The Silent Tears of Polygamy

by Robin Johnson

  During the course of our conversation, we found that we had a lot in common socioeconomically and educationally. Being of the same nationality by all means was a plus. We talked about children, and we both were in sync with our feelings about them. He and I both said we didn’t want to have any.

  I said to Alec that I don’t want to have any children because I helped raise my younger siblings, and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth about childrearing. I said, “I can barely take care of myself, let alone a child.” He said, “I understand.” I knew we were then playing from the same sheet of music, and I was feeling good about it.

  I can’t categorically say what he thought of me in totality. I can say that I found him to be a genuinely nice person. There was a softness, warmth and gentleness about him that I can’t explain in more detail, as I hadn’t formed the words for it. Something about his aura drew me into him, and I was wanting to know more.

  I made an estimation of the man and let’s just say, I liked all about him. It wasn’t just me. I think it went both ways. It was how it began for the two of us. From all indication, we appeared to be a good fit.

  Of course Alec and I knew that our meeting was not to establish a dating relationship, but to determine if we had the potential and the desire to marry each other. One could say it was an arranged marriage that the two of us were arranging.

  Over the course of the next few weeks, Alec and I had daily telephone conversations in which we talked for hours on end.

  It was just a given that we’d marry each other. There was no formal proposal. It was more of just a meeting of the minds and instinctive.

  We discussed how we wanted to marry and what the living arrangements would be. We planned that we’d marry in the spring. Something about a May wedding was endearing and romantic to me. So, we agreed that in the month of May it would be.

  Among many things that I liked about Alec, I especially liked that he was conventional in his beliefs. He wanted his marriage to be a civil and legal one, unlike some Muslim spouses who do not have a legally registered marriage. They have a personal contract with each other that isn’t recorded with any official agency. Although, there are some masjids (mosques) that keep records of those type of marital contracts.

  Our case was different. Alec didn’t opt for just a personal written contract for the two of us. He wanted the whole nine yards, a marriage recognized in the face of the civil law. I was ecstatic about it. I wanted the security that I thought was inherent with a Marriage License. It could be a dam stopper for possible problems arising in the course of our life together as a couple. I would later find out that there were curves that life could take that leaves you devoid of moves.

  As part of the many discussions that we drifted off into, Alec and I talked about polygamy as well. Alec was very clear about his stance on it. Or at least, I thought he was. Maybe he was at the time. He categorically stated that he would not want more than one wife.

  He said he just couldn’t understand how any man would want more than one wife. He made it sound to be a headache that he wouldn’t want. He furthermore said that with all the traveling that he does for his job, it wouldn’t be conducive to a polygamous lifestyle. He’d have little time for one wife as it were.

  Alec’s words were music to my ears. He was speaking my mind on the issue. I never wanted to live in a polygamous marriage. It was wonderful to be with someone who shared that particular view so strongly. With the gift of hindsight, I know I was foolish to think that he knew how he’d feel and what he would do in years to come.

  Things, people, and circumstances, they all change. And we never really know what our reaction will be in different scenarios. I learned that lesson the hard way. Only God knows the future and nobody else does.

  Alec was upfront with me about his previous relationships, in particular his marriage to Asiya. He laid his cards on the table. He let me know all about his ex-wife Asiya. He said that he was married to Asiya for several years, and that he helped her raise her two sons and a daughter that she had from a previous marriage. She was ten years older than Alec.

  Alec said another reason that he wanted no children now was because he helped Asiya take care of her children, and he loved them as his own. He stated, thus, he had no need or desire to father his own children.

  It made sense to me that if he had wanted to father children, he would have had them when he was younger. He was married to Asiya for several years and had plenty of opportunity to have children of his own with her.

  He was with Carolyn as well, before he met me. He didn’t have any children by her either. He said Carolyn didn’t want any more children other than the ones that she had. She had children born from other relationships. Furthermore, he said, “She had her tubes tied (tubal ligation) because she didn’t want any more children.”

  He and Asiya had been divorced for a few years when he met me. I learned from him that he had dated Carolyn during and after his divorce from Asiya. He stopped dating Carolyn when he met me, and he and I agreed to get married.

  According to Alec, Carolyn had wanted him to marry her, but he wasn’t ready. He said it had taken him some time to get over Asiya. I knew he really loved Asiya. He said that he had done everything in an effort to make the marriage work. He said he didn’t want to go directly into marriage again, following his divorce. He said he needed time to be single again.

  That part baffled me. He said he didn’t marry Carolyn because he wasn’t ready for marriage again so soon. In a previous conversation, however, he said that Carolyn and he had a sexual relationship that they agreed to. They agreed to continue it until one of them meets someone else and becomes serious about the person, and then they both would move on their separate ways.

  It fell in line with what Alejandro said. Alejandro said that Alec was looking for a wife, which translated to me that he no longer just wanted a casual lay. So which one was the truth or was it a combination? It was too soon for him to marry Carolyn following his divorce or he only wanted a sexual relationship with her? Whichever way that I was to look at it, it rang true to me that he didn’t want Carolyn for his wife back then.

