The Silent Tears of Polygamy

by Robin Johnson

  It’s now early in the morning on New Year’s Day. Carolyn called Alec on his cell phone, and he took it into the other room to talk with her. He seemed to be okay when he had finished the conversation and, frankly, I was confused. I was soon to know why.

  He informed me that Carolyn said I had called her and left a nice message. Really? Was she serious? That message was anything but nice, and I thought it was weird that she’d tell Alec otherwise. At the time, I didn’t know she was a game player, too.

  Alec and I spent the entire day together with his mom, his step-grandchildren and his great niece. We all went to the movies and had loads of fun together, eating popcorn, “Twizzlers” and “M&Ms” with peanuts. I don’t care much for “Twizzlers.” I can’t forget the soda, of course. I only drink soda at the movies. I managed to put Carolyn out of my mind most of the time while I was out with Alec and his family.

  Alec still hadn’t said anything to me about the call. I assumed she really had told him an untruth in saying that I left her a nice message. Otherwise, I’m sure he would have called me out on it.

  As per our schedule, he was to go to Carolyn’s home that evening to begin his three nights with her.

  I was happy to be out of the house. When there is a lot of noise and festivities going on, it provides very active resistance against negative thoughts taking root.

  Well, we dropped Alec’s niece off at her home first. Alec walked her to the door, and I could see that he took his cell phone with him. While at the door, Alec was on the phone, and it crossed my mind that maybe it was Carolyn with whom he was speaking.

  He put the phone away and walked slowly and sluggishly back to our car. He looked disturbed, but not angry. He had a sad, puppy dog expression on his face. Nonetheless, he was still very friendly and pleasant to me. I had expected that he would have a thing or two to say about what I had said to Carolyn; but no, he hadn’t.

  We dropped everyone else off, and he drove me home. He came inside with me, kissed me and said goodbye. He said he had a wonderful time. I said, “I did, too.”

  I knew Carolyn had been steaming, angry and anxious all day, which would only be a natural reaction to something such as what she experienced. She had to be on a boil when Alec had just spoken with her on the phone. I had a feeling she wanted to know what was taking him so long to get to her. I think she was holding everything in to unleash it on him all at once.

  I could only imagine the explosion that would take place once he got there with her. She probably was imploding while she impatiently waited. I imagined that she was cursing up a storm. I didn’t hear from him until the next day. Again, there was no mention of the call that I had made to Carolyn.

  Alec came back home to me three days later, as scheduled. Everything was as though nothing had happened. I can’t remember how it came about or what led to it, but I did remember him saying to me without looking at me, “Try to be civil.”

  I knew he meant it in regards to how I had communicated with Carolyn. He went ahead and said, “There is no need to pour salt on her wound. She’s already hurts enough about it.”

  That was him saying his piece. Well, I’m thinking, we all know a few people are hurting in this relationship (polygamy) right about now, and it’s not just her. We were all going to have to deal with it the best that we could. My way probably wasn’t the best way, but it was the only way that I knew. Being in a polygamous marriage was new to me, too.

  Alec opened up to me a bit more about her. I was eager to hear what he had to say. He said Carolyn keeps asking him why he didn’t marry her before when they had been together for years. She asked why he married me and not her. He said she was very hurt because of it.

  Alec said, he told her it was because she wasn’t Muslim. What a lie he told her. He was barely Muslim himself. Her comeback was that he had never asked her to become one.

  If she was born with any sense, she would know that if Muslim mattered and he loved her, he would have asked her to convert/revert. It’s just common sense. If she fell for the excuse that he gave her, she’ll fall for anything.

  He further said that he told Carolyn that if she doesn’t acknowledge me, she would be viewed as a mistress. She said, “I don’t want to be a mistress.” Well, she needs to stop acting as one.

  I asked Alec how she was coming along with learning Islam. He said that she snapped at him, saying that she’d learn it at her own pace. He said to me that he doesn’t want to be an ogre so he is going to leave her alone about it.

  One day soon after, Alec and I were talking about something totally unrelated. He interrupted and said, “I want you to meet Carolyn. I think it’s important for the two of you to meet.”

  Oh, really?

  “Oh, so now it’s okay,” I said. It came to me that it’s okay for her and me to meet now that there is no chance that I could sabotage his and her marriage, being that they are already married.

  I had asked Alec if I could meet Carolyn before they had gotten married. He refused outright, fearing that I would somehow find a way to prevent the marriage from happening. I had put it behind me and let it go. Now the tables had turned and it was Alec who was asking me to meet her.

  What was Alec’s motive for wanting us to meet now? I wasn’t going to just accept this at face value. I had learned a lot these past months, and I now make it a point to watch out for myself. Alec always tries to find a benefit for himself in everything that he does. I best watch out for me because, apparently, it didn’t seem that he would.

  A lot of questions and thoughts flooded my mind. Different scenarios were playing on a loop in my head. I wondered, did Alec contemplate what would happen if he was with Carolyn and there was an emergency involving him? On the other side of the coin, who would notify her if he was hospitalized or passed away while he was with me?

