My Winter

by Nikki Young

  “Leah, I really don’t want to rehash all your faults right now. I have to be at John’s house for poker in ten minutes. We’ll talk tonight when I get home.” I can hear the annoyance in his tone and obviously nothing has gotten through to him.

  “I won’t be here when you get home,” I reply, but it comes out in a shout. I’m finding it hard to control my anger especially when he doesn’t see the severity of the situation.

  “Where will you be? You going out,” he pauses, “dressed like that?” He wrinkles his nose and shakes his head.

  I roll my eyes. I want to scream at him, tell him to pull his head out of his ass because his fiancé is walking out the door, possibly for good. “I’m moving out.” I widen my eyes at him as the words fall from my mouth, so hurtful and true.

  “No you’re not,” he responds harshly. “We haven’t discussed anything. I don’t know where you think you’re going to find a place to live on such short notice.” He pulls his hand through his hair and lets out an exasperated sigh.

  “I’m moving in with Cari.” I know this will piss him off, but I’m not staying here and there’s not a chance I can find a permanent place to live on a weekend, especially in this city. I don’t even know if I want permanent. It’s possible I might leave and return tomorrow with an entirely different view. Doubtful, considering right now I want to punch him.

  “You’re moving in with Cari?” His voice dripping with disgust. “Can you just stay here tonight, so we can talk about this when I get home?”

  “No, Ellis, I can’t!” I snap back. “You made your choice.” My tone turns condescendingly mocking and I know this will only drive him further away. “You have poker tonight. It’s more important than whatever we have, obviously.”

  “Do you want me to stay?” he asks quietly.

  “No. I don’t want to have to ask you to stay. Don’t you see, I shouldn’t have to ask.”

  I storm past him and pull my suitcase from the hall closet. As I drag the suitcase through the doorway to the bedroom, Ellis slams the front door. Before I can even open the closet, the tears begin to fall. He won’t fight for me and that should be all I need to know.

  I call Cari to let her know I’m coming. I pack what I can fit in my suitcase and I’ll come back later for the rest of my stuff. As I look around our lavish condo, I shake my head. “What am I doing here?” I whisper to myself. I’ve never belonged here. I grew up on the South Side of Chicago, in Mount Greenwood. Even after my father died, we were still middle class. I don’t want to be wealthy, I don’t want the customary bullshit that comes along with it and I definitely don’t want to raise children in this lifestyle.

  Cari’s apartment is in the West Loop and I know the thought of me living here would make Ellis cringe. According to him, Cari lives in the ghetto. He grew up in Winnetka; anything south of Evanston is the ghetto. I park in her extra spot and I remind myself to thank her for renting two, extremely expensive underground parking spots or else I would be driving around aimlessly.

  As soon as I enter her apartment, she pulls me into her arms. She can see I’ve been crying. Jimmy walks over and gives me a quick kiss on the top of my head as he takes my suitcase from me.

  “You okay?” she asks.

  Through a few sniffles, I answer her with what I can only hope is the truth. “I’ll be fine. I just need some time to figure this out.”

  “Whatever you need, I’m here. Whether you stay with Ellis or not, it doesn’t matter. I just want you to be happy.”

  “Thanks, Cari.” I lean into her a little more as she turns her body and wraps her arm around my shoulders. “He went to play poker,” I whisper almost embarrassed by his behavior and the tears start again. Why am I suddenly not okay with this? He’s been this way since the day we met, but now it’s wearing thin.

  “Well, hell, that says something now, doesn’t it?”

  I shrug my shoulders unsure of how to respond. “I’m going to bed.” My words come across defeated and desperate.

  “I’m sorry, Leah. That was insensitive. Maybe he’ll come around. You sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

  “Yeah. I’m just tired,” I mumble. Kissing Cari’s cheek, I thank her for letting me stay.

  “I’m here if you need me, darling. I love you.”

  “Love you, too, Care.” I head for the bathroom. I quickly wash my face and brush my teeth. Climbing into bed, my body is exhausted and aching from the stress of the day. I check my phone one last time before calling it a night and there’s a text from Ellis.

