My Winter

by Nikki Young

  “Don’t lead him on, Leah. It’s wrong. Return that ring. You have no intention of getting back together with him.”

  “Fuck, Cari! I left Ellis to avoid shit like this. Leave me alone. I’m not leading him on and just so you know, I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in getting back together.” As the words leave my mouth, I know they’re not entirely true, but Cari is being a real pain in the ass. Rarely do I interject my opinion on her love life, which we both know, is so unconventional. Yet, for some reason she feels the need to constantly impart her wisdom on me.

  “Whatever, Leah. I know how you work and you won’t totally cut him loose until you have someone waiting.” She stops talking suddenly and her eyes widen. “You have someone waiting, don’t you?” She practically shouts at me. “I can’t believe you! Already you have a back-up plan?” I can’t tell from her tone if she’s shocked or impressed. This wouldn’t be the first time I have done something like this. The only time I was totally single was when I met Ellis, but the rest of the times, I always had a back-up plan.

  “I don’t have a back-up plan!” I shout back as Jimmy stands up, following Cari as she moves closer to me.

  “Yes, you do! It’s that guy from the bar, isn’t it?” She’s standing only inches from my face now. Cari and I argue like sisters and there have even been some times when we were drunk that the arguments got pretty heated. Right now I want to hit her. Jimmy grabs her wrist as she comes even closer.

  “All right you two, that’s enough,” Jimmy says, but Cari and I immediately respond in unison, “Shut up, Jimmy!” He shrugs his shoulders and walks back to the couch.

  Cari’s voice settles and she asks again, “So, is it the guy from the bar? Did you really dump Ellis over that?”

  “I…I don’t know,” I stutter out and I know Cari won’t take that as an answer. “It was more than just the guy at the bar. It’s been bad for a while, so when Adam hit on me at the bar, I remembered what it was like to be wanted by someone. It was never like that with Ellis.”

  “You’re on a first name basis with him already? How long have you been seeing him? That was just a few days ago.” She sounds slightly appalled, which I find hard to believe. She really has no room to talk. She started sleeping with Jimmy while she had a boyfriend and didn’t end it until Jimmy got pissed.

  “I haven’t been seeing him. He asked me out and I’m having coffee with him tomorrow morning.”

  “Leah, this is wrong. Did you tell Ellis you’re seeing this guy? He’d be crushed if he knew.” I roll my eyes at Cari. Suddenly she’s Ellis’ BFF? I don’t know what has spawned this recent love for him, but it’s pissing me off.

  “What’s with you taking Ellis’ side all the sudden?” I ask as Jimmy shouts from the couch, “Yeah, Cari? You hate Ellis.”

  “Stay out of this Jimmy!” she screams back. Her eyes focus on me as she twirls her hair around her finger. “I don’t want you to make a mistake. I don’t think he’s right for you, but maybe I’m wrong.”

  “Why are we fighting over this? This is stupid. You’ve wanted me to dump Ellis, well if we’re being real here, since the day I met him. You hated his pleated pants,” I say trying to calm things down.

  Cari’s body begins to relax as she pulls a chair out from under the bar top counter. “Leah, I don’t know what to tell you to do. I just know it’s wrong to lead Ellis on, whether I think he’s a jerk or not, it’s still not right. Make the call. Walk away if that’s what you want.” She sighs hard and reaches for my hand. Slipping the ring off my finger, Cari raises her eyebrows. “This is some ring and you’re some girl, but the two just don’t go.” She hands over the ring and as I look down at it, I know she’s right. It’s not me.

  The tears begin to well up in my eyes as I think about hurting Ellis. “What am I going to tell him?” I ask as I choke back a sob that begins to form in my throat. “I have no real reason for ending this other than selfishness. He’s going to think I’m a total jerk-off.”

  “If he can’t see your point in all of this then maybe he’s the one who’s selfish?” I shrug my shoulders at Cari’s words. Maybe she’s right.

