My Winter

by Nikki Young

  Cari: Where are you?

  Cari: You better be getting laid.

  Cari: Ok seriously, where are you?

  Cari: I’m having a panic attack.

  Cari: I’m calling the police…

  Cari: Ok, no I’m not. But I did call Jimmy. WHERE ARE YOU????

  I put my hand over my mouth as I laugh out loud at her texts. She can be such a mother hen sometimes.

  Me: I’m at Adam’s. Relax. I’m fine. And yes, I got laid and no, I’m not coming home. See you tomorrow. Love you.

  Cari wastes no time in responding.

  Cari: So jealous. Would you like a threesome? Missing Jimmy.

  Me: No Cari. Go to bed.

  Cari: Love you.

  I quietly reenter the room and place my phone on the nightstand. I slip into bed, curling my body around Adam’s as he sighs and pulls me closer. My eyes close, and I fall asleep wondering if I’ve just fallen in love with Adam.

  Chapter Ten

  Waking up with Adam is even better than I expected. His alarm begins softly playing The Beatles and it’s like waking up from a wonderful dream. I roll over and there he is, a peaceful smile on his face, his eyes still tired. He reaches over brushing my hair out of my face. My eyes close, and I savor the feeling of his fingers against my skin.

  “You’re still here,” he says quietly and then pulls me closer, kissing me on my forehead.

  “Of course I’m still here. Where would I go?”

  “I don’t know. Figured I might be a one night stand.” He attempts to play this off as a joke, but the concern in his voice doesn’t go unnoticed.

  “I might be easy,” I say giggling. “But I’m not that kinda girl.”

  He laughs and pulls me on top of him. When he leans up to kiss me, I back away.

  “You can’t fucking kiss me.” I put my hand over my mouth.

  “What?” he asks appalled. “Why not?”

  “Because I haven’t brushed my teeth. It will ruin your perception of me being a clean, wholesome girl.”

  Adam laughs hard before forcing his mouth against mine. He runs his tongue along my bottom lip and pulls away.

  “Hate to break it to you sweets, but that was shot to shit a long time ago. You use the word “fuck” like it’s every day vocabulary.”

  “It is every day vocabulary,” I respond back sharply with a small amount of humor.

  “All I know is that when it comes out of your mouth,” he pauses, running his finger along my bottom lip, “it’s fucking hot. I can’t even begin to tell you all the things it makes me want to do to you.”

  I shake my head at him. “Where the fuck have you been all my life?” I smile at him as he tucks my hair behind my ears.

  “I could ask you the same thing,” he says before rolling me over and settling himself on top of me.

  We get a quick one in before Adam has to leave for work. I haven’t had a morning this good since I was a kid. I can’t stop smiling and when Adam drops me off at Cari’s; I still don’t want to go home. Adam can sense my hesitation and as his hand grips the back of my neck; pulling me closer, I sigh. He kisses me long and hard and it takes my breath away. My eyes close and he leans his forehead against mine.

  “I want to see you tonight, but I have a lot of work to do. Can I see you tomorrow?” he asks softly.

  “Yes,” I reply back, still breathless from his kiss. “Always yes.”

  He smiles and pulls me in for another kiss. This time I feel it everywhere as his lips press to mine, as his tongue slips into my mouth. We pull apart and I lean in for another kiss, then leave. If I don’t, I won’t ever make it into work and knowing that I won’t see him tonight makes my chest ache slightly. I feel like not seeing him for a whole day is an eternity, but I don’t dare say it out loud.

  Cari’s in the shower when I finally make my way upstairs. Taking a seat on the toilet, I begin to fill her in.

  “How’d it go?” she yells over the spray of the water.

  “Good. I guess,” I respond.

  “What do you mean, you guess? Was the sex bad?”

  “No, not at all. Actually it was fucking amazing.”

  “What’s the deal then?”

  “Cari, I’m in way too deep already. I’m not like this. I don’t fall for someone this quickly. It’s gonna fall apart. I can feel it.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so negative?” Although the water is running, I can tell she’s shouting to make a point. “The boy likes you. He’s hot. The sex is great. Enjoy it.”

