Cockpit

by Joanna Blake

  But... mine too. Somewhere in that sweet baby girl, was a touch of Derek Jagger. Maybe more than a touch. Maybe a whole hell of a lot.

  I shook my head. I was a father. And I wasn't going to be an absentee one either. That meant I'd have to see Jenny. Watch her with someone else eventually.

  Someone she considered worthy.

  Unlike me.

  I didn't think I could bear it to tell the truth. But then I thought about that little baby. Her eyes had been aqua. As if you'd mixed my blues with Jenny's greens.

  So beautiful it made my insides twist up.

  I couldn't wait to hold her. I grimaced as I rolled over. I was sore from the fight. I'd been up half the night, trying to drink away the memories. But thanks to all my years in the military I'd been up at the crack of dawn, feeling lower than the lowest scumbag on the planet.

  Jenny didn't think I was good enough. Not for more than playing around. I was just... a stud to amuse her.

  I rolled over, moaning at my sore ribs. My phone was on silent. She'd called and texted me numerous times.

  They all said the same thing.

  I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

  I shook my head. She wasn't sorry. She was not the girl I'd thought she was. She might be brave and beautiful- raising a kid alone was hard. I knew that.

  It's not like she gave it up.

  But... she'd lied. And lied and lied and lied.

  Even as I wanted to reach for the phone, to tell her I forgave her, to tell her to come over so I could kiss her and hold her and bury myself inside her beautiful body and never come out again... Even as all that welled up inside me, I knew it wouldn't work.

  No matter how good we were together in bed, that one fact would remain.

  She didn't think I was good enough.

  And nothing on Earth could change her mind.

  Maybe if I proved to her I could be a good dad... if I showed up early every single time it was my turn. Bought the kid lots of presents and new stuff. Taught her to ride her first bike... maybe then Jenny would see that I could be good enough for Hallie.

  For both of them.

  Even as I started to get excited about that idea, I knew that it was wrong. I would be a good dad. But I wouldn't do it for her.

  I'd do it for Hallie.

  The rest of it, well, the chips would fall where they may.

  There was only one person I could talk to about this. One person who would understand how I felt. I picked up my phone, flinching at the number of missed calls and called Suzy.

  Jenny

  ✈

  I bent down, sweeping the broken glass off the floor of the stock room. I hadn't slept at all last night. Mattress rattling sobs tend to keep a girl up all night. But I had still peeled myself off the bed this morning, looked after my daughter and headed in to work.

  I couldn't leave the mess from the fight for someone else to clean up.

  It was my mess. And I was taking responsibility for all of it.

  Margie walked in, leaning against the doorway with her arms folded.

  "You look terrible."

  "I know. I'm... sorry about all of this Margie."

  She shook me off.

  "Think nothing of it. It's a bar. Fights happen."

  She helped me finish cleaning the stock room. Then she flicked her head and told me to take a seat at the bar.

  "Now. Tell me what's wrong."

  I took a shaky breath. In and out Jenny. I was scared though. I knew saying it out loud would make it more... real.

  "Jagger broke up with me."

  She made a snorting sound.

  "I don't believe it. That man is head over nuts in love with you."

  I shook my head.

  "He won't even answer my calls, Margie."

  "Seriously?"

  "Seriously."

  She stared at me, frowning.

  "What the hell did you do? Another man? That don't seem like you, honey."

  "No. Something... something worse."

  Her eyebrows shot straight up. Then she pulled out two shot glasses and a bottle of tequila and set them on the bar. She poured us each a shot and handed me one.

  "Drink."

  I drank. Hallie would get formula tonight. It wouldn't hurt her. The doctor had said it was fine to mix it up. I was so numb that I was barely thinking or feeling at this point.

  "Now talk."

  "I- I have a kid. A little girl. Her name is Hallie. She's ten months old now."

  She poured us another drink and we tipped it back. The liquid burned my throat. I wanted to feel the sting of it though. I felt myself start to loosen up.

  "And?"

  "I didn't tell him."

  "Okay. That's not great, but not break up bad."

  I looked at her.

  "I didn't tell him... that Hallie was his."

  She poured me another drink. I sipped this one.

  "I'm sure you had your reasons. Stupid reasons. But reasons."

  "I'm an idiot. I thought... I thought he was going to hurt me. So I just..."

  "Lied."

  "Evaded."

  She shook her head.

  "No, honey. You lied."

  This time I reached for the bottle and refilled my glass. My phone started buzzing and I leapt for it. But it was only Crystal. I told her where I was and Margie said to invite her over.

  That's how three drunk redheads ended up sitting at a bar at two o'clock in the afternoon.

  It sounded like the start of a dirty joke, but it was my life. And they were my friends. And I was more grateful than ever for them.

  Even though they didn't let me off the hook for a second.

  "You really fucked up, girlina."

  Crystal tipped back her drink, biting down on a lime wedge. She'd already licked the salt off her hand.

  Yep, we'd evolved all the way to lick it, slam it, suck it. Margie was swaying a little on her feet.

  "I told you to tell him."

  Margie looked at her.

  "Wise woman. I like her."

