Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  It would have to be something about Maddie—she’s all we ever talk about. He never mentions the tattoo parlour, or asks me about my job or my life outside of being the mother to his daughter. I hate that he no longer has any interest in me or what I do.

  Me: Sure. My break’s at one. Is everything okay?

  Jax: One’s perfect. Everything is fine. I just want to talk to you about something Maddie said. I’ll pick you up out the front.

  Way to leave me hanging.

  Me: What? No hint?

  Jax: Nope. See you at one.

  I growl when he sends me a smiley emoji. I’m tempted to send him the middle finger emoji in reply, but I don’t.

  My mind is on our lunch date all morning. I’m excited to see him, even though I’m concerned about what he has to say. By 12.55 pm, I have butterflies in my stomach. I spend the next few minutes fixing my hair and makeup. I know it’s not a real date, but I still want to look nice for him. I long for him to look at me the way he used to.

  I pop my head into Naomi’s cubicle before I leave. ‘I’ll be back by two.’

  ‘Okay, sweetie.’

  There’s definitely a bounce in my step as I emerge onto the footpath. Jax has been distant from me for months, ever since our almost kiss on Maddie’s birthday. That night I finally realised we were definitely over, but here I am again, hoping that this lunch will lead to something more. There’s nothing wrong with carrying a little hope around in your heart. It’s all I have, and none of us know what lies around the corner.

  ‘Hey,’ he says when I open the passenger door and climb in. He gives me a genuine smile when my eyes meet his. It’s been a while since he’s graced me with one of them. It takes my breath away when he smiles at me like that.

  ‘Hey. How’s the parlour going?’ I ask, as he pulls away from the kerb.

  ‘Good.’

  I smile, even though I hate the one-word answers he gives me.

  ‘That’s good. Is Gus still working there?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Can you tell him I said hello?’

  ‘I will.’

  Wow, I got two words that time. Lucky me.

  ‘I miss working there.’

  He glances at me briefly, before focusing on the road again.

  Right. Okay then. The old Jax would’ve said, ‘You’re welcome to come to the shop whenever you want.’ It hurts that he doesn’t want me there anymore. I gaze out the window. My hope is fading fast.

  ‘Where are we going for lunch?’

  ‘Just somewhere local. I got Ana to make reservations for us.’

  ‘Ana?’ Please don’t tell me that’s his girlfriend. Maddie has never mentioned her.

  ‘My receptionist.’

  ‘Oh.’ The person who stole my job.

  We’re quiet for the rest of the drive. I have so many questions I want to ask him. I hate that he’s become virtually a stranger to me.

  My eyes scan the small but elegant restaurant when we enter. Ana did well, I’ll thank her if I ever get to meet her. I’ll be telling her to give me my damn job back while I’m at it.

  ‘So, are you going to tell me what this is about? I think we both know that it’s not because you wanted to see me.’ I don’t mean to sound so cold, but his lack of enthusiasm when he’s around me hurts.

  ‘Can we order first? You’ve gotta be back by two, right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I pick up the menu and pretend to read over it. I’ve suddenly lost my appetite. When the waitress comes over to take our order, I order the same as him. I’m only going to pick at it anyway.

  ‘Does Maddie ever say anything to you about our situation?’ he asks the moment the waitress walks away.

  ‘What do you mean by “our situation”? The fact that you hate me?’

  ‘I don’t hate you,’ he says, his brow furrowing.

  ‘Well, you don’t like me.’

  ‘Of course I like you. Why would you think I don’t?’

  ‘I’m not blind, Jax. I have eyes.’

  ‘Really?’ he says, sarcastically. ‘I didn’t notice.’

  ‘What we were and what we are now are miles apart. You’re always so … distant.’

  ‘It’s called self-preservation, Candice.’

  ‘Oh, you find it hard to survive when you’re around me? Wow. Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better.’

  ‘No, smartarse.’ He looks at the table briefly, then back to me. ‘I find it hard not to feel when I’m around you.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Look, do we really need to have this conversation right now?’ He removes his baseball cap and runs his hand through his hair. He always does that when he’s nervous or uneasy. I can read him like a book.

