Beginning with Forever

by Lan LLP

  “There’s one more item in there.” I reach in and pull out a memory stick with a ‘Carson’s Playlist’ tag attached to it. Cute. I’m curious to hear what songs he’s picked for me. I’m a huge believer in the power of music. Some people say it’s powerful enough to heal the soul. Maybe Carson believes in this, too. Maybe he’s hoping to incite memories of us through these songs he’s specifically selected for me. His attention to detail never ceases to amaze me.

  I place Carson’s beautiful frame on the shelf next to my other cherished picture. The smile on his face tells me he’s happy with the location. “What a perfect spot for it!” he playfully exclaims and tugs me into his arms. A modest kiss is placed on my lips instead of his usual knee-buckling one due to his respect for Amelia’s presence.

  “You’re one in a billion, Carson Bradley,” I whisper to him and grin.

  His charming smile grows wider. “And so are you, baby. I know you have a lot of catching up to do with your friend, so I won’t keep you long. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to come back later tonight for a goodnight kiss.”

  I give him a playful frown. “I hope it’s more than just a kiss.” He shakes his head and flaunts a promising smile.

  “Until this evening, Angel. Amelia,” he bids us farewell and walks out of my room.

  As soon as the door closes behind Carson, Amelia drags out an armful of magazines and dumps them on my bed. What is this all about?

  “Lily, I want to prepare you for tomorrow. These magazines have been circulating all over campus since yesterday. I’m sure people will be staring and talking shit about you. You need to ignore them,” she forewarns me.

  “What kind of stuff are they saying about me, Ame?” I’m immediately upset.

  I grab the first magazine and see a picture of Carson kissing my hand as we entered the Tower Place condo in Chicago. The caption says, Secret affair with once again untamed Bachelor. How long will this one last? The second magazine has a picture of Carson giving me a kiss on my cheek at his charity function next to a picture of him dancing intimately with Bianca. Who’s the mystery woman, the Marriage Wrecker? Which woman will win his heart, if he has one? I can’t believe what I’m reading. My private life no longer exists as I’m smeared across every gossip magazine cover. I’m portrayed as the evil woman who stole Carson from his heart-broken fiancée. I’m totally humiliated. What will my mother think when she finds out? Crap, I haven’t talked to her this entire week.

  “Ame, did my mother call for me?” I nervously ask Amelia even though I already know the answer. My mother calls me routinely every weekend and rarely ever misses. I’m never allowed to call her unless it’s an absolute emergency because of the long distance fees.

  “Um…yes, several times, but I covered for you,” she worriedly replies. My stomach knots up immediately while my chest tightens from her shaky response. What have I done?

  Reaching for my phone with tremendous guilt and anxiety, I press ‘Mom’ to connect us. My eyes well up with tears, thinking about how disappointed she is in me. After the third ring, she picks up with no greetings, just the subtle sound of her heavy breathing.

  “Hi Mom, I’m sorry I missed your calls.” I attempt to ease myself into a normal conversation while holding back my tears.

  “Lily, what are you doing with that kind of man?” she heatedly lectures me. “He only uses women. You need to end it now before it goes too far!” Her raging tone is new to me. I’ve never heard her so upset with me.

  “But Mom, he’s different with me. I trust him.” I do my best to defend Carson’s integrity.

  “Lily, what do you know about men? You’ve never even had a boyfriend. Please don’t tell me you’ve had sex with him.” Her voice begins to quiver. I know she’s quietly crying on the other end.

  “Mom, please don’t be unhappy because of me,” I plead as tears cascade down my face, hoping she’ll forgive me. I’ve limited my entire life to only do things that I thought would make my mother happy. She’s experienced enough hurt in her life, so I vowed not to add any more to it.

  “Honey, I’m not sad because of you. I don’t want you to end up being used and broken. Those rich men don’t know what love is. I want to protect you. You’re all that I have, Lily.” Her voice is now soft and tender, full of warmth and emotion. It makes me want to cry again, hearing this more affectionate side or her.

  “I understand Mom. You’re all that I have, too. I love you.”

  “I love you, Lily. Don’t see that man anymore!” she convinces me.

