My Winter

by Nikki Young

  I look over my shoulder at him and he slides his hands up my back and fists my hair. Yanking back until my head is where he can reach, his mouth connecting with mine and with the first sweep of his tongue, I whimper. My hands grip the sheets, holding on for dear life. I have to fight the urge to scream as he continues kissing me, not giving me anything more.

  He stops and runs his lips along my spine, his tongue and teeth grazing as he goes. His hands softly run the length of my body over and over again, as he takes his time, learning my body. I can’t remember feeling more wanted than I do right now, yet I still want more. I need to feel him inside me. My body aching, my nerves on edge in anticipation as I take a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm me. I spread my legs wider until I feel him right where I need him. Adam runs his hand up the inside of my thigh and my entire body trembles, making Adam groan. I’m helpless to do anything as his fingers skim against me. I need him.

  “Adam, please,” I plead.

  His fingers slip inside me and that’s all it takes. I can’t control my body’s reaction to his touch. I feel myself go over the edge and a half strangled scream leaves my mouth.

  It barely registers that Adam’s fingers have been replaced by what my body has been craving since leaving the bar. I’m in a daze as he continues, moving faster and harder until I’m shouting his name. Pushing up on my hands, my body arches as I move with him. The death grip I have on the sheets does nothing to ease the overstimulation as a surge of pleasure courses through my body again.

  Adam’s body tightens against mine and when my name leaves his lips, I press further into the bed as my body sinks, exhausted and breathless.

  I roll over as Adam lies down next to me. Rolling onto his side, he brushes my hair out of my eyes and places a few tender kisses on my face.

  “You okay?” he asks. Again kissing me softly, this time on my shoulder.

  “Mmmhmm,” I say back hardly able to form a coherent thought. It’s been that way from the moment I met him. Adam has complete control over me and I love it. I need to reevaluate what I consider hot, because since meeting Adam everything he does turns me on.

  I run my fingernails up his chest and a throaty groan leaves his lips. “Leah, you drive me crazy,” he says before kissing me again.

  Pulling me into his arms, I allow myself to feel comfort, to feel wanted, but most all I feel loved. I’m not an idiot, there’s something between us. A spark, an attraction, a connection that is far stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. I know he feels it too. The feeling intense and obsessive. Is it lust or something more? Right now, everything in me is screaming that I love this man.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I love the quietness afterward, lying in bed with Adam, neither of us needing to fill the silence. His hand is lazily running through my hair and both of us are sated. My mom once told me that only people who are truly comfortable could sit together in complete silence. I never understood what she meant. At the time I was young, a child, and silence was too quiet and I was impatient. In this moment with Adam it all makes sense, no words need to be spoken. But now I realize that silence has a sound, you just need to listen. It’s the sound of Adam’s slow breathing, the beating of his heart as I rest my ear against his chest. It’s the way that when neither person speaks, they’re drawn closer together. There’s eloquence and beauty and comfort in silence.

  For some reason I think of Ellis, maybe it’s the quiet that has allowed my thoughts to wander. I think of him and Adam and know that silence can also bring lies. The cruelest lie of all is the one I won’t admit out loud.

  I need to tell him, but the words get caught in my throat. That’s when Adam speaks.

  “I forgot to tell you,” he says softly as not to disturb the silence. “I’m going to the Bears game with your brothers tomorrow.”

  “What?” I practically shout and Adam startles a little.

  Adam starts speaking immediately following my slightly inappropriate reaction. “I just found out while we were out with Cari and Jimmy. Your brother wasn’t sure he could get tickets, but his buddy came through.”

  I sit up and stare at him. I don’t know what to think so I blurt out, “My brothers don’t hang out with my boyfriends.”

  “Okay,” he says dryly. “Do you not want me to go?”

  “No. Maybe. I don’t know,” I say not making any sense. “It’s just this has never happened before. They asked you to go?”

