The Silent Tears of Polygamy

by Robin Johnson

  A quote comes to mind that I had read Online that sums up how I was feeling about Alec. I don’t know who the author was:

  “You make me laugh when I want to cry, make me live when I want to die, make me smile when I want to frown. You turn my life upside down. You believe in me when no one else does.

  You’re my now, my is, my was. When you call my name, I begin to blush. I’m afraid people notice I need you so much. When I’m with you time flies by fast. It’s like the present is the past. I need you more than you can believe. Love you more than you can conceive. Think about you every night and day. And hope my life can stay this way. I don’t want it to be any other way.”

  Sadly, there comes a time when playtime is over, and we have to return to the real world. Alec and my home life wasn’t very different from any other ordinary working couple with challenging careers. Alec and I both liked the work that we did, and we did it well. So, we went back to the humdrum, everyday routine.

  Before we got married, I let Alec know straight up that I didn’t like to cook. I believe it’s important to be upfront about such things. I think lying and hoarding certain information is a waste of time, and it doesn’t bear good fruit.

  Not liking to cook was something that would become evident later, so I thought it more prudent to lay my cards on the table. When Alec and I talked about it, he assured me that it was no problem. He said he would do the cooking. He said that he was used to cooking for himself after he and Asiya divorced.

  Turns out, he liked cooking and I could see why. Alec was a master chef in the kitchen. Cooking was an art for him, and he was an artist who took his craft seriously. Amazingly, it didn’t take him long at all to whip something up in a jiffy when we were pressed for time or he was late getting home from work. He was always content to cook and if he had any gripes about it, he never let on about it to me.

  We were rocking and rolling together, enjoying life in a subtle manner. We routinely watched television together at night after we finished dinner. Although I wasn’t much into watching TV, I sacrificed. There wasn’t much else left for me to do but read, so why not indulge myself in some TV? The HBO hit series, “Big Love” was my favorite show. It was about a Mormon polygamous family, and Alec and I watched it like clockwork.

  Alec and I were content as a couple. Life was working out just fine for us. It was a ride with manageable storms, nothing particularly health threatening or sadness inducing. We had a good life. It was terrific, or was it?

  The way I saw it, we were okay. We had a good life, a good marriage, and I was looking forward to what the future had in store for us. Now, it was five years later, and the story wasn’t the same. Things changed.

  My Marriage Begins to Crumble

  It was a sweltering hot summer evening in August 2001. It was a weather that made it seem as though there was no softness in the world anymore. The sun was out in all its glory, daring anyone or anything to challenge its dominance. Could it be some kind of conspiracy in that the days were longer than the nights, affording us a longer period of ‘enjoying’ the heat.

  It made me wonder what the situation would be like, if it couldn’t ever be eased. It was a time that made me give thanks to God for central air conditioning.

  On one of such nights, Alec and I were lying in bed together. We had been talking before we called it a night and went to sleep. It wasn’t a serious conversation. We were just chilling out together. We were just talking about random things, basically, anything that came to our minds. During the conversation, he suddenly said, “You know, Ana, Carolyn is thinking about becoming a Muslim.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really,” he said.

  He said he instructed her to go the masjid for instructions (Remember, “Carolyn” is Alec’s ex-girlfriend). Alec said, after he gave it more thought, he decided that he would teach her about Islam himself, and he let her know it.

  No warning bells went off in my head. It didn’t cross my mind that there could be any problem. I thought, why not teach her? It was a good thing that Carolyn was thinking of becoming a Muslim.

  Moreover, Alec was a nice man who watched out for his friends, and this wasn’t any different. Carolyn was his friend, too, and he should help her, if he was able to do it within reason, of course. He mentioned it, so it was necessary for me to respond.

  “Okay, go ahead. Teach her.” I didn’t think much of it.

  Alec had barely spoken to me about Carolyn during our marriage. If anyone, he had spoken often about Asiya. The only time that he mentioned Carolyn was if I asked him a question about her. She didn’t seem to be a person of interest for him. His dialogue a good amount of time was about Asiya, her children and her grandchildren.

  After the late night discussion about Carolyn wanting to accept Islam, a few weeks later, late one afternoon, there was an emergency, and I needed Alec. I tried to reach him, but I couldn’t. He didn’t answer his cell phone, and I gave up trying after a while. Maybe he’s busy or his cell phone isn’t with him, I thought.

  When I later questioned him about it, he said that he was at Carolyn’s house when I had tried to reach him. Well, I can tell you that it didn’t cross my mind when I couldn’t get a hold of him that he was with her. I, therefore, was a bit taken back for a moment. I later thought nothing more of it.

  Little did I know that Alec and Carolyn would meet up and begin to communicate with each other again in an intimate way, during our union. I had no reason to suspect him, and I wasn’t the kind of woman who was into surveillance of her husband. My husband was not a prisoner, neither was I, and it would do us a world of good to have lives outside of being a couple.

  I only found out that Alec and Carolyn had resumed a relationship together approximately three months before he told me that he was going to marry her. It was in our fifth year of his and my marriage.

