Keeping Secrets

by Treasure Hernandez

  Friends since the summer Secret and her mother moved into the neighborhood eight years ago, Shawndiece has always been there for Secret. She’s always had her back and kept it one hun’id with her.

  “I can tell right now you are gonna need me to show you the ropes around here,” Shawndiece had said to Secret all those years ago after knowing her for only ten minutes. She’d been walking by Secret’s apartment building on the way over to one of her school friend’s house. When Secret greeted her with this happy-go-lucky smile and wave, she knew off the bat Secret didn’t fit in.

  “You’re not from here, are you?” Shawndiece asked the new girl on the block.

  “Nope, we just moved to the city. I used to live with my grandma in Farmington.” Farmington was a suburb in Detroit. “But she died. My mother thought she was going to leave us the house since we lived there with her and all, but she left it to Aunt Grace. Mama says Aunt Grace had that house on the market before Granny was even in the grave. So we had to relocate.”

  Shawndiece scrunched her nose up.

  “We had to move,” Secret clarified.

  “So now y’all slumming,” ten-year-old Shawndiece said while giving the pretty-in-pink, long-piggy-tail-wearing new girl the once-over.

  “Excuse me?” Ten-year-old Secret was clueless as to what the rough-around-the-edges girl with the holey jeans and French-braided hair with beads on the end was saying.

  “I’m saying you came down off your high horse to rub elbows with us little people.”

  Secret scrunched her nose up. “I don’t be riding horses. Although my dad did say he might get me a pony.”

  Shawndiece busted out laughing. “A pony? You gon’ need a pit bull or something if you plan on living here.” Shawndiece laughed again.

  Secret joined in on the laughter just because.

  “You have no idea what you’re even laughing at do you?”

  Secret’s laughter immediately ceased as she shook her head.

  “I think I’m gonna like you.” She looked Secret up and down. “Even though I can tell we ain’t nothing alike, you’re honest. My mama says honesty is hard to come by; that people will dog you out, lie on you, and sell you off the first chance they get and then lie about it.” She looked Secret in the eyes. “You don’t lie do you?”

  Secret shook her head. “Nope. My granny said you get in less trouble when you tell the truth than you do when you tell a lie.”

  “Oh, yeah? Well my granny said if you just tell the truth in the first place, you don’t have to try to keep up with a lie. And that’s how dumb-ass niggas like my Uncle Bobie get caught up.”

  Secret’s eyes grew as big as saucers. “You just cussed and you said the N-word.”

  “You ain’t never heard nobody cuss or say nigga? Don’t you listen to rap music?”

  “My mama cusses a lot! And she says the N-word. But kids aren’t supposed to talk like that.”

  “Well, Secret, let me let you in on a little . . . secret,” Shawndiece said. “These little ashy crumb snatchers around here ain’t regular kids like you and the ones where you grew up. These here is niggas and they’ll eat somebody like you up. Be taking your lunch money every day.”

  A look of both sadness and fear covered Secret’s face.

  “But don’t worry. I got you. Hang with me and by the time school starts, you’ll be a nigga too.”

  At the time, Secret wasn’t quite sure what being a nigga meant, nor did she care to be one, but what she did want to be was Shawdiece’s friend. She liked the foulmouthed girl. Secret had never met anyone like her and found her intriguing. And over time she’d find her to be a good friend who always had her back and would tell her like it is; even though Secret didn’t always like what Shawndiece was telling her. Like right now as they sat at the bus stop.

  “Just because every other word that comes out of my mouth isn’t slang, a curse word, or the N-word, just because I’d rather meet my future husband at a bus stop instead of a club, just because I don’t go out with dudes trying to get a tennis bracelet or seven hundred dollar weave doesn’t mean I don’t know how to handle myself.”

  Patting her weave while her tennis bracelet gleamed in the sun, Shawndiece said, “So what you trying to say? You trying to lightweight talk about me?”

  “I’m just saying,” Secret said.

