My Winter

by Nikki Young

  “Who the fuck was that? Are you engaged?” He sounds disgusted with me and I don’t blame him.

  I stumble over my words, but it doesn’t matter, he’s not listening to me. His anger has overshadowed any chance of me getting through to him. “No,” I say, realizing it’s another lie. “Yes,” I mumble, crying hard. “I was, but…” Adam cuts me short.

  “Don’t even bother with what comes after,” he shouts and I want to cower. “I’ve heard all I need to hear.” He scrubs his hands over his face and shakes his head. “You lied to me, Leah,” he says softly, his voice barely audible over the sounds of the cars passing by on the highway. He shakes his head again and begins to walk toward his car.

  “I didn’t lie, Adam,” I say but it comes out more demanding and insistent than I intend. I cringe when he whips around to face me.

  “Yes, you did!” he screams and I stumble backward. His raised voice scares me and I want to go to him, wrap my arms around him and apologize. “You fucking hid this shit from me.” His hand gestures toward the door to the apartment.

  “I didn’t hide it from you. He’s not important. There was nothing to tell.” Even as I say this I know it’s not true. I just want to diffuse the situation. Ellis was important. He was a huge part of how I ended up with Adam.

  “Obviously he is important. He was down on his knee in the lobby of your building. He was asking you to fucking marry him, Leah!” Adam is shouting again and my eyes instinctively move to my feet. I can’t look at him. “Do you think I’m stupid? Naïve? You played me. You set me up to look like an asshole and guess what? It worked.” His words come out in a strangled hiss through gritted teeth. His voice scares me. I’ve never heard such harshness to it, such anger and disgust. He barely pauses to let me speak, not that I deserve it.

  I want to tell him I don’t think he’s stupid or naïve. Maybe I’m the one who’s stupid. I thought I could hide this from him, act as if Ellis didn’t exist and that I was never engaged. I want to yell out, tell him everything I feel inside, tell him the truth, but it stays trapped. The words I need to say are unable to leave my mouth, my thoughts a blur, my heart beating violently in my chest as he waits for my response. Seconds pass but it feels like hours. The time ticking by, each moment an opportunity for me, yet I let it pass me by. I look up at Adam, my eyes filled with tears, pathetic and hurt and embarrassed, I want him to hold me. I need to feel his arms around me. But I deserve nothing at this point. I can’t answer him. I can’t defend myself.

  Adam shakes his head, his eyes narrow and his jaw is clenched when he speaks. “You gotta do better than this, Leah. I need an explanation. No, fuck that. I don’t. I told you to always be honest with me, and you fucked me over.”

  Adam storms away and I have to jog to catch up with him. I grab his arm and he pulls away from me. Seeing the hurt in his eyes and the way he pulls away from me almost kills me. I hate it. I hate myself.

  “Listen, Leah,” he says more composed, but still accusatory. “It’s not like we love each other or anything, right?” He shrugs his shoulders and stares me down. When he catches my eyes, I see it. Hope. Hope that I will finally admit it out loud. He needs me to say it, but when faced with the truth, the severity of it all, I still can’t say the words out loud. He’s waiting for an answer and this is the perfect opportunity to tell him he’s wrong. I do love him. But something about admitting that right now seems like I’m just saying it to right what has gone wrong. It seems hypocritical and disingenuous.

  “Right,” I say, clenching my teeth as soon as the word leaves my mouth. I know I’ve lost him.

  He nods his head and climbs into his car without a word.

  I’m shaking as the cold air lashes against my skin. I breathe in and the cold rips through my nose, burning my throat and filling my lungs with ice. I stand on the sidewalk unsure of where to go or what to do when it begins to snow. Slow white flakes lingering in the air, dancing in the wind as if set to music. The haunting song of snow, showing up as if it can recognize my hurt, so avoiding it all, I just start walking.

  My feet are already turning cold, my face burning as the snow lands softly on every part of me. Covering the ground, I watch it take over, like it knows that it somehow owns me, controls me and ruins whatever I have that might still have some good left in it.

