The Silent Tears of Polygamy

by Robin Johnson

  Even if I have to hold onto him so that she won’t have him, I was willing to do that, as well. It wasn’t as though I was in a loveless, bad marriage. The only problem that I was having was in the acceptance of polygamy. It was a problem that I believed I could conquer.

  The attorney mailed me an outline of his fees and said that he could start processing the divorce papers as soon as I send him a retainer. I kept the attorney’s information on hand just in case I need it in the future.

  One day unexpectedly, my mom telephoned me to talk about Alec. Usually I would call her to talk about him, not the other way around. She never much initiated the discussion about him, but this time was different.

  My mom was obviously thinking somewhat along the same lines as me about me not divorcing Alec. She said that she was brainstorming it and came to the conclusion that I would hurt myself, if I divorced Alec. Usually mothers are wise, so I had to listen to her and I did so attentively.

  She went a bit further and said, “Alec may want to divorce you but will come back to you later to remarry you without a Marriage License.” It made perfectly good sense to me that I would then be on the same level as Carolyn. The level could be lower, if he married her with the Marriage License later after he divorced me. My mom had it going on. What she was telling me hadn’t crossed my mind before.

  She said, “Ana, as long as you’ve got the Marriage License, you’ve got the power.” She said, “Don’t ever relinquish it.” She wasn’t just being a mother, looking out for her child. My mom has lived longer than I have, and she has known and communicated with all types of people from all walks of life to know the ropes.

  I thought, and I remembered one day in particular, not very long ago, Alec asked me if I’d agree to get rid of my Marriage License and live marriage the Islamic way with just an Islamic contract. I didn’t have to think about it. My answer was a flat out no. He never broached the subject with me again. I suppose that he was just feeling me out.

  I am in my right mind. My intent is to never give up my Marriage License. It’s my marital contract and in Islam, contracts are to be honored. They are to be adhered to. Carolyn knew that I had a Marriage License when she agreed to marry my husband. It was not a secret that was kept away from her, so if she doesn’t like it now, shame on her. It’s just too bad. It’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

  I’m sure Alec must have been catching a lot of heat from Carolyn about how she doesn’t feel that she is a wife without having a Marriage License, or how I’m more of a wife than she is because I have one. Alec was probably thinking that if I don’t have a Marriage License, Carolyn would be happy. She and I would then be ‘even Stephen.’ Did he really think that I would go for the okie doke? Did he think that I was stupid and naïve? I know some people probably think it because I stay married to Alec, but I didn’t expect my husband to.

  Well, after speaking with my mom today, I questioned Alec that evening about it. I said, “Some time ago when you asked me if I’d agree to dissolve our Marriage License, did you intend for us to get rid of it so that Carolyn and I would be on an equal footing?” He, said, “Yes.” It was his intention. He said, “I figured we’d get back together later.” What would I do without my mom? I’ve got an awesome mom.

  My wali was opposed to me having a civil Marriage License from the onset. His stance on the issue was that equality among wives in polygamy can’t exist, if one wife has a Marriage License and the other one doesn’t. He said the laws that a Marriage License follows are not Islamic law. His view was that no one should have anything other than an Islamic marriage contract. I begged to differ, of course.

  My view is that a Marriage License is a contract and, as I said before, contracts are to be honored, according to Islam. Of course, I believe that if anything in the contract is in opposition to Islam, then Islamic laws and rules supersede anything that the Marriage License affords.

  Alec was forthright with me about what he gathered from Carolyn as to how she felt and thought about me having a Marriage License, and she doesn’t. He said that she was disturbed about not having one.

  I could see how she would feel that way. After all, she had been seeing Alec for years before he met and married me. Of course, she would think that the Marriage License should be hers. If you recall me saying earlier, when I first married Alec, he said Carolyn had asked him numerous times to marry her. He said he wasn’t ready for marriage after having recently divorced Asiya.

