Engaging Love: A Historical Regency Romance Novel

by Abby Ayles

  The ladies all nodded. Some of them still looked a little discomforted.

  “I must attend upon my sister,” Lord Ridgecleff said. He smiled at Natalie, and for a moment she almost believed that the joy she saw in there was genuine. “I hope my absence will not leave you too bereft.”

  “I shall have to lie in a swoon of despair until you return,” she replied dryly.

  He laughed, glancing at the ladies as if to say see, I find she suits me quite well.

  But that could have just been Natalie’s own imagination, telling her what she wanted to hear.

  Once he departed, the other ladies fairly swarmed her.

  “You must be grateful,” Miss Crawley said. “I have never seen or heard a man so violent in his defense of his intended wife.”

  “He is quite gone on you,” said Miss Rampling.

  Natalie did not know how to tell them that they were all quite mistaken. She merely nodded. “Of course. He is a man of passion and stubborn opinion. I hope that he did not disturb any of you.”

  “Oh, not at all,” Miss Crawley said. “Only in that we are all despairing we do not have a man so devoted to us. You are luckier than we thought.”

  “Yes, we knew of his virtues,” Miss Rampling said, “but we were unaware of his devotion to you. It is quite rare, and we are all aflutter over it.”

  Natalie smiled at them, basking in their praise. Or, well, trying to bask. It was a little hard to do when she knew that it was all false. Not their praise but Lord Ridgecleff’s devotion.

  But she ought to get used to it.

  After all, she was going to spend the rest of her life dealing with it.

  Chapter 28

  John tried to hide his eagerness when the time came to suggest that they retire from the ball.

  Miss Louisa was thoroughly on his side of the matter. “I am quite tired, Natalie, I think it is best that we retire. I am growing too old for such things.”

  “You were born too old for such things,” Miss Natalie replied, but in a loving tone. “You have always preferred the more intimate dinner parties. And soon you shall be able to host as many as you like.”

  “It is nearly four o’clock,” John pointed out. “If there is any hope of making morning calls then we must go to bed soon.”

  Miss Natalie and Emma both conceded the point. Emma was more reluctant than Miss Natalie. After all, this was Emma’s first real ball in ages.

  But others had long since retired and the party was winding down. They were leaving while they were still enjoying themselves, which was in John’s opinion the perfect time to leave.

  “The sun will be rising soon,” he observed as he helped the ladies into the carriage.

  “I have watched the sunrise from many a carriage on my way home from balls,” Miss Natalie confessed, her voice soft with remembrance.

  “And yet you refuse to get up early enough in the morning to see them,” he replied, teasing her.

  “There is quite a bit of difference between staying up late and getting up early, my lord, and the sooner you attune yourself to that distinction the better we shall like one another,” Miss Natalie said. But her eyes were warm and her voice light, and he knew that she was only teasing him again.

  He liked that. He liked their banter, that she kept him on his toes and never let him have an easy victory of it.

  Miss Louisa was looking at them both with a fond but sort of sad look. She must be thinking of her own fiancé, John warranted. He did hope that she would be in a position to marry him soon. To wait like this seemed most unfair.

  Emma fell asleep on the way home, to the great amusement of John and Miss Natalie. They had to wake her up gently when they arrived at the London apartments.

  “I’m so sorry,” Emma kept saying, still confused from sleep. “Oh goodness, I’m—it’s quite rude of me, I’m so sorry. Did I snore?”

  John laughed and Miss Louisa helped Emma up to bed, the poor thing still in a bit of a daze.

  “Thank you,” Miss Natalie said. She lingered at the bottom of the stairs.

  “Whatever for?” John asked.

  Miss Natalie’s cheeks warmed and she looked down at her feet. “I overheard what the young ladies were saying to you about me.”

  He felt anger spike up in his chest again. “What they were saying was uncalled for and without manners.”

  “Without manners, yes, but uncalled for, not exactly,” Miss Natalie replied. “Nothing of what they said about me was untrue, after all. You know that full well.”

  “But you have improved so much since then,” John said, unable to help himself.

  “Yet they do not know that,” Miss Natalie replied. He thought it odd that right now she should be the reasonable, gentle one. And yet, it made sense. “All that they know is how I was when they last saw me.

  “I think that it was thoughtful of them to risk their reputations in order to warn you off a woman they saw would make you unhappy.”

  “Are you not upset then?” John asked, bewildered.

  Miss Natalie was resolutely not looking at him. “My feelings do not matter in this. I am only concerned now that you will not treat the ladies with anything less than decorum.”

  John couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You are not at all upset at the things that they were saying about you?”

  “Of course I was upset, my lord, how could I not be?” Miss Natalie burst out. “But—you know full well that the things they said were true of me once. Even if they are not true anymore. Or at least I hope that they are no longer true.”

  “I cannot understand how your honor could be besmirched in such an open manner and you do not care a jot.” It bewildered him.

  “Do you speak up when your father imposes such high demands upon you after nary a word to you for years?” Miss Natalie shot back at him. “Or do you rather spend your entire time beating yourself up? You did not even try to go home and protest your marrying a woman in so short of a time.”