  Ellis: Can you attend my parents’ party with me tomorrow? I really don’t want to deal with an explanation as to why you’re not there.

  I can’t respond. Right now the last thing I want is to be at Ellis’ family event with him. I’m so angry and hurt that being there will only add to how I’m feeling.

  When I don’t answer instantly, he sends another text.

  Ellis: Are you going to answer me? I need you to do this for me.

  How can he not understand how infuriating the way he speaks to me is? Always so demanding, like I’m a child rather than his fiancé. Or his ex-fiancé for that matter. I re-read his text, which only spawns my anger even more. I chuck my phone down onto the bed; it bounces and lands on the floor with a satisfying thud. I leave it because if I don’t, I’ll be sending Ellis a “fuck off” in reply.

  Chapter Three

  The next morning I search the floor for my phone and re-read Ellis’ texts. After sleeping on it, I realize I can’t add any more to this mess. I need to go with him to his parents’ party. He can’t attend a party thrown by his family alone, especially when he’s engaged. The backlash will be obscene and although I’m still angry with him, I care about him. I don’t want him to suffer at the hands of my decision, and by sending him to the party alone that’s exactly what will happen. But there is that selfish part of me that feels he needs to get his comeuppance for always treating me as if I was only there to look good on his arm. Rarely do I speak to anyone at these events. I have nothing in common with the people who attend. I made that mistake early on when I was talking to a girl a few years older than me. When I mentioned that I worked for Simon-Regal Advertising, she chuckled. She then proceeded to tell me my job would be obsolete once I married Ellis. I disagreed then and I still do.

  I send Ellis a quick text.

  Me: Yes, I’ll go with you to the party.

  Oddly enough his response is immediate and somewhat less demanding than before.

  Ellis: Thank you. I appreciate it.

  But like always a second text comes in and ruins it.

  Ellis: Can you meet me at our house at 8:30? I’d like to talk to you before the party.

  Something about the message stirs my irrational side. I read it again and every muscle in my body becomes tense. It’s the “our” in his text that begins the feelings, but what spawns them is the fact that he’s requesting that I be there to speak with him as opposed to asking me. I want to text back that the house is no longer “our house”; I moved out. I also want to point out the ludicrousness of his demand to speak to me. Obviously nothing has changed and our earlier argument meant very little.

  Me: I’ll meet you at the party.

  Ellis: Why?

  Me: Because I need a break and you obviously don’t understand that.

  Ellis: Fine. Don’t be late.

  I toss my phone onto the nightstand and roll over. I can smell Dunkin Donuts coffee and it makes me smile, easing some of my anger. I could totally get used to living with Cari if it meant waking up to this smell every morning. I shuffle out to the kitchen where I find Cari sitting at the table sipping her coffee and reading something on her phone. I give her a quick kiss on the head as I reach down and pluck my waiting coffee from the cardboard holder. She smiles at me and grabs the box of Munchkins from the table.

  “Let’s go out on the balcony. Jimmy’s still sleeping and I don’t want to wake him. He doesn’t get much sleep while he’s h
ere.” She winks at me and a small giggle escapes from her throat. I shake my head and follow her outside.

  It’s early September and the heat of the summer is still in full swing. The humidity is extreme even at seven in the morning, but it’s the most amazing feeling. I love the summer and I know it will soon come to an end, so I enjoy it while it lasts.

  “So I have to go to a party with Ellis today,” I say opening the conversation. It comes across as awkward, probably because it is and judging by the look on Cari’s face, she’s questioning my sanity.

  “What? Why?” She doesn’t even attempt to hide the shock in her voice.

  “I can’t make him go alone. His parents will eat him alive and I know we are taking a break right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s over for good. I just need some time to figure things out.”

