Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  ‘What’s with all the damn questions? My mum lives in Sydney with my cocksucker stepfather. Maybe he’s related to your old man.’

  ‘Maybe.’ I chuckle. I’m a private person too, so I can understand his hostility.

  He picks up his beer. ‘I moved up here to get away from the kid next door.’

  ‘To your apartment?’

  ‘No. She lived next door to my mum and the fuckwit.’

  ‘So you let a kid drive you away. Pussy.’

  ‘Technically, she isn’t a kid. Far from it.’ He sighs, and I can tell by the look on his face that he’s thinking of her, and not in a friendly way either, if you catch my drift. ‘She’s short, so I used to call her “kid” to annoy her.’

  ‘Was she a stalker?’

  ‘No.’ He laughs. ‘She was a pain in my arse, but pretty cool. I moved up here to put some distance between us.’

  ‘Ah. So you’re in love with her, and you’re running away from your feelings instead of facing them.’ I only know that because that’s exactly what I did with Candice.

  ‘Hardly,’ he scoffs. ‘I don’t do love.’

  I’ve said the same thing a thousand times, so I know he’s lying. His words say one thing, but his body language says something entirely different.

  ‘Right. Keep telling yourself that.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘You love her.’

  ‘Fuck off.’

  He exhales a deflated breath before going quiet. I know I’m right. He starts to pick at the label of his beer bottle before his eyes finally meet mine.

  ‘So what if I do?’

  See, I was right. He’s full of shit. The more I get to know him, the reasons I was so drawn to him in the beginning become clearer. We’re so alike it’s uncanny.

  He goes quiet again, so I decide to cut him some slack. ‘You know how we talked about one day possibly going into business together, by starting our own franchise?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Well, I think I have our first shop, if you’re still interested.’

  He nods. ‘Tell me more.’

  ‘Remember how I told you about my first part-time job? The one I got when I moved to Sydney? Working at that parlour in Surry Hills on weekends.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I kept in contact with my old boss, and he wants to get out of the game. He’s buying a boat and moving to Queensland. It’s an established business in a prime location. We were always flat-out when I worked there. When I told him I was possibly interested in taking over, he let me go over the books. It’s a fucking winner—he does really well. A few of his artists are interested in sticking around and we can find someone we trust to run it.’

  ‘How much is he asking for it?’

  ‘Believe it or not, the market value of the building and the price of the shop fittings.’

  ‘That’s it?’ he asks. ‘What about his clientele? That’s gotta be worth a bit.’

  ‘He’s looking for a quick sale, and like I said, he’s a friend of mine. That’s all he’s asking for, but we need to give him an answer soon. I’ve already talked to the bank. With the equity in my shop alone, I can get a loan no problems. I’m sure you’d be in the same boat. We’d be able to make the repayments—it pulls in some big bucks.’

  ‘Fuck, yeah. I’m keen. Let’s do it.’

  We bump fists. ‘Awesome. I’ll call him in the morning and we can get the ball rolling.’

  Looks like Carter and I are going into business together.

  I have a really good feeling about this.

  ••••

  I have to leave work early on Monday so I can pick up Maddie from school because Sophia has a modelling job this afternoon. She does a lot of catalogue work for the department stores. Maddie still stays with me on Tuesdays, even though most of her time is spent at school. I’ve come to resent the fact that I have to give her back when our time together is over. I want her with me always.

  I called in briefly to see her on Sunday night on my way home from Carter’s. But for some reason, the moment I saw her, I became racked with guilt. Carter’s words kept circling in my mind: I’m a bastard, an illegitimate child. I could tell he was burdened by this label, and it made me wonder if Maddie would ever feel that way about herself. Christ, I hope not.

  I can feel a few of the mothers’ eyes on me as I wait outside Maddie’s classroom, but I try to ignore them. I’m not going there. No fucking way.

  ‘Daddy!’ Maddie squeals as she exits the classroom.

  ‘Hey, Peanut,’ I say, giving her a hug. I always feel like my time with her is so limited. When I let her go, she puts her school bag on the ground, opening the zipper.

