My Winter

by Nikki Young

  “I gotta go,” he says and kisses my head.

  “Okay,” I reply. “Tell your mom I say ‘hi’ and I hope everything is okay with your grandpa.”

  “I will. I’ll call you as soon as I land.” He pulls me into his embrace once again. “Stop worrying. I’ll miss you terribly, but go, take care of your meetings, kick ass and be waiting in my bed when I get home.” He runs his lips along my cheek and when he reaches my ear, the hair on the back of my neck stands on end. “You better be naked, because trust me when I say I’m going to need to fuck you.”

  I smile and giggle into his coat. “Anything for you,” I tell him seductively. Pulling back, I bite down on my bottom lip and smirk at him.

  “Leah,” he growls, “stop before I decide to take you home and fuck you right now.”

  I press my entire body against his, feeling just how turned on he is. Poor boy. “I’ll be waiting. Naked and wet.” I mutter, running my tongue along his bottom lip. “Now, don’t you have a plane to catch?”

  “You’re a fucking tease,” he hisses as he grips me tighter.

  “Always,” I say and he smiles at me.

  We kiss quickly and he pulls me in for one last hug. As I’m cradled against him my nose roots along the collar of his coat taking in his smell. I love it and I love him.

  He begins to walk away, looking over his shoulder; he smiles and says, “Bye, Leah. I’m gonna miss the shit out of you.” And gives me that heart stopping smile and a wink.

  “Hey, Adam,” I shout as he nears the door. He turns to look at me with those beautiful eyes and the words get caught in my throat. “I... I... L...” I stop and swallow hard. “I’ll miss you too.”

  I see his smile drop, but he picks it back up quickly as if he’s not disappointed. He saw the look on my face, our eyes connected, but I couldn’t say it.

  He gives me a flick of his hand as a good bye and he disappears into a sea of people as he enters the airport.

  I climb into the car and I want to beat my head against the steering wheel. I’m an idiot! Why can’t I just tell him? I told Ellis every day for almost two and a half years without fail. Never stumbling over my words, never wondering what the reaction would be when I did. I never truly loved Ellis, that’s what made those three words mindless and pointless when I said them to him. I didn’t realize it at the time, but there were no feelings or emotion attached to them. With Adam it’s real and emotional and when faced with the reality of it, saying it means I want more. I want everything with Adam.

  I drive home from the airport with the radio blaring and my thoughts wandering. I can’t stop thinking about Adam when David Gray’s “This Years Love” begins playing through the speakers. I smile and know that with Adam I want forever. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.

  I’m heading back to Cari’s, which feels far less like my home than Adam’s place, so I exit the highway and head to Adam’s apartment instead, placing a call to Cari as I make my way there. She picks up, sounding winded and somewhat annoyed, she responds with, “Hey. What do you want?”

  “Hi, love,” I answer back sweetly knowing full well I’m interrupting her and Jimmy. “I just wanted to bother you while you’re obviously being naughty.”

  “Yep,” she replies giggling out Jimmy’s name before asking, “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Just wanted to tell you I’m staying at Adam’s tonight.”

  “All right. Love you.”

  “Love you. Be good.”

  Cari giggles again before hanging up. I love that she’s happy and I love it even more that it’s Jimmy who makes her that way.

  The apartment is quiet and dark when I return. It’s been a long time since I’ve been alone and I’m not even sure what to do with my time. I open the refrigerator, taking out a beer, I hold the door open a few seconds longer before closing it.

  I twist the cap off the beer, lean back against the counter and take a long drink.

  Smiling to myself and looking around Adam’s apartment, I say out loud, “This is my life.” I couldn’t be happier. The only thing that would make this night better is if Adam were standing next to me.

  I sit down on the couch with a bag of chips and my beer, curling my legs underneath me, I turn on the TV. Flipping through the channels, stopping periodically to eat a chip or take a drink, I relish in the normalcy of a quiet home where I can relax and enjoy myself. I watch the last hour of a movie and finish off my second beer before I decide to take a bath.

