My Winter

by Nikki Young

  That day should have been a good indication of the rest of my life, but for some reason at that time I was okay with it. Probably because it made me indifferent, made it easier to separate my feelings.

  I don’t want Adam to see me like this, partially because I’m worried what he’ll think.

  Me: You can’t come over today. I’m sick. L

  Adam’s response is instantaneous.

  Adam: I’m coming now. I don’t want you alone while you’re sick.

  Me: No seriously, I’m fine. Just a cold.

  His persistence is ridiculous and I give up only because I don’t have the strength to argue with him. I fall asleep with my phone in my hand.

  An hour later Adam is standing over me. He kisses my forehead and runs his cool fingers over my cheek.

  “Hi,” he says when I open my eyes.

  “How’d you get in here?” I ask.

  “I called Cari. We met up and she gave me her keys.”

  “Why are you here? I told you not to come.”

  “You’re sick. What do you need?” Adams asks.

  A small smile spreads across my lips. “You’re too good to me,” I reply as he lies down next to me. “Adam, you’re going to get sick.”

  “So what?” he answers back, pressing his lips to mine. “If it means that you’ll crawl in bed next to me, then I don’t care.”

  “Of course I would.” I rest my head against his chest and sigh. Closing my eyes, I can’t imagine anyone as wonderful as Adam.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep, but when I wake up Adam is still next to me. My head still against his chest, his arm resting under my head. He hasn’t moved.

  “You’re awake,” he says grinning. “You hungry? Thirsty?”

  I look over at the clock. “Adam! You’ve been laying here for two hours.” It seems strange to me that he would even be here in the first place, let alone not move for two hours.

  “I know. I didn’t want to disturb you. You need to sleep. Plus you looked adorable all curled up against me.” Smiling again. “So, do you want me to get you something to eat?”

  “Yes,” I respond stretching my arms above my head.

  “What do you want?” Adam asks beaming.

  “I want a plain bagel with veggie cream cheese from that place down the street.”

  “Seriously? That’s what you want?” His tone is confused. “I’ll get you anything you want,” he says like I’m trying to make this easy on him.

  “I know. Just get me the bagel.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really. Why? Are you boycotting the bagel place now?”

  “No,” he responds annoyed by my teasing. He straddles my hips and pins my arms above my head. “No, I’m not boycotting the bagel place, but if you keep making fun of me I’m going to boycott you.” I laugh hard as Adam buries his face in my neck, nipping and kissing me. “I’m glad you’re laughing,” he says. “I was worried about you.” He pulls back and winks at me. “I’m the best medicine.”

  “You’re ridiculous,” I say pushing him away.

  Adam sits on the end of the bed putting on his shoes. I watch these simple movements and his beautiful face and wonder just how I ended up here.

  “Adam?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I want extra cream cheese. Like a shit load.”

  “Okay.”

  “And orange juice.” Adam nods his head. “And a small coffee with two sugars.”

  He laughs out loud. “Anything else?”

  “No.” I pause for a second. “Yeah. Make it a sesame seed bagel.” I wrinkle my nose and blow him a kiss. “Sorry, I’m a pain in the ass.”

  Adam stands and makes his way out of the bedroom. He stops in the doorway. “You are a pain in the ass, but I still love you.” His eyes widen slightly and he quickly says, “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  I’m frozen in the bed. Did Adam just say he loves me? Was it just one of those things that people say? Like when someone brings me cupcakes or when the bus comes early when it’s raining? “Oh, I love you.” Facetious? Irreverent? I don’t know. But I’m going to let it go just like I have the past few times. I’m not completely ready to confront him about something like this especially if it meant nothing.

  Adam returns a little while later but says nothing about his previous comment. I don’t bring it up either.

  I nap throughout the day and Adam watches TV and works, but he never leaves. No matter how boring his day must be, he stays. Later in the evening he picks up Chinese for the three of us and we eat while we watch Fast Five. Adam ridicules it the entire time while Cari and I are glued to the screen, like we haven’t seen it a hundred times before.

