Engaging Love: A Historical Regency Romance Novel

by Abby Ayles

  “What gain can there be in this? What can change except that he now knows something that would be better kept hidden? What can he do when he can’t change his opinion of me at will, and I cannot dispel my feelings for him?

  “It would be foolishness to bring about such discomfort when we have only begun to find a kind of balance with one another. This is the best course of action.”

  Louisa kissed Natalie on the top of her head and sighed yet again. “If you say so. It is your heart and he is your fiancé, not mine. I presume that you know your own heart and his better than I do.”

  Coming from anyone else, that might seem high and mighty. Coming from Louisa, however, it only sounded gentle. She did truly want the best for everyone around her. Natalie knew that.

  She only wished it were that simple.

  Chapter 30

  The next few balls felt like more of the same.

  Miss Natalie was radiant in them. She lit up the ballroom. It was all that John could do not to seize her for himself at every opportunity.

  He did his best not to be selfish and would only dance with her twice in an evening. Any more and he would be accused of not helping other ladies to dance and get their due on the dance floor.

  But it was difficult. More difficult was hiding his feelings for her when everyone seemed to insist on either telling him how lucky he was or asking him how they had met or offering their opinions on how Miss Natalie used to be a massive flirt.

  By the time the day came for Miss Elizabeth’s wedding to Mr. Denny, John was emotionally in tatters.

  He dressed in his best. He and Miss Natalie were of course invited. Miss Louisa was as well. Mr. Fairchild, her secret fiancé, would be there as well, allowing them to see one another again.

  Emma was invited as a member of the family. Or rather a soon-to-be member of the family. All three ladies looked lovely in their dresses. Natalie most of all.

  Of course, nothing could be said against the bride on her wedding day and Miss Elizabeth did look stunning. But John personally thought that Miss Natalie was the loveliest woman there.

  He could not help but feel a pang of envy as Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Denny stood together at the altar. It was easy to see how much they cherished one another.

  Miss Elizabeth was beaming up at Mr. Denny. Her whole face seemed to glow with it. Mr. Denny’s breath caught when he took her hands in his. John could see it all the way from his pew.

  Miss Natalie would never look at him like that. She would never give him such a joyful smile. She would never glow with the force of her love for him.

  If only he could see his affections returned.

  The reception afterwards did not help matters. He got many compliments from the family and friends.

  “She is so much more mature,” Miss Hartfield observed.

  They were in the middle of a discussion on the Continent. Miss Hartfield would be traveling there soon.

  Yet now she was looking at her younger sister. Miss Natalie was speaking with someone. Or, rather, politely listening to them. She seemed genuinely interested and only spoke to ask questions. There was none of the bored, barely-covered disinterest that she used to have.

  “She has greatly improved, yes. I have observed it.”

  “I believe that I have your influence to thank,” Miss Hartfield observed.

  “I have done nothing,” John replied.

  “I hear that you smile more,” Miss Hartfield replied.

  “Such reports are exaggerated.”

  “I’m not so certain.”

  Miss Natalie was more mature and grounded. That he could not contest. But his own nature? Did he truly smile more?

  It was true that Miss Natalie had been bantering with him earlier. That could be it. She seemed to be able to make him laugh more easily than others ever could.

  Perhaps he had changed. Perhaps she had changed him just as he had changed her.

  But that did not mean that she loved him.

  “I was worried,” Miss Hartfield said. “When this whole endeavor was forced upon us, I feared most for Natalie. She probably doesn’t know it. But I worried for her most of all.

  “Especially the immediacy of your engagement. And then the inability of either of you to retreat from it.

  “But now I am glad to see that fate was kind to you both. You are well suited for one another. And that’s—if I may be bold—that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Since our mother died. To know that my sisters were in the hands of those who cared for them. That they were well taken care of.”

  “I will take care of her.” John could promise that, if nothing else. He would always take the utmost care of his wife.

  “And she will take care of you,” Miss Hartfield assured.

  “I know.” Miss Natalie would do her best by him. He knew that. He didn’t doubt that.

  “Your sister will want for nothing with me,” he assured Miss Hartfield.

  He meant every word.

  Chapter 31

  Natalie smiled and curtsied her way through Elizabeth’s wedding.

  It wasn’t that she begrudged her sister anything. Not when her sister looked genuinely happy.

  “How do you feel?” Natalie asked her when they embraced.

  “Like the horizon is opening,” Elizabeth told her. “I’m just—oh I’m so happy. I hope you’re this happy. I know that we—that we often bickered. But I do hope that you’re happy. I do hope that you have love.”

  “You are so lucky,” Natalie replied. “And I am happy. Of course I am. But I am especially happy for you. I hope that…perhaps we can be better friends from now on. I know we are sisters but that’s not the same as being friends and I do wish for friendship between us.”

  Elizabeth pulled back. “Who are you and what have you done with my sister Natalie?” she teased.

  “One might say that I have grown.”

  “One might certainly say that.” Elizabeth smiled. “I saw you making your lord smile and laugh. I wouldn’t have thought him one for that. But you… you seem different. Less flighty. More thoughtful.”