  “And you can say it again for all I care. My feelings ain’t hurt. It is what it is with you; you know that,” Shawndiece said. “Hell yeah, if these muthafuckas wanna shimmer me up, fuck it, I let ’em. They get the pussy, I get the presents. A fair exchange ain’t robbery. That doesn’t make me a ho. That makes me smart,” she reasoned. “These bitches out here giving it up for free, now those the hoes. They spread ’em wide and all they get is a trip to the free clinic. Fuck that shit!”

  Secret cast her eyes downward. Shawndiece noticed the somber look on her friend’s face.

  “Oh shit,” Shawndiece said softly, closing her eyes in regret. She took a deep breath, exhaled, then opened her eyes. “My bad, Secret. That really wasn’t supposed to be a shot at you. When I’m trying to hurt you, you know it. My truths do hurt you sometimes and I get that. I do it on purpose because you’re the one who used to tell me all the time that the truth will set you free.” Shawndiece took her hand and flicked Secret’s slicked-back ponytail. “I just want you to be free.” Shawdiece’s voice almost cracked before she pulled it together. “Hell, one of us gotta get free. Me, I’m a hood rat and I know it. Ratchet and ghetto as fuck!” Shawndiece laughed. Secret didn’t.

  “No, you’re not,” Secret said sternly. She went and grabbed Shawndiece by the hands. “I will not allow you to claim that for yourself. You are a bright, beautiful, strong, independent woman. You are a survivor. Shawn, you are my strength,” Secret said, looking into her friend’s eyes with true sincerity. “Everything you are standing here putting down about yourself is everything I love about you. I love you, girl.” Secret released her hands then pointed to Shawdiece’s chest. “I love you just how you are. And that’s a good thing. So I don’t ever want to hear you putting yourself down like that again. Do you hear me?”

  All Shawndiece could do was nod. She was both shocked and moved at the moment. She was shocked that Secret called herself getting with her, as she’d always remained soft-spoken. She was moved because no one had ever told her all those positive things about herself.

  “Forget that nod. I want to hear you say it. Say, ‘I am beautiful and strong.’”

  Shawndiece hesitated, but then obliged. “I am beautiful and strong.”

  “And don’t you ever let anybody tell you any different or don’t you dare think different yourself.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Shawndiece said. “Now go on somewhere before you make me cry. And you know I don’t cry.” Shawndiece looked over Secret’s shoulder. “Good; the bus is coming. Now we can stop this hood episode of Iyanla: Fix My Life.”

  Both girls laughed as they retrieved their bus passes. Shawndiece was the first one to step on the bus when it came to a stop in front of them. But before she got all the way up the set of four steep steps she turned around to Secret and said, “You still betta not call that nigga,” then proceeded to get on the bus.

  Chapter Eight

  “So you good?” Lucky asked Major Pain as he entered the lobby after getting checked out at the clinic.

  “Yeah, slick dick got a clean bill of health.” He grabbed his privates. “We back in business.”

  Lucky shook his head. “You’s a nasty nigga.”

  “Naw, these bitches out here is the nasty ones. It’s them I catch shit from. I ain’t catch shit from myself.”

  “You just don’t get it do you?”

  “Naw, nigga, you the one who don’t get it. That’s why you mad at me, ’cause you ain’t getting it. Maybe if you got pussy like I gets pussy, yo’ ass wouldn’t be hating.”

  Lucky sucked his teeth. “Man, please, don’t even front. You see how I do it. I can get any one of th
ese bitches I want.”

  “Yeah, hood bitches. Anybody can get them. Hell, we done fucked about a dozen of the same bitches. About four of ’em back to back.” Major Pain high-fived Lucky as they walked out of the clinic, heading to the black Cadillac Escalade they rolled in.

  “No, that’s all you can pull is a hood bitch. I can get real women. Decent women. A chick with a little bit of class about herself and not just a bitch giving up ass to take care of herself and five kids.” Five minutes ago Lucky would not have honestly been able to say that, because all the women he’d ever been involved with truly were hood bitches. But for the first time ever, he’d finally met someone different. Secret was definitely not a hood rat. She was of a totally different pedigree.