  Crystal grinned at her.

  "I like you too. I'd love to get my fingers on your hair..."

  I rested my spinning head on my arms. The bar was starting to tilt in an unfortunate way. I knew I'd pay for it later but I didn't care.

  At the moment, I felt all floaty, even though I was still fucking sad. It was an improvement over Earth bound and ass backwards. Hell, anything would be an improvement.

  But this wasn't going to last. Soon, I'd be sober. And I'd still be alone.

  "What am I going to do?"

  "You're going to get your man back."

  "How?"

  Crystal smiled at me.

  "First, a makeover."

  I rolled my eyes at her. But Margie was the one with the first realistic suggestion. She toasted me with a shot.

  "Then, you beg."

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jagger

  ✈

  I brushed my hair back off my forehead with my hand. I was standing outside Jenny's house, sweating bullets. This was an important day and I was nervous as fuck about it.

  I was here to get my girl for an afternoon out.

  The little one.

  The door opened and I inhaled sharply as my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. Jenny stood there in a red dress. A very, very tight dress. It was very short and very low cut. I could see everything I'd been dreaming about since we split up. All those luscious curves of hers. Those gorgeous legs of her wobbled a bit in a pair of four-inch stilettos.

  Also red.

  She looked like a super model in a music video. Sex on wheels. Hell, she looked so hot she might burn my eyes out.

  But in a good way.

  She tugged at the neckline self-consciously, before giving me an overbright smile. She looked beautiful of course. But weird. Almost too good. Like she was an actress, playing herself in a movie.

  I realized she was wearing eyeliner. And lipstick. Red, shiny lipstick. I stared at her
lips hungrily, wondering why she was dressed like that. Was she going on a date? Or was it... for me?

  I felt myself wanting to toss her over my shoulder and carry her back to my cave. I wanted to ask her where she was going. No- I wanted to tell her where she was going. My bed.

  I shut it down.

  No Jagger. She's off limits. Don't be the manwhore she thinks you are. Just because your dick is like a missile that wants to explode on her... Just because looking at her and not touching her makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry... well, it doesn't change a damn thing.

  Today was about Hallie and that was it.

  I forced myself to look away from the gorgeous woman in front of me. I looked behind her instead. There, in a stroller, was an adorable little angel.

  My angel.

  I knelt down as Jenny rolled her out to the front stoop.

  "Hi there."

  Hallie gurgled at me, her eyes shining brightly. She... she did look like me. Me and Jenny. I wanted to look up at her. To hold her hand and thank her for giving me such a beautiful child.

  If nothing else, she gave me this tremendous gift.

  But I didn't.

  "Thanks for letting me see her."

  I made my voice and face cool as I finally glanced up at her. Jenny was watching us, tears in her eyes. She looked broken.

  "Of course. Anytime you want to-"

  I felt my throat tighten. Jenny was being good about this. She could have told me to go to hell after I broke it off with her. I didn't have a legal leg to stand on and we both knew it. So yeah, she was being more than fair. That didn't surprise me. She was a good woman. She was a good person.

  But that didn't change the facts.

  I held onto them, repeating them in my head. She didn't think I was a good enough person to be a dad. She'd thought I would run off, or leave them. She'd thought I was that guy.

  No matter how she looked at me, with love and regret in her eyes, deep down she thought I was a piece of trash. And I'd thought she was the most perfect woman in the world.

  There was no balance there. And I'd decided I wasn't going to do that to myself. I'd never be good enough for her.

  I wasn't going to let myself feel like that just to be with her. Even if I got to hold her at night. For how long would she deign to let me touch her?

  Until someone better came along.

  I stood up and cleared my throat.

  Jenny

  ✈

  "I'm looking forward to getting to know my daughter."

  I grabbed my purse and waited. He paused.

  "Alone."

  I stared at the ground. I couldn't look at him. I felt ridiculous; standing there in the four-inch heels Crystal had forced me to wear.

  "Sure. Right. Okay."

  Crystal was leaning in the hallway behind me. She'd come out when she realized it wasn't going so well. Watching the Titanic sink, more or less. She volunteered to go with them but I shook my head.

  "That's okay. He has a right to take her."

  Now Jagger shook his head. He didn't want my trust. He'd made it clear he didn't trust me.

  "It's okay. I don't mind a chaperone."

  He didn't mind if someone went with them. Just not me.

  "No."

  I wiped my eyes, hoping he didn't notice. He wasn't even looking at me anyway.

  "She gets sleepy around four. And here-"

  I handed him her diaper bag. Our fingers brushed and I felt a jolt. I wondered if that would be the last time I ever touched him. Maybe I'd have a handshake to look forward to someday in the future. How pathetic. He flinched away from me like he'd been burned.

  "There's um, a bottle in there with a little bag of ice to keep it cool. Diapers and her hat. Just keep her out of the sun..."

  "Got it. Anything else?"

  "No. Just... call if you need anything."

  "See you at four."

  "Okay. See you."

  I couldn't look at him until he'd turned away. I was afraid to see that look in his eyes again. That look that was like we didn't mean anything to each other. Like we never had meant anything to each other.