  The movie ends and Adam stands reaching a hand out to me. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” I place my hand in his and follow him to the bedroom.

  “Night, Cari,” I call.

  “Night, kids,” she says playfully. “Behave yourselves.”

  I giggle as Adam pulls me into the bedroom. He takes his shirt off, tossing it into the corner. It doesn’t matter how many times I see him shirtless, it still stops me in my tracks. He’s amazing: flat toned stomach, perfect amount of muscle. He slips off his pants and stands there in just a pair of black boxer briefs, smirking. I watch his eyes take me in, looking me up and down as if he’s thinking nothing but indecent thoughts. It makes me hot. My mouth falls open slightly and I lick my lips, dragging my teeth along my bottom lip.

  He shakes his head as he walks over to me. He tangles his fingers in my hair and pulls my head to the side. I press my body against him and close my eyes. His mouth connects with my neck and I suck in a hard breath.

  “I’m not having sex with you tonight, Leah. You’re sick and need to rest.” As he kisses along my neck, he slips my shirt over my head, undoes my bra and slides my pants down. I’m left standing in my underwear and craving him like no other. “Don’t worry,” he says with a mischievous grin on his face. “You’re gonna get it this weekend to make up for it.”

  I crawl into bed hoping I can fall asleep now that Adam has me excited. I huff a few times, tossing and turning. I hear Adam chuckle as he lies next to me.

  “What’s wrong,” he asks.

  “I don’t think I can sleep with you next to me.”

  “Oh, really?” he says smugly. “I know for a fact that you sleep better when I’m next to you.”

  “A fact? How so?”

  “You look exhausted on the days we don’t stay together,” he says matter-of-factly. “Which means you sleep better when we’re together.”

  “Whatever you say, chief,” I respond insolently. “And by the way, it’s rude to tell a woman she looks tired.”

  “I wasn’t trying to insult you,” he says spooning against me. “I was just trying to secure my place in your bed.”

  “Your place in my bed is very secure,” I tell him sounding a little kinder this time. “And you’re right.”

  “Right about what?”

  “I do sleep better when you’re next to me. Although, you and that damn body are quite distracting.” I wiggle my ass up against him and he laughs.

  “You have no idea the distractions your body brings.” He slaps my butt and I giggle. “Go to sleep, Leah.”

  “I like when you’re bossy,” I whisper.

  “I know you do,” he whispers back. “Now go to sleep before I spank your ass. Hard.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Adam stayed with me the entire time I was sick and I know I need to do something to make it up to him. I just hope showing up at his office unannounced doesn’t upset him. I was never allowed to visit Ellis at work. He was always too busy or just by my asking, made him tell me I was too needy. I feel differently about Adam, comfortable enough to want to surprise him. I press the elevator button while balancing a pizza box in my other hand. When the elevator comes to a stop and the doors slide open, I find myself standing in front of the reception desk of Adam’s office.

 
; The desk is large and behind it sits a woman in her mid-thirties. She says nothing when I walk up. She smacks her lips together and stares at me for a few seconds before I finally decide to speak.

  “I’m here to see Adam Shiller,” I tell her.

  “Do you have an appointment?” she asks as her fingers peck furiously at the keyboard in front of her.

  “No, I don’t,” I say and I can see this is going to be an issue judging by the way this woman is now glaring at me.

  “Mr. Shiller is extremely busy and does not see clients without appointments.” The woman returns to her keyboard acting as if I’m not still standing in front of her.

  “Um, I’m not a client,” I stutter out and the woman’s head snaps up to look at me. “I’m Leah,” I say hoping this might be my in.

  “Should that mean something to me?” she asks with complete indifference.

  I stand there for what feels like an eternity with this woman, who is hell bent on keeping me away, when Adam’s partner walks up.

  “Leah?”

