The Silent Tears of Polygamy

by Robin Johnson

  The next day, day two, and three weren’t without incidents. I called my mom while I was at work, and said, “Mom, Alec just married another woman.”

  It was better for her to hear it from me. When I reverted to Islam, I had explained to my mom and to my siblings a lot about what Islam was. She, therefore, was no stranger to the concept of polygamy. She never expressed any negativity about it at the time. Although my younger sister did. She said it was “nasty” and someone could catch a disease.

  It made no sense to me, knowing that non-Muslims have many different sexual partners all the time. Why did she think of diseases when polygamy is about marriage, not about fornication or adultery? Fornication and adultery are superior to marriage? Really? Well, it’s neither here, nor there now.

  Anyhow, my mom was shocked by what I had shared, and I could tell that she was feeling very bad for me. I could sense it. I could hear the disgust and anger in her voice. She couldn’t believe what I had said. My mom thought that I was a prize for any man. I must say that I had thought the same. I had dated the cream of the crop. I was no slouch.

  I could see why this announcement had caught my mom off guard. It would have floored the average person. She said, “Alec is going to pay for what he’s done to you.” She said, “He’s committing adultery.”

  My mom asked me what Alec’s mom had to say about him having married another woman. I said, “His mom doesn’t know.” I said, “Weeks ago, Alec said he was going to tell his mom, so I didn’t think I had to do it.” I told my mom that he still hadn’t told her. My mom said that she was going to tell her. I had no problem with that. Marriage isn’t supposed to be a secret.

  My mom kept her word. She called Alec’s mom that evening, while he was still on his four days, post-wedding day stay with Carolyn. She gave Alec’s mom the 411 (information). I totally understood that my mom did it out of love for me and out of dislike for Alec at the time. My mom knew how hurt I was. She said no woman could endure what I was being put through. She said, “No woman can handle that.”

  My mom, my brothers, my younger sister and my niece and nephew all knew Alec’s mom well. We’ve all been to his mom’s home on numerous occasions. There were a lot of times when we would just hang out, chow down on some food, and play games there. It wasn’t just my side of the family soiree, of course. Alec was there too as was his step-son and Alec’s former mother-in-law. Alec’s niece and great-niece were usually there as well.

  It was typically a big family gathering where we all used to have tons of fun. When I think about it, I have awesome memories of moments that I’ve spent in Alec mom’s home. Apart from the home front, on different occasions, together, we all had attended several events associated with Alec’s work as well. We had spent a lot of time together, and we were very familiar with one another.

  Alec telephoned me at home that evening. He was terribly angry and upset. He couldn’t control himself, and I could hear it clearly in his quavering, intensely sharp voice. He didn’t sound at all like himself. Right away, I assumed that Alec had learned that his mom was now aware of what he had done. I couldn’t believe that I actually was hurt and upset, as well, that he was upset.

  “If you really wanted to hurt me, you’ve done it this time by telling my mother that I married Carolyn.”

  There had been no pleasantries. Alec had just dived into his ocean of accusations and didn’t shy from leveling one against me. I couldn’t much blame him though.

  He said his niece Kayla had called him to say that his mother was very hurt and upset. She said, “Grandma knows that you are now polygamous.” She told Alec that his mom, consequently, had manifested physical symptoms. She wouldn’t eat anything. She was worried and disturbed. It was terrible.

  I was worried upon hearing of it, as well. His mom already had serious health issues, and I didn’t want our problems, coupled with what she had, to cause more problems for her. I was very fond of his mother and had a great deal of respect for her.

  When I got a chance to speak, I said, “Alec, I didn’t tell your mother. You said that you were going to tell her, so I didn’t tell her.” He yelled at me saying, “No one had to know!” I was dumbfounded. What did he mean–“No one had to know?” If he needed to keep the marriage a secret, why marry? Secret marriages make no sense. Polygamy is lawful in Islam. “Why is he making his relationship with Carolyn into a dirty little secret?” I thought to myself.