  The streets are dark and desolate, no signs of life anywhere. Winter causes people to run and hide. It’s evil like that. But tonight, being home is worse than being out in the cold. I deserve to be miserable. Punishing myself, I walk for what feels like hours. The bitter cold is biting at my skin, but still I keep walking, like it will somehow correct what has happened.

  When I finally make my way back to the apartment, Ellis is still there waiting for me. I instantly picture his stupid ass on his knees begging me to marry him. I want to blame him for everything. He ruined my relationship with Adam. If it wasn’t for him showing up out of nowhere, I wouldn’t be in this situation, but I know better than this. I want to blame him so I don’t have to blame myself.

  I’m freezing and my thoughts are totally irrational. Staring at Ellis through the glass doors of the lobby, I know I could end all this pain by just agreeing to marry him. This would all be over if I just say yes to him and go back to my old life. The life that kept me even, emotionless and broken. I don’t want to feel anymore, but what I had with Adam was real, and running back to Ellis only solidifies my disrespect for Adam and what we had.

  The only reason Ellis is still here is because he knows I don’t cope well with these types of situations. He wants to swoop in and pick up the pieces, make himself look like he cares, when in actuality it’s all about him, what he can gain from my loss. It’s funny the clarity I have watching him through the doors. He wants me now. He’s pursuing me, but in the end, I don’t need him. I never did.

  I can’t stop shaking, I don’t know if it’s from the cold or the fact that I just watched my life crumble in front of my eyes. I let Adam walk away. I do what I always do and I didn’t fight for it. He gave me the perfect opportunity, like he was baiting me to admit it; using my insecurities against me, but it backfired and I did what I always do. I didn’t fight. I shut down.

  I push through the door and stand frigid in the lobby of the building not entirely sure what to do. The doorman is staring at me as if I might lose my shit any second and he’s probably right. I haven’t cried, I’m numb, but I know it’s coming. I look at Ellis quickly and brush past him as if I don’t know him. Staggering over to the elevator bank, I press the button and when the door fails to open instantly, I press it again.

  I can see Ellis staring at me out of the corner of my eye. I don’t know how to respond, so I give the only appropriate response I can muster. Without looking at him I quickly say, “Go home, Ellis. Just go home.” I sound defeated and I am. I’m broken. I don’t even know if he leaves because I can’t bring myself to look.

  A second later when the elevator still hasn’t opened, I’m jabbing at the button with far too much force as a couple walks up behind me. She’s giggling and he’s whispering in her ear. They both stop suddenly and take me in. I’m soaked and shaking, at this point I’m holding my shoes in my hands and my makeup has undoubtedly been running down my face.

  The elevator door slides open and I step in, but the couple remains. The doors close and the whispering begins. I’m used to it by now. It’s something you never get over. People whispering behind your back, even when they don’t know you. It happened after my father died, it continued every time a siren blared and I had a panic attack. It happened when a horn would honk a little too long and I would shake. But worst of all, it would happen when I’d wake screaming in the night. I hate the judgment and the pity it brings.

  Cari’s on the couch watching TV when I walk in and when she turns to look at me, I break down. I strip off my clothes, throwing them onto the floor of my bedroom and climb into bed.

  “Leah, what the hell?” Cari calls. She follows me into my bedro
om and flips the light on.

  “Not now, Cari. Adam and I broke up and I can’t deal with it right now.”

  “Like hell you can’t. Get up and go get your boy back. I don’t know what happened, but Leah, he’s perfect and I’m not gonna let you fuck this up.”

  I roll away from her because I can’t even begin to explain to her how badly I screwed this up. “Just back the fuck off, please.”

  Cari laughs, “Thanks for adding the please, but no, I won’t fuck off. Just tell me what happened and then go fix it.”

  I huff loudly, but know there’s no sense in trying to avoid her. “Fine, just don’t say I told you so. Got it?”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” She props herself on her elbow, lying next to me, she squints her eyes at me like she knows there’s more to the story.