  “I have to go for now. I’ll wait for your call next week, Mom.” I’m a sobbing mess as soon as we disconnect. How can I stop seeing Carson when all I want to do is spend every available minute with him? As much as I love my mom and want to abide by her wishes, I can’t let him go. She’s not disappointed in me. She’s concerned for my heart. I justify. Carson makes my heart happy, so she should be okay with him.

  Amelia offers me her consoling arms, and I gratefully accept them. My simple life just became more complicated as it continues to spiral into a crazy tornado. “Lily, I’m always here for you, girl. You know I got your back,” she assures me.

  “Thanks, Ame.” I wipe my runny nose and eyes with my sleeve and force myself to suck it up. “Why can’t he be my Mr. Happy Ending without the strings attached?” I ask Ame while trying to contain my hitched breathing.

  “A hot package like him is so worth it. You just need to figure out how to cut those damn strings,” Amelia replies with a smirk. She’s absolutely right, he’s worth fighting for.

  “Do you have a sharp pair of scissors I can borrow?” I jokingly ask and squeeze her one more time.

  ____________________

  Against my approval, Carson had his assistant pack most of the items he bought for me. I left my place with a small carryon bag and came home with an enormous new suitcase. Believe me; I can be quite a stinker when provoked, but it didn’t faze him one tiny bit. As I unpack layers of new clothes, I pull out a familiar white linen shirt that doesn’t belong to me. Carson’s unique scent fills my nose as I inhale it. There’s a note tucked in the front pocket.

  No panties shirt for special FaceTime nights.

  I giggle to myself. Leave it to Carson to be able to cheer me up in spirit even when he’s not present or aware of my sadness. He packed the linen shirt that I wore without panties the morning after he made love to me for the first time. I remember him telling me how sexy it looked on me. While he’s still fresh in my thoughts, I think I’ll download his playlist into my iPod via my laptop. It’s a compilation of all genres, ranging from classical to R&B’s and ‘80s. I recognize several of the songs at the top of his list. The music is doing exactly what he’s hoping for. I’m already reminiscing about our first night, the chick flick he couldn’t stop watching, and the dance we shared with his parents. This man is just too good to be true.

  Ugh…I need to bury my brain deep into my textbooks. Play time is over. The five pound pharmacology book is foreign to me as I gaze vacantly at it. With all that’s going on in my head, it’s impossible for me to absorb anything that I attempt to read. How can I? My concentration is everywhere, but here, and then I hear knocking on the door. It easily startles both Amelia and me. With all the unwanted excitement surrounding me today, every little commotion makes me skittish. Fortunately, the familiar rhythm of knocks is a secret code for none other than Richard. Amelia anxiously answers it. We’re both delighted to see him. He’s casually dressed in shorts and a red NYC t-shirt and has a package in his hands.

  “I bring you ladies the best hot dogs in the world, fresh from Gray’s Papaya in Manhattan,” he proudly brags, showing us his pearly whites. I miss seeing his charming smile. It’s comforting to me, especially with everything that’s happened between us.

  “Richard, we’ve missed you!” Amelia squeals out loud. She gives him one of her beloved hugs and then excitedly removes the thermal package from his hands.

  “Yummy! I can’t w
ait to sink my teeth into these. They smell delicious.” She unzips the bag and inhales the strong aroma of hotdog, onions and ketchup with pleasure. My body shudders from a whiff of it.

  Amelia sets the hotdogs down and holds her arms out besides her. “Three musketeer hug!” she reminds Richard and me. Oh boy, we’ve left her alone for too long this time. Richard and I look at each other awkwardly. She’ll be pissed if we deny her this hug she master-minded. We step closer towards her. A triangle is formed with our arms overlapping one another and our heads are in the center as we squeeze tightly. Amelia’s face lights up with a huge grin.

  Richard stares intently into my eyes and notices how red they are. “So, you’ve read the dirty tabloids, I take it. No one believes that shit, Lil, especially your friends.” His encouraging words make my eyes water again. I’m blessed to have him and Amelia in my life, my amazing support system away from home.

  “Thanks, Richard. I’m a leaky faucet today.” I blink several tears from my eyes, causing them to run down my face. He traces the pads of his thumbs across my cheeks and wipes them away.

