Engaging Love: A Historical Regency Romance Novel

by Abby Ayles

  If she had heard about the charming Lord Ridgecleff and his travels on the Continent, then surely others had as well. And those others would be as drawn to the alluring idea of him as she had been before she’d known him.

  All the women were swapping stories and staring at him. She saw many a woman in fact try to approach him only to realize they could not interrupt his conversation with his friend without being unforgivably rude about it.

  Natalie wasn’t sure what to think about it.

  On the one hand she wanted to take all of those women and tell them what Lord Ridgecleff was really like. She wanted to disillusion them about him so that they would leave him alone and stop drooling after him like dogs.

  On the other hand, she couldn’t blame them. He did cut a rather dashing figure. And he was witty and entertaining when he wanted to be. They had always enjoyed teasing one another when they were managing to get along.

  Why shouldn’t the other women see all the good in him? For he was good. There was no manner of the cad about him. Natalie had found that a man could be charming and good, or charming and a cad, and it was simply a matter of paying attention to tell which was which.

  Lord Ridgecleff was a man who was charming but a good man. One that could be depended upon. He would be reliable. He wouldn’t leave his future wife feeling bereft or drive them to ruin or disfavor.

  Of course, Lord Ridgecleff wouldn’t choose one of these simpering girls. Natalie knew this not only because she now knew his nature but because he had disapproved of her, and she had once been one of these girls. She’d had a similar nature.

  She did still love the balls and the conversation. But now she found that she was less inclined to talk about herself. She found she enjoyed listening to what others had to say rather than simply dominating the conversation herself as she used to.

  She also found that she was less inclined towards certain forms of gossip. Trading information was all well and good. But she no longer wished to engage in certain more…mean-spirited forms of discussion.

  It surprised her, to find that she had changed so much. She hadn’t noticed until now. Was this how change always was? Something that you didn’t notice happening until it had already happened?

  That did not keep her from fully enjoying the ball, however. And she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she could not make Lord Ridgecleff happy in this way.

  He ought to be with a woman who would appreciate him. Any one of these ladies would be more than eager to be engaged to him. And he to them.

  What had she done to appreciate him? What had she done to show him her care for him?

  There were surely plenty of women who would give him what he wanted. What he needed. A woman that he would actually enjoy being around instead of tolerating.

  Natalie suddenly wanted to sink into the floor. Hearing all of these women talking about him like this, it made her almost ill. Both with jealousy, and with sadness.

  If his father…well, she couldn’t break off the engagement. His father would think that it was somehow Lord Ridgecleff’s fault and would disown him. She couldn’t do that to him. But if she stayed with him, how could she truly make him happy?

  She’d been an idiot to think that they could actually become something. All that time at Mountbank had been nothing more than an illusion. Like one of those small fragile bubbles that you could blow. Beautiful and iridescent and ultimately temporary. Popping with the slightest touch from the outside.

  There had been a kind of balance, of something, achieved between them while at Mountbank. But that must be all that she could hope for. The way these women were staring at him…she wanted to storm across the room and take his hand, glare at anyone who thought of approaching him.

  He might not love her back but he was hers. She wanted to remind every single woman of that. Them with their tales and stories about him. None of them truly knew Lord Ridgecleff. They didn’t know that he actually wanted to spend most of his time reading or that he was a horribly early riser or that he fretted constantly over taking care of his family and his family name.

  None of them knew how wonderful he was. They thought he was wonderful but in a completely different way. And a part of Natalie never wanted them to know, wanted it to keep being her little secret, something she knew only from spending so much time with him.

  But she had no right to do that. He probably wanted one of these other women instead of her. And why wouldn’t he?

  She was selfish, as he’d made it oh so clear to her during their argument. She maintained that he had things to work on as well.

  None of these women cooing over him knew that either. Did they know that he wasn’t perfect? That he was the better man for it? No man was perfect, as she was starting to realize. But Lord Ridgecleff had admitted to his faults and let her scold him in a way that she was certain few other men would or did.

  Natalie felt a bit like she ought to sit down. She felt dizzy. Was this what love felt like? Sick in the pit of your stomach while the room spun? Knowing that you so badly wanted to claim someone as your own for good and proper when you couldn’t?

  If his father were dead she’d release him from it. Tell him to go and find the woman who could be his proper companion.

  He’d be sorry, of course. He was a good man and would worry about whatever ridicule she might come under for her behavior. Everyone would have an opinion, of course.

  But she would find someone else. Maybe not someone for whom she felt so strongly but surely someone would want her now that she was not so awfully selfish. Or at least trying not to be.

  Loving your husband was all well and good but what if he didn’t love you back? Didn’t that mean you had a duty to release him and let him be with someone with whom he would be happy? Wasn’t staying with him for your own feelings selfish?

  Natalie had not intended to trap him into a dance when she had told the gentlemen that her next dance was taken by him. She had intended to slip out to the toilette or some such thing to avoid any awkwardness.

  But then he had come to her, smiling softly, and she couldn’t say no.