  ‘Yeah, we do,’ I say, crossing my arms over my chest. I get annoyed when his gaze darts straight to my tits. I should lean across the table and rub them in his face, so he can get a better look. ‘My eyes are up here, Albright.’

  ‘Right.’ He chuckles, moving his eyes back to my face. ‘What do you want me to say, Candice? That I avoid being around you because I still have feelings for you?’

  A tiny piece of hope returns. ‘Yes, if that’s how you feel.’

  ‘I’m not a robot. You were my life. I can’t just turn my feelings off like a tap.’

  ‘So you still have feelings for me?’ I ask, sitting up straight in my seat.

  ‘Can we change the subject? This is not why I brought you here.’

  I deflate the instant he says that. He’s going to fight this thing between us with everything he has.

  ‘I’m worried about Maddie.’

  He has my undivided attention now. ‘What? Why?’

  ‘Something Carter said got me thinking. About him being a bastard … you know, illegitimate—like our daughter. I don’t want her to ever feel burdened by a label like that.’

  ‘She won’t,’ I say, placing my hand on top of his.

  ‘Has she said anything to you about mums and dads living together?’

  ‘No, why? Has she said something to you?’

  ‘Yes. She told me last week that you and I should get married, so we can live together.’

  I clear my throat, and do an inner fist pump. That’s my girl. I try hard to suppress my smile. ‘Did she?’

  ‘She was deadly serious. I didn’t know what to tell her.’

  ‘Well maybe we should just get married then.’ I shrug like it’s no big deal. I know I’m being brazen, but he just admitted, in a roundabout way, that he still has feelings for me. That was the green light I needed. Hello, glimmer of hope. If he’s not going to fight for us, then I sure as hell am. Game on, Mr Albright.

  ‘Christ, not you too.’

  ‘Why not?’ It’s time to pull out the big guns. I should’ve told him years ago exactly how I feel. If this is the only chance I’m ever going to get, I’m taking it. ‘I think I’ve been in love with you from the moment you bombed your stupid brother and his idiot mates, and drenched me.’

  His eyes widen at my confession, but he remains silent.

  I reach for his hand again, and when he tries to pull away, I hold tight. ‘I was in love with you the night we made Maddie. I was in love with you when you came back into my life a few years later. And I’m still in love with you now, Jax. I’ve never stopped … I’m not sure I ever will. I know you’re still upset with me about the whole Maddie incident. I get that. But please believe me when I say I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. For her, for you, for all of us.’

  He opens his mouth to say something, and then closes it again.

  ‘Say something, Jax. Anything.’ Please say you love me too.

  When he goes to speak again, the stupid waitress approaches the table and places our food in front us.

  When he stares down at the food in front of him, I release his hand. I get the message loud and clear. As if things between us aren’t already awkward enough. I may be feeling humiliated right now, but I
have no regrets about finally telling him exactly how I feel. It’s been a long time coming.

  ••••

  Jax didn’t say another word to me over lunch. We ate, we left, and he dropped me back here. The silence was deafening. I was on the verge of tears when I stepped out of the car, but I sucked it up. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. Stupid jerk.

  My crappy afternoon gets even crappier when creepy Joseph arrives for his waxing.

  ‘Hey gorgeous,’ he says when I walk into my cubical where he’s waiting. He removes his shirt and flexes his muscles before lying on the bed. He’s such a tool. Doesn’t he realise how pathetic he looks when he does that?

  ‘Hi,’ I reply dryly, turning my back on him to stir the wax in the pot. The quicker I get this done, the quicker he can leave.

  Once I’ve laid out the fabric strips on my work tray, I turn to face him again. When I find his eyes firmly fixed on my arse, I get chills up my spine. I’d like nothing more than to pour the entire pot of hot wax over his face and wax those beady little eyes right out of their sockets. ‘The usual?’ I ask with disdain.

  ‘Mmm,’ he says as his eyes move down the length of my body. ‘I don’t know, I might require some extra pampering today. What’s on offer?’