  “Whatever,” I reply.

  “Don’t whatever me. Just be happy.”

  “Fine. Now hurry up. I gotta shower.”

  The workday drags and the only thing keeping me awake are the random texts I get from Adam. Just as I’m about to leave for the night, Adam texts me again. He’s crazy busy at work and has to leave town unexpectedly. He needs to deal with a client down in North Carolina and will be back on Friday, but he’ll be in touch and will text me when he lands.

  Part of me is crushed, not only because he’s leaving, but also because the cynical part of me believes he’s bailing.

  Things can only go so well before it turns ugly. The world only allows so much happiness, so much joy in one person’s life before reality kicks in. It’s almost impossible to not be bitter, to not expect that when things are good that they will be swept out from underneath you. The proof is all around. The news, it’s reality letting us know that happiness doesn’t truly exist. When you lose your father in the most traumatic way possible, you know this to be true.

  I instantly begin to set myself up for loss. I’m not allowed to be this happy. I’ve tried to be forgiving of this world, but it’s hard. As I mull all this over in my head on the bus home, I begin to think there’s a reason why I ended up with Ellis. He doesn’t put up with my bullshit. He ignores my behavior, never feeds into me and I’ve never let him get so close that it hurts when he doesn’t care. Suddenly I miss him. Or do I just miss the feeling of belonging to someone?

  I stayed at work late so Cari is already home when I walk in. She’s hauling a suitcase out of her bedroom.

  “Where are you going?” I ask with a little too much intensity. Seems like everyone is leaving me and I suddenly feel sorry for myself.

  “To see Jimmy. I miss him,” she says tersely. “My flight leaves in like an hour. Gotta haul ass.” She pulls the suitcase to the front door before returning to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. She stops in the hallway as I enter my bedroom. “You okay?” she calls at me.

  “Yeah. Adam had to leave town for work and I can’t help but think it’s just an excuse to get rid of me.”

  Cari huffs and sets the bottle of water down on the table by the door. “I hope you’re joking right now.” She sits down on the edge of the bed. “Listen, I’ve got like five minutes, so hit me with it. What’s the problem?”

  “I don’t know. I like him. A lot. And I just feel like maybe it’s all too good to be true. And, don’t slap me, but I kinda miss Ellis.”

  Cari falls back on the bed and covers her face with her hands. “Fuck, Leah. First of all, stop missing Ellis. He’s a dick. I swear I think you were drunk that entire relationship, because when I look at him I think, ‘What the hell was she thinking?’. Second, Adam is great. He likes you. Why would he go out of his way to track me down at work and find out where you eat lunch if he was going to bail on you a day later? Stop stressing and I swear to God if I come home and find you back together with Ellis, I’m breaking up with you. Now I gotta go before I miss my flight.” Cari crawls up the bed and pecks me on the cheek. “I love you. Be good and stay away from Ellis,” she says in a firm tone.

  “Love you, too. Tell Jimmy I miss him.” She blows me a kiss from the doorway to my bedroom before heading out the door.

  When I don’t hear from Adam by midnight, I’m finally resigned to the fact that I need to go to bed and stop waiting on him. But also in the back of my mind, the ins
ecurity that pulls at me whenever things are good, whispers that maybe, just maybe, he hasn’t contacted me because whatever we had is over. For once in my life I want to be enough for someone. I let that small bit of hope creep in that maybe I was enough for Adam. I want to think that maybe I still am.

  My sleep is restless and unfulfilling. I’ve apparently already grown used to Adam’s body next to mine. One night with him and I have become dependent on him for sleep. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can smell him and feel him even though he isn’t here. I miss him.

  I roll over and take my phone from the nightstand, but still nothing from Adam. It hurts like I’ve been punched in the stomach, and I can’t seem to stop the tears that break free. I feel stupid and foolish for even thinking there was something between us. I’m embarrassed by my behavior and even more mortified that I let my heart tell me what to do. I should have never let my emotions take control.