  “I never told him about Ellis,” I say and I close my eyes waiting for her to lay into me.

  “And you decided to do it now? Well, that was stupid. Ellis hasn’t even been around for months now.”

  “I know. I got a few texts and voicemails from him, but those were a while ago. I just ignored him. Deleted his texts. Never listened to the messages.” I shrug my shoulders like it’s nothing when I know damn well by not responding I only added to his incessant need to gain a response from me. This was the way our relationship was. It was our game. A stupid one at that. When one of us ignored the other, it only added fuel to the fire. I shake my head knowing how completely out of hand I let this get. “He showed up here out of nowhere and begged me to marry him.” I cover my face with my hands and groan. “God, Cari, it was so fucking bad. Adam walked in on stupid Ellis on his knees. It was ugly.”

  “Well shit, Leah. What did you expect the boy to do? You lied to him for the past few months.” The way she accuses me makes me angry.

  “I didn’t lie to him!” I shout. “I just didn’t mention it. An omission?”

  “Don’t get pissed at me!” she shouts back. “You’re the one who screwed up. Go make it right. And FYI, you did lie. Call it what you want to make yourself feel better.” Cari rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling for a few seconds. “Go make it right,” she says quietly.

  I know she’s right. I’ve never fought for anything in my life because nothing ever mattered enough. Until now.

  I pull myself together, forcing my still damp legs into a pair of jeans. I whip my hair into a bun and slip a t-shirt over my head. Throwing on my winter coat in an attempt to be better prepared for the weather and the fact that I might possibly be standing outside Adam’s apartment in the snow.

  I call Adam as I’m starting the car. And when he doesn’t answer, I call again. This time leaving a message that is so laced with desperation it’s not even funny.

  “Please, Adam,” I whine into the phone. “Will you please pick up? Please. I need you to talk to me.” I ramble on adding in a few more pleases; yet something about it doesn’t fully say what I need to say. I may sound desperate, but begging for forgiveness will do me no good. I need more than words to back up what I’ve done. I need a hell of an explanation.

  It takes me a while to find a parking spot and during this time I’ve sent Adam a text to let him know I’m outside his apartment. I have a key and I could just let myself in, but I won’t. I don’t know why I’ve continued to pursue this when he obviously has no intention of responding. I do know why. I need him. I need what we have together. Without him I feel incomplete. Something that I’ve never known, but realize I can’t live without.

  Just as I’m entering the lobby to his apartment building, my phone alerts me to a message.

  Adam: Big or small, a lie is a lie, Leah.

  I can feel myself get choked up and the tears begin.

  Me: Please let me explain.

  My phone rings and it’s Adam. I begin to sob before I have the chance to answer.

  “You have five minutes, Leah,” he says sternly.

  “Okay,” I say sucking back the urge to wail into the phone. “Can I come up?”

  “No. If I see you I’ll just give in.” Something about his words gives me hope that he can forgive me. “Just say what you have to say.”

  “I’m sorry,” I weep and that’s all I can manage.

  “Sorry for what, Leah?” His tone is harsh and critical. “Sorry you got caught? Sorry you lied to me? Sorry you led me on?” The more he speaks the angrier he gets. “Or sorry I found out? Or the worst, sorry you made me fall in love with you?”

  “None of those. I’m sorry I hurt you,” I say through sobs. Adam’s apartment lobby is like a revolving door with people coming and going. A small group of people waiting for the elevator stare at me as I slide down the wall into a heap on the floor. I need to leave, but I am holding out hope that Adam will let me up.

  “I’m still really fucking pissed, Leah. I don’t want to say something I’m going to regret.” He breathes hard into the phone.

  “Please don’t go. I need to make this right,” I beg.

  “I’m waiting, but you really aren’t convincing me.”

  “Adam, I don’t know what to say. I don’t do this kind of thing. I hate conflict and confrontation. I usually bail before it gets to this point.”

  “Well, Leah,” Every time he says my name it’s like a knife in my stomach. I cringe hard. “I suggest you get your shit together because you obviously haven’t thought this through or figured out what you want.”