  Before hitting the bathroom, I grab another beer from the fridge. I take it with me and set it down on the side of the tub. I start the water and strip of my clothes.

  I slip into the warm water and close my eyes. I feel for my phone that I placed next to my beer, so that I can listen to some music. In the quiet of the bathroom, the music begins to echo creating a calming feeling.

  After an hour, the water is growing cold, but my phone rings. Without looking I know it’s Adam. I answer the phone with a breathy, “Hi, baby.”

  “Hi, beautiful girl,” he says back. “I’m here.”

  “Good. I worry, you know. How’s your grandpa?”

  “He’s doing okay. Not sure what’s going on right now. We’re waiting for some test results to come back.” He pauses a second and laughs a little, “You worry about everything, but it’s adorable.”

  Just the sound of his voice makes my body take notice. It’s acutely aware of everything about him. He pauses for a second and I hear a door close.

  “Where are you?” I ask.

  “At my parents house. In my childhood bedroom. It’s kinda creepy, although it doesn’t look the same, it still feels the same.”

  “Nice. I imagine that’s weird. I haven’t slept at my mom’s house in at least ten years.” After saying it, the thought makes me uneasy. I can’t imagine sleeping in my old room at her house. It still holds some terrible memories.

  I must have been quiet longer than I realize because I hear Adam call my name.

  “Leah?” he questions.

  “Yeah, sorry,” I respond back.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m taking a bath.”

  “Oh,” is all he says before there is a brief period of silence. “Are you at my house?” he asks lowering his voice till it comes out all throaty.

  “Yes. Why?” But I know why. He wants to know if I’m alone. He doesn’t need to say it. The hum that floats through my body lets me know exactly what he’s thinking. The sound of his low, raspy voice turns me on and I feel my thighs tighten. I need to be touched.

  “Oh, you need to hear me say it?” he asks with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

  “Yes Adam. I want to hear you say it,” I answer, my tone completely sexual.

  “Because I want you naked and in my bed.”

  I pull the plug and the water begins to drain from the bathtub. Stepping out, I run a towel quickly over my body. I make my way to the bed and slip under the sheets.

  “So tell me Adam, what is it about me that turns you on?” I hear the words leave my mouth and I can’t believe it’s me saying them. I’m about to have phone sex with Adam. What is he doing to me? Whatever it is, I don’t want it to ever stop.

  I hold my breath waiting for an answer as my heart thumps wildly in my chest.

  “Your neck,” he says. “Just the thought of running my tongue down it makes me rock hard.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. Your fucking sexy neck,” Adam groans making me writhe under the sheets. “It’s perfect. I want to lick it, suck it, run my teeth along it.”

  All I can picture is Adam’s mouth, his tongue running down my neck, his teeth grazing that spot under my ear. I feel my body grow warm and a fire builds between my thighs.

  “Are you hard now?” I ask without any embarrassment, wondering if the three beers I’ve had have somehow taken away my ability to filter my thoughts. No one will hear this conversation and right now my only concern is ending the urge that has ta
ken over my body.

  “So. Fucking. Hard,” he whispers and each word comes out as a growl. “I can see you naked and in my bed. Your body still damp and I want to run my tongue over every inch of you.”

  “Adam,” I moan into the phone, as my hips begin to move involuntarily.

  “Are you wet, Leah?” I nod my head knowing he can’t see me and his voice turns domineering. “Tell me, Leah. Don’t be a tease.”

  “Yes, Adam. I’m so wet.” My voice strained. “Tell me what else you like about me.”

  “I love your mouth,” he says sensually. His voice is like sex; each word pushes me closer to the edge. “The way your lips swell when you’re turned on. It gives you away and makes me want to sink my teeth into the bottom one.”

  I can’t get enough of his teeth on my lip. He knows this and thinking about it makes me squirm even more.

  Again I moan out his name and he asks, “Are you touching yourself?”

  “Yes,” I whisper breathlessly and a whimper leaves my lips as my hips rise up off the bed. I need more, and using my hand, I try to find relief.