  ‘I made you something today.’

  ‘You did?’ I’m grinning like a fool as I wait for her to retrieve it out of her bag.

  ‘It’s a painting. Of you, me and Mummy.’

  ‘I love it,’ I tell her as my eyes skim over the stick figures. Our heads are fucking huge. The one in the black cap must be me, and she’s painted pink hair on Candice. The small figure standing between us is obviously Maddie. Our hands are linked. She seems well adjusted with our situation, but again I wonder if she really is.

  We stop for vanilla ice cream and sprinkles on the way home. It’s become our after-school ritual.

  The first thing I do when we get back to my place is check the letterbox. I always check it, but not as religiously as I have been the past week. I sling Maddie’s school bag over my shoulder as I sift through the pile of envelopes in my hand. Bill, bill—and then I freeze. I recognise the handwriting straightaway—it’s my mother’s. Well, fuck me, she actually replied. Why does that make me smile?

  ‘Daddy, hurry. Unlock the front door,’ Maddie yells. ‘I need to pee.’

  I look up and find her bouncing up and down by the front door with her legs crossed. Jogging over, I quickly unlock the door and she runs down the hallway to the bathroom.

  ‘Don’t forget to wash your hands when you’re done,’ I call out as I head into the kitchen.

  ‘Yes, Daddy.’

  I place the mail and Maddie’s school bag on the breakfast bar. The moment my eyes land on the letter again, the smile drops from my face. Maddie’s little emergency had distracted me. I stare down at the envelope for the longest time. It’s funny how I’ve been hoping for a reply, but now it’s here, I’m not sure if I want to open it.

  I take the coward’s way out, picking the letter up and shoving it into my back pocket. I go about unpacking Maddie’s bag, taking the painting she made and sticking it proudly to the fridge with a magnet.

  When I hear the television turn on in the lounge room, I pour Maddie a glass of milk and place a few Oreo cookies on a plate. Dinner won’t be for a few hours, and she’s always hungry when she gets home from school.

  ••••

  I rinse the last of the shampoo out of Maddie’s hair as she sits in the bath. ‘Are you ready to get out, or do you want to play with your bath toys for a while?’

  ‘Play,’ she says, looking up at me with a smile, as she squeezes a small amount of shampoo on her doll’s hair

  ‘Ten minutes, okay? Any longer and the water will be cold.’

  As I head into her bedroom to get her pyjamas out of the drawer, my mind drifts back to the letter. I feel like it’s burning a hole in my pocket. I’ve managed to avoid opening it for the past few hours but I suddenly can’t put it off any longer.

  My hands tremble slightly as I sit down on Maddie’s bed next to her pyjamas and pull the envelope out. Again I stare at it. This is my family we’re talking about. This letter is liable to contain anything. I take a deep breath as I tear it open and unfold the piece of paper inside.

  Dear Jaxson,

  I hope this letter finds you well. You’re right, it has been years since you’ve made contact. I’m surprised you even bothered after all this time.

  I wasn’t completely shocked to hear you have a child, or th
at you chose to pursue such a menial and degrading profession. Your father and I spent a fortune on your education, and this is how you repay us. As usual you have little or no concern for this family or our reputation. At least your brother doesn’t continually disappoint us. Where did we go wrong with you?

  I haven’t enlightened your father or brother about your news. I’d appreciate it if this dirty little secret is kept between us. If this was to become public knowledge, it could severely damage our good name. An illegitimate child, Jaxson—really? When are you going to grow up? Your poor brother and his lovely wife, Jennifer, are struggling to conceive, and here you are popping out babies to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Do you have no self-respect?

  Your daughter however, is very cute. I can see some of my mother in her, God rest her soul. But I’m afraid under the circumstances, any formal introduction will not be possible. Please tell her I said hello though.

  Sincerely,

  Your mother

  I screw the letter up, trying to swallow the golf ball-sized lump in my throat. Dirty little secret. How dare she refer to my daughter like that. I take a deep breath, trying to control the rage that bubbles up inside me.