  Fast forward to a few days later. Alec and I were having a casual conversation while he was preparing dinner (I’ve mentioned that he was the chef of our house). Casually, he said, “I wonder what you would do if she becomes a Muslim.” Remembering what he had just recently said about Carolyn’s desire to become Muslim, I knew he was referring to her.

  I ignored the statement and didn’t answer him. What he said meant nothing to me. I thought, offhandedly, to myself, what do I care if she becomes Muslim or not. It was a peculiar question, to say the least. I couldn’t figure out what reason Alec had for mentioning it to me in the first place. A s with anything like it, I soon discarded it from my thoughts.

  Another night after that day, Alec and I were at home, and he again was preparing dinner. We were having a general conversation when out of the blue, I asked him if Carolyn had decided if she would become Muslim or not. “No,” he said.

  It was quite a succinct answer and I was startled. He simply said, “No.” He didn’t make any effort to elaborate. He had a slight frown on his face when he said it. I thought, what sort of an answer was that? It wasn’t that it mattered, but, well, he was the one who had told me about it in the first place. I just wanted to know how much closer she was to making a decision. After all, he thought it was important enough to bring it to my attention to begin with.

  Nonchalantly, I said, “What is taking her so long to decide if God is good enough for her or not?” I can’t remember him answering. It was possible that he didn’t know either. At least, that’s what I thought.

  A few days after we had that conversation, Alec dropped an answer to the question that I had asked him before,

  “Carolyn is Muslim now,” he said.

  I hadn’t known it then, but looking back now, I guess that was the ‘real’ beginning of the roller coaster ride that was going to be my life for a while.

  There was a beautiful Saturday when Alec called me and said he’d be late coming home. He said he was going to his mom’s house to visit her. He then asked me, if I wanted to join him there. I could hear the reluctance in his voice, almost as though he really didn’t want me
there and was asking as a formality. But, of course that is ridiculous, I quickly thought.

  I said, “No.” I said that he should have fun and give my regards to his mom. After we had hung up, I spoke with my dear friend Ali and mentioned it to him. Ali said he was of the opinion that I should go. It was weird, as though he had a sixth sense about it. Maybe something of that sixth sense was transferred by diffusion, because I agreed to go.

  I then called my mom to ask her if she’d go with me. If she was surprised at my request, she didn’t show it. She said yes, she would go with me. I was surprised by how easy it was. When all that was settled, I called Alec and let him know that my mom and I would be there.

  I didn’t plan to have an evening out that day. My mom probably didn’t have any plans to go out either, so it took time for us to get dressed. Add to it the fact that I had to wait for her to come to my house, so we could leave together. She lived about a half-hour away from me. Meanwhile, Alec called me and asked if we were still coming. He sounded anxious. I said,

  “Of course we are.”

  We finally did get there, and I was surprised to see that Naima was there. Naima is Alec’s step-daughter and Asiya’s daughter. Naima, her children and her brother were all there. It was odd because Naima had never joined Alec and me anywhere in the five years of our marriage. Not even once, so this was all rather strange to me. I hadn’t expected to see her and definitely not there with her children and her brother.

  The whole scenario before me was unexpected and unnerving. Alec hadn’t informed me that the others would be there. He should have said something about it when he called, so I would at least know what to expect. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one thinking along these lines. My mom later said that she sensed something was out of the ordinary with it.

  In this ongoing personal reality TV show, Naima’s brother wasn’t himself either. He stood to one side, looking at me as though he was confused and was feeling sorry for me. I kept thinking to myself and wondering what could possibly be wrong.

  At one point in the course of the evening, he and his sister, Alec and the kids were in the dining room. Alec’s mom, my mom and I were left talking in the living room. Alec was in there telling them that I don’t cook. You have got to be kidding me. I couldn’t believe my ears.

  Was it really Alec who had said that? But, of course, it was. Who else could it be? It wasn’t as though I had kept that fact a secret from him and then ambushed him with it after marriage. No, Alec knew I didn’t cook before he married me. I had said it to him straight up. He had said he loves to cook, so it didn’t matter. It was a match made in heaven.

  Imagine my surprise when I listened to him in there badmouthing me. The surprise was even greater knowing there was absolutely no reason for it. We hadn’t had a fight. He had been the one to call me to come here, and now this. I was embarrassed and was shocked by what had come from Alec’s mouth.

  When they all came back into the living room, out of nowhere and as is often typical of children, Naima’s young son burst out, “My dad loves all of his wives.” We were all stunned. What was the little boy talking about? Naima spontaneously, belted out, “I’m the only wife that your father has!” It was not a casually made statement with any kind of calm. She was quite defensive about it.

  My head spun around at the tone of her voice when she made that declaration. I looked at her thinking, she doesn’t play around when it comes to polygamy. It was difficult not to notice that throughout the evening, Alec didn’t seem his happy, usual self.

  He seemed to be content just sitting by himself for the better part of the evening. He hardly contributed to the conversations. He had called me to come here where there were more people than I expected, and he just mostly kept to himself.

  Nonetheless, despite what was happening, it was an enjoyable evening for me. After a while, we said our goodbyes and went our merry ways. On our way home, my mom and I spoke about the evening and how it had gone. We talked about the little hits and misses and the general ambiance.