  For a moment, Lucky thought about sharing his encounter with Secret with Major Pain, just to confirm the fact he could pull someone other than a hood chick. He thought better of it though. What if Secret didn’t call him back and no real connection was ever made? He’d never hear the end of it from Major Pain. His boy would swear up and down he’d stooped to an all-time new low by having to invent a pretend female. On the other hand, what if she did call him back? What if she was everything any nigga coming up out of the hood could ever want? What if she was wifey material?

  When it came to broads, Major Pain was a dirty muthafucka. He’d been known to fuck other people’s bitches and not think twice about it. Pussy was this cat’s kryptonite. He’d even bedded a few chicks Lucky himself had hit, after the fact. It wasn’t like they hadn’t shared broads before. It’s just that Lucky had been actually diggin’ a couple who Major Pain helped himself to without Lucky’s consent. Lucky had even toyed with the idea of being with one or two of them on a regular basis. But after finding out they’d smashed the homie, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

  “You shouldn’t have told me how good the pussy was,” Major Pain had said to Lucky after Lucky called him out on it one time.

  Lucky didn’t trip. He came to the conclusion that those types of hoes were a dime a dozen. But Secret . . . Naw, Lucky knew she was different, so he’d have to handle her differently. He’d have to protect her from the wiles of the street thugs. So just like her name, he’d keep her his own little secret. Never mind that the exact types of dudes he wanted to protect her from were dudes exactly like himself.

  Lucky, Major Pain, and their boy Ace were heading out of a nice upscale restaurant located right outside of Flint.

  “Good lookin’ out, fellas, on the restaurant tip,” Ace said as he rubbed his full belly while the three men walked toward the black Escalade they were driving. He’d just been treated to a thick-cut porterhouse, a loaded baked potato, broccoli with cheese, salad, rolls, and glass after glass of wine.

  “Aw, homie, you know it ain’t nothin’ but a thang,” Lucky said, giving his partner some dap. “It’s the least we could do for one of the best players on the team. Ain’t that right, MP?”

  “Huh, what?” Major Pain replied, having half been paying attention to the conversation taking place because he’d been so busy texting. The last few words spoken by Lucky eventually registered in his mind. “Oh, yeah. It’s the very least.” He looked at Lucky and then turned his attention back to his phone.

  “You really been holding it down over there on your block,” Lucky complimented Ace as he hit the key fob to unlock the SUV.

  “I’m just honored y’all even put me on with that spot.” Ace climbed in the second row of the three-row vehicle.

  Lucky got behind the wheel while Major Pain plopped into the front passenger seat. “We knew you were the right man for the job,” Lucky told Ace.

  “That means a lot coming from the head niggas in charge of the game,” Ace said. “I mean, it seems just like yesterday I was on the corner trying to prove myself, and now I’m in charge of the most profitable trap in the city. Now I got muthafuckas under me,” Ace boasted. “Before you know it, I’ma be like . . .” Ace’s words trailed off. It was almost as if he’d had to catch himself from slipping.

  “Go on, finish your sentence,” Lucky urged Ace. “Before we know it you gon’ be like what?” He eyed Ace through the rearview mirror. “Or you just plain ol’ gonna be?”

  Ace looked puzzled.

  “Come on, which is it?” Lucky asked as he drove, his eyes traveling from the road to the rearview mirror to make eye contact with Ace. “Let me guess; before I know it you gonna be like me? Huh, is that it?” Lucky’s tone wasn’t that of flattery, but that of irritation.

  “Well, uh, you know what I’m trying to sa—”

  Lucky cut him off. “Or before I know it you are gonna be? Is that what you want, Ace? You’re gonna be me.” Lucky shot him a look that might not kill, but at least put a nigga in the ICU. “You wanna be me?”

  Ace didn’t even have a chance to answer. Lucky stopped at a red light and the next thing anyone knew there was a loud bang, a streak of light, and a puff of smoke. Once the smoke had cleared, lying in the back seat with a bullet through his heart was Ace.