  The only positive thing in that letter was the mention of the similarities between my grandmother and Maddie. I adored that woman. She’d love my daughter if she was alive, I know it.

  A dull ache settles in my chest as I go over her words in my mind. Tell her I said hello. Is she fucking kidding me? I will never tell Maddie about her. It’s my job as a father to protect her. There’s no way I’d ever tell my precious daughter that her own flesh and blood want nothing to do with her. Like my mother said in the letter, I shouldn’t have even bothered.

  I suddenly have a whole new understanding of Carter’s situation. I felt for him when he spoke about his childhood, but even more so now. My daughter will hopefully never know such rejection. Not if I have any say in it. Going by my experiences with my family, Maddie’s better off without them in her life anyway. But even that doesn’t seem to lessen the sting of my mother’s rejection. It hurts way more than all the other times. She’s just an innocent child. But she’s part of me, so why would they want anything to do with her? I guess I’m not surprised they aren’t even giving her a chance.

  ‘I’m ready to get out of the bath, Daddy,’ Maddie calls out.

  ‘Coming.’ I take a deep breath as I stand, shoving the screwed-up letter into my back pocket. I need a minute to pull myself together. Maddie can never know about this.

  Grabbing a clean towel from the linen cupboard, I head into the bathroom. I hold the towel open for her when she stands, wrapping it around her as I lift her out of the bath.

  After I help her into her pyjamas, I kneel in front of her so I can run a brush through her hair. She gives me a serious look, like she’s studying me. I smile when she lifts her hand, placing it softly on my cheek.

  ‘Are you okay, Daddy? You look sad.’

  ‘Sad? Why would I be sad? I have my little girl here, and in a few more days, I’ll have you for the entire weekend.’ When I tickle her, she laughs and squirms in my hands. I love the sweet sound of her laughter. ‘Don’t you know how happy I am when you’re with me?’

  She wraps her arms around my neck, placing a kiss on my cheek. ‘I love you, Daddy.’

  Holding her against me, I clench my eyes shut to stop the tears. She’s all I’ll ever need. ‘I love you too, Peanut. So much.’

  When her hold on me tightens, I get the feeling she can see straight through my lies. She’s smarter than I give her credit for. My heart is breaking for her, and she has no idea why. My family may not want her, but I can tell you one thing, she’ll always have me. Always.

  ‘I wish you could live with me and Mummy all the time. I miss you when I’m at Nanny’s house.’

  I chuckle. Sophia thought being called ‘Mum’ made her feel old, so I can only imagine how the new ‘Nanny’ label is making her feel.

  ‘I miss you too. Always. I count down the days until you’re here again.’

  ‘Shelby’s mum and dad live in the same house.’ She draws back and makes eye contact with me again. ‘They even sleep in the same bed.’ Her eyes widen when she says the last part, like it’s a huge scandal. It makes me smile.

  ‘Who’s Shelby?’

  ‘My friend, silly. She’s in my class.’

  ‘Oh, her.’ I have no clue who Shelby is.

  ‘Nanny said when her and Poppy get married, they’re going to live together. You should marry Mummy, then we can all live together too.’ She gives me a serious look, like it’s something I should really consider.

  Fuck! Where the hell did that come from?

  CANDICE

  I’VE BEEN WORKING AT THIS JOB FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW. It’s the seventh one I’ve had in the last three years, but I’ve finally found one where I feel almost comfortable. It’s a far cry from the glory days of working with Jax at Wicked Ink, but it’s a job nevertheless. I really miss working there. After trying my hand at a few different professions, I decided to go back into the beauty industry. It’s never been my career of choice, but it’s what I know. Sophia spent a small fortune when she sent me to the most reputable beauty school in Sydney, and it would be a shame to waste it. At least my new boss, Naomi, is lovely, not like the cow I used to work for.

  ‘Morning,’ Naomi says when I push through the front door of the salon. She’s in her early fifties and bought this place six years ago when her husband left her for someone younger. She needed to work to help provide for her two daughters.