  The way that I was feeling at that particular moment, I thought to myself, if he should pass away tomorrow, only God knows when she’d find out. After all is said and done, I don’t know that woman.

  Maybe it’s why now he thought it was a good time for her and me to meet each other. The actual marriage happened already. The only thing left was to finalize the details, which could be what he was trying to do in wanting her and me to communicate with each other.

  Perhaps to finalize the details is another reason for wives in a polygamous marriage to know one another. It was the sensible part of me talking, but I wasn’t ready to listen. I ignored my rational thoughts, and in a sharp tone that was firm and unrelenting, I said, “I don’t want to meet her and I won’t.” I was adamant about it. I wanted to discuss it no further, and we didn’t that day.

  It didn’t stop there though. Alec was persistent when he wanted something done in a particular way. He didn’t give up easily. He reached out to me a number of times, wanting me to help her. He asked me to teach her about Islam and the different doctrines.

  Not only did he call me at home to discuss it, he called me at work a number of times, saying the same thing. I had no intention of budging, no matter how hard or often he tried. Why should I accommodate him and her?

  “No. I’m not going to teach her anything.” It was the standard answer that I gave him.

  First, I don’t think I’m in the position to teach anyone, anything about Islam. I was still on the path of learning about it myself, and I was constantly asking God to increase my knowledge. I was trying to change myself, so that God would change me. I needed His help. I haven’t been proud of the way that I had been behaving.

  I was becoming increasingly frustrated with Alec, because every single time I turned around, he was asking me to please teach Carolyn about Islam. Mind you, this was a woman who had never reached out to me. No hello. No goodbye. No kiss my rear end, nothing. She was like a phantom to me. She didn’t seem real.

  He asked me who was going to teach her istinja (hygiene after using the toilet). He asked me to show her how to wear a khimar (Muslima headscarf). I said no to it all.

  His
constant pestering me, asking me to teach her this and to teach her that became intolerable for me, and I had to make it crystal clear to him that it has got to stop. I had to bring it home to him once and for all. Screaming, I said,

  “Stop badgering me about that woman.” “I’m not going to teach her anything.” I meant it too. I was serious, serious as a heart attack, as in dead serious.

  A scene from “The Network” came to mind. It was a movie in which a news anchor said, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore.” What he said described my thoughts exactly.

  Carolyn obviously has never thought it was necessary for her to call me. Before Alec married Carolyn, he said that she had made it crystal clear to him that she didn’t want to know me. She didn’t want me to know anything about her either. Most importantly, she didn’t want to know that I exist. She said she wasn’t ready for me yet.

  Did she really have the gumption to tell him that? It was a heck of an attitude to have towards me when she had just married my husband. Who did she think she was? She clearly exists in my life and I exist in hers. There is no getting around it. Did she actually think that she could block me out that way, by just pretending that I don’t exist? That’s unquestionably delusional. She thinks she could stick her head in the sand and not see anything, and that makes it not real?

  Was she living in her own little dream world? I couldn’t understand how Alec was going along with the nonsense. It made no kind of sense to me and I am a sensible person. I thought that he was too. If she was that resolute in not wanting to know of my existence, then why was Alec sweating me about helping her? Were they both delusional?

  When one is in a polygamous marriage, there is a lot of ignorance that one must ignore. Alec knew how to annoy me when it came to his other wife Carolyn. It was an atypical gift that he had.

  How were we to move forward in a polygamous marriage when neither Alec, Carolyn, nor I were in step with one another. None of us were playing from the same sheet of music. Yet, we had to proceed on and move forward, each going in different directions.

  Moving Forward in Polygamy

  I don’t know why, but I feel as though time should have taken a noticeably huge leap. My life did, but time didn’t. It just goes to show that the saying, time is no respecter of persons is true. Regardless of the upheaval, changes, and adjustments that I’ve gone through, it’s still January 2002. What that translates into in my head is that it’s just a couple of weeks since Alec married Carolyn.

  During this time, Alec’s maternal aunt suddenly passed away. Alec offered to take his mother to the funeral in Smithfield, Virginia. I don’t know if he offered out of the goodness of his heart, or he thought it would be a good chance to get back into his mother’s good graces being that his mom was still not happy that he had married Carolyn. He asked me to go with him to Virginia.

  It was pretty obvious that he wasn’t very enthusiastic about the trip, and I could understand why. He was now a newlywed. I imagine that he would want to spend more time with his bride. But that’s just me assuming.

  I agreed to go with Alec to Virginia. We drove there, which took us several hours. I was awfully quiet during the ride. I barely was a part of the conversations that Alec and his mom had. I was not my cheerful and joyful self but quite the opposite. I was sad.

  We arrived in Smithfield, Virginia safely and soundly without incident. Before going to his family’s home to pay our respects, we stopped at a restaurant to have some lunch. Alec excused himself from the table to use his cell phone. His mom watched me while I watched Alec from a far. Anytime he was on his cell phone in my presence, I immediately assumed that he was talking with Carolyn. I was overly suspicious of him.