  As I’m lying in bed staring up at the ceiling feeling sorry for myself, my phone vibrates and I grab for it like my life depends on it. Guess I’m over that being-embarrassed-by-my-behavior thing. I roll my eyes when I see Ellis’ name pop up on the screen.

  “Yeah?” I say as a greeting when I answer.

  “Good morning,” he says far too cheerful for someone like him, not to mention the fact that it’s only seven in the morning. “Are you still meeting me for coffee? I’m here waiting for you.”

  “Fuck,” I mutter. I forgot I told Ellis I would meet him for coffee before work. “Shit, I totally forgot. I’m sorry. I’ll be there in like fifteen, okay?”

  “So I hear you haven’t picked up any new vocabulary since you walked out on me?”

  “Don’t say shit like that to me, Ellis. If you want me to meet you, then you get to deal with me.”

  “Sorry,” he says sarcastically. “Just hurry up, I have to go to work.”

  “Are you kidding me right now? If this is your apology, you can take your ass to work and forget about me.”

  Just this short conversation with Ellis pisses me off, actually it infuriates me to the point that I wonder if maybe I do care for him more than I think. If it’s possible for him to make me this mad, there might still be a connection. My anxiety over possibly losing Adam is toying with my emotions and I suddenly wonder if leaving Ellis was for the best. Maybe I put too much worth into a few dates with Adam, because he could just walk away. Leaving me alone.

  “Sorry, Leah. I’m just nervous. I’ll see you soon.”

  The best part about my job is that I can work from home without my boss questioning my whereabouts. I opt for this because it’s too late for me to get ready and still make it in time to meet Ellis. I dress quickly and grab my engagement ring from where I stashed it in my underwear drawer and slip it into my purse.

  I head over to the place where I’m supposed to meet Ellis. My stupid phone is blowing up with emails that I don’t want to look at right now. Working without Cari is a living nightmare. She took vacation instead of working from Denver, so all her emails get forwarded to me. I turn the sound off as I enter the coffee shop.

  Ellis is watching me, his eyes intense as I make my way to the table where he’s sitting. I can only imagine what he’s thinking as he looks me up and down. I haven’t showered nor did I wash my makeup off from the day before. I have a pair of worn out jeans and a loose v-neck t-shirt on, and my hair is piled on top of my head in a sloppy bun. I hate his judgment and the way he’s looking at me makes me realize I want nothing to do with him.

  He stands stiffly and leans in to kiss me on the cheek when I approach the table. I place my hands on his shoulders instead of hugging him or returning the kiss. The feel of his lips on my cheek evokes no emotion or feeling from me. I sit down across from him and wait. Ellis sighs and runs his hand through his hair. I’m already growing annoyed with his hesitance.

  “So, I have to go to work,” I say my tone insulting, my lips pursed, as I quote his line back at him. “Can you tell me why you want to see me?” I’m crabby and not hearing from Adam only intensifies this feeling. Unfortunately for Ellis, he’s here, so he gets the brunt of my bitchiness.

  “I want to tell you I’m sorry…”

  I cut him off quickly, “Yeah, you already said that.”

  “Please, Leah, don’t be that way. Just hear me out.” I nod my head and he continues. “I’ve made so many mistakes in my relationship with you and for that I’m sorry. I hurt you and that was never my intention. I didn’t realize how much I missed you until you were gone.” He stops and looks at me as if he’s checking to see if his words are affecting me. “I miss the way the house smells of cupcakes when you’re in it. Or the way you sing in the shower in the mornings even though it’s far too early for anyone to be that happy. Leah, I miss your laugh, but most of all, I miss you.”

  I chuckle a little and shake my head. “Ellis, you hate my laugh.”

  “I thought I did, but I was wrong. I can see all that now, Leah and I want you back.”

  I don’t even know how to respond. We sit silently and Ellis folds his hands on the tabletop and wets his lips. Seconds later he moves his hands to his lap and back to the table again. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. My eyes close briefly.