  And then there was the question of why he was still having sex with Carolyn while he was Muslim and not married to her. He had said that she was still calling him and asking him to come to her house so that they could have sex because she was “horny.” I said, “You need to tell her that you are going to marry me and stop seeing her.” He said that he would. I was having thoughts that Alec really didn’t become a Muslim until he actually met me.

  I suppose that I didn’t think much of him having sex with her without being married because he was new to Islam, and no one becomes a believer overnight. I thought he only needed a good Muslim wife such as me to help get him on the straight path.

  Alec and I didn’t have a long courtship because dating is not an acceptable norm in Islam. It naturally explains why arranged marriages are common in Islam. Love is believed to steadily grow between the spouses of an arranged marriage.

  Alec and I got married eight months after our first meeting. We got married on a Friday, late afternoon. It was on a warm, sunny, May day. It was a day of Jummah Friday congregational prayer. The marriage took place in a well-known, large masjid in a city that has a large population of Turkish Muslims. It was a simple ceremony with just the people from the mosque and none of our family members. We would celebrate with a reception on the next evening with all our families and friends, many of whom were non-Muslim.

  After the marriage rites on Friday, the following evening (Saturday), we had an elaborate, formal wedding reception at an elegant manor. We had the traditional American ceremony and reception that evening absent the taking of the vows, which had taken place the day before. I smile every time I think about how lovely it was. We had the whole enchilada.

  Alec wore a black tuxedo, and I wore a white wedding gown with a long flowing train and carried an eloquent bouquet, as we walked in and were introduced as
Mr. and Mrs Alec Coleman. We fed each other wedding cake, and our wedding song played several times throughout the evening as I arranged.

  Alec and I didn’t dance, but our guest danced the night away. They danced for the two of us.

  It was a dream come true. I had a Cinderella moment that will last a lifetime. I had found my prince charming, and everything was surreal. “Now I’ve had the time of my life, no I never felt like this before.” Those are the timeless lyrics from the movie, “Dirty Dancing.” They describe so well my experience and feelings about our wedding. I cherish the memories of our wedding celebration till this very day.

  That evening, we consummated our marriage. It was much more than I had imagined it would be. Of course, I was a bit nervous in anticipation. What should I expect for my first time with this man? I could tell Alec was feeling his oats, and we were happy campers.

  The next afternoon, Alec and I left for a two-week exotic honeymoon vacation. We traveled on one of the popular luxury cruise liners and explored several tropical Islands. I was in my glory. If I was a Christian, I’d yell Hallelujah!

  When Alec and I returned from our honeymoon, reality was to set in. We had to now set up house and live together as husband and wife. It entailed Alec selling his home to move into mine. He didn’t want to upset my lifestyle, considering that he traveled a lot. He wanted me to be comfortable in an environment and surroundings that I was familiar with. He thought it most important. I think I mentioned that he was a very considerate and thoughtful man.

  Every marriage has its challenges, especially in the first couple of years. Two different people coming together to live as one isn’t easy. Alec and I were two different people who were set in some of our ways. We each had to make a place for the other in our lives, so of course there would be friction initially.

  So, we had a bit of a tough time adjusting at the beginning of our marriage. Ironically, our one difference was in our faith. I think I did myself an injustice by focusing more on the secular world and not on my spirituality when I pursued marriage. I didn’t get into Alec’s head about his belief of our religion - Islam.

  I was very much into Islam, continually studying and learning. Before we married, Alec had said that he didn’t know much about Islam. He said that I would be good for him, and I could teach him. I thought it was good that he’s willing to learn. He seemed sincere when he said it. I didn’t think I needed to ask for more.

  We continued to have discussions about Islam on a regular basis. He wanted to go to the masjid to learn, but I didn’t think it was necessary. “I could teach you,” I said often. From my studies, I had learned much more about Islam than he had. Thus, it wouldn’t be such a big deal to share my knowledge with him. I would gladly pass on what I had learned.

  In studying together, we would both grow in the practice of Islam and become closer to each other. I envisioned a win-win situation. It, however, didn’t quite work out that way.

  Looking back now, I see how I was a bit of a hindrance to Alec although I didn’t mean to be. Beside wanting to go to the masjid to learn and I discouraged him, he ordered a subscription to an Islamic magazine. When it arrived, I said he shouldn’t read it. I didn’t say it due to any hidden agenda. I didn’t have one. I simply knew that a lot of what is taught about Islam is erroneous. Look at ISIS/IS, for example.

  I just didn’t want him influenced by any particular sect of Islam that he would be exposed to in attending a masjid or in reading what I deemed inappropriate Islamic material. I simply thought that he could very well learn from me. I wanted him to learn what I knew was correct. There is a lot of sectarianism out there, and I didn’t want him to become a part of it. Little did I know that I can’t control another’s fate. I can’t even control my own. Ultimately, I think it was a miscommunication and unfortunately, he seemed to have lost the desire to learn. The enthusiasm and interest suddenly seemed to have vanished. He suddenly wasn’t into it anymore. See, this was a hard pill for me to swallow.