  “Yes, Leah. Tommy asked me. You’re kinda insulting me here, but either way, I’m going.” Adam reaches for me pulling me back to where I was once resting against him. “Now stop being weird.” He laughs as I try to decide if I’m okay with this. I should be. I’ve always wanted my brothers to accept my boyfriends; I just never expected it to happen so easily. This should just go to show me that in the past it just wasn’t right.

  “Sorry,” I apologize. “I totally overreacted. It’s just that my brothers can be jerks. It surprised me.”

  “It’s fine,” Adam responds casually. “There’s one more thing.” He pauses and presses a kiss on the top of my head. “We’re going to miss Sunday dinner.”

  “Oh,” I say but it comes out a little defeated. I don’t know why I feel somewhat hurt by this. We have always had dinner out of respect for my dad, but it’s been twenty-two years and change can be a good thing. In recognizing that, I see that Adam has brought change to not only me, but my family too. I’m not sure how I should feel about it.

  The next afternoon Adam leaves for the game, kissing me good-bye with a smile on his face. He can tell I’m nervous and it makes him laugh.

  “Why are you so nervous?” he questions as he sits down next to me on the couch.

  “I don’t know. I’m being stupid.” I shake my head and Adam smiles again. “I just want you to like them, but even more, I want them to like you. They’ve hated everyone I’ve dated, which I get because they were all dicks, but you’re different.” I look away and Adam reaches over and runs his fingers over my cheek making me turn to look at him. I smile shyly as he leans in and kisses me again.

  “I understand,” he says and by the look in his eyes, he gets it. “It’s going to be just fine.” With that, he leaves.

  Not sure what to do with my Sunday evening since it’s generally consumed with dinner at my mom’s, I do what I’ve done for what seems like forever. I drive to my mom’s house to hopefully have dinner with her.

  Opening her front door, I find her sitting on the couch reading a book. This is totally unlike the mom I grew up with. After my dad died she was always doing something, whether it was laundry or cooking or working at the bakery, she never stopped. It was almost as if she had to keep moving or the reality would hit her.

  She puts her book down on the end table and smiles at me as I stand in the doorway feeling as if I’m intruding on something. It dawns on me that I know very little about my mom and what she does when she’s alone. I guess selfishly I don’t imagine her being alone or lonely, because it would only solidify the fact that my father left her to cope with a life that didn’t involve him. The harsh reality of it all hits me, making me feel lonely, making me feel like my father abandoned her and her children have now done the same. I begin to get choked up and the smile drops from my mom’s face.

  “Leah, are you okay?” she asks, her face puzzled. “What are you doing here? I thought we weren’t having dinner tonight?”

  I don’t even know how to respond. I stand there staring at her, confused and wondering why everyone in my family is okay with everything. Fine with missing Sunday dinner, fine with Adam, fine with my mom reading books on her couch, fine with me leaving Ellis. So much change, yet I’m the only one who can’t deal.

  “I don’t know,” I say as I start to cry. I’m overwhelmed.

  “Oh, Leah, it’s okay. I know this is the first dinner in, well, God, must be ten years that we haven’t all been together. But that’s a good thing.”

  We meet in the middle of the living roo
m and I rest my head on her shoulder as she wraps her arms around me. Even at thirty-two years old I still find her presence soothing.

  “I know,” I sniff.

  She steps back and smiles softly. Taking my face in her hands, she shakes her head. “Leah, I know you’re struggling with what you feel for Adam, but I told you before, it’s okay to love him. Everything about Adam is right, you need to recognize that and stop stressing about things being different. In this case, different is good.”

  It’s like she can read me like a book. Somehow she knows I can’t admit what I feel for Adam, because there is uncertainty in it all.

  She sighs and almost seems angry with me as she runs her hands through her hair. She opens her mouth to speak, but decides against it. Then she walks away without speaking and I know she’s angry with me, but I don’t understand why.

  “Ma?” I call, following her into her bedroom. “Are you mad at me?”

