The Silent Tears of Polygamy

by Robin Johnson

  I said, “I don’t need one.” I suppose he never noticed, or maybe he just forgot that I already had at least five coats in my closet, two of which were long. It wasn’t totally surprising to me that he didn’t realized that I had long coats already.

  Men aren’t always aware of what women wear unless it’s sexy. My long coats weren’t that. One was practical for everyday and the other was elegant. Nonetheless, it angered me so much that I went out the next day and bought myself a new Calvin Klein coat just for the heck of it. You should have seen the look of surprise on his face when I showed it to him. His eyes grew wide. He stared at the coat and didn’t say a word about it.

  Whatever happened over there with Carolyn, Alec pretty much tried to make it happen over here with me. It was like watching a movie that he wanted to recreate. Usually, a sequel isn’t as good as the first. Maybe he took pleasure out of seeing both her and my reaction to the same scenario. Who knows?

  It didn’t make me feel special in any way that he was always giving her and me the same things. I doubt anyone would feel special having to play second fiddle. I let him know that I wanted something different than whatever he wanted to give her. He was trying to mold me into someone else, even subconsciously. I needed to keep my individuality.

  Whenever I complained to my wali and his wife about anything regarding Alec, the fact that he gives me the same things that he gives Carolyn, or I complained about something similar, they always brought the remembrance of God to my attention. They reiterated to me that God is supposed to be my focal point.

  My wali, said, “Every time you get angry and upset about what you have received from Alec, you are ungrateful to God.” He said, “Everything comes from God and not from Alec.” Alec was simply a channel or a portal for His blessings.

  Well, I understood what my wali and his wife said to me, and I agreed with them. But, it didn’t stop there with just material things that he gave me. He actually began to change things in our home, and it wasn’t for the good, at least not in my opinion.

  One day, he brought home a “Window Insulator Kit.” It’s clear plastic that goes over windows to keep the cold air out. In all the five years of our marriage, Alec and I never discussed having to conserve energy. Here he was now wanting to put plastic on our windows. I know he had to have put it on the windows of her house, for him to now want it on his and mine.

  I told him straight, “You are not going to cover our windows with that plastic.” I said, “I’m not going to live that way. It makes no sense to me.” I said, “How am I supposed to look out the windows with that crap on it?” Although I probably wouldn’t open the windows in the winter, anyhow, I still like knowing that I can if I want to. I’m claustrophobic as it is. The mere thought of being closed in with plastic on the windows makes me anxious.

  It wasn’t that we were in a bind and needed to save money. We weren’t short of it. I mean, even if he didn’t have the money, I had enough that we didn’t need to skimp and save that way.

  It didn’t stop there. He’d cook a casserole or something in the oven for us and when it was done, he’d leave the oven door open. I’d say, “Why did you leave the oven door open?” He’d say, “It’s to heat the house with the excess heat.” He had got to be kidding me. Each time that he did it, I’d go and slam the oven door shut. One or two times, I got so agitated with it to the point that I said, “That’s just ghetto.” I thought if I insulted him enough that he’d stop it.

  It seemed as though if it wasn’t one thing it was another. Everyone has a pet peeve or some idiosyncrasy. One of mine has to do with a rug around a toilet. I think having a rug near the toilet is unsanitary and unhygienic. I, therefore, don’t have a rug close to the toilet. It’s a distance away.

  Now, suddenly, Alec had a need for the rug to be very close to the toilet, if not up against it. It had never been that way before, so what had changed to make him change it? Scratching my head. Oh, that’s right. He married Carolyn. He now does what she does, apparently.

  Then there is the closing of the doors. I like all the door in my house to be open. I like the feeling of spaciousness. I like the air to flow freely through the rooms, which can’t happen if the doors are all closed. Now, Alec was unexpectedly closing all the doors in our home, leaving me to go behind him to open them again. He said he closed them to conserve the heat. Sigh.

  It all was driving me crazy. I’m sure it must have been having an effect on Alec, as well. She was telling him one thing to do, and I was telling him another. How could he keep up and remember what he was supposed to do and where. He had to learn a whole new way of living with Carolyn, and now he wanted to live the same way with me. He was probably unaware that he was doing it.

  I was furious because I don’t want her to dictate how I live. She can control him however she wants to, but I have a problem with it when it affects me. He was going to have to figure out how to keep her and my lives separate. I know it’s hard, but life is hard.

  It seemed that everything was beginning to be about Carolyn, and I didn’t like it. I think it happens a lot when another wife pops up on the scene and joins an existing family. The additional wife thinks that she’s special. The first wife, on the other hand, doubts herself and thinks that she is no longer extraordinary. I get a feeling it’s what’s happening with Carolyn. She thinks that she is more special than I am.

  I’m sure Alec played on her sympathy to get her to marry him. I’d imagine that he talked a lot to her about his, ‘woe is me.’ He must have said how unhappy he was in his and my marriage. If he was complaining about me to her, it would make sense that she would think that she was all that and more. It’s to be expected that she’d feel and think that she’s superior.