  After pondering the whole issue of divorce and weighing all my options, I’m grateful to God that I didn’t proceed with a divorce. Although I didn’t move forward with it, it made me feel good to know what my options were. I was armed with useful information and that brought with it a certain surety.

  I disliked Carolyn from the day that Alec said that he was intended to her. The dislike had now turned to hate. I know hate is a very strong word, but I had my reasons. I hated her because she said she doesn’t want to meet me or care about my existence. Oh, but I do exist whether she prefers that I do or not.

  She wasn’t joking about wanting to erase me either. She never reached out to me for anything, not to introduce herself, not to ask anything about Islam as a new revert Muslim. It was just an abyss of stillness from her side. It made me even more determined to hold onto my husband.

  Though I had never met Carolyn, I dissected her based on the information that I had received from Alec and what I had garnered from the investigation that I had conducted of her. I didn’t find her to be a likable person based on anything that Alec had said about her or what I found out about her on my own. She was a very shallow person. She lacked depth.

  I noticed and dwelt on all of Carolyn’s faults. Everything that I knew of her appeared to be negative to me. There was no good in her. She was lacking all the way around. I picked her apart in every possible way that I could from her looks to her job, her house, her reason for taking the Shahada, for not ‘covering’ (hijab). You name it; there was wrong in it. Simply put, I found no good in her.

  I looked for any and all reasons to dislike her. Nothing that she did, and she did nothing much in terms of relating to me, and nothing that I found out about her made her acceptable to me.

  I asked myself if I only disliked Carolyn as an individual or would I dislike any woman whom Alec would have married. Who knows? I know that I disliked Carolyn for one major reason, and that is because she married my husband. Because of it, I’m now living in a polygamous marriage.

  It has been ten months since Alec and Carolyn got married. One day, I went with him to his mom’s house again. We had let her know beforehand that we would be there. It took me quite some time to get ready to go. Alec usually is very patient when it comes to me preparing myself to go out with him. Today, he seemed a bit hurried, and I didn’t know why.

  When we arrived, he told his mom that we were late getting there because I was putting on my makeup. I’d always beautify myself before going out, and he had always been patient. Today was a rare exception. Now he made it seem that it was a waste of time for me to make myself prettier. It seemed that he now preferred ugly. He apparently no longer cared what I look like.

  “You should be glad that she cares about how she looks and wants to look nice,” Alec’s mom said.

  Alec said, “I don’t care about that.” He had said a mouthful. Based on how Carolyn looked, he was being truthful. Looking the way that she does, she needs to put on burka.

  Growing up there was a common saying that some men would do (have sex with) anything that wore a skirt. They didn’t care what she looked like. When it comes to sex, for some men, they’re just happy to get it. He only needs to put a paper bag over her head.

  While we were at his mom’s house, I asked Alec how Carolyn was handling polygamy. He said, “She’s like you. Some days she’s happy, and some days she’s depressed.” He said, “What bothers her most is that I don’t call her on the days that I’m with you.” According to Alec, she said,

  “Y
ou don’t even call to check on me?” and “How do you go so long without talking to me?”

  He said the reason he doesn’t call Carolyn when he is with me is because I get upset when he speaks with her in my presence. He said he can’t call her when we are together, and we hardly leave each other’s sides. Well, I hardly leave his side, so that I can keep tabs on him, therefore, he was right.

  This wasn’t a one-sided thing. He never called me whenever he was with Carolyn either. I wonder how she would like it, if he did. That woman was all about herself. It’s one thing that annoyed the crap out of me.

  I said, “Alec, if you want to speak with her when you are at home with me, then you should go to the store or go outside to do it.” I didn’t want him talking to her in my face. I wasn’t ready for him to converse with her in my presence.

  I devoted all my energy to chasing Alec, and gradually I was destroying myself. I turned all my attention to Alec and away from God. In retrospect, how could I be at peace and content when I was so busy remembering Alec that I couldn’t remember my Creator?