  “I’m always here for you, Lil,” he offers, leaving me speechless. Why does he have to be so sweet to me? Now I have guilt to add to my already crazy list of emotions. “Let’s eat some hotdogs!” Richard excitedly hollers out, ending my uneasiness.

  I’m already nauseous from the first whiff. There’s no way I’ll be able to even take a small bite without hurling it back up. I hate to be ungrateful, but I just can’t handle another vomiting episode. Coming clean is the only way I’ll get out of eating it. I trust them both with all my heart to confide my hunch about my nausea. I tell them that I might have contracted the children’s illness from the hospital. They’re both upset for me, but willingly extend their support, and promise to keep my secret for me.

  After Richard leaves our room, Amelia considerately pulls out the curtain that divides our room for my privacy. We’ve never had to use this curtain before because Amelia and I enjoy each other’s company. “Ame, he’s just stopping by for a little smooch. I don’t think all of this is necessary.” I roll my eyes at her.

  “Lily, I’m preparing for what if.” Her expression is playful and devious. She knows me better than I give her credit for.

  Carson is surprised to see our privacy curtain when he enters our room. He gives me a wickedly handsome smile. I shrug my shoulders innocently with my hands in the air. “What’s going on here?” He pretends to be naïve.

  “Ame thinks we need some privacy for our goodnight kiss.”

  “I see. I’d love to know how hot Amelia’s kisses are if she requires an entire privacy screen.” We both laugh at the thought.

  “What are you two laughing about?” Amelia yells from the other side of the curtain.

  “You!” we exclaim simultaneously and continue laughing. My mood improves significantly thanks to the wonderful people in my life.

  “Since Ame has gone through all this trouble, will you stay the night with me?” I persuade him.

  “Lil, I never intended on leaving you tonight.” He pulls me into his arms. His lips part mine, creating a sizzling path for his tongue to enter. My face and neck are caressed in his hands. We both fall back on top of my bed, still passionately connected with our kissing. My body is on top of his. I undo just the top three buttons to reveal his lean neck and collar bone for my benefit. I trail soft kisses along there as I inhale his alluring scent. There’s something unique about his scent that drives me wild. With Amelia on the other side of the curtain, we respectfully stick to only kissing and touching for the evening. It’s not an easy request for Carson, but he manages reasonably.

  “I sleep so much better when you’re with me,” I whisper to him.

  “Then come with me. I promise I’ll hold you in my arms every night,” he pleads wholeheartedly again.

  “I wish it was that easy. What if I ask you to give up your life to be with me?” I give him a pondering question.

  “As much as I want you to be with me, I’ve actually considered it. I’m willing to give it all up for you. Things in my life are uncertain when you’re not with me. I can be rich with love. You’ve showed me it’s possible.” There’s no greater test for Carson’s devotion than for him to contemplate leaving his life’s work to be with me. If he’s willing then I should consider compromising.

  “No promises, but I’ll finish this school year and then consider Harvard if they’ll accept me.”

  He wraps his arms even tighter around me and kisses my forehead. “You’ve made me the happiest man on campus tonight.” Only a man in love can sincerely express this kind of euphoria over a hopeful promise. He’s making it so much harder for me to let him go.

  ____________________

  Carson is no doubt a morning person. I wake up to find him missing from my bed again. Our privacy curtain is pulled back, and he has breakfast ready for all three of us, fresh pastries, hot coffees and juice, especially for me. His mood is incredibly optimistic, holding on to my compromise of possibly moving to Boston with him after this year.

  Amelia winks at me. “Damn it, Lil, where can I find a man like him? Carson, do you have a twin brother for me?” she teases us. He gives her one of his mesmerizing killer dimpled smiles, and you’d think her eyeballs popped out of her sockets.

  “Amelia, I’m sorry, but there’s just one of me,” he tells her in his most sensual voice, causing goose bumps to plague my entire body and hers too, I’m sure. The adorable smirk on his face further adds to his agonizing seduction.

  “And he’s all mine,” I giddily and possessively perk up. I claim him mine with a kiss, and he smiles proudly.

