of his hospital gown, revealing tons of wires attached to his chest, monitoring his heartbeat. The tattoo wasn't on his chest. I kept pulling.
First I saw the bandage on his ribcage. Where they had fixed his punctured lung. I gently kissed the bandage. Then I saw the larger bandage on his stomach, the evidence of his ruptured spleen. I gently kissed the second bandage. But there was no tattoo.
I had the strangest feeling that maybe this wasn't James. Maybe this was some imposter, and James was somewhere happy and healthy. Somewhere away from me. Somewhere where no one would try to hurt him. But I knew that wasn't true. I knew every contour of his six pack. I knew the line of his happy trail.
I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat as I pulled the gown down his arms. There was the bandage on his arm. Stitches. I should have been counting my blessings, not my husband's fatal wounds. All three, so close to his heart that it broke mine even more.
Again, there was no tattoo. Where was it? I moved his arm slightly and looked along the inside of his bicep. And that's when I saw it. On the side of chest, hidden by his arm. Because it was personal. It was only for me to see. Because he was mine and I was his.
"James." I ran my finger up and down the pulse of the tattoo. "You promised me forever. Getting married was supposed to be our new beginning. Not the end." I was choking on my words. "It's too soon! You have to wake up. I need you. I need you!"
I splayed my hand on his chest. "Wake up! You have to wake up! I need you. Baby, please, I need you." I pressed the side of my head against his chest. I needed to hear his heartbeat. I needed to know he was going to be okay. "Please, James. You promised. Please don't leave me like this. Please don't leave us."
And that's when I saw it. His index finger moved.
Chapter 27
Wednesday
"It's not like you see in the movies," the doctor said. "It takes a long time to come out of a coma. Give him time. Keep talking to him. And you need to eat something."
It took me a second to realize she was reprimanding me. "Yes, absolutely," I said.
"Penny, I meant now. You're not doing James any favors by starving yourself and your baby."
I stared down at James' face. He was going to wake up. He was fighting to come back to me.
"His mother and father have requested to come see him. Maybe head down to the food court and get some breakfast?"
I didn't want to be anywhere near James' mother. I couldn't handle her negativity and her harsh glances. She never said it, but I knew she blamed me. I had somehow broken her perfect daughter-in-law. What she didn't seem to realize was that this was who Isabella was all along. Manipulative, conniving, toxic. I didn't do that. And if anything, James' mother fueled her behavior.
I looked back up at the doctor. "But he's going to be okay? He's going to wake up?"
"It's looking good." She gave me a reassuring smile.
I nodded. "Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes." I glanced once more at James before leaving the room.
Porter and Briggs were both outside James' hospital room, with their arms folded across their chests, looking very much the part of security guards.
"Is it true?" Briggs asked. "He's moving?"
"He's been tapping his index finger and thumb. The doctor said it was a good sign. He's going to wake up." It was the first time I had said those words, and a smile spread across my face. He's going to wake up!
Briggs closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. For some reason I wouldn't have guessed he was a religious man. But he seemed to be thanking God right now.
"I'm going to go get some breakfast. Do either of you want anything?"
"I'll come with you," Porter said.
"No, that's okay. I'm just grabbing something to eat."
"I'm coming with you." He nodded at Briggs and started walking toward the elevator.
Briggs smiled at me and I quickly followed Porter. I was happy to have them both around. I still felt on edge. Every now and then, I'd get this eerie feeling that someone was watching me. I glanced over my shoulder before stepping onto the elevator.
Porter was silent as the elevator descended.
"Thank you," I said. "For staying outside the room. And making sure no one came in."
He nodded and looked down at the ground.
"He's going to be okay, Cole."
He looked up at me and smiled. "I still prefer Porter."
"James is going to be so surprised that I was able to trick you into telling me your first name."
"I was trying to cheer you up."
I shrugged my shoulders. "It still counts."
He shook his head as the doors dinged open.
"What would you like to eat?" I asked as I stepped off the elevator.
"I've already had breakfast, Penny." He leaned against a wall and folded his arms.
For some reason I had thought he'd be eating with me, not just watching me. But he had called me Penny instead of ma'am or Mrs. Hunter. That was a good start. "Are you sure?"
"Rob is over there," Porter said and nodded toward a table in the center of the cafeteria.
I turned my head. I knew the doctor had told everyone the good news already, but I hadn't seen Rob yet. I had requested to be alone with James while she told everyone. I just needed to be close to him. I always needed that.
Rob was sitting with Daphne. She had her hand on the side of his face and they were smiling at one another. Seeing Rob like this made me so happy. I liked Daphne. She seemed so grounded and that was exactly what Rob needed. I had never seen him look at anyone the way he was looking at her right now. He was in love. I would never ask him if he was, because I wouldn't want him to freak out about it. But that's what I was witnessing right now. Love.
I didn't want to intrude on their moment. I had already monopolized his time in the past week and a half, begging him to stay with me and James. I hadn't even thought about the fact that he was probably missing her. Actually, I hadn't thought about anyone else at all. I touched my stomach. I needed to eat. When James woke up, I wanted to tell him that we were having a healthy baby. After breakfast I'd ask to have the ultrasound.
I turned toward the line of food.
"Penny!"
I turned around to see Rob running toward me. When he reached me, he immediately wrapped his arms around me and lifted me into the air. "He's going to be okay!" He laughed as he spun me around in a circle. "Oh, shit." He immediately set me back down on my feet. "You don't think that hurt the baby?"
> Not more than me not eating for the past week. "No. Of course not." But I really had no idea what I could and couldn't do while I was pregnant. I knew literally nothing about being a mother. And I suddenly felt completely unprepared.
"Hey," Daphne said and gave me a hug. "Let me get you something to eat. You must be starving."
I could have imagined it, but it seemed like she had glanced down at my stomach. I stared at Rob as Daphne walked away.
He looked guilty.
"Did you tell her?"
He shrugged. "I'm sorry. You can't tell me something like that and expect me to keep it to myself. It's exciting news. Everyone should know."
"And everyone can know as soon as James does."
Rob nodded and gave me a big smile. "I'm going to be an uncle."
I laughed. "Yes. So who else did you tell?"
"Just Daphne, I swear. I have this thing where I don't want to keep anything from her. Everything just kind of spills out."
I smiled. "That's good." In a lot of ways Rob was like James. I was glad to know that they didn't share the keeping secrets from their loved ones trait. Nothing good ever came from that.
"Yeah. But I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, it's okay. It's sweet that you wanted to share the good news with her."
"And she won't tell anyone. She's always just hanging out with me anyway."
"Rob, that's incredibly sweet."
He shrugged. "Why does everyone seemed surprised when I do something sweet? I'm a sweet guy." He winked at me.
"Because usually you're acting inappropriate."
"Me?" He pretended to look shocked. "What are you talking about, my new favorite MILF?"
"And there it is." I rolled my eyes at him.
He laughed and pulled me in for another hug. "He's really going to be okay?"
"The doctor said it was looking good. He's waking up. It's going to take a few days, but, he's waking up." I could feel myself getting teary eyed. He's coming back to me.
Rob kissed my forehead and then released me from his hug.
"I have a favor to ask. At first I thought I should wait for James. But I haven't been eating and I'm worried maybe...I don't know if...I just want to make sure the baby is okay."