  I continued to tell him that his mom didn’t hear the news from me. Suddenly, he calmed down. He apologized profusely to me for having yelled at me. He said he was so, so sorry. I believed that he was, and I accepted his apology without hesitation. I was very sorry for him and for myself, as well. What has happened to us?

  The next evening, I couldn’t control my emotions at all. I was crying. I was troubled and all alone. I thought I was done with this part of my journey and had adjusted.

  Impulsively, I picked up the telephone and speed dialled Alec. Or I thought it was him; it turns out it wasn’t. A woman’s voice on the other end of the line was the last thing that I expected to hear. It was as though the final straw broke. I was not in a mood to talk to his new wife.

  “I want to talk to my husband!” I was shouting and I knew it, but I didn’t care what that sleaze thought.

  “Well, what makes you think he’d be here?” Unlike mine, the voice on the other end was somewhat calm, but curious.

  I then realized it was Asiya, Alec’s ex-wife. I apologized to her for erroneously having called her and ended the conversation. Asiya immediately called Alec on his cell phone, which I found out from Alec a day later.

  He let me know that she asked where he was. She proceeded to say, “Your wife just called me looking for you.” He said, “I’m with Carolyn. I just married her.” According to him, Asiya was at a loss for words upon hearing it. She couldn’t quite believe it. I surmise that Asiya had to digest that he was experiencing his four days his special stay with Carolyn while she was speaking with him.

  He said, “She exploded.” She said how his marriage to Carolyn only confirmed that he had “cheated” on her when she and he were married. Asiya said she had suspected that he was seeing Carolyn while they were still married.

  Whenever I had spoken with Alec about it, he insisted that he didn’t have a relationship with Carolyn until he and Asiya were separated, and he knew the marriage was over. I believed him. He said that he had tried all in his power to make the marriage work. He even suggested that they attend counseling. He took her on special get-a-ways, hoping to work things out between them.

  The next day or so, I again spoke on the phone with Asiya about Alec’s marriage to Carolyn. She said, “Have you seen her!” It was tempting for a second, but I wasn’t going to have that conversation with Asiya about how unaesthetically, unappealing Carolyn was; although I had seen her picture.

  I did, however, ask her what her thoughts were about why Alec is with Carolyn. She said, “Maybe because she probably lets him do anything that he wants to her sexually.” Then, out of left field, Asiya asked me if I was going to divorce Alec.

  I said, “I don’t know.” I was frank with her. I really didn’t know. Yes, I had threatened Alec with divorce when he said he was going to marry Carolyn, but threatening it and actually going ahead to do it were a world apart. I had not made any decisions yet, and I would prefer not to think about it right then.

  Asiya was somewhat silent, as though she didn’t like my answer. I could sense a note of disapproval in her unspoken words. Maybe she thought I was a fool for staying in a marriage that had become polygamous. She went on to say that had Alec stayed married to her, he would have never married anyone else. She said it was my fault for letting him do it.

  I didn’t say anything in response to her accusation. People are quick to say what they would do if they were in someone else’s shoes. I know differently. No one knows what they’d do until they are in the particular situation. She was known to call herself a “diva,” so
she must have been full of herself, whereby she thought that she could keep a man on a leash. I’m pretty confident of myself but was never that self-assured.

  The four nights that Alec and Carolyn had together, following their marriage, passed by in lightning speed to me. When Alec’s days with Carolyn ended and he came home to me, I was overcome with joy. I didn’t know I’d miss him so much.

  In the midst of my excitement, I still knew it was crazy that I welcomed Alec home after he had just come from being with Carolyn. Was I irrational? I hadn’t planned on being so happy to see him, but I was. I wasn’t the angry, cold and aloof person that I thought I’d be. Life keeps presenting me with one surprise after another. I can’t call it. Every day is different, the same as the clouds in the sky are never formed and flowing in the same way from day to day. The patterns are always different.

  So Alec was home and he was beaming with joy. He was glad to see me as much as I was to see him. While getting himself settle in, he talked about general things.