  “I hope I am.” Her, making Lord Ridgecleff more cheerful? She hadn’t thought of it that way.

  Did she make him laugh and smile more?

  She hoped that she did. Even if he did not love her back…hopefully with her love she could give something to him.

  Of course it could all just be a front. He was probably acting like he cared about her more than he actually did. It was to save face. To make everyone else believe they were the happy couple.

  She couldn’t trust it.

  She had to trust the man that she knew from Mountbank. The man who wanted a quiet life. The serious man who had grown so silent on the trip up to London. Clearly dreading it.

  She would find a way to break off the engagement. She would speak to his father.

  But as she watched her sister happily greeting guests and as she continued to receive compliments from everyone about how well suited she and Lord Ridgecleff were…she couldn’t help but wish with all of her heart that it was true.

  He had made her a better person, at least. She supposed she ought to be grateful for that. She was less selfish. Less flighty, as Elizabeth had said. And she was glad. She didn’t want to be the kind of person that people avoided and secretly disliked.

  But she couldn’t let everyone’s compliments get to her head. She had to remember what she knew to be true and she had to not let herself be fooled by Lord Ridgecleff’s easy manner. It was all just a front.

  She smiled at her sister and her new husband, and tried to swallow down the pang of envy.

  It would all be fine.

  Chapter 32

  John was awakened early in the morning by someone hammering on his bedroom door.

  He sat up, blinking away the cobwebs from his mind. “Yes? Enter?”

  His manservant entered, clearing his throat. “I deeply apologize sir, but a missive has just arrived for you. Said that it was most urgent. From you
r brother.”

  John tore out of bed, completely awake. There was only one reason why his brother would be so eager to send him a message and have the messenger insist on disturbing him no matter the hour.

  He hurried downstairs in his dressing gown. The messenger was standing in the doorway. He looked a little peaky, and there were circles under his eyes.

  “I’m terribly sorry to disturb you, my lord,” the man said, bowing. “But I was told to ride like blazes and bring this with all haste.”

  He handed John a sealed letter. He couldn’t deny that his hands shook a little as he took it and broke the seal.

  Dear John,

  I shall keep things short. Father has taken a turn for the worst. I fear it is the end. Return at once so that you and Emma might say farewell.

  Godspeed.

  With all affection,

  Edward

  John folded up the letter and placed it in his pocket. “Thank you,” he said, instructing his manservant to make sure the man was paid and fed.

  He hurried to alert the other servants. Miss Louisa and Miss Natalie might stay in London if they wished but he and Emma must return to Mountbank with all haste.

  His mind was all cluttered, whirling like a summer storm. Father—but his father had been fine. Sickly, yes, but… nothing that he couldn’t handle. Right?

  John felt sick. Off-kilter. He shouldn’t have left. He shouldn’t have abandoned Mountbank and his father. He should have known, he should have stayed…

  “My lord?”

  He turned to see Miss Natalie standing in the doorway. She quickly took in the clothes he was hastily having his manservant pack. The papers he was compiling. His face, which most likely showed the turmoil in his mind and heart.

  “Remember to breathe,” she said, her voice teasing but gentle. “I hear that it’s good for you.”

  He laughed in spite of himself. “You have heard, then.”

  “Yes. I am having my maid put together my trunk.”

  “Miss Natalie, you are under no obligation to go.”

  “He is your father and you are my future husband. Where you go, I go. I will not abandon you in such a time of need.”

  Miss Natalie swallowed. “I know that I…have not always behaved with decorum. But I want to be there for you. If you will let me.”

  If he would let her?

  He could think of nothing else that he wanted more. Other than for his father to be safe and sound. He wanted to have Miss Natalie there with him. Who else would make him smile when he was in the depths of despair? Who else would be a comfort to him?

  He knew it was selfish, but he wanted her to be with him even if it was not what she wanted. He could not truly believe that it was what she wanted, to be with him. Surely she had other, better things to do. Balls to go to.

  He was depriving her of the season that she had been so looking forward to. He was depriving Emma as well but it was Father. Emma would understand. She would not want it any other way.

  There were, ultimately, other seasons. They had only one father.

  Miss Natalie gave him a reassuring smile. “If he has any of your strength, he will recover.”

  “I wish that I shared your optimism.”

  “Haven’t you heard? It is the job of the wife to counter her husband at every turn. You are fearful of a bad diagnosis. Therefore I must be positive of a cheerful one.”

  He smiled. Miss Natalie’s own smile faltered a little. “You must think me callous. But I know of no other way to comfort you. Except in making you laugh.”

  “I will gladly take that,” he replied.

  “If you’d rather that I wasn’t there—”

  “No, no, I would like you there. If it is not a bother to you.”

  “It’s far from that,” Miss Natalie assured him.

  John nodded. They had to get going. They had to get home…

  “Let your manservant handle it,” Miss Natalie told him gently. “Come down, I’ll have some tea brought in. It will steady your nerves while we wait for the carriage to be loaded.”

  “I ought to load the thing myself,” John replied.