  “Obviously I do know what I want. I’m here, aren’t I?”

  “Leah, I can’t do this,” he says contritely and it stings. I can’t believe I took something that was so simple, so unforced and comfortable and turned it into this. He won’t talk to me, hell; he won’t even look at me.

  He hangs up and I pull myself off the floor, shuffling back to my car. The cold air hits hard as I exit the building, it freezes my tears to my face. It burns my cheeks and makes me remember once again that winter is bitter and takes all it can.

  My entire body aches. A painful tightening in my chest, like my heart is dying. I’m weak and exhausted. I feel like I could die of a broken heart. It hurts, more so than I ever thought possible. And not just because I’ve lost Adam, but because of what I did to him. I’m a terrible person.

  I start the car and wait for the heat to kick in. I give it one last shot and I call Adam. Aggressive? Probably. Needy? Absolutely. But his words hit hard, “Sorry you made me fall in love with you.” There’s a small glimmer of hope in there.

  His voicemail picks up and for some reason it’s easier for me to say it all when it’s not actually him.

  “Adam, I love you,” I say instantly when given the opportunity. My whole body stings and then feels like it’s burning. “I’ve never fallen so hard. I should have let you in, been honest with you, but you came into my life by accident. I never expected to find you while my life was such a mess. I was engaged, but I was unhappy and broken and sad. You saved me from all that. Until you I never wanted to let anyone love me, let alone fall in love. With you it all fell apart. You ruined me, Adam. You forced me to let my guard down. You made it okay for me to fall in love. You took away everything that I worked so hard to keep in place. I’m not walking away, don’t ever think that, but I need closure. Please know I’ll always want you. Adam, I never meant for you to get hurt.” I have to pull the phone away from my ear because the crying is picking up and soon I’ll be incoherent. “I’m sorry,” I say although the shakiness in my voice is giving me away.

  I don’t expect a response or at least that’s what I’m telling myself, but I know I need it to move on. Exhausted, I start to drive back home, secretly praying for Adam to give me something. I miss him already.

  Chapter Twenty

  I drive aimlessly staring out the window; my hands limp on the steering wheel as I blindly make my way home. I thought I would feel some relief after confessing to Adam how I feel, but it’s not there. I couldn’t see his face, hear his voice, touch him, anything that would give me an idea of how he w
as feeling. Leaving the message did nothing. My head begins to feel as if it’s spinning, I can’t seem to get control; everything around me is foggy like I’m stuck in a dream. A terrible nightmare.

  Stopping at a red light, I watch the tiny snowflakes fall and gather on the windows of my car. Clinging as if what they seek may disappear at any moment. Each one unique and beautiful, you hear people say, but beauty can be deceiving. I find no beauty in winter and after today; I not only have my father’s death forever associated with snow, I now have the pain and guilt of losing Adam linked to it. Snow is unforgiving and cruel.

  Arriving home after what feels like the longest drive of my life, I drag my mentally and physically exhausted body through the door. I step into the bathroom, bending down to wash my face, ridding my body of this awful day, my eyes glance at the small object resting haphazardly on the counter top.

  Thrown and landing strangely, it rests upside down on top of a washcloth at an angle. Without turning it over, without picking it up, I know exactly what it is.

  Cari obviously thinks she’s pregnant and I secretly hope she is. I need some good news, something to overshadow this mess I’ve found myself in. Not just that though, but also the thought of the permanence this will bring to Cari and Jimmy’s relationship.

  Knowing this is hers to share, I leave the test where it lies. Calling to Cari from the bathroom, “Hey, Care? This your pregnancy test?”

  She appears in the doorway to the bathroom. And although she doesn’t seem the least bit surprised by my finding the test, I can tell by the look on her face she’s astonished by the results. Obviously unplanned and unequipped, she stumbles over her words as she tries to speak.

  “Well,” she laughs slightly, but the comedic tone is lost. “Guess I got myself, well, whatever.” She rolls her eyes and tosses the test into the garbage.