  Her heart was in her throat the entire time they danced. It was a good thing that she was so practiced at the quadrille for she could not remember the steps had she tried to concentrate. Her body went through the motions. Her mind, however, was simultaneously elsewhere and intensely, detrimentally focused on Lord Ridgecleff.

  Why did he have to be so witty, so teasing and flirtatious? He reminded her of all the things she wanted and couldn’t have.

  There were a few times during their dance where he got this look in his eyes…she couldn’t decipher it. It was an almost hurt look, sort of sad but not quite.

  He must have been contemplating his future with her. How awful it was to him. The sadness that he should not be able to spend the rest of his life with someone he truly loved.

  It made Natalie quite sick to even contemplate. When she asked him what the matter was and he denied it with a jest, she knew for certain. He was lying to spare her feelings, of course. To tell the truth would be both rude and improper seeing as they were in a dance. No place for a marital spat.

  And what use was there for him in arguing about it, anyway? She cursed this wretched arrangement. Once she had cursed it for herself but now she cursed it for his sake. It was his father’s wishes and judgment that imprisoned her lord in an unhappy state of impending marriage.

  Perhaps, when they returned to Mountbank, there was some way she could persuade the earl? He seemed to like her quite a bit.

  Maybe, if she was persuasive enough, she could convince him of his son’s seriousness towards his birthright and his duty. She could persuade him that Lord Ridgecleff did not truly need a bride yet. He could manage Mountbank quite well and take his time in finding someone.

  After all, what man did not want his son to be truly happy? And the earl would see—she’d make him see—that his son was not truly happy with Natalie. Once he understood that he had to al
low her to break off the engagement. He’d let his son take his time finding someone with whom he could truly share his life and his heart.

  The thought made Natalie want to burst into tears. She had thought that their different temperaments would render them unable to truly connect with one another. That they would forever be at odds.

  Now it felt as though they balanced one another out. She didn’t mind being in Mountbank for quite a bit of the year if she could throw a ball or two. She liked reading to Lord Ridgecleff, and she liked walking with him.

  They would never be truly aligned but she liked to think that they could challenge one another and raise one another up, encourage better behavior and intellect in each other.

  But perhaps that was all just wishful thinking. She was most likely only painting a fairytale for herself based on her feelings for him. He couldn’t be happy with her, not really. She had to accept that.

  For now, though, it was wonderful to dance with him. To flirt with him and to watch him laugh and smile. To turn about the dance floor and know that dozens of women were looking at her with envy.

  It wasn’t permanent, but she would take it. It was all that she had. Just this dance. This illusion of togetherness. They had to play their parts in public, after all.

  He could be as distant and curt as he wanted with her when they were alone or back at Mountbank. She had earned it. Perhaps at some earlier point she had the chance to earn his affection through her behavior, but that time had passed. She had botched it horribly.

  No, best to just accept that for now they had to play the happy couple. That meant she got to dance with him and flirt with him. It meant she got to pretend that his affected caring for her was genuine.

  It was better than nothing, she supposed.

  As the dance ended, she could already see his eyes growing distant. He was pulling away from her in mind if not in body.

  She smiled, curtsying to him. She could see one of her other partners coming up to claim her for the next dance. Mr. Corwich, a lovely young gentleman of a previous acquaintance. She was going to try and persuade him about Emma since he would dance with her after.

  She wasn’t trying to matchmake exactly. She had seen the error of her ways in that. It was more that she wanted to see what each man thought so that she might advise Emma. For Emma would undoubtedly come to her with her opinions of the men. Natalie wanted to be sure to steer her in the right direction and that all false hope be snuffed out at once.

  Her heart wasn’t in the dance though. Neither was it in the conversation. She kept it up in an almost mechanical manner, like a clock that ticked onward simply because it was designed that way.

  She hoped that her dance companion did not notice.

  “You seem preoccupied, Miss Natalie,” he said.

  Ah. He had noticed then. It was quite rude of her.

  “I do beg your pardon,” she replied. “It is only that…”

  “You are a lady in love.” Mr. Corwich smiled. “I can see how your eyes track our Lord Ridgecleff. He does cut a good figure. And he is a most amicable gentleman.”

  “Thank you,” Natalie said. “I am pleased to hear you say so. Of course the general public does not have the right to give or withhold permission in a marriage. But it is a pleasure to know that a marriage is approved of—one would not wish to be married to a rake, after all.”

  “Quite right. I would be worried if you were not a bit in love with him. I fear so many women marry titled men for money and security. And then the man is destined to be unhappy.”

  “I only fear that I am too obvious, if I have neglected you so during a dance.”

  “No, it rather gives me hope that I might find a lady, even one such as yourself, who can become entranced by a gentleman.”

  “I am sure that you will find a lady who appreciates you as much as I appreciate my lord,” she said. It was bold of her to admit as much but she had to play her part. And besides, it was true.

  She greatly appreciated Lord Ridgecleff, even if he did not fully appreciate her. Not that she begrudged it to him.

  As the dance ended, she saw that Lord Ridgecleff had been drawn into conversation with a few young ladies. She recognized them as ladies with whom she had been speaking earlier.