  I’ve given up so much of my life, yet nothing in his life has changed. I moved in with him, I allow him a pass on Sunday dinners with my family; something I swore would be of the utmost importance to anyone who entered my life, but not Ellis. My family does not embarrass me, but I know that Ellis isn’t comfortable with them. My two brothers don’t make it easy on him and although my mother has always been accepting of everything and everyone in my life, she holds back with Ellis, reserves herself. I guess in a way I do the same. Ellis works with the same amount of endless effort that he did before meeting me, while we were dating, and after we were engaged. I, on the other hand, began to limit business trips and late nights at the office due to his demands that I remain available to attend his work functions. And I can’t forget all the Friday night poker games that continued long after we met. But as Ellis’ social life remained the same, mine began to lack severely. I lost friends and I didn’t seem to care. The last one standing was Cari and I owe her more than she knows.

  As I think back to my life before Ellis, I realize I was happy, really happy. And now that I’ve finally realized that, I also realize how much I miss my family, I miss Cari, and most of all myself.

  Chapter Four

  I wake the next morning to the obnoxious alarm on my iPhone playing Marimba so loudly that it scares the shit out of me. My heart is beating against my chest in a thumping pattern that can only be brought out by the adrenaline rush of being startled out of a sound sleep. It takes me a few seconds to remember why my alarm is blaring at seven in the morning on a Sunday and then it hits me. I’m meeting Adam today.

  I quietly leave the bedroom so I don’t wake Cari and Jimmy. I shower quickly and pull on a pair of black yoga pants, a tank and a track jacket. I slip on my gym shoes. I have given little thought to my appearance because this is what I look like on a regular weekend. No sense in pretending to be someone I’m not. I saw where that got me in the past. I leave Cari a note so she won’t worry and I prepare myself for my first sort of date in almost three years.

  My nervousness is more apparent than I ever expected as I sit through endless red lights and stop and go traffic. Jimmy has a long running joke that it takes twenty minutes to get anywhere in the city and right now he’s totally right. I begin to chew my bottom lip, pulling off any loose skin that my teeth can grab. I stop when I taste blood; I dig around in my console for Carmex before my bloody lip begins to scab over. I do a few deep breaths to calm myself down, but it fails, so I call my mom.

  “Hey, Ma,” I say as I hear her tired voice answer the phone.

  “Hey, doll. What’s going on? You’re up early.”

  “Nothing much. Just going to meet a friend for coffee this morning.” My mom has always been casual. She never pries for information, always waits for you to volunteer it. She won’t ask whom I’m meeting and even though it feels wrong, I won’t tell her. “Are we still on for dinner tonight?” I ask this like our routine will have suddenly changed. It’s been like this since I was ten. It didn’t matter what was going on in our lives, my two brothers, my mom and I always had dinner together on Sunday nights. As kids we knew to be back at the house at six, as teenagers, there was nothing that pissed my mother off more than us being late to Sunday dinner and even after we all moved out, we still meet up every Sunday.

  “Of course,” she replies, her voice turning softer as it takes on a calm tone. The conversation stalls for a second and she asks, “Leah, you okay?”

  “Yeah, Ma, I’m good. Just wanted to say hi. I’ll see you tonight, okay.”

  “Sure, hon. You want anything special for dinner? I was gonna make lasagna, but if you want something different, I’ll make it.” This comment makes me smile. She only does this for me. Sometimes being the only girl has its perks.

  “Nope. Lasagna sounds amazing. Bye, Ma.”

 
“Bye, Leah.”

  I hang up just as I arrive at the coffee shop where I’m meeting Adam and I can’t help but laugh. The place is closed. Not closed like as in they aren’t open, closed as in they no longer exist. He’s going to think I did this on purpose to avoid having to hang out with him.

  I park the car and as I’m getting out I glance over at the door and see Adam rounding the corner with a smirk on his face. I can feel my body tense, but then relax as a small smile crosses my lips. He’s even more adorable than I remember. He’s wearing a Yankees hat that looks to be at least twenty years old, a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that makes me giggle out loud. The t-shirt has a picture of a dinosaur on it with the saying, “All my friends are dead.” I have a terrible sense of humor and judging by his shirt so does he.

  “What’s so funny?” he calls out as he approaches. His tone is playful, almost flirtatious, and my smile grows bigger.

  “Your shirt,” I reply back making sure to sound far too sweet.

