My Winter

by Nikki Young

  Adam sits up and turns himself to face me. I can feel his eyes on me and the feeling makes my body rebel against me. I shouldn’t be this attracted to someone I just met. I take a few quick breaths and scan the fields lying in front of me, looking anywhere but at Adam. My knee begins to bounce and I reach for my milk knocking it over in my nervousness. I can’t seem to pull myself together. A huffy laugh escapes from Adam’s mouth when he reaches over and rights my milk. His hand brushes against my thigh making me jump. What is wrong with me? As he leans in closer I take a deep breath. His fingers graze my cheek, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind my ear. When I finally turn to face him, he’s smiling.

  “I like you, Leah,” Adam says quietly. “You’re cute in that clumsy, giggly way. You make me smile. It’s been a long time.” He licks his lips and I panic that he’s going to try and kiss me. It’s too soon, so I awkwardly scoot away from him. “I make you nervous,” he says with an apprehensive smile. “I don’t mean to. I don’t usually have this effect on women. I haven’t dated in a while.” He stops and smiles a bit and it makes me smile back. “Oh, yeah, I know this isn’t a date, but whatever.” He rolls his eyes, laughs a little and I begin to relax. “So, I guess I should explain myself a little better.” He takes a deep breath and I watch his ridiculously muscular chest rise. I can make out every line of his body through his fitted t-shirt and I can’t help but wonder what he looks like shirtless. Thoughts of a shirtless Adam are floating around in my head when he stutters out a line I wasn’t expecting. “I’m married.”

  “Um, you’re what?” I slide away from him even more and turn away. This is not happening. I’m not the girl who dates someone else’s husband, let alone a girl who cheats. I dumped my fiancé because I accepted a date with someone else. I start to stand up. I can’t stay here. I will not be a part of this. Adam’s hand grips my wrist and I freeze. “Don’t touch me,” I spit out and yank myself from his hold.

  “Please, Leah, let me explain.” His voice is hoarse and panicked. “I’m not an asshole, seriously.” I roll my eyes and purse my lips waiting for his bullshit story that will somehow make this not the most uncomfortable non-date in history. He takes a deep breath and exhales hard. “I like you and I didn’t want to scare you off, but I couldn’t continue this, whatever this is, without being totally honest. I don’t even know if there’s anything here, but if there is I didn’t want this hanging over our heads.” He begins to crack his knuckles, pressing each finger to his palm using his thumb. He’s nervous, uncomfortable and he should be. I feel for his wife. She probably has no idea he’s an asshole. “My soon to be ex-wife and I are in the process of a divorce. It’ll be finalized next week. We’ve been separated for two years now. You’re the first person I’ve asked out in two years, let alone considered dating. She cheated on me.” The last line comes out quick and sharp, yet somewhat awkward.

  My eyes widen and I do feel bad for him. Being cheated on sucks, I’ve been there and I never want to go back. There is something in his eyes that makes him trustworthy, but I’m also filled with guilt. At this point, I’ve had a few opportunities to mention my previous relationship, but I let them slide. I feel like I should tell him about Ellis, come clean and explain myself too, yet I feel like now it might come across as insincere and well, late. So instead, I push the thoughts of Ellis from my brain. I can’t think about him right now.

  “I’m sorry. I should have let you explain before I went all indignant on your ass,” I joke trying to lighten the mood. “That really sucks that she cheated, but maybe it was for the better. Just think, you never would have met me.” I giggle and Adam smirks at me.

  “Just think, I could have hit on some other random girl in the bar.” Adam slides his hand down my leg stopping at my knee and giving it a squeeze. “Something tells me she would have at least conceded to calling this a date.”

  I turn to face him. Smiling, I shake my head. “Maybe you should go find her then?”

  “Nah,” he says dismissively. “I don’t want to press my luck.” He smiles at me and no matter how many times it happens, it makes me weak.

  Maybe I’m the lucky one I think as I look at Adam’s smiling face. He’s so kind and something about him makes me trust him already. His hand is still resting on my knee and the warmth that it brings calms me. It makes me think that agreeing to this so-called date with Adam is one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.