  He says shit like this all the time—his lame attempt at flirting. Dream on, buddy. I wouldn’t touch him if he was the last man on earth.

  ‘Well, we have a special on castrations today. Interested?’ I have to suppress my smile when he squirms on the table. Hopefully now he’ll get the message and shut the fuck up. I’m in no mood for his creepy shit.

  ‘Someone’s wearing their bitch suit today.’

  I bite my tongue and let him have that one. He’s a client, and I need to remember that. If he calls me a bitch again though, he’s gonna have a lap full of hot wax.

  His death grip on the side of the bed tightens with every strip I pull from his body. I smirk to myself when I look up at his face and see his eyes clenched shut, a tear running down the side of his face. Pussy. Call me spiteful, but I’m savouring the thought of making him hurt. Usually I feel bad about causing my clients pain.

  ‘I’m not hurting you, am I?’ I ask in the sweetest voice I can muster.

  ‘Nope,’ he replies in a voice that is so high-pitched, it’s almost a squeak.

  I bite my lip in an attempt to hold back my laugh. Liar.

  I stop what I’m doing when Naomi pops her head around the privacy curtain. ‘I’m done for the day. Would you mind closing up when you’re done? Amanda has her first fitting for her wedding dress tonight. I’d really love to be there.’

  My first instinct is to scream, ‘No! Please don’t leave me alone with this twat-waffle,’ but I can’t say that. This is her daughter; she should be there. I’d want to be there if it was Maddie.

  ‘Sure,’ I say, with a sigh. I don’t feel comfortable being left alone with this douche.

  ‘Thanks, sweetie.’

  ‘Make sure you take a pic for me. I’d love to see the dress.’

  ‘Of course. I can’t believe in a few short months my little girl will be getting married.’ She blows me a kiss before disappearing behind the curtain.

  ‘So it’s just you and me now, babe,’ Joseph says with a wink.

  ‘Don’t get any ideas,’ I grumble.

  ‘You can deny it all you want, but you know you want me. I see you checking out this fine specimen of a body. Get in line, sweetheart.’

  I can’t help but laugh at his comment. He’s so full of himself. ‘The line of women running away you mean?’

  ‘Very funny,’ he spits. ‘No. The line of women who want a piece of this.’ He grabs hold of his crotch, and it makes me shudder. ‘See. You’re trembling with need.’

  ‘Repulsion more like it.’

  ‘If I got the python out, you’d be all over it.’

  Python? I highly doubt it. Worm maybe.

  ‘Yeah. With a razor. Keep that thing in your pants.’ I give him a look that tells him I’m not joking, but being the cocky shit he is, he slips his thumb into the waistband of his workout shorts, pulling them down slightly. ‘I’m warning you.’

  ‘You’re sexy when you’re feisty. You turn me on.’ He pulls his shorts down further, until his teeny-tiny half-erect penis is fully on show.

  I swear I throw up in my mouth as I quickly turn my head in the other direction. ‘You’ve got two seconds to put that thing away, or I won’t be held responsible for what I do.’

  ‘Loosen up, babe,’ he says, reaching out to grope one of my tits.

  I jump back, slapping his hand away at the same time. ‘Get out!’ I scream, pointing to the curtain.

  ‘Stop being such a bitch,’ he spits, sitting up. My eyes dart to his waist, where his now fully erect penis is still exposed. It turns my stomach.

  ‘Take your stuff and get out. You’re no longer welcome here.’ I pick up his T-shirt from the chair and toss it at him.

  His hand comes out of nowhere, grabbing a chunk of my hair. I thrash around as he roughly drags me towards him, putting up a good fight. But no matter how hard I try, I’m no match for his strength.

  ‘I should just fuck you. Show you what a real man feels like.’

  ‘Just try it,’ I challenge. He’s twice the size of me, but I refuse to back down.

  ‘My cock is too good for you anyway. Stuck-up bitch.’ His hand is still gripping my hair as he pushes my head down towards his waist. He doesn’t say another word, but I know exactly what he’s trying to do.