  “God, you’re going to fucking kill me, Leah.” His breathing is hard and labored as it reverberates through the phone. “I want to be where your hand is,” he murmurs. “I want to spend hours there making you come, making you scream my name.”

  My breathing increases and soon I’m panting. “Every time you swear it turns me on even more,” I moan, feeling myself tingle as I near the end. “Adam, I’m going to come.”

  “Then stop teasing me and fucking do it,” he says harshly.

  All I can hear is the sound of my heavy breathing and the moans and gasps that escape my lips when I whisper, “I want you to come with me.”

  “Try and stop me.”

  In that split second, I forget everything as my body becomes rigid, every nerve ignites and I come hard. I cry out his name followed by a breathy “fuck” as my body falls weak and relaxed.

  On the other end all I hear is panting and a moan of my name on Adam’s lips.

  The line falls silent as we both find our words. My breathing slows as does Adam’s and he chuckles into the phone.

  “You okay?” I ask.

  “Yes, Leah, my beautiful worrier. If you must know, I’m more than okay. I haven’t come that hard since I was in high school.”

  I giggle and Adam sighs hard. “What?” I question.

  “You have no idea what you do to me. Just the sound of your voice, the tone of your laugh, can bring me to my knees.” He sighs hard again. “Now I’m the one who’s worried,” he whispers and the sound rushes through my ear. It’s like he’s next to me. Goose bumps line my skin and my fingers ache to touch him.

  “Why?” I mutter almost fearful of his answer. I want it all with him, but the thought terrifies me. It’s all so real.

  “Because I feel myself falling for you,” he says, and each word, each sound as it escapes his mouth screams that he loves me.

  My heart has gone silent in my chest; my breathing halted as my mind finally catches up. I realize I’m smiling; yet I feel tears fall from the corners of my eyes.

  “Adam?” I ask through a shaky voice.

  “Yes, Leah?” he replies.

  I pause, the silence is far too telling. I’m stalling; trying to find the right words, knowing the only words to fill the silence are “I love you”.

  “Adam,” I repeat, again sounding hoarse and weak. “I...I...I...know exactly how you feel.”

  Well fuck me if that’s not what comes out of my mouth. A poor excuse for a reply and pretty much a complete let down. I know this when I hear the defeat in Adam’s voice. He’s waiting for me to say it and I can’t. I’m the one with the hang-up not him.

  A few seconds pass before he speaks and when I hear his voice any happiness I had found vanishes. I’ve hurt him.

  “When the time is right you’ll say it,” he says, but his tone has turned formal.

  “I’m sorry,” I say choking back a sob.

  “Leah.” And when he says my name my chest tightens. I hate myself. “None of this changes the way I feel about you.” Now I hate myself even more because everything he feels for me is unconditional.

  I sniff hard pulling the phone away from my mouth. I don’t want him to hear me crying, because he’ll feel obligated to comfort me. He’s far too nice to me and I don’t deserve him.

  “When I get home, we can talk, okay?” he says kindly.

  “Okay,” I respond still feeling like a complete shit head.

  “I’m going to go to bed. I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night, beautiful girl.”

  “Good night, Adam.”

  I stall a few seconds before hanging up and I notice Adam does the same, but before I can speak, Adam calls my name. “Hey, Leah?” he says and there’s a cheerful sound to it.

  “Yeah?” I feel a small smile tug at my lips.

  “You were my first phone sex,” he says playfully. “And it was awesome.” He laughs and my heart swells.

  “You too,” I tell him. “Nice job ending on a good note. You always know how to make me smile.”

  “That’s all I ever want,” he says. “To make you smile, because it’s the most amazing sight.”

  “Good night, Adam.”

  “Good night, Leah.”

  When I fall back against the pillow, I close my eyes knowing that I won’t be able to stop the tears. I’m in so deep, but there’s no turning back now. I just have to figure out how to tell him I love him, but in that same breath, I need to admit I’ve kept a secret from him.