  We spend the next two hours talking and laughing. I can’t remember the last time I had such a nice time on a date. Adam fills me in on his family and where he grew up. He’s from New York; Brooklyn, which is where his family still lives. He’s the youngest of three boys. Every once in a while I still catch his accent when he says certain words. I love it. We talk about our jobs and our friends. The time passes so quickly and the conversation flows as if I’ve known Adam all my life. It feels as if this isn’t just a date, but the forming of a friendship, something I’ve never had with guys I’ve dated in the past.

  Just as we’re getting ready to leave, he leans over and runs his finger across the scar under my eye. “How’d you get this?” he asks and my heart skips a beat.

  Chapter Five

  Seconds after I drop Adam off outside his apartment my phone rings. I smile when I see his number appear on my screen. A flood of happiness rushes through me and my smile grows bigger. It’s been at least fifteen years since I’ve felt this way about someone. My high school boyfriend Joey was the last person who truly made me have that stomach fluttering, tingling euphoria. That’s kind of sad when I think about it. I was engaged, I planned to spend my life married to someone who only made me mildly happy. Actually, I was pretty indifferent toward Ellis, now that I think about it. He was safe, normal, no surprises, and if anything I always felt like I was trying to please him, more of an obsession for the wrong reason. My thoughts of Ellis leave quickly when I hear Adam’s voice.

  “Didn’t I just drop you at your apartment?” I ask.

  “Yeah, but I forgot to ask you something.”

  “Oh, really, what’s that?” My tone is flirtatious.

  “Will you have dinner with me tonight?”

  “You sound awfully confident for a man who has only been on one date in the last two years, but I can’t have dinner with you tonight.”

  “Oh, okay.” He sounds defeated and my heart breaks just a little for him.

  “Not because I don’t want to because I totally do. I have dinner with my family every Sunday night. I’d have to be dead in order to miss it. Another time?”

  “Will you have dessert with me then?” he asks, and I can hear the hope in his voice. I can’t disappoint him.

  “Sure. Will 8:30 be okay?”

  “Perfect. Can I pick you up?”

  “I can meet you somewhere. I’ll be coming from my mom’s house. Or I can pick you up. It’s up to you.”

  “Why don’t you pick me up, although, eventually I’d like to take you out on a real date where I pick you up all proper. My mother would die if she knew I let a girl pick me up for a date.”

  “Play your cards right tonight and you just might have a chance.” I laugh and I hear Adam sigh into the phone.

  “God, I love that laugh. I’ll see you around 8:30. Later.” He hangs up before I can say anything more. I toss my phone onto the passenger seat and giggle. My head falls back against the headrest, as my smile just keeps getting bigger. If I keep smiling like this my cheeks are going to hurt for weeks.

  I walk into a quiet house, thankful for the fact that Cari and Jimmy are gone. I won’t have to deal with their barrage of questions regarding my date and it’s nice to have some silence for a change. It’s been a long time since I lived with roommates and I’ve grown accustomed to living alone, although I’ve lived with Ellis for the last two years. Even when he was home, it was as if I was alone. We rarely talked and most of the time he was working from home, so I knew not to disturb him.

  I flip the TV on and begin to zo
ne out while watching some crappy Lifetime movie. After a quick nap on the couch, I shower and try to decide what to wear. I decide it would be best to dress slightly nicer than normal for Sunday night dinner. Knowing I’ll be meeting Adam afterward makes this decision final. I already showed up once dressed like I’d just come from the gym and although he still seemed interested, I figure I should try to make a better impression. I slip on a black and white striped halter dress and a pair of ankle tie espadrilles. I glance at myself in the mirror and I can’t tell if I look like I’m trying too hard or trying to stay cool in the oppressive Indian Summer heat. After a few turns in front of the mirror and multiple internal debates, I strip off the dress and go for a simple pair of jeans and a red satin halter top. I slide my feet into a pair of silver t-strap sandals and take one last look before heading out the door. I smile to myself as I start up my car. It doesn’t matter what I wear tonight, my brothers will still give me shit. It’s just their way.