  “Really, I figured you were laughing at me for showing up here. Did you know this place was closed? Is this some kind of ploy you pull and then laugh at all the jerks who show up here waiting for you?”

  I playfully swat his arm and he grabs my hand. He laces his fingers with mine and he smiles softly. My whole body responds to his touch the way it did in the bar. I can feel my face flush and I giggle. “I didn’t know it was closed. I’m sorry. I hope it wasn’t too far for you,” I respond as I slip my hand out of his grasp.

  “No, I don’t live far from here. I walked. We could just head back to my place or find something nearby if you want.” As the words leave his mouth I can’t help but think maybe he knew the coffee shop was closed. Without thinking I blurt it out.

  “Did you know the shop was closed?” I sound demanding and slightly appalled at my own thoughts.

  “No and I’m stunned that you would think I’d have to resort to such measures.” His tone is playfully sarcastic.

  “Really?” I ask, my tone mimicking his. “Either way I’m not going to your house. I hardly know you.” I head back to my car as I feel him fall in line behind me. I look back over my shoulder. “But I’d still like to take you up on your offer.” He smiles at me and my heartbeat quickens. His smile is a little crooked and at a glance, his teeth appear perfectly straight, but the more I look I notice his front teeth overlap just slightly. Something about his less than perfect smile makes him more appealing. He’s quite adorable, far more boyish than he seemed in the bar the night we met.

  I stop in front of my car and unlock the door. “We driving?” he asks and then chuckles slightly. “I’m not sure I’m good with getting in this thing.” I’m used to this response to my car. It’s old. I don’t have to drive an old car. I do it by choice.

  “What’s wrong with my car?” I ask teasingly, knowing full well it looks like a death trap. “It’s an antique.” I wink at Adam and his adorable smile appears again.

  “It’s old, that’s for sure. What year is this thing?”

  “It’s an ‘85. It was my father’s; eventually I’ll get rid of it. But for now it’s a good little runner.” Adam climbs into the passenger seat and settles himself. He looks around taking it all in. Although my Jeep Cherokee is old, it’s spotless inside, almost untouched.

  “I gotta tell you, I kinda like this thing. It’s pretty damn cool,” he says. I soften when I hear his words, but I can’t help but wonder if his acceptance is based on his desire to make me think he’s interested in me. I pretended to love hockey when I met Ellis, maybe this is just a minor lie to impress me. I remind myself that the whole point of this “date” was to allow him to know me. My shitty car is part of who I am.

  As I slip the key into the ignition, Adam laughs. “You sure this thing is gonna start?”

  “Yes,” I reply sounding appalled. I crank the ignition and like always it turns over and starts instantly. “Check that shit out. You doubt me.” I shift into first gear and release the clutch as Adam mumbles under his breath. I furrow my brow and look over at him. “What?” I ask.

  “I once told my buddy I needed to find a girl who could drive stick. It’s one of those rare finds and I always knew when I did, the girl would be hot.”

  I feel my face turn warm and I know my cheeks are pink. I squirm slightly in my seat unsure of how to respond. I smile shyly. There’s something about Adam that’s comforting, kind, almost natural. “Change in plans,” I say quickly. “I want to take you to my favorite place.” I feel my body relax and I start to feel happy, excited to share something real. “You don’t have anywhere you need to be for the next few hours, do you?”

  “After watching you drive stick, I’d go just about anywhere with you.” I giggle and his smile grows bigger. “Now I’m definitely in. That laugh gets me every time.” Adam reaches over, lifts my hand from the stick shift and places a quick kiss on it. “Thanks for doing this,” he says as his voice turns quiet. “I figured a girl like you’d be taken already. Somehow I got lucky.”

  Here’s my cue to inform him that I was taken and maybe I still am. It’s all sort of fuzzy. But instead of coming clean, I ignore his comment. Something tells me this is going to come back and bite me in the ass.

  Moving on, I quickly change the subject. “I have to stop and pick something up,” I say, pulling into a Dunkin Donuts. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.” I hop out of the car and return in record time with exactly what I went in for.

  Adam looks at me as I set two bags on the floorboard at his feet. “No coffee?” he questions.