  Why wouldn’t she think that she was going to get the regal treatment, and I’d take the backseat once they are married? Men have a tendency to dismiss their first wives to the potential wife, so that they can lure them into marriage. The men will say anything to get the potential wife to say yes to a polygamous marriage, even when it’s not the truth or it’s only partially the truth.

  It’s common for a man who wants to be polygamous to lie to a woman whom he wishes to become one of his wives. His motive for doing it is to convince her to marry him. He will say all sorts of things and whatever is necessary to get her to say, yay.

  A man can be very clever and cunning when he tries to get a woman to accept his proposal to enter a polygamous marriage. He uses whatever he can as an excuse to get the other woman to become one of his wives. In every scenario that he paints, his existing wife is the bad person who is making his life miserable. He portrays himself as just a man going throughout life without happiness and love.

  He may say things about his wife, ranging from but not limited to: she has mental problems; she’ll kill herself if I leave her; she can’t cook; I don’t love her, but I love my kids and can’t leave my kids; she’ll take my kids from me; she’ll prevent me from seeing them and from having access to them; we haven’t had sex with each other in years.

  The list goes on. You name it. Nothing is far-fetched when it comes to men trying to get what they want. They’ll stop at nothing when lead by desire.

  There is no taking back what was said. Once the potential wife is married, she’ll hold on to what the husband had said about his other wife. She’ll always see his other wife in an ugly light unless the wives become cordial or friends with each other later, which is rare.

  A man who wants to convince a woman to join an existing marriage as an additional wife has to do a lot of pleading, begging, enchanting and sweet talking to her. In the course of it, he usually demeans or belittles his current wife.

  The man can be quite creative in what he says to sway a woman to say yes, she’ll marry him and become a second wife. A woman is reluctant to marry a man who is already married. She doesn’t want to be a second, third or fourth wife. Everyone wants to be number one. No one wants to be second, third or fourth in anything, unless the choi
ce is to have it or nothing at all. Anything beats a blank.

  The wife who joins the family tends to believe what the man says about his wife. Maybe that’s because she wants to believe it. People believe what they want to believe. Of course, it doesn’t end there. She may think that she will replace the wife. Take it a step further; she may think that she could get the husband to divorce the wife.

  She does a lot of “Thinking.” Perhaps she thinks that the only thing she needs to do is to get married to the man, then he’ll see how wonderful she is, and what she hopes for will become a reality. Oftentimes and erroneously, she thinks that once they are married, she’ll become number one or the only one.

  It’s amazing how women can be just as clever and conniving as men when they want something very much. Oftentimes they are deceitful in that they don’t reveal their motive is to take over once they are in the polygamous marriage, if not before.

  Alec apparently had told other people that I couldn’t cook, so he could make me out to be the bad person. It was a convenient excuse for needing another wife. I know this, because suddenly there were other people who came to me, telling me that they could give me recipes and tips on how to cook.

  After Alec had married Carolyn, and he had badmouthed me to others about me not being able to cook, and people bombarded me with recipes and cooking tips, I decided to cook. Alec threw a little wrench into my plan, though. He wouldn’t allow me to do the cooking. He said he enjoys cooking, and he insisted that he continue to do it. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. When I persisted in saying that I’d cook, he became quite belligerent about it. So, I stopped pushing the issue.

  It’s amazing that people had made it such a big deal that I didn’t cook. They made an opera out it. Besides cooking, Alec did nothing other than work his job at Novartis.

  I wasn’t a housewife. He and I both worked outside and inside the home. I did all that it takes to run a household. I kept the house clean, did the dishes, did the laundry, did the grocery shopping, and much more. I ran the household. I pulled more than my weight in the home. To hear it from Alec, though, I did nothing but sit on my butt all day, stuffing my face with food.

  One night when Alec was with me, I listened to him when he was on the telephone, talking with Carolyn. He was telling her that I was on my menses, and he wouldn’t be having sex with me. It was an untruth, as Alec knew good and well that I wasn’t on my menses. I don’t know if he had promised her that he wouldn’t have sex with me, or what caused him to tell her that.

  It made me furious to hear him lie that way. I let him know that I heard what he said to her. I sat him down and said, “I’m your wife. If she can’t handle that you have sex with me, it’s her problem. Polygamy is allowed. It’s okay for you to have sex with all of your wives.” I said, “You don’t have to pretend or lie to her about having sex with me.”

  I said, “Don’t you ever make her think that I am undesirable.” I was stern about it.

  I was learning so much by being in a polygamous marriage. I was learning different life lessons. While some were downright unpleasant and painful, all of them have taught me something or another. I learned not to trust anyone, not even a husband. God had already instructed us on it. He tells us in the Holy Quran, not to put our faith and trust in anyone other than Him. My days of putting my faith and trust in Alec were over.

  Feelings, Thoughts and Actions

  I know life is a journey, and we all take different paths to our destination. By extension, every individual should be able to make his or her own intentions as well as mistakes. Although we should be able to, we don’t always because somehow, maybe even subconsciously, we judge others based on our own personal standards. And usually, we fall short in our thinking. We project our own expectation onto others.

  The rational part of me knows that I have no reason to feel different, but rational thinking didn’t have much of a chance. Sometimes I thought about how weird this lifestyle of polygamy that I am living is, to the point that I thought others would see me as an anomaly.