  I clench my eyes shut when his pathetic excuse for a penis comes into my line of sight. ‘If you had a dick, this is where you’d tell me to suck it, right?’

  He reefs my head back, making me stumble. The murderous look in his eyes makes my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. My mind instantly goes into survival mode when he raises his arm and backhands me across the face. This time when I stumble backwards my work tray digs hard into my lower back, causing me to groan from the pain. I reach for the small cupboard by the wall to stop myself from falling.

  When I regain my footing, I stand tall, wiping the back of my hand over my bottom lip. I already know it’s bleeding, because of the metallic taste in my mouth. I square my shoulders and take a step towards him. I may not be as strong as him, but what he fails to realise is my hands are lethal.

  He’s messed with the wrong chick.

  JAX

  BY FOUR PM I DECIDE TO CALL IT A DAY. MY MIND ISN’T ON the game anyway. All I can think about is Candice, and what she confessed over lunch. I’m gonna fuck up someone’s tatt if I stay. ‘Can you cancel my last two appointments?’ I ask Ana, when I walk out into the reception area. ‘I’m going home.’

  Candice has loved me just as long as I’ve loved her. How could I not know that?

  ‘Are you okay?’ Ana asks as I remove my cap and run my fingers through my hair.

  ‘I will be,’ I reply, giving her a half-hearted smile. ‘See if you can move them to tomorrow.’

  ‘But tomorrow is your day off.’

  ‘That’s fine. I don’t have any plans, so I can come in.’ Maddie’s at school during the day anyway.

  ‘Okay. I’ll organise them now and text you with the details.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I push through the front door and into the street. I need some fucking air. No, I need a damn cigarette. I have a packet stashed in my car for just such an occasion.

  I rub my hand across my chest in an attempt to relieve the dull ache that’s settled there. I’m not sure if it’s indigestion or Candice. My guess is Candice. I’m angry that we’ve both fought these feelings for so long. Look where it’s got us … fucking nowhere.

  I’ve waited my entire adult life to hear her say those words, but now that she has, I’m so torn. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way about her, but she lied to me and tore my fucking heart out. How can I get past that? Then there’s that million-dollar question: Am I capable of spending the rest of my
life loving her from afar? I doubt it. Trying to act like I don’t care is tearing me apart.

  The moment I get home, I head straight for my car to grab a smoke out of the glove compartment. I take a long drag as I flip open the lid on my letterbox. I no longer have to worry about my family contacting me, I’m going to treat them as they treat me—like they don’t exist. It’s the only way. They’re dead to me.

  I pick up the hand-addressed envelope inside. I don’t recognise the writing. Flipping it over, I smile. It’s a letter from Brian, all the way from Western Australia. We spoke at length on the phone after Candice returned, but I haven’t heard from him since.

  I go into the kitchen and grab a bottle of Jack out of the cupboard and a shot glass. My titty cup, the one Candice bought me. Maybe not the best cup for this situation. Placing them on the breakfast bar, I pick up Brian’s letter and open it. I could use a pick-me-up.

  Hello my dear friend,

  I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write. James bought me a mobile phone not long after I moved here, so we could keep in touch, but I’ve yet to master how to use the darn thing.

  Life for me is good. I’ve been busy helping Alana with Aiden and the baby, while James works long hours at his job. Being a full-time grandfather is exhausting, but I love it. It keeps me young.

  I have you, and only you, to thank for that. Your kindness and compassion to an old man has changed my life. I’m not sure where I’d be now if you hadn’t taken me in and helped me reconnect with my family. Don’t ever let anyone change who you are, son. You’re an honourable young man, Jax, and I’m blessed to have someone of your stature in my life.

  My granddaughter, May, was born six months ago. Yes, they named their daughter after my sweet May. God rest her soul. Little May has her grandmother’s eyes and sweet nature. I’m not ashamed to admit that I worship the ground she walks on. It’s like having a piece of my wife back …

  I stop reading when my phone rings. Placing the letter on the breakfast bar, I pull my phone out of my pocket. I see Sophia’s name on the screen and my first thought is for Maddie.