  Miss Natalie laughed. “I would be highly entertained by that. But perhaps a time when you aren’t under such duress. Nothing more can be done right now.”

  He sighed. She was right. There wasn’t anything that he could do until the carriage was loaded up. Walking around his room like a mad man was not going to help matters.

  Miss Natalie could clearly see that she had won, going by the triumphant gleam in her eye. “Come on, then.”

  The tea was soothing, or perhaps that was simply Miss Natalie. She carried on some light conversation and had the maid bring in a bit of food so that they all ate.

  In other words, she handled it far better than he would have expected.

  Emma looked as bad as John felt. She looked startled, almost, like someone had jumped out from around the corner and frightened her. She kept staring into nothing.

  Miss Natalie would engage her in conversation, distracting her. Emma would be drawn in and entertained for a while before she remembered again and grew worried once more.

  When the carriage arrived, John almost leapt up out of his chair. “Time to go.”

  He knew he wasn’t going to be the best companion for the next day while they rode. Perhaps he should simply get a horse and ride on ahead of the others.

  But how could he ride on ahead and leave Emma behind? How could he sprint onward and perhaps see Father while she had to wait in the carriage? He couldn’t just abandon her.

  And for all that Miss Natalie and Miss Louisa had grown to become companions to her, he was her brother. He had a duty to remain by her side.

  He sat next to her in the carriage. Emma pressed herself up against his side as though she were leeching strength off of him. “Father will be fine,” he told her, although he didn’t believe it himself.

  Miss Natalie could tell that he was lying. She fixed him with a stare that he could not quite decipher. If he had to guess he would say that it was a sad but loving one. As if she were wishing that she could take his pain away from him. But Miss Natalie did not harbor such deep affection for him. His grief was making him imagine things how he wished they were.

  He tried to contain how antsy he was. How eager he was to get there. He wasn’t sure how well he succeeded.

  At one point Miss Natalie suggested, with warmth in her voice, that he might prefer to sit outside with the driver.

  He could hear the undertone in that sentence. Perhaps you will feel better if you can help urge the horses on yourself and can breathe fresh air.

  It was thoughtful of her, but he did not know how much good it would do.

  On their next stop, however, Miss Natalie insisted.

  “I was only partly teasing,” she told him. “Sit up with the driver. The fresh air will do you good. You’re getting cooped up in the small space of the carriage. And you may see for yourself how the horses are rushing. It will calm your nerves.”

  “I do not think it will be of much help,” he replied, truthfully.

  “Then indulge me,” Miss Natalie said. “Consider it a concession to your intended wife. You are indulging her odd requests.”

  John sighed but nodded. If she would insist, then it was easier to go along with it than to continue to bicker. He could not muster up the energy for a proper argument right now. Furthermore, he had no wish to argue with her over such a trifle.

  “Very well,” he told her.

  Miss Natalie smiled. He looked forward to the day when he could touch her. Then he might draw her to him and draw strength from holding her. Then she might lay a hand on his arm and offer up comfort.

  Of course, this was all for naught if she did not love him. She would not appreciate such gestures. Nor would she give them out. Her consideration was appreciated but concern for a grieving person did not mean that you loved them. It was nothing more than common courtesy.

  When they all g
ot back into the carriage for the next leg of the journey, John climbed up with the driver into the outside seat.

  To his surprise, it actually did do him some good. The fresh air and open space around him calmed him. He hadn’t realized quite how stuffy and confining being inside the carriage was for him until now.

  Taking in the fresh air, he felt as though he could breathe properly for the first time since he’d gotten the awful news. Seeing the countryside fly by around him helped as well. He could truly appreciate how fast they were moving and how much ground they were covering.

  It amazed him that Miss Natalie should know him so well as to figure out how to help him. He was immeasurably grateful but confused by her thoughtfulness.

  Her thoughtfulness suggested that she was paying attention to him. A great deal of attention if she was able to understand him so well. She understood how he had been feeling better than he himself had.

  But why would Miss Natalie waste so much time and attention upon him?

  Surely that would have to mean that she cared about him. But…he dared not think such a thing.

  Perhaps it was merely a part of her growing generosity of spirit. He had seen great strides from her. This was most likely just a part of that.

  But how he wished that it meant that she cared for him. The one part about being outside that he did not like was that he was no longer subject to Miss Natalie’s kind, warm eyes and small heartfelt smile.

  It was all merely in sympathy for him over his father of course. But he could pretend that it was more. And he basked in them.

  In front of Miss Natalie, he didn’t have to be strong. He had to be for Emma and Edward. He had to be the big brother. The one who knew what to do and would hold their course steady.

  But if a man could not be vulnerable around his wife, then with whom?

  He knew that Miss Natalie was not yet his wife. He also knew that he did not truly have any connection with her. But he felt safe with her. And he had to be vulnerable around someone or he would fairly lose his mind.

  Night had fallen an hour or so before they reached Mountbank. He doubted that the ladies could tell, both from being inside the carriage and their lack of familiarity. But despite the darkness what he could see from the light of the lamp immediately struck him.