  Every now and again, the thought crossed my mind about what others would think, if they knew what was going on in my life. I know it shouldn’t matter to me, but it did. Yes, maybe the direction of my thoughts was indeed unnecessary but not without consequence, and I knew it. Knowing didn’t change it, though.

  It wasn’t usual for Alec to go away on many business trips; therefore, the neighbors shouldn’t think anything was out of the ordinary when they’d see him coming and going frequently. Because Alec was away on business often, I surmised that they may not have thought anything odd about Alec coming and going every few days.

  Additionally, I often wondered what his and my nonMuslim family members thought of Alec and me. I’m sure the situation seemed strange to them, to say the least. It would be interesting to take a peek into their minds and have a glimpse at their thoughts.

  What is the saying?–‘I wish I could be a fly on the wall,’ so I could see and hear what’s going on? I think it’s a silly saying. I wouldn’t want to be a nasty fly. There is not that much wanting to know in the world.

  Everything that had happened had brought me to this point, and if I were honest with myself, I would say that I wasn’t feeling the marriage much, and I questioned whether I wanted to stay in it. I relate it to getting to the last quarter of a race and thinking-this is it, I’m so through with this.

  I was at my wit’s end and couldn’t take it anymore. I was at that precipice and thought that I was through with my marriage. In the midst of all these tumultuous feelings, I reasoned that if I had to end my marriage, I had to do it right.

  I decided to seek an attorney to consult with about what my options were. Being that I needed to have an attorney, I decided on a prominent, high profile divorce lawyer for a consultation. Then, I went ahead and schedule an appointment.

  I met with the attorney one afternoon. I told tell him my story, and he was taking notes of what I said. When I got to the part where I said that Alec married Carolyn, you should have seen the look on his face. Suddenly, he stopped writing and quickly glanced up from the paper. He looked over top of his glasses and at me. He put his pen down and simply stared at me with a quizzical look that read–what did you just say?

  “But, he’s married to you.” The lawyer looked as though he simply couldn’t figure out how it was possible. There was an expression of confusion on his face.

  “Yes.” I answered him. What else could I say? Alec was indeed married to Carolyn and to me.

  “If he wants to live that way, tell him to go to Saudi Arabia or Iran or someplace else like it to live.” Of course, I had no intention of telling Alec that, but the lawyer did say so. I know a man should be able to live polygamy anywhere, so I wasn’t about to suggest to Alec that he should do as the attorney said.

  It’s amazing that I can think back on it now and find some humor in the situation. It’s funny now when I talk about it, but it surely wasn’t funny at all then.

  The attorney was having a difficult time trying to understand Alec and my marriage schedule. He couldn’t make sense of the three nights here and the three nights there. He said, “How is it so, when there are only seven days in a week?” He said, “Where does he stay on the seventh day?” He couldn’t understand that it’s always in a segment of three with no break. We both decided to skip over that part for the time being to save us a lot of time and aggravation in me trying to explain and him trying to understand.

  Based on what the attorney said, a divorce would be advantageous for me. He said that he believes that the court would award me damages. The attorney made me understand that Alec would have to pay me the monies that he had given Carolyn because it was marital property. He said the monies that he had given her were mine and Alec’s, and it should be in the bank for when we need it, not for him to take care of another woman.

  He said that I’d get part of Alec’s pension as well. He went ahead to include the fact that Alec would have to pa
y me alimony. All in all, I would end up with the long end of the stick. It wasn’t a bad deal. All things considered, it was kind of sweet.

  It would seem that knowing that the cards were in my hands would make me feel better. Well, it didn’t. I didn’t feel comfortable with the thought of what I’d obtain from using the legal system against Alec when it was contrary to Islamic law. The steps that I was taking made me concerned. It seemed contrary to the teachings of Islam to proceed that way.

  I told the attorney that I’d have to think about it, and I’d let him know whether to proceed with the matter. In our discussion, he didn’t try to dissuade me, not once, from considering a divorce. That didn’t exactly come as a surprise. It made sense. Being a divorce lawyer was his stock in trade, and dissuading me from divorcing Alec would mean he was working against himself. He makes money from advocating divorce. It was that simple.

  He said, “If you don’t divorce him, he’ll continue to see her, if he has to sneak to do it or not.” I knew that what he had said was correct. Alec could easily say he had divorced Carolyn and continue to see her and take care of her. How would I know differently, unless I wanted to be a Mrs. Sherlock Holmes and constantly spy on Alec for the duration of his and my marriage? I wasn’t up for that.

  I gave divorce careful consideration. At the end of my consultation with myself, I decided against divorcing Alec. I still loved Alec. Furthermore, why should I divorce my husband and allow Carolyn to have him? He was my husband before he became hers. Why should I be alone or have to seek out another man to marry? It didn’t make sense to me to give up my marriage for some trollop.

  I concluded that I would be foolish to turn Alec over to her that easily. I waited all my life for this man who is now my husband. Now was I supposed to turn over the keys to my life with him to her, so that she could have him and I be without? I’ve done some foolish things in my days, but this would be the icing on the cake.