  His hands were holding his chest where blood spilled between his fingers. His eyes were buck wide and spoke the words, “Am I hit? I can’t believe I’m hit. Is this shit for real?”

  It only took a few seconds for blood to leak from the corner of Ace’s mouth as he inhaled deeply, in one large gulp, but never exhaled.

  “Damn shame when a nigga got to take in his last breath,” Lucky said as he sat there, the gun still in his hand pointing at his target.

  “Yeah, it is kind of fucked up,” Major Pain said, taking a moment away from his texting to look at Ace’s slumped-over body behind him. “That’s what he gets for pinching on our shit and then running his own hustle on the side.”

  “With our own shit,” Lucky added. “Ain’t that some shit?”

  “Some bullshit.” Major Pain shook his head while texting.

  “And I really liked dude. For real.” Lucky shook his head as well. Lucky turned and looked at Major Pain. “You should have been the one to pull the trigger.”

  Major Pain stopped texting, looked at Lucky, and asked with a serious mug, “Why?”

  “Well, you know what they say,” Lucky said with a serious face before both men broke out in laughter when saying in unison, “Don’t shoot and drive.”

  The light turned green and they pulled off, almost oblivious to the bleeding corpse that rested in their second-row seat.

  Chapter Nine

  Shawndiece watched silently as Secret stared out of the window of the city bus. She could tell her friend had a lot on her mind. Every few seconds or so Secret would exhale, then continue her aimless gaze out of the window.

  “What you thinking about? Or do I even need to ask?” Shawndiece said.

  Secret just shook her head and exhaled loudly.

  “Thinking about what you gonna do? Thinking about whether you’re going to go from one clinic to the next?”

  Secret shrugged. “Not much to think about. What other choices do I have really?”

  “Hell, the same choices our mothers had. But we’re here aren’t we?”

  Secret yanked her attention from the city scene to the girl sitting next to her, who she almost didn’t recognize as her friend. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying? You? Miss Life Is A Party; Enjoy It? Miss High Spirited Live Life Freely? Be free?”

  “And who’s to say you still can’t do all that? Once again, I refer to our own mothers. Having us didn’t stop them from doing whatever they wanted to do in life.” Shawndiece sucked her teeth. “And it definitely didn’t keep them from running the streets to party.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want to be that kind of mother. If that’s the kind of mother I have to be, then I’d rather not be a mother at all.” Secret stared into Shawdiece’s eyes.

  “Then does that mean what I think it does?”

  Secret shrugged again. “Man, Shawn, I just don’t know. I don’t even want to think about it. I know what I need to do, but then there’s the
issue of when and how I’m going to do it. I just hadn’t thought about all that.”

  “Then I guess I can give it to ol’ dude back at the bus stop.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You know the guy from the clinic. At least he kept your mind off the situation. I’ll give him that much. Hell, maybe you should call his fine ass after all. Let him be a distraction in your life. He’s good on the eyes.”

  “Oh, so now he’s fine?” Secret poked out her lips and rolled her eyes.

  “What?” Shawndiece snapped her neck back. “Now I ain’t never say dude was ugly or nothing. Just not your type. You can’t handle his kind.”

  Secret shifted her body toward Shawndiece. “Okay, so whose type is he then? Yours? Can you handle him? Is that it? You want him or something?” Secret pulled his number out. “’Cause here, you can have it if it’s all like that. He seems to be on your mind way more than he’s on mine. So let’s nip this in the bud right now.” Secret pushed the paper toward Shawndiece. “Here, take it.” Secret didn’t sound angry, just testy.

  “Girl, stop playing.” Shawndiece swatted Secret’s hand away and Secret stared down at the number. Once again, she exhaled.

  Shawndiece stared at Secret for a minute. “Who is he, Secret?” She had the most serious tone yet to her voice.

  “I don’t know.” She put the phone number back away. “I just met him five minutes ago like you did.”

  “No, I mean who is he?” Shawndiece placed her hand on Secret’s stomach then whispered, “Who’s your baby’s father?”

  “You don’t know him,” Secret was quick to say as she cast her eyes downward, then turned back to face the window.