  Chapter Nineteen

  My phone rings alerting me that Adam is waiting in the lobby of Cari’s building and I almost scream out loud. The three days Adam was in New York seemed like an eternity. I’m determined to throw myself into his arms and show him just how much I missed him. Each day that passed only proved how much I need him in my life, just how important he is to me. I need to tell him I love him. I’m in love with him. Madly. It’s new, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, and I never want it to end.

  As I leave the elevator, my heels knocking loudly against the tile floor, the sound is eerie and echoing. Something about the sound causes me to feel uneasy and when I round the corner I expect to see Adam leaning against the wall in his usual spot. But instead, I come face to face with Ellis. I actually walk right into him. Crashing against his shoulder with my own. I don’t even notice him, so absorbed with searching for Adam that I can focus on nothing else. That is until I nearly lose my balance. Ellis grabs ahold of my arm to keep me from falling. His grip so tight that I feel the pulsing that comes, like my blood supply has been stopped. His face is within inches of mine, so close that if either of us moves our lips will be touching. I can feel all color drain from my face when our eyes meet. He shouldn’t be here.

  “Ellis, what are you doing here?” I choke out as I pull away from him. I shuffle back a few steps trying to place some distance between us.

  “I came to talk to you.” He steps closer, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “Now’s not a good time. I need you to leave.” I’m not messing around because I know Adam’s going to be here any second. The last thing I need is Adam running into Ellis.

  “Can you give me five minutes? That’s all I ask.”

  I sigh loudly and curse under my breath. “No, Ellis, I don’t have five minutes. I’m going on a date and he’s picking me up any second now. Please leave. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  Ellis steps closer, reaching for my hand, taking it in his. “That’s just it, Leah. I don’t want you dating someone else. I want you back. I can make you happy. I want you to marry me.” As he finishes his last line, he drops to his knees and pulls out my engagement ring.

  I can’t even speak. Backing toward the elevator, I’m shaking my head rapidly, but every time my mouth opens no sound comes out. I thought all of this was over. I don’t know whether to run or slap Ellis across the face. It’s far too late for this and
at this moment, entirely inappropriate. I move away from him even more, I need to get away from him, away from this before I lose it.

  “Ellis, get up,” I whisper-shout hoping the doorman, who normally acts as if he isn’t there, can’t hear this conversation. He’s spent the last few months watching me suck face with Adam on a regular basis and probably thinks I’m a terrible person. “I’m not marrying you. Now get up before someone sees you.”

  Ellis stays firmly rooted where he is, hand outstretched, ring pinched between two fingers. “But Leah, I love you...”

  “Leah?” I hear my name and my eyes dart from Ellis straight to Adam. I’d know his voice anywhere and the confusion I hear in it breaks my heart. It happens in slow motion. I take in his beautiful blue-gray eyes; they’re filled with confusion, wide and questioning as I stand there with Ellis on his knees in front of me. I feel like I might vomit when Adam’s expression changes suddenly, the realization hitting him in an instant. It’s gut retching and I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. Everything hits me, all the feelings I’ve kept to myself, colliding at once. Anguish rips through my body filling it with heat as the guilt weighs heavy in my chest.

  I watch him turn quickly and shove the door open with far too much force. He’s walking away from me, from what has happened, from what I’ve done. He’s walking away from us. The us that used to be Adam and me.

  “Adam,” I cry and I can feel the tears begin to pool in my eyes. Stumbling past Ellis I chase Adam out the door and onto the sidewalk. “Adam!” I scream again, but he keeps walking. “Adam, please!” My voice is strained and my composure is fading fast. The tears are streaming down my cheeks, staining my face and stinging my eyes.

  He suddenly stops, turning to face me. This is exactly what I wanted; yet when I come face to face with him, I can’t speak. The look on his face nearly kills me. His pained expression and the way his body seems to tense when he makes eye contact with me, hurts more than anything. He looks away quickly. He backs up slightly and that simple gesture brings on the tears again. I swallow hard willing myself to speak, but nothing comes. My eyes squeeze shut when he begins to speak, his words like daggers straight into my heart.