  His mom said that he was probably conversing about business. I sensed that she was aware that I wasn’t my usual self, and she wanted to help and console me. I could tell by the way she looked at me that she was concerned about me. She stared at me, and I could see that she was worried. It was as though she could read my thoughts and wanted to comfort me, but didn’t know how.

  Not only was it difficult for me that Alec married Carolyn, it bothered his mom, as well. Some mothers cover for their children regardless of how wrong the children are. His mom didn’t side with Alec against me. She and I hadn’t had time alone to talk to each other about what Alec had done. I learned from my mom that his mom didn’t approve of his other marriage. His mom didn’t view it as a marriage.

  So, after we grabbed a bite to eat, Alec, his mom and I went to his family’s home to pay our respects and to visited for a while. Alec and I sat together quietly on the couch most of evening just holding hands. At other times, he had his arm around me, as I leaned against his upper chest and shoulder and just relaxed. During the visit, he went outside to talk with some of the guys for a short while. It was unseasonably warm for that time of the year.

  I had met most of his family before at a family reunion. It was nice to see them again. They were all very hospitable and although his Aunt had died, the atmosphere was somewhat lively.

  After a few hours, we retreated to the hotel where we had reservations. The funeral would be the next day.

  The next day, Alec left with his mom to go to the funeral. I stayed in the hotel because I don’t attend non-Muslim funerals. In Islam, it’s not necessary for women to attend any funeral, anyhow. I now have a valid reason not to go to any funeral regardless of who died, so now I don’t go. Attending funerals was never one of my favorite things to do. When I used to go to them, I found myself wanting to breakout in laughter while sitting among all the people. I have no idea what that was about, but it happened every time.

  It was nice spending the day in the hotel alone while they were at the funeral. It gave me a lot of time to think, not only about my marriage but about life in general.

  Being that it was very warm outside, although it was winter, I was inspired to leave the room. So I wandered off into the outdoors to breathe in the fresh air. I took a moment to really inhale and exhale, and it was so good. It’s peculiar that there was an old fashion wooden swing set off in a distance. I went over to it and sat upon it. I sat there swinging back and forth, as though I was a kid again. It took me back to a time when life was carefree, and I had not a concern in the world.

  I took the time to see the beauty of the clear, blue sky, and to feel the gentle breeze. It was serene, and I found peace while out there all alone at one with nature. It was the refreshing breath of fresh air that made the trip to Virginia worthwhile. During those moments, I was invigorated and renewed. It was a terrific pick-me-up.

  After the funeral, that evening, while we were still in Smithfield, Virginia, which is ironically known for its pork (not the best place for Muslims) Alec’s mom stayed with her relatives while he and I went to a quiet restaurant for an intimate dinner. Being that I was not feeling my usual self and was a bit down in the dumps, dining with him was awkward. We finished our dinner without much discussion of anything significant.

  After dinner, I went back to the hotel room to relaxed while Alec went to spend some time with some of his non-Muslim male relatives. I basically read some magazines, and reviewed some Islamic notes that I had brought there with me. I just chilled out in bed.

  When Alec returned to our hotel room, we chatted for a while. He said that he had a nice time shooting the breeze with the guys. He mentioned to me that the guys had asked him how he has sex with two different women.

  It was silly of me to think that he would keep that information to himself. Why should he, really? It was an opportune time for him to tell them that he has two wives. It must have been a huge boost for his ego.

  His conversation about it with the guys was something that I didn’t need to know about. I didn’t want to hear about it. I thought that he would be sensible enough not to impose that type of talk on me. I couldn’t understand why he’d talk to me about that type of thing. It came to mind how insensitive towards me that he could be. Could he actually
be intentionally trying to hurt me by rubbing it in my face?

  I was curious now. I asked him how he answered the question. He said he didn’t answer it because he didn’t know what to say. Is there a logical answer to such a question? I think it’s something that one has to live to find out. Not only that, I’m sure those guys have had sex with more than one woman in their lifetime. Well, then, how was that? I doubt there is a difference. It was an answer for Alec to give them.

  I was beginning to get depressed on this trip. It was supposed to be a time to get away and just forget about my real life for a while but unfortunately, it looked as though it wasn’t going to happen. The whole polygamy of it all was starting to sink in. Not just sink in, it was beginning to have a deeper physical and psychological effect on me.

  I tuned Alec out. It wasn’t something that I set out to do. It just happened. My mind seemed fogged and I was lethargic. My life seemed to be moving in slow motion, and I wasn’t always there moving with it. I was slowly losing myself.

  Before we left to return to NY, we went to the home where Alec’s relatives were congregating to say our last goodbyes. While we were there, I spoke privately with Alec’s cousin Dari. I know her quite well. She said, “You’ve lost a lot of weight.” Indeed, I had. Even I could feel it and see for myself that I was quite thin. Besides my physical appearance having changed, sadness and despondency had become my shadows. They followed me everywhere that I went.

  As Dari and I walked outside together she said, “Are you and Alec having problems.” There simply wasn’t any easy answer. I surprisingly mustered up enough strength to respond and with my head held down, I quietly said,