  My wali chastised me not once, but often about how I spoke of Carolyn, and about my hatred of her. He said, “If anything, you should dislike and be angry with Alec. He’s the one who married Carolyn.” He said, “He’s the one who brought her into your lives.”

  Ali didn’t stop there in talking about Alec. He said, “He wanted to marry her.” He said, “Alec didn’t have any compassion in his heart for you.” He said, “It was evident by the way he treated you right before he became polygamous.” “He wasn’t kind and understanding toward you,” my wali said.

  My wali went on to ask me what was wrong with Carolyn wanting a husband and all the nice things that come with it, such as financial help? Ali and his wife always reminded me that I am supposed to want for my brother (brothers-in-faith and sisters-in-faith) what I want for myself.

  My wali said, “You have no valid reason, whatsoever, to dislike Carolyn.” He said, “She hasn’t done anything to you.” He said, “If you disliked her because she dislikes God, it would be a good reason not to like her.” He said, “We are to hate what God hates and love what God loves. God hates wickedness, unbelief, and rebellion.” But I didn’t know what she believed.

  I then asked myself the question: Is Carolyn a sister-in-faith? What I know of her leads me to believe that she is not. So, I wasn’t sure if I should want anything for her at all. I don’t owe her anything other than to be just and fair with her. If she’s cordial to me, I should be cordial back. I admit that I have been wrong in that I’ve been the aggressor towards her. I will have to account to God for my bad behavior about it.

  My wali went on to say that if Alec used Islam to have a relationship outside of his and my marriage, then he will account to God for it. He doesn’t have to account to me.

  I had concerns of my own, as well, that I thought my wali could help me with, I said,

  “I’m not able to spend much time with Alec since he has married Carolyn.”

  “Alec wouldn’t have married Carolyn, if he wanted to be with you 24/7.” Ouch. It hurt. It was a really good reality check for me, though, and I needed it.

  Alec came home a number of times and said that Carolyn had accused him of showing me favoritism. She said that he puts me on a pedestal. It wasn’t just a one time occurrence. He said that she accused him of it often. Her specific words to him had been, “You show favoritism,” and “You put her on a pedestal.” I said, “Favoritism is okay in Islam.” He said that he told her that.

  I said, “Alec, you know it’s a well known fact that ‘Aisha’ (May God be pleased with her) was the favorite wife of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace and blessings of God be upon him) when he was polygamous, and his other wives knew it.” Alec concurred.

  I was pleased to hear about her complaint to Alec, and that she thinks he favors me. “But, what else should she think?” Maybe he showed favoritism when he married me instead of her years ago.

  Alec shares his time with Carolyn and me equally. I assume he does so with his wealth, as well. I don’t check his receipts, bank accounts or statements. I wondered if he was giving more money to her than to me. But all in all, in the spirit of fairness, he showed no glaring disregard for justice.

  Alec said, “Carolyn still asks me all the time and over and over again why I didn’t marry her years ago.” He said, “I keep telling her that it was because she wasn’t Muslim.” She said, “You didn’t ask me to become a Muslim back then.”

  Well, if he didn’t ask you to become a Muslim back then and didn’t ask you to marry him, well then, he apparently didn’t want to marry you. Hello, it’s not Rocket Science.

  It was apparent that she thought that she was inferior to me, and she didn’t like it, not one bit. I can’t be sure, but I suppose her bickering back and forth with him about it agitated him. Because one day we were dining out and during the dinner he said,

  “You are not primary.” He said it forcefully and firmly. I thought I’d better be firm and forceful, too. I said,

  “As long as I have a legal, binding Marriage License that is enforceable in a court of law, I most certainly am primary.” Yes, he asked for it, so I gave it to him.

  He must be frustrated by his issue with Carolyn and had enough. He must have wanted to put it to rest once and for all, but I didn’t want any part of it. I had my fill of her making demands that reflected negatively on my marriage with my husband. She can’t get blood from a stone. If she’s feeling inadequate, then she needs to divorce Alec because he sure enough isn’t thinking about divorcing me, based on my observation of him and of our marriage.