  I turn and find Mike smiling at me.

  “Hi, Mike,” I say as he places a kiss on my cheek.

  “Adam know you’re here?” he asks looking a little confused.

  “No. I was going to surprise him, but your friend here,” I say motioning to the receptionist, “won’t let me in.”

  He looks at the receptionist, who is completely oblivious and shakes his head. “She’s a temp,” he says as he takes the pizza box from my hands. “Come on. I’ll take you to Adam’s office.”

  Mike stops at Adam’s door and knocks quickly before going in. I follow behind him as he says, “Look who I found.”

  Adam looks up from his computer and his mouth drops open. “Leah,” he practically shouts. He jumps up from his chair and begins to walk toward me as Mike slips out leaving the pizza on a small table in the center of the room. He’s smiling when he reaches me, pulling me into him, as his lips meet mine and I wrap my arms around his neck.

  “What are you doing here?” he asks pulling back slightly.

  “I wanted to surprise you,” I tell him. “I brought lunch.”

  “You’re wonderful,” he says as he pulls me closer and kisses me again. “You can surprise me anytime you want.”

  “I’ll remember that,” I say winking at him. “You hungry?”

  Adam nods his head and we sit down at a small round table in the center of his office. Unfortunately we have to eat quickly because I have to get back to work and Adam has a meeting.

  “You coming over after work?” Adam asks as we finish eating.

  “Yeah.”

  “You staying?” he asks.

  “Probably. Why?”

  He smiles at me before saying, “You know we practically live together, right?”

  I’m not sure what to say right now. I sit here staring at Adam, which I’m sure is giving him the impression that I don’t want to live with him. I have had this exact same thought for weeks now, but I wasn’t going to be the one to say it.

  When I moved in with Ellis it was quick and then we were engaged. Everything happened so fast and I start to wonder if that’s not why my relationship with him failed. There was so much I didn’t know about him and finding it out when I was living with him couldn’t have been good for either of us. I’m sure it worked the same way for him. I don’t think he expected for me to miss my independence. He wanted me to change my life to suit his and I was never able to comply.

  I look at Adam, knowing that this is very different than what I had with Ellis, but it still scares me. What if moving in with him officially ruins it all?

  Still sitting at the table, Adam stands and takes my hand, pulling me so I’m standing in front of him. His expression is unreadable and it makes my heart begin to thump rapidly. I feel guilty, almost mean, that I can’t respond to his statement about living together. He’s here with me, he’s been here since the day we met, and I feel like I give him nothing in return.

  His voice is low and soft making my heart race even more. “Leah, it doesn’t matter to me whether you want to admit it or not. You’re mine.” He smirks and adds, “You wouldn’t be here right now if you didn’t want to be mine. You want this.”

  He’s right. I want him more than I have ever wanted anyone or anything. He makes me weak and vulnerable. I want to give him everything he needs; I want to belong to him.

  I nod softly and lay my head against his chest. “Adam?”

  “Yeah, sweets?” he says, and just his voice makes me defenseless. I want to tell him I love him, confess everything about Ellis and beg him to forgive me for being so thoughtless.

  “I have to tell you something,” I say, but my voice is shaky.

  “Okay, but can we talk about it tonight? I really have to get to this meeting.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’m not blowing you off,” he says, and I can feel him smile against my hair as he kisses me again. “I promise we’ll talk tonight.”

  “Okay,” I respond quietly, knowing by tonight I will have lost my nerve.

  Adam walks me to the elevator and kisses me quickly before wrapping his hand around the back of my neck. He pulls me toward him and kisses me hard this time. His tongue parting my lips, it tangles with mine and when he moves away, I’m breathless. His hand is still gripping my neck as he presses a few more kisses along the side of my face. He stops at my ear and whispers, “I’ll see you tonight, my beautiful girl.”