  Jealousy seized her and she did her best to tamp it down. “I thank you, sir, for the lovely dance,” she said, curtsying.

  She then tried to walk slowly and not obviously hurriedly towards Lord Ridgecleff.

  It was a crowded room. The first balls of the season were always overly full. Everyone wanted to attend. The later balls were thinner as people grew tired or retired to the country once more. Or as ladies were proposed to and became scarce, dealing with wedding plans and no longer needing to attend balls in order to see their suitor.

  Right now, however, everyone wanted to attend. All invitations sent were accepted. And the hosts did not help by being a little overzealous in their invitations. People forgot past slights and who was really worth inviting either through status or through personality. Everyone was forgiving and forgetting, and nobody wanted to accidentally leave an important person out.

  Because of the crowd, she could tell that her approach was not noticed. She was quite close when she began to hear of what they were all talking.

  It was her.

  “She is rather the flighty type, though, I should say,” one young lady was saying.

  Natalie felt anger boil up inside of her along with shame. Whatever they were saying about her was quite out of line. But although it was out of line to say such things, it was not untrue.

  She had been rather flighty, along with other things. Furthermore, there was nothing that these women could say that was not something Lord Ridgecleff already knew.

  Still, it hurt her to know how badly her previous actions had cost her. She would have to work hard to change people’s opinions of her.

  “She is most entertaining,” Miss Crawley was saying. “But not the sort of lady to whom one would entrust one’s secrets.”

  “I think that you severely underestimate the lady,” Lord Ridgecleff said.

  Natalie was taken aback. His tone of voice was the same one that he had used during their argument. It was hard, unyielding, with barely concealed ferocity.

  Natalie felt no stir of fear at it. She hadn’t when he had first used it either. It had only gotten her blood up, stirring up shame and indignation in equal measure.

  But the other ladies, it seemed, feared that tone. They seemed to know the error of their ways now and all shrank back a bit, as one.

  “Miss Natalie has proven herself to be an estimable lady,” Lord Ridgecleff went on. “I admire her greatly. She has been a dear friend to my sister and a relief during my duties taking over Mountbank.

  “I am sorry to hear that such circumstances have made your acquaintance with her less than enjoyable. I am sure that she would apologize profusely were she to hear of your opinions of her. But I have no cause to regret my engagement with the lady and indeed I look forward to sharing my home with her permanently.”

  Natalie felt as though the ground had tilted beneath her, threatening to send her sliding off. She knew it was only to save his own face of course but she dared to hope that at least a part of what her lord was saying was true. That he did on some level esteem her, even if he did not love her.

  She knew it was just a part of their ruse but to hear him defend her like that—it meant more to her than she could say. If she had been permitted she would have flung her arms around him and held him tightly to show her gratitude.

  The other women were obviously uncomfortable now. Natalie honestly could not say that she blamed them overmuch. As her attempts to find a husband with Bridget had shown, she was not much fun outside of a ball.

  Goodness knew how many of these women she had treated callously on morning calls or at dinner parties. She had traded in gossip and flirted with all the men, including ones that she knew other women had feelings for. Generally
, she had been the sort of person you could depend upon for fun at a party but not for true friendship.

  Was it any wonder that these women sought to warn him? They saw what a good person Lord Ridgecleff was. No doubt they thought that it was worth the risk of being seen as rude in order to assist him in knowing the true nature of his intended wife.

  But Lord Ridgecleff was not having it. His manner could not be plainer.

  “I am sorry to hear that you have had cause to have issue with her in the past,” he went on. “But I can assure you that I have taken the measure of her character and have no doubts about my union with Miss Natalie Hartfield.

  “I shall only listen to those positive anecdotes concerning her which you might see fit to share with me. All others are to be confined to the silence of your own hearts.

  “I hope that I have made myself clear in this matter. Rest assured the news of your feelings will not reach Miss Natalie’s ears through me. She has been greatly looking forward to the season and to conversing with all of you. I would not deprive her of that joy.”

  Natalie saw that it was about to dissolve into an awkward parting, and so she stepped the last bit forward that she might be seen by the others.

  “My lord, I beg your pardon.” She smiled at the other ladies, trying to conceal the hurt and anger she felt—at both them and at herself. “I hope that I am not intruding.”

  The other ladies looked momentarily frightened. They must have wondered if she had overheard anything.

  Natalie kept the relaxed smile on her face. She could not blame them for speaking the truth about her nature. She was not going to punish them for it.

  After a moment, she saw them all relax. They thought then that she had heard nothing.

  Natalie turned to Lord Ridgecleff. “What were you all discussing so amicably?”

  “They were congratulating me on my choice of wife,” he said, that teasing tone that she loved skirting around the edges of his voice. “And upon my sister’s introduction this season.”

  “Oh, yes, Miss Ridgecleff is a lovely girl,” Natalie said, eager to seize upon a change in subject. “I’ve found her to be quite the ideal companion. She is most sweet-tempered. I’ve rarely met a girl with a nature such as hers. You will all meet her, of course.”