  “Nope and don’t you dare peek in those bags.” I teasingly glare in his direction. He holds his hands up in an I-give-up way, making me laugh once again.

  I pull into the parking lot of Mount Greenwood Park a little while later. Although it has been renovated recently and has some new additions added, it still brings back a flood of memories. The parking lot is scattered with cars, which is what I expected.

  Adam looks over at me with a small amount of suspicion in his eyes. I smile tightly and reach for the bags at his feet. I’m not even sure where I’m going with this whole thing. In order to share this with him, I need to give him the backstory, a story even Ellis doesn’t know. I can’t help but wonder if I kept it from Ellis on purpose. Sheltered him from my life so he never really got to know the real me.

  “Come on,” I say as I climb out of the car. Adam follows me through the parking lot to the deserted baseball fields. He sits himself next to me as I sit down on the metal bleachers. His long legs stretch out in front of him and come to rest crossed at the ankles. He leans back slightly and his shirt pulls up just enough that I can see a small section of his tanned and toned flat stomach. His jeans are slung low on his hips and I have to look away quickly when my eyes start to trail down his body. My heart is beating with so much force that I’m sure Adam is fully aware that my jugular is about to burst through my neck, but when he sighs, I can’t help but smile.

  “So what’s the deal?” he asks. “You like baseball?” He pauses a second, “South Side little league?” His tone is perplexed.

  Without answering his question, I reach into the Dunkin Donuts bag. First pulling out two bottles of chocolate milk from one bag and two strawberry frosted donuts from the second. I hand him one of each and take in his wide grin.

  “This is rather interesting,” he says looking at the donut and milk. “Never been on a date that involves empty ball fields, donuts and milk. I’m intrigued.” I don’t balk at his use of the term date this time because I guess that’s what this is. It doesn’t fit the typical stereotype for a date, but the playful flirting says differently.

  I smile brightly as he takes a bite of his donut. When his eyes lock with mine, my body forces my nervousness to epic proportions. “I love pink donuts,” is all I can say.

  Adam leans in close and I can feel his warm breath on my cheek. The closeness of his lips makes my body line with goose bumps; a chill runs over me despite the summer heat
. “No one appreciates the pink donut. It’s a favorite of mine, too.” He pulls back and winks at me. I want him close to me again. I feel as if I’m lacking something, as if a piece of me is missing when he moves away.

  I don’t know where to begin, so I just start talking. My eyes focus on the field. My memories are so vivid I feel like I can actually see them, hear them. The sound of the aluminum bat as it connects with the ball. My father’s voice cutting through the din of the crowd. I don’t want to cry, so I close my eyes. “I spent every Saturday in these bleachers eating pink donuts and drinking chocolate milk as a kid.” I take a deep breath completely unsure where this conversation may lead us. I begin again, trying not to ramble as I sometimes do when a situation becomes uncertain. “My dad coached my brothers’ little league teams. Saturdays were really the only break my mom got, so my dad used to take me with. The thing he didn’t realize is that I loved it.”

  Adam looks over at me and takes a quick drink before speaking. “You have brothers? How many?” he asks his voice casual.

  “Two. Older. Tommy and Joe.” I pause, but a silence lingers between us. It lasts too long. I’m not good with uncomfortable silences. They usually end with me saying something ridiculous.

  “So you grew up out here?” Adam asks. I suck in a relaxing breath knowing I don’t have to fill the silence.

  “Yeah. My mom still lives in the house I grew up in. Only a few blocks away.”

  “That’s pretty cool. How about your brothers? They nearby?”

  “Yep. Both live in Mount Greenwood. They’re Chicago cops.” I smirk knowing the response that always brings. “They’re great though. Both married. I’m the last one left.” I close my eyes and shake my head. That came out wrong, almost like an invitation that I am of marrying age and actively looking. I glance down at my hand because at that exact moment Ellis’ face pops into my head. I look at my ring finger wondering if there’s an indentation, something to indicate that I haven’t been honest with Adam, but there is no trace. Once again this would be the perfect opportunity to fess up to the fact that not less than forty-eight hours ago I was engaged. But again, I say nothing.