  “You’re joking, right? Who are you kidding? You’re not getting back together. People don’t just take a break and then realize they were wrong. Ellis is a dick-douche and you deserve better.” I open my mouth to speak and Cari throws her hand up to silence me. “Let me finish,” she quips harshly. “I’ve kept my mouth shut for years. This is the first rational thought you’ve had since you started dating Ellis. Marrying him is a terrible idea. You’re not yourself when you’re with him and he doesn’t love the real you. He doesn’t even know the real you. He just loves the person you became to please him. Leah, you’re not rich, the lifestyle doesn’t suit you, and I think you’re settling because you’re worried you won’t find someone else.” She sighs and a look of pity crosses her face. “It’s okay to be alone. Remember who you are. You were fun once.” Tears fill her eyes as she reaches over and clutches my hand.

  The tears begin to fall from my eyes and I can’t control them. I hear so much truth in her words that it hurts. My chest feels as if someone is standing on it. I know she doesn’t like Ellis, but hearing the desperation in her voice and the honesty, crushes me. She leans over and swipes a finger at the tear that slips down my cheek. Her finger rests on a scar just below my left eye and the thought makes both of us smile. “Does he know how you got that scar?” she asks.

  I giggle out loud. “No, of course not. He’s never asked and I never shared.”

  “It’s a great story, but that’s the part of you, the real you, he doesn’t know.” The smile drops from her face and I realize what she’s getting at.

  “I know,” I reply quietly. “I’m working on it.” I quickly change the subject, since the conversation has taken on a somber tone again. “Do you remember when I told that guy in the bar that the cut under my eye was from a knife fight?”

  “Yep. We had a whole series of stories to go along with how you ended up with that cut and black eye. But the actual story was quite lame.”

  “Yeah, you nailing me in the face with an ice skate. That just doesn’t carry the same weight as a knife fight or a mugging, does it?”

  “Nope, it certainly doesn’t. I still don’t understand why you leaned over while I was throwing the skates into the backseat,” she says shaking her head. We both laugh and begin the task of eating twenty-five Munchkins before Jimmy wakes up. He always eats all the chocolate first and leaves the crap no one wants.

  “I know you don’t want me to go,” I say while dusting the powdered sugar from my fingers. “But I really need a dress to wear. I left my dress at the condo and I’m not going back there today.”

  “I’m sure I have something. As much as I disagree with your decision, I know you can’t bail on him like that. You’re a good person, Leah, but you deserve better.”

  “If it’s any consolation, I don’t think he does the things he does on purpose. He thinks he’s helping me.”

  “Which is exactly why you need to get out,” she says with a sigh.

  Two hours later I’m in my car heading up to Winnetka in a dress that was designed for someone with much bigger boobs, but it will do. I pull up in front of Ellis’ parents’ house and take in the ridiculousness of its size. I’m still in awe of their wealth and I shake my head as I recall the first time Ellis’ mother gave me a tour. She loves this home more than her children. Seconds later the valet is standing at my window with a look of annoyance on his face. I climb out and grab the front of the strapless dress hiking it up as it has begun to slip down. His harsh face slowly materializes into a sly smile. I giggle and he winks at me.

  “You’re new, huh?” I ask before he climbs into my car.

  “Yeah, how’d you know?” He looks puzzled by my question.

  “I’ve been to a lot of these. You’ll learn not to smile at the guests. I’m cool, but see that lady in the Bentley?” I point a few cars behind me to a woman sitting in the passenger seat of a ridiculously over-priced car. “She’ll eat you alive if you make eye contact with her. If I had to guess, she’s already pissed that you’re holding up the line by talking to me. Little does she know, it’s me distracting you from your job.” I wink back at him and wish him good luck before I head toward the lakefront tent.

  I find Ellis talking with his father. I walk up and slip my hand into the crook of his elbow, my fingers wrapping around his arm the way they always do. I grip his arm tighter as it becomes harder to suck in a breath. My lungs ache, my throat feels sore, and I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. It’s all too real. I can hear Ellis’ father talking to me, but it’s muffled. Goose bumps rise on my skin despite the temperature and I wonder if this is guilt pulling my body in different directions. Ellis’ father leans in and kisses my cheek, when he pulls away, he says, “I’ve always liked you, Leah. You were like a breath of fresh air in this stuffy family. I hate to see you go, but I understand.” Ellis’ father walks away, but his words confuse me and I look at Ellis. His face gives away nothing.