  ‘Morning,’ I reply, with a smile, as I walk past her to stow my handbag in the back room.

  ‘How was your weekend?’ she asks, when I return to reception.

  ‘Lonely,’ I say with a shrug. ‘It was Jax’s turn to have Maddie, and my mum spent the weekend with her fiancé.’

  Sophia and Brendan’s relationship is coming along in leaps and bounds. It’s nice to see her so happy, she deserves it. Brendan is the perfect man for my mum. He loves her just as much as she loves him. He’s fantastic with me and Maddie as well, and we adore him.

  Sophia has been on my case for months about finding a boyfriend, or at the very least a friend to spend my free time with. I did join a dating site briefly. What a nightmare that turned out to be. The first guy wasn’t too bad—he was cute and seemed nice enough. But ten minutes into our date he reached across the table to grope one of my tits while he whispered, ‘I can’t wait to titty fuck you later.’ I calmly picked up my glass of water and threw its contents in his face. I vaguely remember hearing a few gasps from the other diners in the restaurant before I stood and left without a word.

  The second guy, well, that was an entirely different story. He was easily sixty in the shade, even though he claimed to be only twenty-eight on his online profile. The moment I saw him waiting in our designated meeting spot, holding a flower that looked half dead—like him—I turned around and hightailed it out of there. When I got home, I permanently deactivated my account and made a mental note not to listen to any more of my mother’s suggestions.

  To be honest, I’m not ready for a boyfriend anyway. Not when my heart still belongs to Jax. It wouldn’t be fair to jump into a relationship with someone else if my heart wasn’t completely in it.

  ‘Aw, sweetie,’ Naomi says, running her hand down my arm. ‘You should’ve called. We could’ve done lunch, or a movie.’ Naomi doesn’t know the ins and outs of my situation, just that Maddie’s father and I aren’t together.

  I laugh. ‘I’m sure you have better things to do than hang around with me.’

  ‘Not really. Kylie has just taken up a second job on the weekends. She’s saving for her European holiday. And Amanda is busy making all her wedding plans. I would’ve enjoyed your company, so next time call. Okay?’

  ‘All right. I will. Thank you.’

  ‘Good girl.’

  When she opens the cash drawer and starts counting out the day’s float, I pick up
the appointment book to go over my client list. I silently groan when I see Joseph Pentecost’s name down as my last appointment. Just thinking about him makes all the hairs on my neck stand on end. He is a major creep. He’s one of those types who think they’re God’s gift to women, but let me tell you, he’s not. He has a nice body, and he’s not what you’d call ugly, but he has shifty little eyes, and the way he flirts and stares at me gives me the heebie-jeebies. His mere presence makes your vagina dry up, your womb retract and your clit hide for its own safety. No kidding.

  He’s a self-confessed gym junky and he never stops talking about himself or his damn physique. I have the misfortune of seeing him once a month—he comes in regularly to get his arms, legs, chest and back waxed. He has a disgustingly hairy back. I presume he waxes his body so he can oil himself up and admire his muscles in the mirror. Puke.

  My eyes move over to Naomi’s schedule. I see only two appointments for later today, so her afternoon is pretty much free. My first instinct is to fake another illness and go home early, but I can’t do that again. Plus, Naomi let me leave early last week when Maddie hit her head at school. I contemplate asking her to take Joseph’s appointment for me, but I can’t do that either. He always insists on me being the one to do it anyway. One day I actually went home, pretending to be sick, only because he was coming in later that day. To my displeasure, he rescheduled his appointment for when I was back.

  One hour tops, I remind myself. I can suffer through it, just like I always do.

  Putting the diary back down on the front counter, I head into my cubicle to turn on the wax pot and get prepped for the day. When I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, I pull it out. Naomi lets me keep my phone on me while I work, as long as it’s on silent. When I see Jax’s name on the screen, I’m instantly smiling. He rarely messages me these days. I miss his friendship so much.

  Jax: Hey. Are you free for lunch? I need to talk to you about something.