  You must understand that Islam is my life. I can’t be married to someone who has little to no interest in Islam. It was something that I didn’t look into as thoroughly as I should have before I married Alec.

  Alec seemed to view Islam as separate from the secular world, somewhat like going to church on a Sunday, but it was Jummah (Friday prayer) at the masjid instead. All the other days to him had little or nothing to do with Islam. He offered his salat (five daily prayers) but didn’t offer them with me. He didn’t lead me in prayer. I didn’t press the issue, as I didn’t know if he was adept enough at it.

  I recall that one day he said, “I didn’t know I had to be saved.” Apparently, he thought that I was too rigid in my ideal about Islam. He couldn’t accept that all my dialogue most of the time was about it. I had my handwritten notes that I carried around the house with me and studied them.

  I didn’t see myself or Islam the same way that he did. He and I were at somewhat opposite ends of a spectrum. I was a bit hard-nosed and set in my ways about Islam. Islam meant the world to me, and I couldn’t and wouldn’t compromise it for anything, nor for anyone.

  There were some early telltale signs that something wasn’t right about Alec and his religious beliefs, as far as I was concerned. He was an anomaly when it came to Islam, and some of his actions from time to time showed it.

  For instance, when we were on our honeymoon, I was in awe at some of the breathtaking views. I commented to Alec about it with regard to God’s magnificent creation. Alec looked at me as though I was speaking a foreign language.

  Another time, Alec and I were at his mom’s house; she offered us something to eat. She said that she had just prepared it, and it was on the cooking range. Alec politely told his mom that we didn’t want anything to eat. She was persistent that we eat something. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why Alec just didn’t tell her and hadn’t told her about our dietary restrictions, that we could only eat Halal food. When I first became Muslim, I let my non-Muslim family know about my Islamic practices.

  When I first became Muslim, I told my non-Muslim family, friends and co-workers all about my life in living Islam. With Alec, it was as if he didn’t want his mom to know, for some odd reason, that we couldn’t eat her food. Did she even know that he was Muslim now?

  I thought back to the time when I was helping Alec pack up his house for the move to mine. There was a prayer rug on the floor that he and the cat walked on. I could understand the cat walking on it, but not Alec when it wasn’t time for prayer. He obviously didn’t see the sacredness of the prayer rug that I did. I would definitely roll it up and put it away when it wasn’t in use or I’d walk around it.

  An incident that really blew my mind was when he and I went to his family reunion in Smithfield, Virginia, soon after we had married. I, of course, was covered in my Muslim fashion wear. One of Alec’s relatives said to him, “Are you Muslim now?” Believe you me, from my peripheral vision, I caught a glimpse of Alec shaking his head, vehemently gesturing, no. I thought, What the hell?

  Don’t ask me why I didn’t speak to Alec about my observation and my concern when it happened. Till this very day, I ask myself why I didn’t call him out on it. It was probably because I was sure that he’d deny it and cause me to doubt myself.

  Although Alec and I differed in our interest in Islam, it wasn’t a complete deal breaker, and we still had a very nice marriage. We lived together happily and did fun things together. We went to the movies and to the theater to see plays, and we frequently dined out. Dining at fancy restaurants was one of my favorite past-times.

  We just hung out with each other, enjoying each other’s company and creating memories. Oftentimes, he would surprise me with flowers for no reason. He was good to me and a romantic. I’d open the refrigerator and there would be a dozen roses. How sweet!

  We traveled at least twice a year and sometimes thrice a year for vacations. We had a blast. Eating plentiful, rich, delectable foods didn’t help me keep my girli
e figure. There is a price to pay for living the luxurious life.

  Vacations were a spectacular time for us. I was always enthusiastic about them. I looked forward to those times to be with Alec. It was easy to loosen up, being away from the regular days of our lives. There was no rush. We didn’t have to do any of the hundred things that always needed to be done while at home.

  We would occasionally play tourist and take long walks together. Alec would give me hundreds of dollars to spend on our holiday (vacation) for shopping. Somehow, he always made it memorable. We had great moments together and I’m infinitely grateful to God for them.

  The memories whisper across my mind often. I remember a time in particular when Alec and I were on vacation on one of the larger cruise ships. We had just come from having a delicious dinner, and we were strolling along on one of the higher decks where the shops were. We stopped for a short while, stood and were talking. I didn’t see it coming and before I could gather my scattered wits, Alec spontaneously danced with me and was twirling me around.

  Maybe there was nothing special about a man and a woman dancing together, except that when Alec spun me around, there was no music playing. It had been something he decided to do on the spur of the moment. I giggled and was wondering what had gotten into him. He fascinated me. It was an enchanted moment.

  Maybe it was something in the dinner that we had just eaten. Men, women, and children stopped to stare and smile at us. It was as though they were mesmerized. I might have been, too. There was a certain untamed beauty about the moment. I was lost in stolen moments in time that nothing touches.

  It was one of the most romantic, memorable points in time that enveloped me. Till this day, I smile and giggle whenever I think about it. What a beautiful point in time that I can treasure in my memory forever. It’s those unforgettable occasions that keep love alive.