  He said that he had spoken with Asiya again, and he quoted her to have said, “Tell your wife not to call me anymore.”

  It took me by surprise. Like many other things these past few days, I didn’t expect it. I suppose she would be my friend if I agree to divorce Alec. If I stay married to him, she wanted nothing to do with me. She had sided with me against Alec when she first learned he had married Carolyn.

  The ancient proverb, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” came to mind. Yes, how apt it was. I suppose Asiya only had no problem with me, if I wasn’t going to support Alec and Carolyn’s marriage by staying married to him. It seemed she’d be okay with me if I divorced Alec. She and I could become good friends then. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t. There was no middle ground for her. It was her way or the highway.

  You need to know that Asiya never liked me. I had tried to befriend her before Alec and I married. I considered her to be a sister-in-faith. Alec had told me so much about her. She and Alec had divorced amicably. Any friend of Alec should be a friend of mine since we’d be traveling in the same circles. Why not befriend her? But, Asiya apparently hadn’t shared my sentiments.

  To give you a better understanding, let me tell you of an incident that happened before Alec and I got married. Alec and I were having dinner in a restaurant early one evening. He had excused himself to go to the restroom, leaving his cell phone on the table.

  Shortly after he left the table, his phone rang, and I answered it. It was Asiya.

  “Who are you?” She said in a rather rude and demanding voice.

  I tried not to read too much into it, and I introduced myself to her.

  She went bonkers. She was hollering into the phone to the point that I had to move it from my ear because it was hurting me. She was so loud.

  “What are you doing answering that man’s phone?” She didn’t let me get a word in edgewise.

  She said she was going to come and f*ck me up. She had a fertile imagination. It seemed that she knew exactly how she was going to go about it. She kept repeating that same phrase over and over again. When she finished telling me what she was physically going to do to me, I feared for my life.

  It’s apparent that she had a knack for pressing fear buttons. I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. I was frightened out of my wits. I didn’t know what she was capable of. I couldn’t make an accurate assessment of her metal stability. She didn’t sound stable to me.

  Alec returned from the restroom, and it was obvious that he could see the look of terror in my face. There was no way that he could miss that I was trembling and was visibly upset. He said, “What’s wrong? What Happened?” I told him what had transpired in his absence.

  I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the evening with Alec. I said, “I have to go home. I’m not feeling well.” He said that she was all talk and no action. He assured me that she wouldn’t harm me. Although he showed no concern about her and her threats, he didn’t convince me that I had nothing to worry about.

  I needed to go home right away. I was panic stricken, which he could clearly see. He paid the bill and we left. He had to drive me to his house for me to get my car. I had driven there because the restaurant was closer to his home than to mine.

  I feared that Asiya would be waiting there when we got there, but he said she lived over a couple of hours away. Alec said, “Call me as soon as you get home and let me know you got there okay.” I did.

  As I said, Alec and Asiya were still friends despite their divorce. He spoke with her regularly and was very involved in her children’s lives. Remember, Asiya had children from her previous marriage, one of them was that reprehensible Naima.

  Asiya had divorced and later married Alec. After she and Alec divorced, and he married me, he spoke with Asiya on the phone in my presence often. I’d tell him to say, “As Salaamu Alaikum” (peace and blessings of God be upon you) from me to her. He would, but she’d never say it back. Muslims are commanded by God to return a greeting with one equal or better. So much for her listening to what God says about that.

  It’s funny, or maybe it’s not. One day I jokingly said, “You should marry Asiya again and have her as a second wife.” He mentioned it to her. Her son did as well. I had been joking. I didn’t think that Alec would take me seriously when I said it. I mean, darn, I hadn’t taken myself seriously. It was just a harmless joke, so I thought.

  Alec didn’t see it the way I had. He apparently took me seriously. He evidently still had feelings for her, as well. I had enough confidence in him and me, and our marriage to not really care if he still had some feelings for her or not. She was no competition in my mind.