  She’s sitting on her bed with tears in her eyes. Wiping them away quickly like she always does as I sit down next to her. She won’t let me see her cry. She doesn’t want to appear weak. She turns and looks at me, her expression softening.

  “No, Leah, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I created this problem,” she says shaking her head.

  “What problem?” I question, wondering what she’s talking about.

  “When your father died, I was so consumed with grief, but I was also consumed with sheltering you from the reality of it all. I didn’t realize it at the time, but you watched me fall apart. You saw into my soul and my heart. You saw my heartbreak and my anger and my sorrow. You saw what it was like to love someone with no reservations, but then you saw what it was like to lose that. And I guess in the end, I didn’t emphasize enough that although it hurt and still does, love should be the deciding factor in everything you do.”

  Her words make me think of Adam and how he makes me feel. Weak and vulnerable, leaving me open to the thought of loving him, but also the thought of losing him too.

  “I want to love him. I want everything that is in front of me, but I have so much worry,” I tell her. My eyes fill with tears. I don’t want her to feel this way about herself. I can’t even imagine all the burdens she carries.

  “Then do it,” she says forcefully. “What I failed to show you is that no matter what, I loved your father and he loved me. I wouldn’t change a thing because what I had with him was real. The love I felt far outweighs the grief and even though it sometimes doesn’t appear that way, I cry because I loved him so much, not because I miss him.” She stops and takes my hand in hers, which only makes me cry harder.

  “You can’t keep living your life wondering if something bad is going to happen. It will consume you, Leah. Live for each moment you have, especially with the people you love. Make wonderful memories and be happy, laugh and cry and share, but most of all love, so that in the end you can say that your reality is far better than your dreams.”

  We’re both sobbing and I can’t find the words to tell her that she’s somehow made my world clearer, like she’s lived it too.

  “Thank you,” I stammer out through broken breaths. Leaning over, I hug her hard and she returns it. It makes me smile and I feel like we’re both going to be all right.

  “Now go home and wait for Adam,” she says with a quick nod of her head. “Tell him you love him and enjoy the feeling that comes with it.”

  I hop off the bed and giggle as I make my way out of the bedroom and to the front door. Stopping with my hand on the doorknob, I turn back to her. “Hey, Ma?”

  “Yeah, Leah?”

  “I still haven’t told Adam about Ellis.”

  “Oh, Leah,” she sighs. “Where did I go wrong with you?” Shaking her head again, she chuckles a little. “Fix it and fix it tonight.”

  “I will,” I say as I leave. Things change tonight.

  But when Adam arrives home later that evening, I realize it’s not going to happen.

  After a series of rhythmic knocks, I open the door to Adam’s apartment and find my brother Joe standing there with Adam leaning up against the doorjamb and my other brother Tommy barfing in a garbage can outside the elevator. This is not how I expected my night to end.

  “Get in here,” I tell them, pushing the door open fully and stepping aside so the three of them can stumble through. “Do I need to call you a cab?” I ask Joe since clearly he’s the only one who’s sober enough to have a conversation with.

  “No, Meg’s coming to get us.” Joe flops down on the couch while Tommy retreats to the bathroom.

  “Great,” I mutter, as Adam falls against me in some attempt at a hug. I laugh and wrap my arms around his waist. “Who’s the boozy one now?” I ask pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose.

  Tommy emerges from the bathroom looking rough and Adam and Joe both laugh.

  “Blame it on him,” Adam says, his words coming out sloppy as he points to Tommy.

  “Oh, trust me, I do,” I reply narrowing my eyes at Tommy.

  “What?” Tommy mumbles while attempting to sound insulted by my comment. “You know it’s not tailgating if I don’t barf. And we had to initiate Adam into the family.” Tommy gives Adam a shove and the two of them stagger but catch their balance. “You two ever breakup, we get to keep Adam. He’s more fun than you.”