  “That is entirely different.”

  “It is different only in the details of the circumstance. I am allowed to decide what is and is not a just opinion formed about me.

  “You believe that your father is right in his estimation of your failures. I believe that these ladies are right in their opinion of me for they have not had a chance to truly see how I have, I hope, changed.”

  John shook his head. “No. You may permit such slander against your character, but I will not.”

  “Why, because I am your wife?”

  Partially because she was his wife, yes, but not in the sense that she was his property. In the sense that he cared about her and he would not permit anything or anyone to slander her.

  “No, because you do not deserve them.”

  Miss Natalie looked up at him, surprised.

  John shifted uncomfortably. “What? You do not agree with that estimation?”

  Miss Natalie opened her mouth. Looked to the side. Closed her mouth. Looked at him again. “I do not know. I hope that I have improved in my character since we had…our disagreement and spoke frankly with one another. But I do not know for certain.”

  “How can you not know for certain?” John demanded.

  Had he praised her too highly in her estimation? Had he revealed himself and his feelings too much?

  He could not think of anything more humiliating than for Miss Natalie to have to bear the burden of his affections while not returning them.

  Miss Natalie shook her head. “I had a poor estimation of myself beforehand. How can I know that my estimation of myself is proper now? That it isn’t still skewed?”

  “Then trust me,” John told her. He wanted to reach out to her, to put his hands on her shoulders. But he couldn’t. She wasn’t his wife yet.

  It was possibly revealing too much of himself, but he did not wish for her to continue to believe herself inadequate when she had improved so much. Not when he had come to…to love her.

  “Trust me and my estimation o
f you. You know that I did not care for your behavior and manners. If anyone is around whose opinion of you can be trusted, it is me.

  “You have grown, Miss Natalie. You listen to others, you think before you speak. You have made my father smile. I would put a bit more faith in yourself.”

  Miss Natalie gave a small smile of her own. “Thank you. You are generous, I fear perhaps too generous. But I will accept it.”

  “I am pleased to hear it.”

  “You really did not have to defend me though,” she said. “You are under no obligation.”

  “I wanted to. I will not permit you to be spoken ill of, even if you feel that it is justified.”

  Miss Natalie’s smile grew just a tad. “Well then I thank you again.”

  “Did you enjoy the ball? Other than that?” he asked. He hoped that what she had overheard had not ruined the ball for her. He knew how much she had been looking forward to this.

  “I did.” Something was off in her voice. “It was lovely.”

  There was something that she was not telling him. Had the ball truly been ruined for her?

  “It is only that I know how much you have been looking forward to this,” he said. He felt like an idiot speaking so frankly. “I know how important the London season is to you. I do not wish for your night to have been ruined by the remarks of a few impolite women.”

  “They did not ruin my night, I assure you,” Miss Natalie said. But her tone suggested that her night was ruined—just not by those women.

  “Were any other people impolite to you?” John was ready to have words with someone if necessary. It would be the easiest thing to stop by for a morning call and speak with the offender, ensure that they never offended Miss Natalie again. It was nothing less than his duty as her fiancé. “Was it that man that you danced with?”

  Miss Natalie seemed amused. “Are you to ride out like a white knight to defend my honor?” she asked.

  “I take it from your tone that you would not be impressed by such an action.”

  “Impressed? Yes. Worried about your reputation as a result? Yes. Amused to no end either way at the notion of you defending my honor? Yes.” Miss Natalie’s smile was more natural now, the teasing one that he had come to love.

  “In that case I shall not do it. But if you change your mind—”

  “Nobody said anything to offend me, my lord. I promise you. As endearing as it is to think of you going out of your way to protect my propriety and salvage my feelings, there is no need.”

  “But there is something that is troubling you,” he insisted.

  “It is nothing,” Miss Natalie replied. She gave him a polite but firm smile and a nod.

  John knew that he could insist if necessary but that would not be the way to go. Miss Natalie was giving him a firm no. She didn’t want him to inquire any further and she didn’t want to continue that line of conversation.

  Fine. He could respect that. It didn’t make him any less unhappy about the possibility that she was unhappy, that she had been made unhappy this night. He wanted her to have everything that she wanted.

  “I hope, then, that these next few weeks will be pleasurable for you,” he told her. “I know how much you have been looking forward to all of this.”

  “Thank you. And I hope that it will not be too intolerable for you. I know how hard you have been working to get away from your previous reputation. And that you would rather be home at Mountbank.”

  “It is not too bad,” John conceded. He wanted her to know that he would be all right with finding a way to be in London for part of the season for her. “I find it all more than passable. Perhaps once things are more settled at Mountbank I shall regain my joy of balls. I attended plenty on the Continent, after all.”

  “That is good to hear. I would not want you to be miserable.”

  “Miserable?” John wanted to tell her that he could not possibly be miserable while she was with him. “No. No, not at all.”

  “Good.”