  Like I was a stranger.

  Crystal came up behind me and reached forward to slowly shut the door. I covered my mouth with my hand and turned away, running for my bedroom. I couldn't hold back another second. I cried harder than I'd cried in years.

  Almost as hard as I had after my mom was gone.

  "I can stay. Or come back to do the trade off at four so you don't have to-"

  I nodded, crying too hard to answer. Crystal gave me a sympathetic look and shut the door. I curled up on the bed, crying so hard my whole body shook.

  I didn't move the entire time he was out with her. Crystal came back twenty minutes before he was due back. She took one look at me and shook her head.

  I forced myself to take a quick shower and started making Hallie's dinner of mushed up sweet potatoes. I stayed in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. I stayed there, hiding, though I could hear the low murmur of his voice.

  I heard the door shut and a moment later Crystal was giving my baby back to me. I gripped her tightly, inhaling her scent. I thought I could smell a little bit of him too.

  This was the only thing that was right.

  My beautiful baby girl was all I had.

  Even with my friends, and my dad, I was alone.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jagger

  ✈

  "Does she always dress like that?"

  "Stop it, Suze."

  My foster sister sat on my kitchen counter, flicking things at me while I tried to clean the kitchen. She'd waited a block away while I picked up Hallie yesterday so she'd seen the outfit. Suze was here for the weekend, helping me get ready. I'd bought a bunch of baby stuff at the store today.

  I'd even gotten some real furniture for the place.

  You needed a dining table to go with a high chair after all.

  "What? The girl breaks your heart and has the gall to look like a fucking supermodel?"

  She shook her head.

  "You sure know how to pick 'em, bro."

  "She's not like that."

  "What? Vain? No woman looks like that by accident dude."

  Suzy prided herself on being a tomboy. She wore a fringed leather jacket and beat up jeans. She'd never worn heels in her life. She was gorgeous actually, but she made sure she never looked like she was trying to be.

  I knew she'd had her share of rough times that made her not want to encourage male attention. She didn't talk about it, but I knew something had happened to her before we met. She was as ferocious as me when protecting the younger foster kids back in the day.

  "I don't know why she was dressed like that. She's usually... not. "

  I scrubbed a little harder and Suze hit the back of my neck with her bottle cap.

  "Bullshit."

  "Ow! Christ. I'm telling you, she's usually in jeans and a button down. I bet it was her best friend's idea. She's a hairdresser or something."

  "Now that I believe. The post break up makeover is a classic chick move. Well, brother, if you want that girl back you better get in line. She's got to have guys on the back burner."

  "She doesn't. Besides, it doesn't matter. I don't want her back."

  "Liar. You don't just fall out of love with someone. Even if they fuck up. And this was a monumental fuck up."

  I sighed and rubbed my neck. Suze was right of course. I was still in love with Jenny. How could I not be?

  "She doesn't deserve you, of course. No mortal woman does. Still, must have been hard, having that baby all by herself. How old was she anyway?"

  I flinched. I knew she was right. I couldn't stop thinking about it either. Jenny must have been so scared. And pissed at me for knocking her up.

  Even more so when she found out my reputation...

  I'd tried to imagine her telling the General. That must have been a gut wrenching conversation.

  But she coul
d have told me. She could have had my support, even from overseas. I would have done anything for her, or the baby.

  Hell, I still would.

  But she didn't know that. She couldn't have. She was barely eighteen years old and so proud...

  "Fuck."

  Suze toasted me, swigging her beer and belching.

  "Yes, you are fucked. Get me another beer."

  The doorbell rang and I shook my head.

  "Get it yourself."

  I opened the door and froze.

  Jenny was standing outside in the rain. No umbrella. She was soaked. The sheerness of her shirt clung to her curves in a way that made my mouth dry and my fingers itch to touch her.

  Hell, I wanted to do more than touch her. I wanted to fuck her senseless.

  But I wouldn't.

  Not after what she'd done.

  She didn't look like a heartbreaker though. She looked heartbroken. Just a lost little girl standing in the rain. I felt myself soften towards her again. Each day, each time I thought about it, I let my guard down just a little bit more.

  "Can we talk? Please?"

  I stared at her, knowing that if I let her in now, I wouldn't ever stop loving her. Maybe I was doomed. I knew she would be able to hurt me any time she wanted.

  It didn't matter though. I couldn't leave the woman I loved standing outside in the pouring rain. I stepped to the side, about to tell her to come in when her eyes shot to something over my shoulder.

  "Fuck Jagoff- all you have is- cans..."

  Suze let her voice trail off, staring at Jenny standing in the door. I looked at Jenny and saw the hurt in her face. I knew what she was thinking.

  I knew how it looked.

  She took off at a run.

  "Jenny!"

  I was barefoot but I ran after her anyway. She was too fast though. She darted between the houses and I lost sight of her.

  I had a feeling I'd just lost more than that.

  Jenny

  ✈

  "Now? You're leaving now?"

  I shoved another baby blanket into our luggage. We had two bags, Hallie and I. Two bags, my purse, a stroller and a couple thousand bucks.