  “You’re lucky I don’t kick you out for that comment,” I shoot back as Tommy yanks me into his arms and mockingly says, “ I love you, Leah.”

  “I love you, too, but you’re a real pain in the ass.”

  Joe’s phone chimes and he announces that Meagan is waiting downstairs. Thankful, I usher my drunken brothers to the door, kiss them both and send them on their way.

  I turn back to Adam who is half asleep and resting against the wall. I smile and laugh a little. He looks completely ridiculous, yet stupidly adorable all at the same time.

  “I’m sorry, baby,” he slurs only making me laugh more. “I’m so drunk.”

  “I know you are. Now let’s go to bed.” I push up on my tiptoes and kiss him before grabbing his hand and leading him into the bedroom.

  Pulling off his t-shirt and jeans, Adam falls into bed. His hair is disheveled and he smells of cigarettes and beer, he’s mumbling as I climb into bed next to him. His hands reach for me, groping my body clumsily, which only makes me laugh. When he finally grabs ahold of me, he pulls me close. I can feel the heat of his body, his skin against mine and even in this state, he’s still amazing.

  He says my name three times and each time I ask, “What?” On that third time he mumbles, “You know I love you. I do. Why don’t you love me?” The anguish in his voice nearly wrecks me. I want to tell him, I want to scream it, make sure he knows that I loved him before I even knew him. He was meant to find me in that bar, because a love like this isn’t something you create, you’re born with it. What you do with it is up to you. I choose to fall. I choose to love. I choose to lose myself in him and know that fate stepped in and made my heart see that all my life I was missing someone and it was Adam. Without words I try to show him how much I love him, because saying it tonight would be fruitless.

  I place my hands on his face, running my fingers down his cheeks, to his neck and stopping at his chest. I kiss his forehead and his mouth and his neck before saying, “Oh, Adam, we have so much to talk about, but now’s not the right time. Go to sleep, love.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  One week later and I still haven’t mentioned Ellis even though it’s always on my mind. A lie that won’t let me forget, it never goes away. Also there is the fact that I still haven’t said those three little words to Adam. I want to, just like I want to tell him about Ellis, yet they both stay stuck.

  We’re boarding the plane for Charlotte when Adam says; “I have a surprise for you.” His grin is mischievous.

  “I’m not doing it with you in an airplane bathroom,” I respond immediately, rolling my eyes. I stuff my
suitcase in the overhead bin just as Adam pinches my ass. “Adam, get control of yourself,” I quip in an authoritative voice, but it does nothing but add to his flirtations.

  “Your bossiness only makes me want to shove my hand down your pants and make you scream my name,” he whispers while leaning against my back.

  I flop into my seat and exhale hard. Adam seats himself next to me taking my hand in his. He brings my hand to his lips and kisses each one of my fingers.

  “Sorry, sweets,” he says. “You know how much I enjoy getting you worked up.” He winks at me and laughs a little bit. “So back to my surprise.”

  I interrupt him quickly. “No surprises, Adam. You asking me to come and then paying for my ticket is enough of a surprise.”

  I lay my head against his shoulder as he places a kiss on the top of my head. Looping my arms through his I close my eyes as he begins to speak again.

  “Leah, I just want you happy. I want to make you smile. I want to hear you laugh.”

  Lifting my head, making eye contact with Adam so he understands just how happy he makes me, I smile at him. “Adam, you make me happier than anyone ever has.” I mean every word of it. I have never fallen so hard for someone, felt so much happiness, wanted to be with someone like I do with Adam.

  “So, what’s the surprise?” I ask sheepishly a few minutes later.

  Adam chuckles and kisses my hand again. “I knew you couldn’t hold out.”

  I grab his face between my hands and kiss him hard. “Don’t be mean,” I whisper against his lips. “Just tell me.”

  “I was able to move some things around, so all my meetings will be over by Thursday morning. My last one is at nine on Thursday.”