  It was quite obvious that Alec was thinking along certain lines, trying to accommodate Carolyn, therefore, I said,” If anything ever happened and you have to cut back on monetary allotments to Carolyn and me, you better cut her share. I made it perfectly clear to him that I was sick and tired of all the rigmarole.

  He said, “I would cut both of yours share.”

  “We’ll see what a Superior Court Judge in Family Court has to say about it,” I said without mincing words. He and Carolyn better hope that I don’t divorce him. Based on what the attorney had said to me, Alec and Carolyn would be up a creek without a paddle, if I divorce him. Let him discover that he’d have to give me all the money back that he had given Carolyn. Let him see what she and he would have left after it’s all said and done.

  I wasn’t about to continue to argue with him about something that hadn’t happened yet. As it stood, Alec was still being a very good, loving husband to me the majority of the time and he was still taking care of his financial responsibility to me. I had no major complaints along those lines.

  I just knew in my mind that I wasn’t about to be shortchanged, just because he wanted some extra booty. I’ll just deal with the matter when and if it happens.

  It’s now November 2002. As you already know, Alec travels a lot for business. He usually goes with a colleague or two and they take their wives along periodically. His colleagues had said that on this trip to California next week, they were going to take their wives.

  Alec came home and said, “Pack your bags, sweetie, we’re going to California on Wednesday. I have important meetings to attend there on Thursday and Friday. We can hang out in the evenings, as well as all day on Saturday.” He said, “We’ll come home on Sunday.”

  I was in my glory. I love traveling even if it just locally to stay in a five-star hotel with room service and Alec. It’s always been a special time for me, just chilling out and taking it easy away from the everyday, monotonous routine.

  What would a little mini vacation be like without contacting my good ole friend Carolyn. How ironic. I was feeling a little bit devilish right about now. I get great pleasure out of trying to instigate and annoy her. I need to get a rise out of her every now and again just to see if she’s still alive and ticking. I never hear from her, so I have to check in. I know she still exists because my marriage schedule won’t all
ow me to forget it.

  On Tuesday, I called and I left a voice mail message for Carolyn to let her know that I was going away with Alec on a business trip, and mistresses can’t go. I said, “You could call us anytime, if you get lonely.” Of course, I didn’t really mean it. She hadn’t been calling me; so certainly I didn’t expect her to begin something new now.

  When we got to the airport on Wednesday, I excused myself to use the restroom, at which time I called Carolyn again. I left a voice mail message for her saying that Alec and I were at the airport and not to forget that she could call, if she gets lonely. I was having myself some silly, ignorant off the chart fun at her expense.

  Well, lo and behold, when Alec and I got to California and were in the hotel room that evening, who calls my phone, but Carolyn. I was stunned. Yes, I said for her to call, if she gets lonely, but, of course, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t in a million years expect that pop-tart to call me.

  I handed the phone to Alec and said, “It’s Carolyn.” He took the phone and angrily said, “Why are you calling? He then said, “I can’t do that.” The only thing that came to my mind was that she was telling him not to have sex with me. What else would he say that he couldn’t do. He continued to say, “No, no, I can’t promise you that. I can’t do that.”

  He eventually ended the call and then she text messaged me. I took my cell phone into the bathroom to talk with her by way of text. In the text she said,

  “Maybe one day you’ll learn how to boil water.” Here we were again with the same old song and dance. I don’t cook. Big whip. Only Alec would have told her about it. It’s not that I can’t cook. It’s that I don’t like to cook. I don’t want to cook. I have no reason to cook because my husband cooks, so I don’t have to.

  She said, “I’m going to make Alec think of me the whole time that he’s with you.”

  She further said, “Alec and I have a bond.” “You probably do it in the missionary position.” “You don’t know when Alec and I started having sex together again,” she said.