  Asiya’s told Alec and her son not to ever mention polygamy to her again. She was adamant. She wasn’t playing.

  She said, “I’m the only Mrs. Coleman.” I suppose she thought that she was too good to be a second wife.

  I presumed it was an insult to a “diva.” I didn’t see her in that light. I had seen her picture and she’s no beauty queen either; although she could be one compared to Carolyn. Alec had a picture of him and Asiya, and a picture of him and Carolyn, separate, but on the same keychain in our desk drawer. It’s how I knew what they both looked like.

  I was surprised that Alec had taken my joke so seriously. Boy-oh-boy was he gullible. I’ve since learned not to joke about something so serious. It should be a lesson for all.

  Let’s get back to the matter at hand. Alec is now home with me. He had left Carolyn after the four nights as agreed. He came home to me on the day before New Year’s Eve. Although we as Muslims typically don’t celebrate the non-Islamic holidays or we shouldn’t, a sense of festivity was in the air. I was happy that he was home and was happy that he was happy to be home with me. We were jubilant and cheerful.

  He jumped into the bed and was looking at me with a big smile on his face. He was so cute and adorable. I stood looking back at him in adoration. It then suddenly occurred to me to tell him to get up and take a shower. After all, he was just coming back from being with Carolyn, an idea that I could have done without in my head right at that moment. I had no idea how clean she was. I didn’t know anything about her to that degree.

  He acquiesced. After which, we then had a very enjoyable, festive time together just playing around and talking about light stuff, nothing serious. It was so enjoyable, and it was almost like the old days. It was a mirror of our lives before Alec had decided that he wanted to be polygamous. Throughout that day, we didn’t quarrel or discuss him and Carolyn at all.

  It’s now New Year’s Eve. The lull of the previous day was over. No matter how hard I tried, it was difficult for me to forget about Carolyn and that we were now in a polygamous marriage. It all seemed foreign to me, and I couldn’t free myself from the thoughts of it all. So, what was I to do? I got a bright idea to call Carolyn? It was exactly what I did that New Year’s Eve, around six o’clock that evening

  I didn’t have Carolyn’s phone number, so I took Alec’s cell phone into
the bedroom to get it. I used his cell phone and made the call. She didn’t answer, which was even better. It gave me time to rehearse the voice mail message that I would leave. I took a deep breath, called her back and left the message, which went like this:

  “Hi Carolyn, this is Ana, your co-wife” (saying co-wife left a lump in my throat. I totally dislike the word ‘co-wife.’ The word never made sense to me).

  I said, “I just thought I’d call and introduce myself. After all, we are sharing the same man. I don’t mind now. I had him all to myself for five years. I do have the Marriage License and all that goes with it. I have all his work benefits, insurance, and everything.” I said,

  “I had a beautiful wedding, wedding reception, honeymoon and all that. I have his last name as well. Yeah, I don’t mind sharing. Call me anytime,” I said. I left my work and cell phone numbers on her voice mail, and then I ended the call.

  You can’t possibly know how nerve-racking it was for me to pull that one off with Alec in the next room. I had to locate her phone number in his cell phone, record the message, listen to it, erase and re-record it in order to get it right, and then leave it.

  I was shaking like a leaf. I was trying to maintain some composure. I was trying to keep my voice from quivering while I recorded the message. I wanted to sound cool, calm, collected and convincing. It wouldn’t do for me to leave a boss lady speech, and then my voice sounds like that of a nervous Nellie.

  The evening for Alec and I was wonderful. It was very nice. We were warm and fuzzy with each other, and relaxed. Little did he know what I had done. He and I ushered in 2002 together with a big bang. Talking about spectacular fireworks...

  I still hadn’t mentioned anything to him about what I had done to Carolyn, and I had no intention to. She deserves everything that she gets. Sigh. It was stressful, taxing on the nerves, and energy draining to play these games. But, I was compelled to do it. I didn’t think what had happened to me was right. She had come into my life and bogarted my husband. She had taken what was mine, and I was forced to share whether I wanted to or not.