  We both agreed that something was up that we weren’t privy to, like a circle that was drawn, leaving us just on the fringe of it. Something was just off. We were certain of it, even if we didn’t know what it was exactly. Well, whatever it was, we would find out later.

  Time does seem to fly and life goes on. It didn’t seem to take a break or need one. It seems that it was just hours ago, but it’s now November, which is three months later. Everything appeared to be as usual in our home. I was content with life and the path that it was taking. I suppose you could say that I was happy. The only problem was I noticed that Alec was in his head.

  It seemed as though there was a new world that existed for Alec in his mind, and I wasn’t a part of it. He was preoccupied and seemed distant. It was as though he simply existed on the outside, and wasn’t really living life. If I didn’t know any better, I’d call it an out of body experience. It seemed only his shell was there. He kept more to himself and talked less. He seemed deep in thought.

  I tried hard, but I couldn’t figure out what the problem was with him. My fall back answer to my unasked question was that something must be happening at work that was troubling him. I thought to wait a while longer before asking what it was.

  Then one day, spontaneously and seemingly out of nowhere, Alec shouted, “I’m going to marry Carolyn.”

  Wow! I didn’t see that one coming. I was shocked. I could only remember instantly saying, “Well, I’m going to get a divorce.” He said,

  “I don’t want a divorce, Ana.”

  Loudly, I yelled, “I don’t care.” My thoughts were jumbled. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t seen it coming. Not once in a million years could I have imagined that I’d be in a situation such as this.

  Alec said, “You can’t divorce me in Islam, Ana. You have no reason to.”

  In a panic, I put on some street clothes and a coat. I grabbed my cell phone, and I ran out of the house and into the street. It was a still and quiet night, a Sunday evening. It was a night meant for whispers and not raised voices. I’m sure any conversation outside was audible to those inside the neighboring homes.

  The first person who came to my mind to call was my best friend, Ali Abdul Hamid. He was the one who had introduced me to Islam, and he is my wali. A wali is a guardian. Every revert Muslim female who doesn’t have a Muslim male family member should have an appointed wali.

  A wali is supposed to look after her best interest. He should interview the men whom are potential suitors for her to marry. The wali is the intermediary. He should conduct the investigation on her behalf. He could mediate marital issues that may arise in her marriage, as well. Ali had warned me against marrying Alec due to Alec’s lack of faith. I didn’t take heed. In protest, Ali didn’t attend my wedding, nor the reception.

  Who better to call in this moment of utter confusion?

  So, I called Ali. He answered the phone. I was hysterical. I was screaming as loudly as I could. I was crying uncontrollably. It was as though I was in the middle of nowhere and I was the only one left in the world. I looked at the houses around me. I looked towards the sky at the stars. It was a clear night. Nothing seemed real except the voice on the other end of the phone.

  I said, “Ali, Alec is going to marry Carolyn.” “He’s going to live polygamy.”

  “It’s okay. He’s allowed to do it,” Ali said.

  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.” I said, “I want a divorce.”

  Ali said, “You have no reason to divorce him. You can’t divorce him just because you don’t like God’s decision, Ana.”

  “You have to try to accept God’s decision.”

  He said, “If you can’t, I will help you get a divorce.” He said, “Stop crying.” He said, “Go back inside and don’t let him see you cry.”

  It wasn’t going to be very easy, but it was what I needed to do. So, I did just that. Drying my tears, I walked slowly back into the house.


  No more was said between Alec and me that evening. I was exhausted and my mind drew a blank. I had nothing to say to him. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

  I went straight into the bedroom. The only person whom I could think of to call was Naima. I think it was because Alec had been quite close to her lately.

  I said, “This is Ana. I’m calling to let you know that Alec and I are going to get a divorce.” I said, “Alec is going to marry another woman and I’m going to get a divorce.”

  “Don’t you want to be patient?” It was the only thing that she said, nothing more and nothing less. There was no, ‘I’m sorry.’ She didn’t say, ‘It’s going to be alright.’ She didn’t console me or give me any words of encouragement. All she said was, “Don’t you want to be patient?” It was all that she had to give. I was silly to have called her and expect something different. She and I weren’t even close. It was a useless call.

  I had thought that she would have been sympathetic. According to Alec, she was once in a polygamous marriage that she couldn’t cope with, either. She ended up divorced. I thought she would know the kind of stress and pain that polygamy exposes one to.

  I learned later that she was the one who was conspiring with Alec for him to marry Carolyn. She supposedly had prepared Carolyn for the marriage. It was another thing that I hadn’t seen coming. It let me know all too well why she reacted the way that she did on the night that I had called her while I was in distress.

  After speaking briefly with Naima, for whatever it was worth, I called Alec’s niece, Kayla, whom he is very close to, as well. I let her know that Alec and I were going to get a divorce. At this time, I had lost the thin thread of control that I regained after speaking with Ali.

  I was very emotional and was crying again. She was very kind and sweet to me and understandably, she didn’t know what to say. She sadly and gently said, “Are you okay, Aunt Ana? I just want to know that you’re okay.”