  “You told your father?” I question as Ellis pulls my engagement ring from his pocket and slips it back on my finger.

  “I had to say something. We’re over, Leah. I think you know it, but getting you to admit it is another thing. You don’t want this.” He looks around, his eyes focusing on the lake in front of us. “It’s obvious.” He sighs hard and slides his hand into mine, his fingers lacing into mine as he gives a small squeeze. “I love you and I don’t want to lose you over some stupid argument.”

  As if that was what caused this? A stupid argument about me coming home drunk. I can’t answer him and the more silence that passes between us, the more distant he becomes. I don’t blame him. This came out of nowhere, but in my mind it had been a long time coming. Pretending to be happy can be self-destructive and that is the path I feel myself going down and by ending it now, I hope I’m saving myself from the embarrassment it may bring.

  The guests begin to filter in and a slow fog takes control of my body. People talk, but I remember nothing. Ellis smiles and holds my hand, we dance, eat and mingle, but it’s all very surreal. When the party ends, Ellis walks me to my car. He clutches my hand tightly in an effort to get some reaction from me. I can’t do it. I have nothing left to give. The valet pulls my car around and I climb in. Ellis leans down and carefully kisses me on the top of the head. As he pulls away, he whispers, “I’m going to try. I want you back. I will make this right again.” A simple smile crosses my lips, but it’s only for show. His words mean nothing at this point. I nod my head, but I know it’s too late for his attempts.

  Yet for some reason I can’t help but remember some of the good times I had with Ellis as I take in the sadness in his eyes. We went to Aspen when we first started dating. It was the one time in the few weeks we were together that I remember him laughing. He rarely laughs, but when he does it’s stunning. The way the corners of his eyes crinkle and his smile is full and shows his perfect, straight white teeth. He has these adorable dimples that I have always loved and that was the first time I ever noticed them.

  We were riding the ski lift after skiing a particularly long run and I was tired. I lazily exited the lift, but I lost my footing and I pushed off of Ellis to help get my balance. As my skis
touched the snow I slid, taking Ellis down with me. I immediately started laughing and when I looked over at him, he had annoyance written all over his face. But something in him softened and his harshness faded and he smiled at me. The smile turned to a laugh as he pulled me into his arms and kissed me on the tip of my frozen nose. That was the most genuine Ellis ever was with me during the course of our relationship. It was months before I saw that smile again or heard his laugh. These moments were few and far between, which only makes it more apparent that Ellis and I are done.

  As I pull away I can feel the tears materialize. I don’t want to hurt Ellis, but it’s inevitable. I grab my phone from the console to call Cari and notice the old text message from Adam. I never answered and part of me thinks I should let it go, but the other part wants something that feels real. It can’t hurt anything to meet him tomorrow. It’s as over as it’s going to be with Ellis, so the cheating factor is off the table and the guilt has lessened.

  Me: Yep. See you at 8:00. Looking forward to it.

  Adam: Great. Me too.

  His text makes me smile and I feel lightheaded by just his simple words. Everything about this is new and exciting, and tomorrow I will meet with Adam. I will be myself and even if I gain nothing from having coffee with him, I hope I can find myself again.

  As soon as I walk in Cari narrows her eyes at me and lets out a high-pitched, “Huh.” She stalks over to where I’m standing in the kitchen, grabs my hand and stares me down.

  “Again? Seriously? I leave you alone for a few hours and you end up engaged again?” Cari’s tone is almost aggressive and Jimmy laughs over the noise of the television.

  “Don’t encourage her,” I shout at him. I turn my attention back to Cari who seems to be growing tired of my bullshit already. “We’re not engaged. Ellis wasn’t ready to tell his entire family today, so I wore the ring to spare him the drama of dealing with our breakup so publicly.”