  “Ellis, while I appreciate your apology, did you really think that remembering a few things about me would make me come running back to you?” He looks at me with an almost confused expression. “It doesn’t work that way. You spent two and a half years trying to change me. You broke me down, made me feel like I had done something wrong by being myself. That kind of shit isn’t fixed with an apology and an admission of missing me.” He cocks his head to the side and again his puzzled expression returns. “You don’t miss me,” I say sternly.

  “Yes, I do,” he retorts harshly.

  “You don’t. You miss the idea of me. The idea of having someone around, a girlfriend, a wife, a whatever, but it’s not me. It’s anyone who fits that mold. It won’t be me. Ever.” I smile weakly at him and begin to stand.

  “Where are you going?” Ellis asks, the confusion in his voice apparent.

  “I don’t think there’s anything else to say. I’m sorry if you had some idea in your head of how this was going to go down, but this is it. We’re done.”

  “Really? That’s it?” He’s hurt and it shows in his tone and his body language. I imagined I’d feel guilty, but I don’t. I feel free and in this moment, I think of my dad.

  Just picturing his face makes a soft smile pull at my lips. “When I was a kid, we had this small chalkboard hanging above the telephone, you know to write messages on and stuff. My dad once wrote a quote on there and my mom loved it so much she left it. Wouldn’t let anyone erase it.” I look at Ellis and he remains emotionless. “You know what it said?” I ask, his face showing no sign of recognition.

  Ellis shakes his head. “It said, ‘You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.’ Sound familiar?” I question.

  Again he shakes his head. I can tell by the look on his face that he’s growing impatient with my story. “That chalkboard sat on my nightstand in our condo until the day I left. After my dad died, my mom sprayed it with lacquer, it still looks like the day he wrote it.” I swallow hard because I know what I’m about to say will come across as cruel and probably hurtful. “My reality was never better than my dreams. I’m sorry, Ellis.” With that, I pull the ring from my purse, setting it down on the table, I turn and walk out of the coffee shop. I can’t stop, my legs moving quickly to the safety and comfort of my car.

  Once in my car, I start crying. I don’t know why I’m crying because I feel a total sense of relief at Ellis finally being removed from my life. But what returns is a feeling of loneliness; it fills my chest and makes it hard to breathe. I’m going to be okay without Ellis, I just need to be okay with being alone.

  I can’t stop thinking about Adam as I drive home in a fog. I let myself get too involved. I fell too deep.
I let myself dream, something I swore I would never do. I hope for the dream that will last, the one that will become my reality. But dreams, they’re a funny thing, they come slow and are few and far between, yet they disappear so fast.

  Chapter Eleven

  I check my phone twice on the elevator ride up to Cari’s apartment, but still find nothing from Adam. The only thing that has changed is the ridiculous number of emails I have received in the last three hours. The running total is forty-two and it just makes me want to say, “fuck it” and go lay out in the sun on the roof of the building.

  After spending an hour taking a shower and then making myself eggs benedict, I finally get around to starting up my laptop and checking my email. I start mindlessly clicking through, organizing them into folders and sorting through the ones that need to be answered immediately. I nearly junk the email with the subject heading: Hey Beautiful Girl, until I notice the sender’s name.

  To: leahanderson@simonregal.com

  From: ashiller@downluckdesign.com

  Subject: Hey Beautiful Girl

  Hey Leah. So ridiculous story…I dropped my phone while I was in the airport parking lot and the damn thing just died. I didn’t want you to think I forgot about you. I have an early meeting tomorrow, but I should have a phone after that. I’ll call as soon as I do.

  Btw…I miss the shit out of you.

  Adam

  I laugh out loud at the last line of his email and silently acknowledge my own stupidity and insecurities. Just as I start to respond¸ my phone vibrates.

  Adam: You free?

  Me: Yep

  Seconds later Adam is calling me. My smile is ridiculous making me totally thankful that I’m alone.

  “Hello, boy,” I answer sweetly.

  “Hello, girl,” he says, mimicking my tone. “How are you?” I giggle at his words and he sighs hard into the phone. “I love that laugh.”