  My hand slides along the steering wheel as I turn out of the parking garage. My eyes focus on where my engagement ring once was. I know my family won’t question me on Ellis’ whereabouts because in the two and half years we’ve been together he’s attended dinner with my family only three times. He told me my brothers made him uncomfortable. I remember his comment made me laugh. My brothers make everyone uncomfortable, they’re cops. I can’t help but wonder if they’ll question my lack of an engagement ring.

  I pull into the driveway of the brick bungalow I grew up in. A place that can somehow create calm and chaos all at the same time. I take a deep breath as the emotion hits me. It’s something that never goes away. It’s a constant hum that lingers in my body. It’s the feeling of missing my father that still grips me after twenty-two years. It’s become background noise, but it never leaves. There was no closure to end it.

  I pull myself together as I enter the front door. The house smells of garlic and tomatoes mixed with butter cake. It’s an acquired combination, but one I was raised on and I love it.

  “Hey, Ma!” I yell as I make my way to the kitchen.

  She startles sending the knife she was chopping strawberries with crashing to the floor. “Geez, Leah, you scared me half to death.” She wipes her hands down the front of the apron she has tied around her waist and turns toward me. “You’re early,” she says as she blinks rapidly. She’s trying to mask the fact that she’s been crying. Something she’s done since I was a kid.

  “What’s going on, Ma? You okay?”

  “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Just a long day. You know.” I want to tell her I don’t know. Why is she crying? I let it go even though I know I shouldn’t. “How about you? How’s Ellis?”

  “Ellis is good, I guess.” I pause trying to come up with the best possible way to tell my mom that Ellis and I are through. My mom is a kindhearted person. She is one of those rare finds. Never a negative thing to say about anyone. She finds the good, overlooks the bad, has a heart that forgives; she’s someone I wish to be. There isn’t a chance she’ll admit to me that she doesn’t like Ellis, but I know she doesn’t. Far be it for her to hurt me. It’s not in her nature. Sometimes I love that about her and other times, because deep down I’m still her baby, I want her to tell me what she really thinks.

  “We broke up.” It comes out quickly and I feel my chest tighten. Suddenly, even with the strong smell of butter cake permeating the air, I’m not hungry. I swallow hard and I can’t bring myself to meet her eyes. “Please don’t tell Joe and Tommy. They hate Ellis enough already.” I’m weakening the more I say. It hurts; something about the whole thing makes my body ache. Do I feel guilty? Was I wrong? Did I make a mistake?

  “Oh,” my mother says in response. She’s quiet for far too long. The silence makes me fidget. This is one of those times that I wished she was more vocal in her feelings. The silence is killing me. Each second that passes makes me regret my decision, not only to tell her what happened, but that I broke off my engagement in general. Does she think it was wrong? My mom and dad loved each other with all their heart, but it devastated her when she lost him. I always believed she wanted for me what she had, but somewhere in the back of her mind I feel like she knew the consequences of loss and maybe she knew that with Ellis I would never fall completely in love with him. We do things to protect ourselves. Sometimes I think I stayed with Ellis so long because I was scared to find something real.

  Thinking back to my childhood, I wanted to love with all my heart, pour my soul into someone, be their everything. That’s what I saw when I woke up every morning. A relationship full of unwavering love; the support of two people who completed each other in ways I never thought possible. But that was all gone when I lost my father. In losing him, I lost my mother and her will to live happily. I never expected to watch my hopes and dreams fade, but his death taught me that sometimes, your dreams don’t come true and your only option is to settle for what’s available. I lost my innocence that day and I was only ten years old. I feel like what I saw would ruin anyone. I know for a fact it did.

  I wonder if I settled for Ellis because he was safe. It could be that with safety comes the ease of not having to give up my heart. I lost a large part of my heart, a hole remains where my father once was and I’ve always known it couldn’t be filled. Why fall in love? Why allow that part of your heart to belong to someone else? The world is full of cruel and unusual circumstances so why take the risk? Is it worth the risk to fall in love so deeply when it can be so easily ripped from your life?