  We part ways after breakfast. Carson promised to help figure out the cause for the island’s nausea-vomiting epidemic among infants and young toddlers. He’ll be working from his villa while I face the real world alone this morning.

  The continuous staring and whispering is annoying the heck out of me as I walk from one lecture hall to the next. I coax myself to ignore them, but it doesn’t help. I was born with an extra-sensitive gene, making me care too much about how I affect someone’s feelings or well-being. I have anxiety and lose sleep if I know or think I’m the cause of it. By the last class of the day, I am ready to dig a deep hole and stick my head in it. Thank goodness, the paparazzi aren’t allowed pass the gated entrance or I would have them to contend with, also.

  ____________________

  The next two days are repeats of the first day, more staring, finger pointing and whispering. I wish I could have Carson wrap his arms around me and shield me from people’s cruelty. I haven’t seen him for two days because he’s been busy working with the hospitals to find a solution for the vomiting epidemic. I’ve purposely blocked him out of my emotional crisis. He doesn’t need to add my stress on top of his existing heavy load.

  After my first lecture, I have strict orders to see the Dean in his office. I’m not looking forward to it because I know it’ll be full of crappy news for me. I sit restlessly outside his office, waiting for my appointment. My legs are nervously shaking and my palms are soaked. The secretary finally calls my name. I stand up and slowly walk into his office. I’ve never been called into the principal’s office for any reason through all my years of schooling. I’ve always been a modeled-student, so I don’t know how to handle this.

  “Miss Ly, how are you today?” he politely greets me.

  “Fine,” I reply timidly. I’m positive he didn’t call me into his office to ask me about my health.

  “You must know why I requested to see you? Our school has been receiving a lot of unsolicited attention from the public because of you and Mr. Bradley. I don’t want this dilemma to jeopardize the integrity of this place or affect your bright future. All I’m asking is for you to keep your relationship more.” His voice is even and calm, but the stern look on his face tells me that he’ll be intolerant of any forthcoming problems from me. I can handle this soft spoken reprimand much better than a screa
ming match.

  “I understand, sir, and will try my best. To be honest, I’m shocked at how much attention we’ve received,” I assure him with my trembling voice.

  “Very well, Miss Ly. Keep up the good work. Dr. Stanford continually speaks highly of you and your efforts at the hospital,” he bids me farewell on a positive note.

  “Thank you, sir,” I quickly reply with a small sigh of relief. I rush out of his office, stressed. My knees are weak and my legs want to give out. How can I avoid being seen with Carson and still spend time with him? I don’t want the Dean to call me into his office a second time. Once is plenty for me. I immediately feel nauseous. My whole damn world is crashing in on top of me, burying me alive.

  Amelia and I decide to take an early lunch to avoid the crowd. Just my luck, they’re offering a smorgasbord of various meats, cooked Brazilian style. I quickly grab a salad, some fruit and head for a seat outside the cafeteria to avoid the overwhelming smell of meat. Amelia considerately purchases a salad and yogurt instead of her usual lunch meat sandwich. My salad settles fairly well until a light breeze blows the grilled meat aroma in my direction. I rush over to the trashcan and hurl up my salad. Several people watch me, but no one offers any sympathy. Amelia pats my back and grabs my books for me.

  “I think I’ll skip my next class. I’ll study from your notes, if that’s okay with you, Ames.”

  “No problem. Get some rest,” she encourages while looking worried for me.

  I run back to my dorm room and lock myself in. My phone vibrates, and I see Carson’s handsome face on the screen. Ame must’ve called him. She’s been extra protective since that drunken night I had with her and Richard. She still feels guilty for letting Richard convince her to stay at the bar instead of coming home with me.

  “Hello,” I answer.

  “Lily, are you okay? I’ll be there in half an hour,” he ends the call and doesn’t give me a chance to accept or deny. I haven’t seen him in two long agonizing days. We’ve been communicating either by phone or texting. I walk over to the bathroom to wash up and prep myself before Carson gets here. I’m aghast by my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are sunken in with dark circles, my skin is pale, and I look sickly gaunt. How can Carson find me the slightest bit attractive? I’m even more depressed. I do my best to cover the dark circles under my eyes and change into a looser shirt to divert his attention away from my emaciated body.