  After work I arrive at Adam’s place and find he’s not home. I check my phone and see a text from him letting me know he’s running late and should be home by seven. I flop down on the couch, turning on the television; I flip aimlessly through the channels, but find nothing. Turning it off, I lie back on the couch and close my eyes.

  I wake a few hours later and Adam still isn’t home. I check my phone and it’s after nine. I feel defeated, like the world is telling me to keep my mouth shut. Like there’s a reason he’s late tonight and a reason I should keep my past with Ellis a secret. How long can I go on like this? So much time has gone by that my admission will only make things worse. And in actuality, I haven’t heard from Ellis in weeks, which leads me to believe he’s given up. There’s probably no reason to discuss any of this with Adam. I convince myself to let it go as I climb into bed. My time has come and gone. I can’t bring myself to hurt him with this.

  I don’t know what time it is when I feel the bed dip beside me. Adam crawls in and sighs as he pulls me into his arms, but his arms are loose and weak. He’s exhausted.

  “What did you want to talk about?” he mutters with hoarseness in his voice. He presses a few easy kisses against my hair and his breathing becomes slow and even. His body is growing lax as I run my fingers gently down his chest and I know that now is not the time to have this conversation with him.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I whisper back through the quiet of the room. “Go to sleep, baby.”

  When he doesn’t respond, I know he’s fallen asleep and that’s when the first tear rolls down my cheek. I swallow hard, forcing back the rest of my tears, slipping out of his arms; I roll over and stare at the wall.

  Hurting Adam is something I can’t bring myself to do. But in the end I’m being selfish. This isn’t all about him, but about the fact that I have let this go far too long to correct it now. The fact that I’ve kept something from him will hurt far more than the truth at this point.

  I lie awake listening to Adam breathing next to me. The peaceful, rhythmic sound of it cutting through the silence and I choke back a sob that wants so badly to escape. Everything is about to come apart and I’m losing control.

  Hours pass and I know it’s not the lie that’s keeping me awake, but the worry of what’s to come when Adam finds out what I’ve done. I bite down hard on my lip to stifle the sound of my silent tears that fall as Adam sleeps next to me. I’m about to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. How the hell am I going to fix this?

  Chapter Eighteen


  Standing outside the car, I kiss Adam. I step back, but he reaches for me, pulling me against his chest. He presses his face into my neck and whispers, “It’s only three days, sweets. I’ll be back soon.”

  I nod my head knowing I’m being ridiculous. Three days is nothing, but the fact that he’s going home to visit his family is what’s hard. His grandfather is sick and when his mom called to tell him, I could see the worry in his eyes. I can’t be there for him and it bothers me, maybe even hurts a little.

  “I’m sorry I can’t come with,” I tell him, burying my face in his chest and wrapping my arms around his waist.

  “Leah, it’s okay. I told you I understand.”

  Adam may understand, but it still doesn’t mean it’s all right. At least by me it’s not.

  My job is a rarity. It’s one of those jobs where I can work from home; take time off when I want, slack on days when I’m feeling lazy, because we take on so few new projects now. The company is well established and the client list is extensive, so generally the work is just follow-ups and ad-ons to what we’ve already created.

  But last week, our company signed a twenty million dollar contract with a huge fragrance company and I’ll be in meetings all week. I’d have to be dead in order to be excused from attendance.

  As much as it pains me to see Adam off at the airport, knowing he’s going to deal with something that will be tough for him, I’m grateful for his understanding. He didn’t question me or my job when I told him I wouldn’t be able to join him. He smiled at me and told me he understood and that I shouldn’t worry.

  As I stood there feeling guilty, yet thankful, Ellis’ face came to mind. I saw him roll his eyes, telling me to quit my job. Reminding me again how utterly useless my contribution to our relationship was. My sole purpose was to support him. Who cares about my career? Somehow Adam understands my job and my need to work.

  I press up on my tiptoes kissing Adam softly on the lips. I close my eyes when he takes my face in his hands. He leans his forehead against mine.