  I slide down into a chair at the kitchen table and my mom follows my lead. She folds her hands neatly on the table and sighs. “Well Leah, I don’t know what to say.” She sighs again and I begin to feel small. “I won’t tell your brothers if you don’t want me to, but if it’s really over, you need to let them know.”

  “I know, Ma,” I respond getting annoyed with her lack of advice. As my frustration grows I can feel myself getting more upset. My mom begins to drum her fingers on the table and for some reason the sound forces me over the edge. The tears begin to fall silently from my eyes. Wiping them away with the back of my hands as I regain control, but it fails when my mom places her hand on my knee.

  “Who ended it?” my mom asks quietly.

  “I did,” I say and the crying picks up again. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I thought this was what I wanted.” The smell of the cake is beginning to make me feel like I might gag. It’s so strong, like the smell of melted sugar. It’s sickening. I put my face in my hands and rub my eyes with my palms. I can feel the mascara smear under the pressure of my hands. I quickly run my fingers under my eyes cleaning up any remaining smudges.

  When I pull my hands away from my face, my mother’s eyes are filled with tears. “I want what’s best for you, Leah,” she says. “Ellis is a good man and there would never be a time that you would struggle financially. You’d never question his loyalty to you or his heart. He might not be perfect, but who is?” I can see the look on her face that says she found perfect once and look where it left her.

  “Ma? Am I making a huge mistake? Just tell me.” I can’t contain my emotions. My voice shakes and I begin to rub the back of my neck with my hand. I look around the kitchen, a place that is so familiar to me, even more so than the home I lived in with Ellis. My parent’s happy marriage is all I see when I look around, but I also see the pain and despair of loss. I know that Ellis can provide for me in ways I could never imagine. I know my mother’s words ring true. He’s loyal and I would want for nothing, but I’m torn. I’m not sure Ellis and I will ever have what my parents had. An undying love and compassion for each other. It’s a struggle. I’m thirty-two years old. One day I want to have children and by questioning my relationship with Ellis, I just might miss out. What if I walk away and I lose the one person who might have truly cared about me?

  “I can’t tell you what to do. That decision is yours to make alone.” My mom stops and glances around the room. “What I do know is that your father was a wo
nderful man. Your brothers learned from him. The reason they don’t like Ellis is because no one will ever be good enough for you. They took over when your father died and they want what’s best for you. We all do. I can’t tell you if Ellis is what’s best for you. Only you can decide that. No matter what your decision, I love and support you. Ask yourself one question before you ultimately decide. Does Ellis make your life easier? Life is hard, your marriage shouldn’t be.”

  Her words hang heavy in the air. So much truth and information to process. I decide not to add in the issue of meeting Adam to the mix. In the end he might have led me to make my decision to break off my engagement, but he won’t be the deciding factor.

  My brothers and their wives arrive and we sit down to dinner. The conversation flows as it always does until my brother Tommy asks about Ellis. “So Ellis is still avoiding us, huh? You think he’s ever gonna be okay with us?”

  “I don’t know, Tom.” My tone is harsh, giving me away.

  “What’s going on? Something’s up,” he says looking at his wife Sarah. Sarah shrugs her shoulders.

  “Leave her alone, Tommy,” she says quietly. “Maybe she doesn’t want to share.” Sarah looks my way and gives a reassuring smile. I wish that was the end, but I know better.

  “Leah,” Joe calls from across the table. “For real. What’s up?” I roll my eyes and continue to eat. My avoidance technique has never worked in the past, so I don’t know why I think it will now. “For fuck’s sake Leah, knock it off. What’d ya breakup or some shit?” Joe’s wife Meagan smacks his upper arm with her palm startling all of us.

  “Joe! Be a little more respectful. Let Leah be.” Again another reassuring smile. I adore my sister in laws. They are amazing women, not only because they tolerate my brothers, but also because they somehow managed to tame them. Joe and Tommy don’t deserve them, but they are perfect together.