  They both stood there awkwardly for a moment, neither of them sure what to say next. Then John cleared his throat. “You ought to go up to bed.”

  “Yes, of course.” She curtsied. “Sleep well, then, my lord.”

  “You as well, Miss Natalie.”

  He watched her climb the stairs and held in his sigh of frustration. He wanted to give her everything. He wanted her to be happy, to be appreciated by those around her, to have the life that she longed for.

  And, selfishly, he wanted her to love him back.

  Chapter 29

  Louisa was waiting for her when she got up to the bedroom.

  “Did you enjoy the ball?” Louisa asked.

  Her tone suggested that she knew what the answer was already.

  Natalie sat down on the bed. She’d been so close to telling Lord Ridgecleff how she felt. That it wasn’t what the women said that had upset her. It was the fact that she was realizing that she was in love with him and yet would never have him.

  “Oh, my dear.” Louisa sat down next to her and took her hand. “I understand.”

  Natalie gave a crying laugh. “How can you possibly?”

  Louisa sighed. “I am engaged to a man. We ought to have married months ago. Yet we have not—because of his aunt. Because she would never permit him to marry any lady who is not of the nobility. Whose father is not titled.

  “Do you think that I do not know the feeling of sadness when I see it? That I would not recognize when you love someone and cannot have them?”

  Natalie allowed her sister to draw her arm around her shoulders, leaning into Louisa’s side. “I completely ruined any chance that I had with him,” she admitted. “I was selfish. And then tonight—some ladies were talking to him about me.”

  “Women can be wicked that way,” Louisa allowed. She paused, thinking. “Men as well, although they tend to do it in their smoking rooms where we cannot overhear.”

  “It was not that they were speaking ill of me,” Natalie said. “I deserve whatever they are going to say. It is that they were saying it to Lord Ridgecleff. Reminding him of all the reasons that he should not love me.”

  “Are you taking the opinion of women that you barely know instead of simply asking him how he feels about you?” Louisa sounded incredulous.

  “What is the point of asking him when I already know what the answer will be?” Natalie responded. She wiped at her eyes. She did so hate crying.

  “Oh, my darling.” Louisa squeezed her. “I think that if you were to just talk with him…”

  “Do you think that I could persuade his father not to disown him if I were to break off the engagement?” Natalie asked.

  “What?”

  “If I break off the engagement, and you know that it must be me, then he will be free to find someone who he will actually love. But if he is not engaged, if I break it off, his father will disown him. He will blame Lord Ridgecleff, I know that he will.”

  “The earl does seem to be fond of you,” Louisa acknowledged. “But it is a risk. And you will be opening yourself up to ridicule as well. Everyone will want to know why you broke off the engagement and you can hardly tell them the truth.”

  That was true. She would have to reveal that they got hastily engaged after meeting one another only once. And if she said that, she would have to explain why Lord Ridgecleff had to get engaged so quickly. And then she’d have to explain why she had to get married so quickly.

  They’d be ruined, all of them. They had been saved at the masquerade ball by that mysterious individual. No doubt, in Natalie’s mind, someone else who had been hurt or threatened by Lord Pettifer.

  But if she told the truth as to why she’d accepted such a rushed and near-improper proposal, her father would be ruined again. And that would mean that she and her sisters would be ruined all over again.

  No, she couldn’t do that to them, to Lord Ridgecleff, or to herself. That meant that she couldn’t tell the truth about why they had gotten engaged which in turn meant th
at she couldn’t tell the truth about why she was breaking the engagement off.

  “I shall think of something,” she said.

  And she would. She might not read all the time, but she was clever. She could think of a good excuse as to why she was breaking it off. Something that wouldn’t reflect badly upon herself or Lord Ridgecleff.

  Louisa sighed. “I don’t know, Natalie. I really do not know. I think that you are doing the both of you a disservice.”

  “That is where you are mistaken,” Natalie replied. “For once in my life, I am doing something where I am not thinking of myself.

  “If I was doing what I wanted, I should keep him. Even though I know that he does not return my affections. But I cannot do that to him. He needs to be with someone he actually loves.”

  “And I admire your sense of self-sacrifice, Natalie. Truly I do. I think that it’s quite admirable of you to put Lord Ridgecleff’s needs so far above your own desires.

  “But don’t you think that perhaps you should discuss this with him? Tell him how you feel?”

  “It is indelicate to speak of such feelings,” Natalie said.

  “You are engaged. If you cannot speak of your feelings at that point, then when?” Louisa asked.

  “I cannot force my feelings upon him when he doesn’t want them.”

  “It would not be forcing anything upon him. That would only be if you told him that he was obliged to love you back. Which, at least it is my understanding, you are not trying to do.

  “In telling him, you are just being honest with him. Is that not what couples ought to do? Do you not owe him that? After you two have gotten off to such a rocky start, I should have thought that would impel you to be even more open and forthright with him.”

  “What use would there be in telling him the truth? I declare my love for him like some dramatic heroine in a novel. Then what? He apologizes to me for his inability to return my feelings? Looks incredibly uncomfortable with all that I have just told him?